Step 3 - Day 76

Mood: suffering. I feel more confused than I ever have, at what will happen to my son, and what, if anything I should do about it.

Music: Nothing. My Ipod battery was too low:)

Garden: Planted. I finally got my veggie garden in, about a week 1/2 ago, and am tending it every morning now. Weed in the AM, water in the PM. I love my garden!

Step 3-

"Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood him."

I have been away from this blog for a couple of weeks, but not from the steps. I have been reading the CTC reader every morning, and trying to reflect on what comes up in it. I have also been making it to meetings, but not as many as in previous weeks. This is partly because of a new friendship I have made, with a man I really like, who has been in recovery for 20 years. We have spent a lot of time talking about many things, including the program, and it has been very helpful. But I know that is not a replacement for going to meetings.

This week, since Wednesday, and before, has been very hard because my son had a trail this week. The trial was to review his case, in light of the fact that his case worker had dropped him fro his alternative sentencing program, because of non-compliance. Mainly because of not taking the medication she wanted him to take. The main contention though, was that she did not supply him with counseling to come to terms with his diagnosis and the need for medication. I thought his lawyer did a very good job of representing his interests and defending him, in light of the less than ideal service he was receiving in the program.

It was very hard to see my son too. He called me up the day before and asked if I was going to the trail, and if so, could he get a ride with me. I said yes. He also asked if he could borrow $40.00 to pay the outstanding bail fee he had with the court. I really wrestled with that, because I did not want to see him spend time in jail just because he didn't have $40.00. When we were in court I actually did see a guy brought to jail for two days for the lack of $25. I think that is criminal. Barbaric.

I called a Al-Anon friend to discuss it though, because I was feeling on the edge about whether I was enabling him or not by giving him money I probably would never see. My relationship with my son is very strained these days because it is hard to find almost anything positive to hang my hat on. He told me when I saw him that he did not want a connection with me right now. He was still taking space. I was angry, and told him so, that he could ask for rides and money, but that otherwise he wanted me to stay out of his life. I told him I felt like I was being used.

It is so hard to know what is really going on with him, when I never see him, and when I do he basically keeps quiet or says he doesn't want a relationship. He seems to want to tackle the world alone, even with a mental illness. He seems so vulnerable and confused. I don't know if I should do anything for him, or with him, about that. But he wouldn't let me anyway. It is so confusing to know how to parent someone his age, going through what he is going through, and with the personality and mind-set that he has, even before he became ill. Oy!

Step 3 - Day 63

Mood: Confused. I saw my son a community gathering last night. He seemed good. I hugged him and tried to talk with him, but he was distant. It still hurts so much.

Music: "Another day," by Jim Gilmour. A song about acceptance, of life as it is, not what we "think" it should be.

Garden: Double dug the final bed of the veggie garden this morning. raked all the beds to break up clods, and make the soil fine enough to plant in. Starts go in tomorrow.

Step 3-

" Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him."

I feel raw this morning, after seeing my son last night. I am being reminded that no matter what happens in my life, it is my decision as to how I want to experience it. I am experiencing it as pain and suffering. Pain at the concern I feel for my son, his choices of who he is associating with, and whether I should be doing anything for him. Suffering at wanting it to be other than how it is. Wanting him to be well. Wanting us to not be where we are. Wanting not to be feeling what I am feeling right now. I feel angry, I feel disappointed. I feel scared. I feel worried and I feel confused. What should I do? I should I handle all this?

Step 3 - Day 61

Mood: Floating. I have been feeling very much in my love body, my self that is OK with things, as they are. It feels like being in-love. I feel so much tenderness toward everyone.

Music: Putamayo compilation, "India," a mix of contemporary East Indian artists.

Garden: I weeded and pulled up grass around flower beds and such, since I don't have a weed whacker yet. hands work just find though, and can be more precise.

Step 3-

" Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood him"

I have been thinking about God, creator, and what the nature of my relationship to Him is. Before you can turn your will and your life over to Him, you have to have an understanding of who or what the Him is, as well. I currently see this as a dance of that which is Him, in the world, with other aspects or reflections of Him. I am a shard of the whole, and I am the shadow and reflection of the same whole as well. My mind, heart and body are an aspect of the creators, like a cell in a larger body, and I work with or interact with other cells, to do various functions together. Not all cells have the same function though. Brain cells and liver cells, do not do the same job.

How does this work then, when I look at the Third Step? If I am already an aspect of the creators will, then how can "I" turn myself over to Him? Who is doing the turning over? More accurately, it would be that which believes it to be separate, individual, the ego, that must surrender to the will of the creator, to God. The pain and suffering we experience are the direct result of this false sense of self believing it is in-charge, and running the show. When this false self does not get it's way, it can be a terror. The true self knows, at all times, what is best. what is actually happening is the true will of the creator. It is only the attachment, and reaction to this, by the ego, that causes all the pain and suffering in the world.

I, the "me" that I think I am, can either realize that that it is unreal, and therefore not in-charge, or it can assert itself and fail. Either way, reality will continue to unfold, with or without the ego's help. Myself as an aspect of God's will, can rest in the joy, and float in the love, that permeates all events, and all happenings, knowing that everything is OK, just the way it is. This is the only true reality. This is the only real perspective. The workings of the universe are vast and unknowable. All "we" can do is just watch, and respond to, what is right here, right now. Our little piece of heaven. Let everything else take care of itself.

Can the ego decide to turn itself over to the will of God? Is it every really in-charge of this at all? if everything happening is the will of God, then isn't the turning over, or surrendering to God's will as well? All "we" can do again, in this instance, is just to observe, to see what is really there. When we look, when we really look, there is no ego, no personal will, and there never was. It was just an illusion. It has no life of itself. It is the mistaken identity, of something that cannot be. And this mistaken identity has it's own life-span. It will "die", in it's own time and in it's own way. So relax! There is a plan for everything.

Thanks for listening!

Keep coming back:

Step 2 - Day 60

Mood: Shaky. Had a very interesting time going to a teaching of a favorite teacher with a friend of mine. After wards he and I had a late-night picnic dinner at a Dairy Queen, even though we didn't buy anything from them. We talked of many things and he was so kind, so kind, and trying to be do helpful....It's great to let yourself be loved and taken care of sometime.

Music: "Love Henry/Cherokee Shuffle", by June Tabor. Old-timey music from the British Isles. A foot-stomping waltz. Old ballad of lasses and beaus and courting. Good stuff.

Garden: Waiting patiently for my return. I did weed out a bunch of milk weed shoots that were sprouting up. They grow so fast, like bamboo, when I lived in Mississippi.

Step 2 -

"We came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity"

I think it's time to switch to Step 3 now. I can feel it. More tomorrow.

Thanks for listening!

Keep coming back:)

Step 2 - Day 59

Mood: Pensive. I have not heard or seen from my son in more than a week, and phone calls go unanswered. I hope he is alright. I am not sure if I should be worried.

Music: "Leaving Trunk", by Taj Mahal. He sings about having blues three different ways in this song...Now that's an accomplishment! Blues squared. That's some serious blues.

Garden: Still wet and soggy.

Step 2-

"We came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity."

Thanks for listening!

Keep coming back:)

Step 2 - Day 58

Mood: Tired. Worked at a friend's music festival last night till midnight. Up for work today at the usual time. Yawn:)

Music: "Rock And Roll Band," by Boston. Fitting, since I hung out with the bands last night at the music festival, and will again tomorrow. Most of them are from out-of-town and even some from out of the country! I work the green room, so I get to see the unglamorous side of being a touring musician. It is a really a job most of the time!

Garden: Wet. No change there.

Step 2-

"Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity."

The last few days in the CTC, they have been covering the 12 Steps sequentially, one step per-day. Since I have not covered these steps, other than to read then at meetings, I have been glossing over them, finding my attention not focusing very well. Also, it has been rather busy this week, with all sorts of Summer happenings, so I have not been as focused as I could be, usually. Today's step is Step ten. it talks of continuing to take personal inventory, so that you can make amends as soon as you can, to keep your slate clean. It made me think of Step 4, in which you do the first initial inventory, the major clean-up. I ave been trying to imagine what that would be like, and how daunting it could be, since I am such a perfectionist. I find it hard to remember some things that happened last week, let alone 20-30 years ago, but I suppose as you start the clean-up process, it becomes easier.

So let's go back to Step 2, which is where I am at, at least for now, but I am feeling I am getting ready to head into the next step, Step 3, as this 12 Steps in 12 Months process continues. My definition of this Power greater than myself is continuing to evolve. Since I am a studier of non-dual teachings, as well as 12 Step, I can see similarities, if you choose to look for them. In non-dual teachings, you are coming to recognize who you really are, as the witness, or watcher, to all that is manifest of transpiring. In the 12 Steps, you are recognizing that "you" are not in control, and that the "you" that you thought you were, is in-fact a collection of habits, traits and conditioning, which may or may not change, but that you can experience serenity in knowing this a living with surrender to "who" is really in-charge.

