Step 2 - Day 52

Mood: Hopeful. I just keep handing it over to Higher Power. What else can I do?

Music: "Roundabout", by Yes. "I spend the day your way...." A great way to keep remembering it's Higher Power, not me, in charge. A love song to the universe.

Garden: Oh, don't ask. Too wet to mow this morning. Won't be able to get to it till Sunday. It is what it is.

Step 2-

"Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity."

As I lay in bed this morning, I decided to review step 1, to check-in with myself about where I was at with it. I wanted to do this in preparation for next thinking about step 2. Step 1- "We admitted we were powerless over alcohol (mental illness)-that our lives had become unmanageable" I need to review this today, because after yesterdays events, I felt like I got caught up in a family argument, about what we needed to do for my son, and how we were going to do it. That if we didn't do it, he would not get the help he needed. That he would flounder, and go untreated, unhelped.

We argued about what kind of help he needed, and who could give it to him. In essence, we were trying to manage his disease and his healing. Right after I found myself getting caught up in the discussion, I started to feel I was slipping down the slippery slope of feeling as though I was my son's Higher Power. That it was all on my shoulders. It did not feel good. It did not feel comfortable. I started to see myself assessing others in the family, and those trying to help my son, and finding I was criticizing them, and the way they were going about trying help my son.

I felt I