By knowing that the Power we talk about in 12 Step work is the clear, serene awareness that we talk about in non-duality, and that is in-fact who you really are, you can learn to rest in that state of pure being and be much less attached to who the personality does. This does not mean irresponsibility though. It means that there is divine wisdom, and a divine plan, that is manifesting, and by surrendering and trusting in that, you can "let go, and let God" and enjoy your life a whole lot more. Irritations that are caused by "others" bother you a whole lot less as well, because it is all seen as part of a plan, and one that is so fast and complex, that the mind of this one personality could never grasp it all.

Restoring us to sanity is the process of that surrender, that letting go. Restoring us to serenity is the act of trusting and allowing, being with and blessing what is happening, no matter what, as being OK, because it is part of the plan. This can be a radical thing for a personality that is addicted to being in control and having it's way. This does not mean though that the personality ever experiences what might be called pleasure. But when it does, we are not attached to that as well. Either way, pleasure or pain, as the personality sees it, is accepted as what is. The serenity comes in knowing and living by this. Sanity is restored when we no longer see ourselves as just the personality, but a loving and wise God, acting THROUGH the personality, to fulfill it's will. Nice, huh?

Thanks for listening!

Keep coming back:

Step 2 - Day 57

Mood: Rebelling. My spiritual friend gave me an assignment to do, to learn how to play Bridge, and start a bridge club. He thinks I spend too much time reading, studying and thinking about spiritual things. He says I need balance, and that I need to learn to relax and have some fun. But Bridge? I am not a big fan of card games. OK, we'll see...

Music: "Greensleeves", by Loreena McKennitt. King Henry the 8th's ballad to one of his many lovers or wives, I'm not sure which. Very romantic, if you don't know the morbid back story:)

Garden: Wet and blooming. The iris bed is a riot of purple blooms. Gorgeous!

Step 2-

"We came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity"

Step 2 - Day 56

Mood: Scared. I just called a spiritual friend, to talk with him, and spent about an hour hesitating. Not sure why. Feeling nervous, that I needed, or wanted help from him. Would be willing to give it?(I knew he would, actually) But it's the asking, or the needing to ask, that seem to be most of the trouble. The STILL needing help, maybe?

Music: "Sunday Morning Coming Down", by Johnny Cash. Johnny is great at describing the despair and angst of the unawakened state. The feelings of being lost, but not found.

Garden: The lawn is mowed!! Yes, finally. Veggie garden still needs to be put in, but that will have to wait till Monday evening.

Step 2-

"We came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity"

What happens when the Power, greater than yourself, comes in the form of a teachers consciousness and wisdom? Would you listen? Would you let yourself be guided? Is there ever a time when you should follow? We read of the hope and wisdom of our fellow Al-Anon members. This is wisdom that is being shared, from the depth of Higher Power, through them. We all have this same awareness, but not all of us listen, or heed it to the same degree. Some are much "saner" than others. Occasionally, do have the great good fortune to meet someone like this. But will you recognize it? And will you listen when they speak?

Thanks for listening!

Keep coming back:)

Step 2 - Day 55

Mood: Participating. I am participating in my life, observing what is happening and taking notes. Ah, "so this is what I do when......."

Music: The River.

Garden: Still waiting for my loving attention. It will have to wait a bit longer, still, though.

Step 2-

"Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity"

Who is this self I am talking about, when I say "myself" or "ourselves"? This is a crucial question. The immediate response I can give, when I think of that, is my personality. That collection of habits, behaviors and traits that are a result of my life and circumstances. As I have seen, when I have tried to see if any unwanted traits or behaviors could be changed, that they sometimes do, but often not when "I" want them to. I have sometimes tried for years to change something, only to see it change overnight, without "my" effort at all.

How? Why? "Who" is responsible for this change then, if it is not "me"? There is no better way to see that there is a Higher Power, than to contemplate this phenomena. It truly is out of "my" hands! The challenge is for me to allow, or surrender to, the reality that there really is no "me" running the show. There never was. My greatest suffering has come from this belief that there ever was this "me". So, how can I return to this pure awareness, before all the insanity and confusion started? I am told, that that awareness has never left "me", it is just buried under all the muck.

Winnowing away, allowing to fall away or drop-off. That is the process that must transpire. Maybe allowing is not even a good word for it. Observing. Watching it happen. It will happen when it will. The "I", the one that thinks it is watching, may be the one that will fall away, only to reveal the real "I", the witness, that has been observing all along. What a relief to know "I" am not in-charge of all this! it has been a tremendous burden to bear. The "I" that thought is was is getting near ready to lay down and give it a rest. A permanent rest.

Thanks for listening!

Keep coming back:)

Step 2 - Day 54

Mood: Jubilant. Went on a spiritual retreat yesterday and felt reaffirmed in my awareness of myself as aligned with Higher Power's will at-all-times. That, in-fact, I am Higher Power, working through this life and individual will, to create serenity in all my actions. For the good of all.

Music: "Where was I?" by Kenny Wayne Shepherd. A ballad to Higher Power. "I've been standing in the spotlight, like a king without a crown. Where was I before you came around? Where would I be without you loving me? Higher Power is love.

Garden: Don't ask :)

Step 2-

"Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity."

Can I know myself to be who I really am, without the reflection and reminding of who I really am by others? I am a facet of a great and glittering jewel. That jewel sees itself, reflected in itself, and reflects itself back to itself. Like a cosmic hall of mirrors, but not the scary kind :) I am reflecting something back to each person I meet. Whether what happens appears to be pain and distrust, or joy and love. It is an opportunity to affirm who I really am. Pain is as much a path and doorway to the shining face of Higher Power, as a close, and trusted friend. If not the most direct path.

This is the point I am trying to make. Everything in my experience is being presented to me by Higher Power. Everything is an opportunity to break down the resistance, and refute the insanity of the ego. When I do something harmful, it is just the reaction of my scared and fearful ego, trying to defend and protect itself. Attacking others is just one of those ways. Attacking myself is also another. When I trust that Higher Power is a force that can direct all action and activity in this life, then I am surrendering to the best of myself. The best I have to offer in any given situation.

Thanks for listening!

Keep coming back:)

Step 2 - Day 52

Mood: Hopeful. I just keep handing it over to Higher Power. What else can I do?

Music: "Roundabout", by Yes. "I spend the day your way...." A great way to keep remembering it's Higher Power, not me, in charge. A love song to the universe.

Garden: Oh, don't ask. Too wet to mow this morning. Won't be able to get to it till Sunday. It is what it is.

Step 2-

"Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity."

As I lay in bed this morning, I decided to review step 1, to check-in with myself about where I was at with it. I wanted to do this in preparation for next thinking about step 2. Step 1- "We admitted we were powerless over alcohol (mental illness)-that our lives had become unmanageable" I need to review this today, because after yesterdays events, I felt like I got caught up in a family argument, about what we needed to do for my son, and how we were going to do it. That if we didn't do it, he would not get the help he needed. That he would flounder, and go untreated, unhelped.

We argued about what kind of help he needed, and who could give it to him. In essence, we were trying to manage his disease and his healing. Right after I found myself getting caught up in the discussion, I started to feel I was slipping down the slippery slope of feeling as though I was my son's Higher Power. That it was all on my shoulders. It did not feel good. It did not feel comfortable. I started to see myself assessing others in the family, and those trying to help my son, and finding I was criticizing them, and the way they were going about trying help my son.

I felt I saw things clearer than they did, and that if I did not speak up, they would damage him. I started to feel responsible for all of it, all over again. I stated to feel that I was the only one that really understood him, and that no one else cared enough to try to see things from his point of view. I felt as though they just wanted him to behave, that nothing he said had any merit to them. That his questions and concerns were just his attempt to avoid responsibility and he should just shut up and co-operate. As I am writing this, I feel my stomach tightening. I feel the anxiety rising. Obviously, it is still striking a nerve.

I saw myself slipping into the same rut I had been in, before I had heard step 1. I had started to forget that I was powerless, and I started to pick up my old tried-and-true ways of trying to gain control, because I felt uncomfortable surrendering, and trusting, in what Higher Power would try to do with and for my son. It did not feel good. I started to feel like I could go down the path of obsessing about what and who I should talk to, what I would say to them, how I would say it, all to try to get the right outcome, change the right minds, and make what happen the way I thought it should go. I had to take a deep breath this morning and repeat step 1 a few times.

So then I turned to the CTC, to see what today's message would be. I read, "The Second Step is about possibility, about hope. With this Step, we come to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. We are asked to open our minds to the possibility that help is available. Perhaps there is a source of assistance that is available to do for us, what we have been unable to do for ourselves. We don't have to believe that it will happen, only that it could.

This little bit of hope, this chink in the armor of despair, is enough to show that we are willing to move in the direction of healing. Once we recognize that the possibility of help exists, it seems worthwhile to explore a relationship with a Higher Power. A little willingness can go a long way toward making hope and faith an on-going part of our lives. In the hands of an Higher Power, sanity and serenity become realistic hopes." Seeing this was such a good reminder to why I am trying to do all this. Hope. I am moving with, and toward, hope.

So, where am I at with hope and a Higher Power to help my son, but also myself? I have been questioning if this is something that is strictly on a mental and emotional level, or, does it involve action. I have not felt. lately, that I could take action, or that my attention and action was welcome or required. I still don't. But I am going to trust that Higher Power will show me, when and if, I should. In the mean time, I will try to practice listening, and not just fill my mind with a lot of chatter. Chatter is just my will and ego doing all the talking.

This is hard for me to do because my mind is used to working overtime. It has been a very potent tool and drug for me. It has given me a sense of superiority in relationship to others. It has also made me feel alienated from others, because of this. So how do I listen, and how do I know when Higher Power has spoken to me, and that it is from Higher Power and not my own ego? People at the Al-Anon meeting last night talked about two acronyms for ways to approach challenging situations. "THINK" and "HALT". T.H.I.N.K stands for, Is it "Thoughtful, Honest, Necessary or Kind."? H.A.L.T stands for, are you" Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired."?

These questions and concepts are supposed to help you review your intentions, before you act, to decide if the action is for the highest intention and good of all concerned. Nine times out of ten, it seems, you probably decide that it is NOT necessary to act. Interesting huh? It makes you realize how much of thought, speech and action is motivated by fear. Fear which precipitates anger, control and abusive actions. I can attest to that. I have done things in the past to manipulate others into doing, or not doing, what we want them to do. But in the Twelve Steps, we are often asked to surrender, or accept, Higher Power's will. That what is happening is for our highest good, whether we can see it or not. That does not mean, though, to accept abuse.

It also means that Higher Power is acting to restore us to sanity. Step Two is saying that living other than by Higher Power's will is acting from a place of insanity. That we have become disconnected, and lost touch, with this source of benevolence and good will. The will of that which created us. That by surrendering and allowing this will to guide our actions, and our lives, a true order and sanity will re-emerge. It will balance and correct all that is in our lives as well. This hope for peace and serenity, in the midst of whatever may be occurring, is the true gift that serenity offers. Why would you ever want to live any other way?

Thanks for listening!

Keep coming back:)

Step 2 - Day 51

Mood: Steady. I am starting to really get a sense of what this serenity thing might be all about. It is really a huge weight off my shoulders to not feel responsible for saving my son.

Music: "Witness", by Sarah McLachlan. Such a beautiful song about desiring for that authentic awareness of our true, awake and serene selves. All the ways we deny ourselves amidst the confusion and chaos of life. Let go and let God.....

Garden: Half mowed. I mowed the lawn yesterday till I ran out of gas for the mower. Now it is raining and I half to pick up more gas. Tomorrow? At least the Irises look amazing!

Step 2-

"Came to realize that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity"

Today feels on edge, to a certain degree. Because my son is refusing to take medication, many people involved with his situation and life, are having a lot of reactions and issues about it. First, though, he is in a court-based mental health program, as part of alternative sentencing. So it is not as though he is just free, to do as he chooses. He is there because of crimes that were committed, with the root cause being seen as his newly diagnosed mental illness.

These crimes were peeing on someones car, in-public, and trespassing on someones property to make a protest about private ownership of land.In both incidents, he did not harm anyone. He was not violent, and he did not damage anything permanently. Unless you think a little urine will permanently damage a paint job. So what is the real issue?

The real issue is seems, is that he was being a public nuisance. He was infringing on other peoples right, for them and their property, to be left alone. Free of disturbance and harassment. For that, if he does not comply with the MHC program, he will be held for up to 6-12 more months. He had already done two months, in the county jail, before he agreed to the MHC alternative sentencing program.

Now, since he is not agreeing to take meds, they feel those crimes are worthy of another year of his life. I don't know if I agree with that. He has been out of jail for 4 months now and has not re offended, or committed any more crimes. Whether he would have, if had had not been in the MHC program, I do not know. If he had not been required to be clean and sober would his moods have precipitated another incident?

In this time he also had a psych eval, that determined that he has Bi-Polar disorder. He has not had counseling. He got an EBT card. He shows up for weekly meetings with his case worker. Other than that, he has had no kind of therapy or help with trying to work on his issues. The family even paid for the psych eval. The state did not. So what exactly are they trying to accomplish here? What is their goal?

Obviously, my son is not in a strong place. He does not have any plans for his life, and he is living in a very sketchy living situation. It is heart wrenching to see that. I don't know how, or if, he is learning anything from this. I don't know how he sees his life, and how he would like to see his life look, in the future. I don't know if I should do anything about it.

So as his mom, what is my role? Should I advocate for him? Should I try to help? Should I let the system do what it does, even if unenlightened and punitive? In the CTC reader today, it said, " In order to keep family and friends from interfering with their drinking (mental illness), alcoholics (mentally ill people) sometimes create diversions by accusing or provoking.

At such a time, we who have been affected by someone else's drinking (mental illness) tend to react, to argue or defend ourselves. As a result, nobody has to look at the alcoholism (mental illness) for we are too busy focusing on the particular point being argued-any topic will do. And, unfortunately, what we defend against we make real."

It goes on to say, "When we take step one, we admit that we are powerless over this disease. We do not have the strength necessary to fight it. Defending ourselves by engaging in arguments with actively drinking and otherwise irrational people is as fruitless as donning armor to protect ourselves from a nuclear explosion. Only a power greater than ourselves, can restore us to sanity"

I keep thinking about this over and over today. Here the family is, arguing by email, about what we should be doing, who is right, who is wrong. Is it OK for him to not be taking meds? Is it OK for the court system to lock him up if he doesn't? But, we all think that it is up to us to get him well. That what we do, or don't do, will be pivotal in this. In reality, it is not up to us, his illness or his wellness. So what should we do? What should the MHC program do? What is fair, right and good for him and the community? I will ask Higher Power to help me with this one.

Thanks for listening!

Keep coming back:)

Step 2 - Day 49

Mood: Sad. I saw my son last night at his ball game and read an email from his step-mom about his visit to his dad's house last night, and I just feel worried and depressed about how he is, and if things will ever get better for him.

Music: "The Beauty of Grey", by Live. Trying to keep my heart open to what this experience is teaching me, that "there but for the grace of God...." We are all not much different than each other. One mans sanity is another mans insanity. Who is right?

Garden: Bushy. Is rained again this morning or I would have mowed, finally. We'll have to see what tomorrow is like. Timing has not been on my side...

Step 2-

"We came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity."

Step 2 - Day 48

Mood: Restless. I'm working when I wish I weren't. My son has a ball game this afternoon that I wish I could be at. Always wishing for something else.....

Music: "I've Been Everywhere, Man", by Johnny Cash. The exact opposite of how I feel. I am feeling trapped in a rut right now. Going nowhere. Stuck. Attachment looms.

Garden: Neglected. Need to get to it. This Wednesday, my day off, I will getting going on all that.

Step 2-

"Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity"

If insanity feels like you want to be anywhere else than right here, right now, than I am a raging lunatic! Why do I resist my life so much, at times? What am I looking for, and where exactly do I think I am going to find it? I've been "seeking" for 25 years, but I still seem to keep thinking there is something that will save me, release me, bring me to a better place other than here. Why is that? What is wrong with right here? What is wrong with right now? I could say I want to be younger, thinner, more educated, more affluent, more successful and more popular. But to a certain extent that would be a lie. More than anything I want to be free of pain. To be at peace with my life. But is that right? Why have I never been really comfortable within my own skin?

In the CTC today it says, "Legends have often told of spiritual journeys in which the hero must face great challenges before gaining the treasure at the journey's end. As the heroes of our own stories, we in Al-Anon have also embarked upon a spiritual journey-one of self-discovery....we are guided on this journey by a Power greater than ourselves, but the steps we take must be our own. Only by facing the darkness can we receive the treasure-the light and joy of emerging released from all that has held us back." So what is holding me back, and how do I release myself from it? How do I find peace, withing myself, within my life and in the world? It's all I've ever really wanted. I know enough to know that material things are not what will give it to me. But my mind betrays me so often, no matter how many times I go over and over, the same ideas and concepts and teachings. What is the key to making it stick?

I am told in Al-Anon it is not my will, but the will of Higher Power, that brings all things to my life. I find my discomfort in my life comes, at times, from wanting it to be other than what it is. If everything I have is due to the grace of Higher Power, than why do I not accept what is? Why am I not at peace with that? What do I want or desire, that I don't have? What do I think that will make me truly happy, that I do not already possess? I actually get tired of saying this, because it is a feeling and sentiment, that seems to never go away. Like a broken record. It doesn't seem to change. What is this feeling comprised of? What makes it tick? It is a sense of frustration, of boredom, of restlessness. It is a sense of lack of fulfillment. It is a sense that I have somehow failed at my life. Failed to "make something of myself". That I have not lived "up to my potential".But what is a successful life?

Thanks for listening!

Keep coming back:)

Step 2 - Day 47

Mood: Rested. Mellow night at home yesterday. Rain kept me from doing yard work, so I roasted a whole chicken for dinner. Lazy morning, with cats sunning themselves on the deck, and me eating fruit and cottage cheese for breakfast with them. Just the way I like my Sundays....

Music: "Have A Talk With God", by Stevie Wonder. I can listen to this now, post intro to Al-Anon, because I know God for me is "one of my understanding". That works for me.

Garden: Still wet and weedy. I did get my compost bin set-up this morning though. It got it's first load of rotting veggies too. I love seeing everything used. Nothing going to waste. Nothing is a waste, everything has a purpose, people or banana peels!

Step 2-

"Came to understand that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity."

I want to talk about what Higher Power is to me, today. Since I mentioned that Higher Power in the Twelve Steps is a "God of my understanding", what exactly is that for me, at this time? For me God is creation itself, the force that is responsible for all creation, all that we see. But God is also the emptiness, or potential, from which all creation arises. God includes everything, seen and unseen. Nothing is left out of this. Nothing. Everything is an integral part of this web. Nothing is not originally from the same source, so everything is to be honored as from the same creator. Life is interdependent, and all-encompassing. So everything has purpose, meaning and is, ultimately, a creation of love. Everything from the one source is made from the same loving force.

So, when I think about a Power greater than myself, I am not thinking about some being or entity, I am thinking about the order of the universe. I am thinking about the web of life, and how I fit into it. I also believe this web of life is changing and evolving, like all living systems do. The definition of something that is no longer alive, dead, is that it has stopped adapting and changing to the environment. Stasis=death. And evolution is constant. Every encounter, every event, every person in my life has meaning. All that they encounter and learn from, is impacting me on a minute by minute, hour by hour basis. It is phenomenally complex, but also simple. Complex because of the uncountable number of influences and interactions that take place. Simple, because they are all taking place for one purpose-Love. They are all taking place so that there can be an ever increasing evolution of love, in all forms. Cool, huh?

But what do I mean by love? To me love is connection. Identification. Awareness of unity, of sameness, of belonging. I seek it, but I already am it. I already belong to a vast web of life. I am already playing a role in that life. I, by recognizing this, can act in a way that honors that interconnection and life. If I know I am "my brothers and sisters keeper", and I mean ALL my brothers and sisters;two-legged, 4-legged, and many more legged, than I know what will not only sustain my life, but also the life of "all my relations". I will try to live in a way that honors and ensures that. This is not just on a physical level, but emotional and mental levels as well. And how do I do this? By practicing harmlessness and kindness. To act as if everyone was part of my family, and treat then as such, even if they are the family member that rubs me the wrong way, most of the time. It is important to practice patience and tolerance too, so that I too will be given it, when it is my turn. And it will be, eventually!

So, how can my sense of Higher Power restore me to sanity? For me it has always been about relationship. And respect. Insanity for me is a disconnection from life. A sense of being out of it, out of this world, not part of life, alien to it. Fearful or destructive because of that sense of alienation and disconnection. Disconnection can come in many forms too. But it starts in the mind. With illusions and delusions, a moving away from being present. An escape into realms of the mind. This mental disconnection leads to feelings of emotional pain, and feelings of isolation, alienation and fear. I am, on one level, an animal, and when I the animal feel isolated, cornered or threatened, the fear causes all sorts of aberrant behavior. This can result in physical actions being taken, or further isolation, such as my retreating from society. That or others isolating me also, shunning or expelling me from the community out of their fear.

My earliest sense of connection came from my birth, and also my family, shortly after my birth. What happened during that time imprinted on me what I thought and felt about life, family and my connection to the community, and the greater web of life in which I belonged. I came into an educated and very young family. My parents were both college graduates, just out of school, but very immature and naive. They were poor, coming from poor families, the first in their family to go to college and very inexperienced about life. Other than school, they both really didn't know much. And to top it off, both of their families of origins had mental illness, sex abuse, alcoholism and poverty. We lived then, in a poor and rough neighborhood, where most of our neighbors were like their families had been, except black, Hispanic and Irish. I don't remember feeling safe except when I was very young and mostly cared for by a baby sitter, and indoors mostly. Once I started going outside to play, that's when the trouble really started.

To me, that time in my life represented when I lived amidst a collection of people that had very little sense of connection, of community or interdependence. Everyone was out for themselves. Even children. Largely neglected, we were easy targets for older children or adults. Street savvy is what kept you alive, helped you to know when you were in-danger, or how to deflect attacks or abuse from others. I had to learn this the hard way. Ironically enough, my family was there to help. My parents wanted to help people to advocate for themselves, as tenant union and community organizers. You can't organize a community though, until people feel and recognize, that they are a community. People just saw me as another kid to dominate or exploit, and I had my share of run-ins with bullies, abusers and thieves. My brother and I had our first tricycle stolen, the first day we had it, by a neighbor boy who wanted for his sister.

These experiences really imprinted on me, at a very young age. Though I had parents who were more aware and educated, it did not change the effect of that early emotional environment of fear and abuse. When we moved to another community a few years later, in another state, I felt shell shocked and leery of strangers. I was already on the defense, even before there was any need to be. It is sad that so many poor kids, probably the majority of kids in this country, have these kinds of experiences growing up. Poverty, addiction, abuse and neglect take a heavy toll on young hearts and minds. Add to that my own family, with it's history of mental illness, emotional dysfunction and sexual abuse, and I got a heavy schooling in how to disappear as a person. I may have been there physically, but inside I was crushed. I remember not really knowing how I thought or felt about much of anything.

I have seen this change over the years, as I confronted things in my life. As crisis precipitated, from the result of my distorted thinking and ability to relate to others, I had to re-think everything from the ground up. Sometimes it has seemed painstakingly slow. But there has been progress. The way the Twelve Steps is contributing to that now, has been in how I see myself in relationship to others. I began to understand and have a sense of interconnection in the past, but saw it more from an environmental and planetary level. In Al-Anon I am taking it right down to the human and personal. I am being re-schooled in a sense of independent-interconnectedness. In the past, I thought it was my will that was responsible this. I believed if I was good enough, tried to do everything right, I would find my way to heaven or nirvana. With the steps I am getting a first-hand look at the effects, on a relationship level, of this very basic sense of connection to a larger whole. A power greater than myself. It really does make us crazy to think we are in control of everything.

Another effect of my past experience is the lack of a sense of gentleness, compassion and warmth. In the CTC this morning Today's Reminder read, "If I am being hard on myself, I can stop and remember that I deserve gentleness and understanding from myself. Being human is not a character defect! Today I will be gentle with my humanness." One of the ways I have healed from past abuse was recognizing that I deserved better treatment. Kinder and more patient relationships. It takes a while to trust that this is something that can be trusted and relied upon. When substances, and mental illness are involved, it is the unpredictableness that is so frightening. The chaos and confusion that seems to be the standard. As I find more sanity and I give this compassion and warmth to others, I attract others that can give it back to me. I also have to be willing to accept too though, and trust that it is real.

So, in closing, I would like to say that I look forward to greater and greater levels of sanity, as I come to know my Higher Power's will, and follow it, knowing that I am in the hands of a vast and loving force that wants nothing but my highest good. This awareness is very liberating and comforting to me. It gives me hope that there is a way to live life that works. It gives me faith that I can find my way to a way of living that will bring me a greater sense of joy and connectedness in my life, and to the world. I believe that this will bring the peace that I, and we all crave, in the world. One mind at a time. But we can only do it for ourselves. And we must try. I believe the fate of our world hangs on this effort that we are all being asked to make. Won't you join me?

Thanks for listening!

Keep coming back:)

Step 2 - Day 46

Mood: Worried. I like to worry, it seems. Whether about my son, if I am "getting anywhere in life", friends and family, my health, you name it. I am a worrier. Ugh.

Music: "Opening Spirit (The Tyranny of Tradition)" , by Live. I love this band. They are very aware, awake and clear. And they rock. I should see if they are playing in the area sometime. I would like to write songs like they do also. Yeah!

Garden: More flowers! Round two of the beautiful volunteer bulbs that were planted by the previous owner. My big, round flower bed is full of a huge number of purple Irises about to bloom, and the most delicate and gorgeous singular lavender & gold Iris also. What an unexpected gift to have all this at this new house!

Step 2-

" Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity."


I'm feeling needy today. I have been trying to understand what exactly that means, at this moment. I feel the need for a deeper sense of connection, of closeness, of intimacy. But is it with a person, or life in-general? And how do you know the difference? How do you know when it is the right kind of need or an unhealthy version? How much do you need to take care of your own needs, and how much can you ask of another? In the Twelve Steps, the message is consistently to "take care of yourself". But how does that differ from relating to others, helping others, wanting others company? How does that differ from feeling lonely and wanting company or companionship? And there are many difference kinds of companionship. Many different levels of intimacy. How do I know what is OK and not OK?

When I think of my son, and how he is doing, I think about whether he is feeling lonely, whether he is feeling needy, and what he feels is OK to ask, or not ask, of others of his family also. In my confusion I probably have made this more difficult for him. Hopefully, he will solve this problem for himself, sooner than I have, so he will not live with this sense of pain at not knowing how to relate to others, or let others close to him. But his experience is his concern, and mine is mine. So right now I am trying to understand my feelings, and what they mean, at this time. I feel for my son. I wonder what, or if, I should do anything for him. I do not want to harm him out of my ignorance, but am I doing the best that I can, as limited as that may be?

So what does this longing or sense of neediness feel like? I am feeling it right now in the pit of my stomach, like an ache. It feels like it is pulling on me. I have felt this before, and it usually has been a signal to me that I am experiencing an attachment of some kind. I can remember, in the past, acting out of a sense of wanting this pain to end, and acting in ways I regretted. It was usually in relationship to a person I felt needy for. A person I felt close to, who I was feeling separate from. This pain felt like a hole, an ache, that had to be filled, had to be relieved. I don't want to act from that motivation, or cling to others in an unhealthy way. So, do I just acknowledge the feeling, and wait for it to pass, or is there something more I should do about it?

I will try to describe it more now, to start. This is important to me. It is worthy of going into, in detail, because it has impacted so many of my relationships to other people. It represents the nature of intimacy, friendship, loneliness, connection and the boundaries between me and other people. It chronicles what I have been willing to do, or what I have refrained from doing, for these relationships, or because of them. So how does it feel? It is a very primal ache. It pulls from deep within my gut, and feels almost like a hunger. I have associated it with a sense of attachment to a person or a thing that held great meaning. I have also associated it with fear, and with the fear of loss or disappointment.

I remember a time, when I was growing up in a large city, and I was part of an outing club at my junior high. My science teacher would take a group of us hiking and camping for the weekend, out of the city. I loved being part of this group. My family were not the outdoor types, so having the opportunity to go on these trips was very important to me. One weekend, we were going to be going for a two-day trip, up into the mountains of the next state, and stay in hiking huts on the top of the mountain. I had been looking forward to this trip all month. I was also particularly fond of my teacher, which in hindsight, I could see was like a father figure to me. I accidentally overslept, and missed getting to the school on-time to join the group.

I went home very upset, crying with disappointment and rage. My stomach ached and I felt I was going to die. Adolescent hormones, I'm sure, were contributing but I really was despondent. My mother tried to comfort me, but I lay on my bed sobbing and feeling I had missed the best trip of my life. I remember that sense of hollow emptiness in my stomach, and the feeling that nothing would fill it but that one thing. I felt I had to have it and not having it really was the worst feeling in the world. I have felt this at times with my son too. I am sure it really is not a healthy way to deal with a sense of loss, but it is a real feeling. It is actually great to have the opportunity to look at this again today, to maybe get one step closer to understanding it better, and not being impacted so much by it in the future. Or that is the hope.

It really is not a pleasant feeling at all. It seems to fill the awareness, and leave the present moment feeling lacking. Maybe that is part of the problem, as well as the solution? There is a sense of being attached to something that is no longer there, a person that is now gone, or an event that is over. But the attachment to it lingers. The good feeling of that time wants to be continued, but it is associated with that person, thing, or event. Once it is gone, the present is seen as lacking or wanting of that feeling. But where did that feeling come from in the first place? It can only come from within. It is like you give yourself permission to be happy, if all the right conditions are met, and if they no longer seem to be the right ones, the feeling leaves or is not present.That is a serious attachment!

So, what is the solution? Is there one, actually? Is it possible to feel full, engaged, connected, every moment of every day? Or do we just allow ourselves to go through the highs and lows, ups and downs, and just chock it up to being human? Is this what insanity is? Does this constitute an insane state? Being of a healthy, sound mind and with good reason, that is what is understood to be sane. Is it insane to be living in the past, wanting the present moment which is not the past, to feel the same? Is it sane to attach ones happiness to another person, place or thing, and have the potential for that to be lost cause you so much pain? What is a healthy relationship to any of these then? How can you acknowledge your feelings, be present with them, but not attached to whether they continue or not?

The quote from the CTC today is, "Worry and fear can alter our perceptions until we lose all sense of reality, twisting neutral situations into nightmares. Because most worry focuses on the future, if we can learn to stay in the present, living one day or one moment at a time,we take positive steps toward warding off the effects of fear." That really is it in a nutshell. It is fear, and worry, that what felt so good will not happen again, and that the person, place or thing that you felt it with is responsible for that. You cannot depend on any one person, place or thing to always be there for you, always deliver the goods, always make you feel that same way you felt. Setting yourself up for that expectation only sets you up for disappointment. Everything changes and nothing stays the same. So what do we do with that?

The prescription is also given: "learn to stay in the present, one day or one moment at a time." Easier said than done. In reality, though, you are ever only in the present. Any thing else is just an illusion of the mind. It really is insanity to live in a place that doesn't exist. The past is past and the future is not here yet. There only is the present. So how can you experience the fullness of this moment? How can you be fully present in the present, and reap the potential of this moment? Well, first, you have to have no resistance to what this moment holds. To be present, you have to be willing to feel what you are feeling, on every level, and just be with that. It will change or you might find yourself changing it. But you have to be in it first. So how can Higher Power restore this sense of sanity to me now? Good question! I await the message that that question will bring.

Thanks for listening!

Keep coming back:)

***Note: I will no longer write about what I am looking forward to, or what I fear or feel challenged by happening in the future, because that only focuses me in a future time which does not even exist yet. And I want to be fully in the present. I will try to be more HERE NOW!

Step 2 - Day 45

Mood: Chipper. Feeling good today. Life feels OK, even with everything happening with my son. Just trying to say life is still worth living, and living well. Friends help!

Music: "Right Hand Man", Joan Osbourne. I love this folk/rocker chick! She's my kinda grrrl.

Garden: Weeds! Gotta get pullin' them weeds, man. Theyz are gettin' a bit outta control. Get ready for the pullin' fest this weekend, you weeds, you!

Step 2-

"Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity"

Skipped another couple of days writing this blog. I seem to keep doing this after I go to court with my son. This time, though, I didn't go to court with him, I went to see him. He did not look well. I was not able to say to see him go up before the judge. Court got started late, and I could not get off from work, so I had to leave. That felt really strange. He is a young man now though. I am not sure how much he wants or needs me to be there. I still haven't heard back from him on how things went. I know they did not send him back to jail, yet, even though he is not taking the medication they want him to take. I am just wondering these days what he is thinking about himself, and what he thinks is going on, within his head, at this time.

From the CTC today, "I heard it said that the only valid comparisons are between myself as I am and myself as I used to be. When I think of Step Two and being restored to sanity, such a comparison comes to mind." It's hard to think back at what I used to be like. I have some shadowy recollections, but those are based on the I that I was at the time, and how I observed myself to be, then. How would I see myself now, from this vantage point? I remember what I wish not to repeat, but it is much harder to remember what makes me unique, special even.

That will come in Step 4, I am told, which I am looking forward to. My tendency is to focus on what is not right, needs to be fixed, are my weaknesses. I have felt drowned in the heavy, heavy and suffocating atmosphere of a sense of failure as a human being, that that mindset has brought. I look forward to loosening that hold on my sense of shame and inadequacy. There is only so much self-hatred you can stomach in one lifetime, before it make you sick to your stomach. Being aware of weaknesses is important, but a healthy sense of self-love is what is on my agenda these days as well. Finally!

I've also been noticing, lately, that you can only be loved as much as you are willing to be loved.That is something I can definitely compare myself to my past self,from more recently. I have mostly found it extremely hard to take compliments, because I compare myself to some unseen standard, that no one but me knows. Most people complimenting me on something, base it on a comparison to what they could, or couldn't do themselves. But, I usually only accept a comparison if it is to an idol or hero. Of course, trying to be like a person who is considered the best at what they do is an impossibly steep goal. But I have usually never settled for less in my standards or goals for myself. The better to flagellate myself with.

Another daily reminder from the CTC, " Looking back I see many examples of a Power greater than myself at work in my life. I see progress in being restored to sanity, and I am increasingly confident that my progress will continue." To me, right now, being restored to sanity means being able to just allow myself to be, in all that that means. There is a life that is being lived. There are events that are happening in that life. There are emotions, relationships, experiences and growth. And this includes everything that is happening with my son.

The task, if you can say that there is one, is to just be present. Much in the Al-Anon program, for me, is about not living in either the past or the future. Because they do not really exist. I have been given feedback over the years that I "live in my head too much" But thoughts do occur, and for some, more than others. These thoughts have been what they have been, and they have changed, and those changes have changed this life. Thoughts do impact my life. They are the precursors to action. They premeditate it. My thoughts about what is happening to my son, in this short time are changing, particularly where I feel it is either my fault, or my responsibility to cure him. And the steps do say, " you didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it." Whew! Big one!

For me though, the question is not if there are thoughts, but what kind. On one level, all thought is just thought, and it is occurring, and it will continue to occur, change and progress the life to which they are occurring. On another level, as the acknowledged person that I am, that has a name, a personality and a set of circumstances to live through, the particular thoughts that are arising paint a picture, on the canvas of my life, that show what that life might look like. By working the Twelve steps, this particular person that I am, is progressing this particular life, along it's predetermined lines. This is good, for it truly is the will of Higher Power, or it would not be happening. So I accept, and go along for the ride...

I can compare myself, to where this life was before, and on one level it could be said to be progressing toward greater sanity, and that would be true and right. On another level, it would just be changing, with no judgement, because everything that is occurring, is occurring through Higher Power's will. And that will is beyond knowing in totality. It's scope is too vast for any one mind to conceive. It is the shared, and collective, experience of all lives and all wills. It's purpose is unknowable. But that is OK. I can see the will that is within my scope to observe and participate in. It is occurring right now, and everything I need to know can be found within this one moment. And that is good. Very good. Even when it doesn't feel good.

So, where do I go from here? I just go forward, doing what I am doing, feeling what I am feeling, thinking what I am thinking, and showing up for what ever is happening. If that includes experiencing what my son is going through, and how it is affecting me, that is OK. If it includes the Twelve Steps, than it will also. If the Twelve Steps bring sanity to this life, then they do, and that is good. If nothing changes, that is also OK too. But, it has been changing, and through that change, there has been a recognition that there is no will but Higher Power's will.It is starting to occur to me, also, what a relief that is. A huge weight off these tiny shoulders.

So, acceptance of that just allows that which already is, to be without conflict, complaint or concern. It will happen, nonetheless, but the ride can be pleasant, or it can be bumpy, by the recognition of how it all works. I think I am choosing acceptance and a smoother ride. That is the main difference right now. And it is allowing greater sanity to occur. This, I do believe, is happening because of the influence of the ideas and concepts of the Twelve Steps. I do not think I completely understand why they work yet. Maybe that will come in time. But for now, they are working, and that is good.

Thanks for listening!

Keep coming back:)

Looking forward to: More gardening!

Challenges: Not worrying about my son. Yes, still.

Step 2 - Day 44

Mood: Discouraged. I went to court to see my son and found him really "out of it" He just didn't see to care about himself or what might happen.

Step 2 - Day 42

Mood: Elated. I made a new friend who I feel I can talk to about many things I am interested in, particularly mental illness, and my son's experiences.

Music: "Joy Inside My Tears", by Stevie Wonder. A simple song that speaks to how we all need each other to get through life. We can't do it alone.

Garden: Full of mice. The cats are having a "field day" catching them for breakfast each morning. Just wish they would eat them outside, instead of on the kitchen floor!

Step 2

"We came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity"

I really want to focus on the idea of "sanity" today. What exactly is sanity? I suspect there are many different ideas of how a sane vs. an insane person looks, feels or acts. What is my definition? What am I trying to achieve? When I think about what sane is, in my mind and in the world, I think about right relationship. What I mean by that, is that there is a conscious awareness of interdependence, and that we need to know how those relationships can be healthy and beneficial. To be insane, in my mind, is to not be able to relate in a healthy way, to be out-of-touch and damaging to those around you. The tricky part is defining what healthy is.

This is where the conversation changes for me, from one of a personal nature; how I see myself relating to the world, to how the world as a whole can be in a state of health and balance. As a North American, I am becoming acutely aware of how our Western lifestyle is causing a kind of isolated and disconnected relationship to the rest of the world. Because of our consumer-based society, and I don't mean a mental health consumer, we have lost touch with the roots of our connection to the earth. I believe this is having catastrophic effects on our mental health. This sense of disconnection, and disassociation with the world, is breeding a level of neurosis and depression that we have never seen before.

Now that's a really big thesis to pose. But I'm posing it. Where do we go next with that? Let me start with a quote from the CTC reader for today. Denial is a symptom of the effects of alcohol. Just as alcoholics often deny their drinking problems, many of us who have been affected by this disease deny our problems as well. Although we may have been living in chaos, worried about our families, full of self-doubt, spiritually, emotionally and physically depleted, many of us learned to pretend that everything was just fine." When I think about this personally, I can relate it to the effects of relating to my son, who is mentally ill. But I can also relate it to society at-large, which feels mentally ill to me too. But the societal mental illness is a product of our addition to unchecked growth, fossil fuels and unrestrained capitalism.

Can the illness that we experience on a personal level be related to the illness of society at-large? Does trying to participate in a sick system make us sick? Do those who seem to be thriving, are they actually the sickest among us? And those who appear to be the weakest, the most unable to cope, the canaries in the mine shaft, are they pointing out that there is something wrong with the system? Am I going too far afield with this? Am I off-base? Even within a healthy society there will be people who make poor choices and cause harm. No system can be perfect. Are there any healthy societies now? How unhealthy have we gotten as a society? How much of the mental illness that we are seeing today, is a direct result of this? These are questions I want to know.

On a personal note, I am struggling with a certain amount of denial of how bad global warming is, and how much worse it will get, and what I should be doing to prevent any more damage than has already happened. Can I say that if my son does not want to be part of things, as he sees them now, that I can blame him? When I worry about how he will survive, how he will "make it" within society as it stands, am I barking up the wrong tree? Maybe I should be worrying about why I am able to.? Maybe I should be worried about how I can be so unconscious, when so much destruction is going on all around me? Who is really the mentally ill person then? I think this is an important theme I want to explore. I feel we cannot separate our internal lives, our mental health, from the health of the planet as a whole.

How does this relate to me and my son? How is my sanity or insanity, in this regard, contributing to my sons? How has his relationship to me, and to the family he was raised in, been a microcosm of the macrocosm? How does the culture of the family, within the larger culture, influence a family members mental health? How does the family view a fellow members health, when viewed through the lens of the culture in which one is living? Are there cultures that breed insanity because of the degree of disconnection, and disassociation with the earth, that they practice? I am not trying to excuse anti-social behavior. But how do you view what is considered anti-social within the society in which it is being judged, when that society may be sick?

What is unhealthy about our current culture? We are living very busy lives, driven by the need to generate the highest cost of living, of any country in the Western world, because of rising inflation, rising cost of all good and services. This because we are dependent on fossil fuels and dying forms of technology that are raping and pillaging the planet. We have to work harder and harder to keep this dying system going. We are all stressed out and anxious. We know the system is broken, and yet so few of us are willing to change our habits, even though it is killing us. How is this not like alcoholism?

We are addicted to this way of life. This lifestyle, this kind of societal disassociation and disconnection. For us to change this we will have to feel the pain of the world. Pain that we are causing by our demands for more and more of our chosen drug. The rest of the world is in an alcoholic marriage with us. We are dragging them down. The only way for them to survive us, will be to step over and around us, as we lay in a puddle of our own vomit, our oily and polluted vomit.But, in reality, it is not like that. Rather than trying to get out of this bad marriage, many nations are looking to become just like us. Like offspring of this unhealthy family, they want to be "just like mom and dad". Heaven help us! Only the few who remember the way it could, and should, be are speaking out. Their quiet, gentle voices are being drowned out by the rush for a "higher" standard of living. Whatever that means.

Again, how does this relate to my son? To me? I don't know actually. I just feel it, deeply, and know there is truth there. But I am not sure where this will lead me. I am trying to be open. I am on a journey, and I am trying to get to the bottom of what mental health is. What mental illness is. What consciousness and wholeness and real health is, not only for me and my son, but also for the world as a whole. I believe there is an intimate connection. I believe there is a fundamental connection to all life, and when you tamper with that, you pay a price. Maybe all of the environmental destruction is just a physical sign of a much deeper and more important disconnection, a disconnection from God, from Life itself.

To me, any God worth it's salt does not leave anything out of the equation. There has to be a wholeness, an inclusiveness, a completeness. What happens when some things are left out or sacrificed? Am I wrong to assume that if it doesn't work for the whole then it will not work for the parts? What would a whole and balanced world look like? What would we each look like as a product of that wholeness and world? What is the answer to finding healing for those of us who are not well? Is it they that must change, or the society and culture, in which they are a part that must? Just in-terms of stigma alone, we have a long way to go. That does not even take into account the issue of treatment. Who are really the sick ones here? Ugh!

Thanks for listening!

Keep coming back:)

Looking forward to: My writers group tonight.

Challenge: Keep trying to find my way through the maze of mental health/illness paradigms.

Step 2 - Day 41

Mood: Quiet. Rested. Woke up to sun and birds singing. Mellow morning eating toast, coffee and fruit for breakfast. The simple pleasure are best.

Music: "Strange Affair", by June Tabor, one of my all-time favorite singers, though she was, I am sure, a Hyperthymic depressive. Takes one to know one:)

Garden: Needing to be trimmed and mowed. Manure and rototiller coming for the veggie garden Wednesday. Can't wait to get a move-on with all that. Ah, Summer!

Step 1-

"Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity"

How am I doing today? I went to a new Al-Anon meeting last night, which was a nice group. It included a beginners meeting, which was also good, since I am a beginner. I am still amazed at the depth of wisdom, and understanding, that these strangers I am sharing rooms with, speak with and have. It is amazing how we all are taking these ideas, the ideas of the 12 steps, and bringing them into our lives. I have been very weary of following another "path" again. I have tried so many. But I do feel a sense of community and comfort, in knowing that I am accepted and understood, in my new adopted "family".

This morning is feeling good, so far. If that means it is going according to my wishes, I suppose you could say, "yes". An easy wake-up, not feeling rushed. Time to linger over coffee, read a page from my Courage To Change reader, look at the garden, enjoy the cats, do a little writing and listen to some music. If that constitutes a day going the way I planned, then yes, it is going beautifully. Things feel peaceful and sweet. Mellow and gentle. Beautiful and calm. What more could anyone ask for? Maybe someone to share it with? An intimate friend to look out over life with, and say, "yes", I'll take more of that, please!" That would be my only other wish.

This morning's reading from CTC is, "In the words of Oscar Wilde-In this world there are only two tragedies. One is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it. The last is much worst." In other words, there is my will and there is Higher Power's will. Many wise people have said, "Be careful for what you ask for. You might get it." So what am I asking for today? What is my will hoping for, and what might I regret if I get it? I could say, first and foremost, for things to get much better for my son, right away, right now. But is that a wrong thing to want? I could say for my work, my relationships, my health to get better, to change. But would that be a tragedy?

I am being instructed to only want what my Higher Power wants for me, and to only ask that that will be revealed, not to impose my will on the picture. I can try to do this, but I am still working on whether I believe that Higher Power is really there. That and what is this power, and should I surrender my will to theirs? I did not think that at this stage in my life I would still be thinking these thoughts, or asking these questions, but I really am. I think my previous paths were an intellectual exercise. This is the first time in my life that I can say that I really am looking for, and trying to feel and live, within a living, breathing sense of God.

The CTC today, goes on to say, "My will gets me into trouble. I aim for some goal or other, but even when I get it, I am rarely satisfied. It doesn't make my life complete, so I raise the ante, set a new goal, and push even harder. Or I don't get what I want and feel inadequate or deprived. Maybe that is why not one of the Twelve Steps talks about carrying out -my- will." Oh, that is good! That is so true. There is so much truth in that. So what am I asking for from God? What am I hoping I get, that I don't have, that I feel incomplete without? I will think about his question today, and keep writing about it.

I have often felt very lonely. This loneliness has manifested in the past as wanting to find my 'people", my group. My tribe. I was looking for a community or group of people that embodied everything that I believed in and knew to be true about life. A sort of ideal "family" where I would e understood, accepted and appreciated. Trouble is, over the years, those idea and beliefs have changed, and with them, my affiliations. So, this sense of community has kept evolving, growing, as I grew. I guess now, my hope would be to just be in a dynamic situation, in which I and others kept growing and changing, and accepted those changes. If not, then the ability to detach and not hold myself or others back.

My loneliness now, I think, is just from my self-imposed isolation, out of a fear of being not accepted or understood. That, I have been finding, especially lately, through the Al-Anon and NAMI groups, to have been based on my sense of failure and shame, not on reality. This has been very healing, in a very short span of time. It is amazing how much self-judgement you can generate, that was never originating from anyone else but yourself. I've rejected myself long before anyone else could. How sad. All that missed opportunity for love and intimacy, because I thought I was not worthy. I am hoping, as I keep healing, that this will keep changing.

But is that my will desiring something? I think, in the past, my will has thought that I wanted certain people, certain experiences, and certain things. That having those things somehow validated me. Confirmed my importance, to myself and others. Now, I am finding that it is being authentic, in the moment, no matter what life brings. Living without fear, without blame and shame, and letting life bring your it;s gifts.I am trying to be open a receptive to these gifts, that I feel are coming more and more, and believe that i am worthy of love. Worthy of joy. Worthy of peace and serenity. Sometimes, it seems the hardest thing to do is just to allow life to happen.

Higher Power, what is your plan for me, today? CTC goes on to say, " The only times I have ever found lasting satisfaction, were when I let go of self-will, and committed myself to seeking the will of my Higher Power.Prayer and meditation are two means by which I seek to discover what God's will holds for me, and they help me gain access to the power to carry it out." I have not really been a meditating for 5 years. I spent 15 years before that though, dong quite a bit of it. What changed? I think I became disenchanted with techniques, systems, schools of thought. So how are the Twelve Steps different?

First and foremost, the Twelve Steps only point the way. They do not tell you what to think about God, if that's what you call he/she or it. They also don't tell you how to go about doing it. How to find serenity. The idea is that the steps present a map of what insanity looks like, and also sanity or serenity. But it's up to you to find your way to it. I like that, actually. Spirituality for big boys and girls. Grown up, intelligent relating to God, as we know Him/Her or It. It wouldn't really be real if we didn't make it our own too. it seems your life, as it is presenting, is the meditation. We mainly just need to pay attention. To look. To be present.

OK Higher Power, show me the way!

Thanks for listening!

Keep coming back:)

Looking forward to: Talking with a new NAMI friend tonight, about my son.

Challenge: Not worrying about my son. Trusting in his and my Higher Power more.

Step 2 - Day 40

Mood: Anxious. I've spent some time with my son this weekend, after almost 6 months of not seeing him, and I am just worried all over again about him.

Music: " Shrink ", By Julian Dawson. A great song about depression by an English artist affiliated with the great Richard Thompson.

Garden: Green! All things growing and gorgeous.

Step 1-

" Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity "

So, I have been avoiding this blog for the last couple of weeks. Funny too, since some very important things have happened in this time. Also, funny too, since when I do write in it, I feel better. It helps me to ground, to clear my head and such. I have gotten a chance to spend some time with my son again. Once, when we drove to his last court appearance a little over a week ago. A few days after that, when we went to a spiritual teaching together. Then two nights ago, when I went to his ball game. All of this, after not seeing him for 6 months. It was very interesting to test myself, to see where I am at, and how I am handling being with him. I feel stronger. A lot has contributed to that, I think.

I've been getting deeper into the Al-Anon program, getting to know more Al-Anon folks, and finding help with that. I finished my NAMI Family-To-Family class and met a very special man, who came to present at our final class, a consumer who does presentations on his path to recovery. We are becoming friends, and he has met my son too. I am finding comfort in his perspective and compassion. I have been writing more, and trying to let myself go to places I normally avoid, to let my emotions out, and trust that I can handle it. All of this is good, since I am seeing, more and more, that I will only be as good for my son, as I can be for myself. I need to be well, so I can be well for him. And I have not been well.

So, where am I at today? What do I think of the 2nd Step? Am I ready for the 2nd Step even? I think I am. At least, to start looking at it. I think I can say, with a great deal of certainty, that I understand and agree with step 1. I am powerless over things, pretty much everything, and even though that has been hard to admit, I feel a loosening, a softening, a sense of relief growing. It has been SUCH a burden to carry this belief, thinking that I had that much power! So I feel a certain amount of gratefulness, gladness, to be relieved of that responsibility. Whew! It does not mean that I still don't feel scared, nervous, anxious and a whole bunch of other feelings. But at least I can begin to see what is my work and what is not. I think.

So, the 2nd Step: Let's look at that. "Came to believe..." Yesterday that struck me. Came to believe, not came to know, came to understand,etc. Why believe? I have to admit, I am not into blind obedience. I don't want a bunch more beliefs to be caught-up with. Been there, done that. So why "believe"? The definition of "Belief" is a conviction or trust in something before all the facts are available, or experience has proven it to be true. A "leap of faith", so to speak. So, to come to believe in something, does not imply that you have to have seen it working yet, or proven it yet to yourself. Just that you are willing to believe it enough to try, to open yourself to the "possibility", that it might be true. Heavy! Can I do that?

Can I "come to believe" anything? Well, in truth, I do it all the time. Anytime I reach out for assistance, help or support. Anytime I ask someone to do something for, or with, me I am suspending judgement. I am putting faith in, and trusting, that they will do what they say they will. Deliver the goods, follow through. We do it all the time. All the time we trust that things will go, "according to plan" So, would I hesitate to do this because there was a chance it wouldn't work out? No. And it sometimes doesn't. In fact, there will be times when it definitely doesn't. But does that stop me from moving forward? No. Does that stop me from putting faith and trust in others all the time? NO. Because many more times it does seem to work out. So should I hesitated now? Maybe not. What do I have to lose? Nothing. So I might as well try.....Also heavy.

Next question. "Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves...." So, again, I do think that there is a "Power" greater than myself. All I have to do is look around. There is so much wonder in the world beyond imagining. At least for my puny little mind. And yet, there it is! The shear magnitude of creation, it's diversity and beauty is staggering. How can you not fall down in awe? There is, most definitely, Power greater than ourselves. So, can I believe in that Power? Can I at least be willing to try this experiment? Give myself to this belief and allow it to prove, or disprove itself to me? I have nothing to lose, really, except my pain. So, I will allow myself to believe, for now, unless proven otherwise.

"Came to believe that a Power, greater than ourselves, could restore us to sanity" So, am I saying that I see that there is a Power grater than myself at work in the world? And, am I saying that I am willing to believe in this Power, for the time being? But, now, am I being asked to believe that this Power could restore me, and not only that, but restore me to sanity? How do I feel about that? What does it mean to restore something? The definition of restore is to bring back to one's original condition, to it's original state of health. So, did I have an original state? And if so, how did I lose it? How can it be restored? What is my original state too, if this is not it? Some really important questions. How do I answer them? How can I know these things to be true? I am being asked to believe, but how will I know when I know?

Anther question: What is sanity? I've asked this before. But is this step implying that an original state, one I may have known before, was sane? But what I am now is not? When was I like this before? How does my relationship to this "Power greater than myself", ensure that this state of sanity will be restored? I am not being asked to know this now. I am not being asked to understand this now. I am just being asked to "believe" that this is so. To believe, which means to hang out with it, try it, see what happens. To believe that this Power that I see and feel, can restore things, and can restore me. Not only that it can restore me, but it can restore me to sanity. This would imply that trying to believe one is this Power, or has this Power, is part of what has caused my "insanity". And by trusting in, and believing in this Power, a long lost sense of sanity will be restored. Interesting.

But how? How can, by believing in this Power, it have the ability to restore me, and restore me to sanity? Well, the step is not saying that I have to believe this now. It is saying that I can "come" to believe it. You cannot come to something, unless you have traveled to get to it. Unless you have had a journey. A quest. So does this mean I need to start this journey? How do I start this journey? How can I experience, and know, the restorative abilities of this Power? Specifically, the ability to restore sanity? So many questions. But, can questions help me on this journey? Is that how I will be restored? By questioning? My mind can spin in a million directions. I know this. I have seen it spin out of control too. I have seen it create terrifying versions of reality based on my fears.

Where am I at now? I am being asked to "come to believe", in this "Power" and in this Power's ability to "restore" me, and restore me to "sanity". It sounds good. It sounds desirable. If that is what will decrease this pain, fear, anxiety and worry I am dealing with, I am interested. So, how do I start? How do I come to believe? And how do I come to believe that this Power will restore me? And how do I come to believe that this Power will restore me to sanity? I guess I will "start" with asking this Power to do this. It can't hurt! "Higher Power, I ask you to restore me to sanity. I ask you to do whatever you can, and in what ever ways necessary, to bring me back to my original state of sanity, peace and serenity." It's a start. Thank you.

Thanks for listening!

Keep coming back :)

Looking forward to: Al-Anon meeting tonight.

Challenge: Not worrying about my son.

Step 2- Day 35

Mood: Headache. Pollen everywhere. A bit tired. Still trying to catch up on last sleep from staying up too many nights watching re-runs of old TV shows. I get so obsessive sometimes...

Music: "Jessica", by The Allman Brothers. An classic, free-wheeling AB instrumental jam. A joyous ride down memory lane. A great melody. It does remind me of happy Summer road trips:)

Garden: Mowed!! Did it last night after work. Lush. green, full. So nice. Doesn't take too long too. Just my kind of lawn. Just in-time for the rain! Just in time for hay fever!! Oh well.

Step 2 -

"Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity"

Ah, here we are, back with power with a capitol "P". I am still grappling with that. I hesitate to attach myself to things that seem other-worldly. First you have to understand who "you" are, before you can say what this thing that is greater than yourself is. And you have to decide if you even agree that there is something greater than yourself, let alone what it might be or look like.

I mean who am I, and how does that relate or EVERYTHING else? Conventionally, I would say that I am a person. A hominid. A human animal. An animal that thinks, talks, and can believe things. A human animal that has habits, tendencies, socialization and has been raised in a certain culture. Not all humans are alike, even if we share the same basic traits and characteristics.

Next, I would want to want to see how this one human animal relates to the other human animals in her immediate environment. I am an older human animal. I have offspring. I have a family, some of whom are still living, though I do not live with any of them. They are spread out around the country. I live in a a town and community of other humans; friends, neighbors and the like, not related.

I have a home, a job, co-workers, I can read and write. I speak N. American English. I have some education, average for my time and place. I am not rich or poor. I have enough of all the basic necessities and some extra. So by the vast majority on the planet, I am actually very well off. I am comfortable, in every sense of the word.

And yet, I sit here writing this blog feeling unfulfilled. Not happy. Discontent. So the question next is, if I have all the basic material needs met, then what part of me is not happy, not satisfied? I feel emotionally lack luster, which is better today, than the days when I feel truly unhappy, afraid, lonely or angry. But still, what can cause these feelings when all my other needs are met? What more could I need, really? What do I feel is lacking? What do I think I still need?

So if I am a human animal, part of a community of human animals, and withing that community I am taken care of, needs met, then what about this arrangement is not working? The question that is posed in this step is that there is a state of mind that is needing to be restored. It is stating that I am not sane, and that my sanity needs to be restored. But was it ever lost, and if so, how and when? But what is sanity?

1. (noun) sanity
the condition or quality of being sane; soundness of health of body or mind, especially of the mind;saneness

2. (adj) sane
mentally sound; possessing a rational mind; having the mental faculties in such condition as to be able to anticipate and judge of the effect of one's actions in an ordinary maner; -- said of persons

OK, so if sanity or being sane is a state of mind then how does one loose it? It is stated that a sane mind is a rational mind, that is bale to judge the effects of one's actions in an ordinary manner. And other's actions, for that matter. So being insane would be the opposite. It would be irrational and not able to judge the effects of you, or another's actions , in an ordinary manner. Ordinary manner being everyday, common place, mundane. Your day-to-day life.

So ordinary life is impaired by this irrational thinking and behavior. I would say that is true in-terms of addictions and other disorders, mental or otherwise. Everyday life is disrupted. Things which seem common place become complicated or impossible to relate to or accomplish. Whether it is your condition, or the condition of another, your life is thrown into an upheaval.

Thanks for listening!

Keep coming back:)

Looking forward to: A day off.....

Challenges: "Letting go and letting God....."

Step 1 - Day 33

Mood: Confused. I went to court with my son yesterday, who is now back in-touch with me, but I am feeling confused about "who" I am dealing with.

Music: "Johnny Too Bad", By Taj Mahal. Taj's re-make of a Jimmy Cliff song. A song about a man running from the law......Not unlike my son, but maybe for different reasons.

Garden: Running wild. Still need to mow. Beautiful wildflowers everywhere. Almost a shame to butcher them with spinning blades. We'll see...

Step 1-

"We admitted we were powerless over alcohol, that our lives had become unmanageable"

I looked on the calender and realized I had gone over the time-frame set out for the blog, of 1-step-per-month. I think I was ready to change, but my now doing the blog for a week, I had just forgotten what I had set for myself as goal. This is good, because I am ready for a new step, even if just for now. I know steps a worked on all-at-once, in-reality, but the intensity of visiting it for a month solid does have it's effects. So on to the next step......

Thanks for listening!

Keep coming back:)

Looking forward to: See my teachers tonight, a talk.

Challenge: Wondering if my son will come with me tonight, actually.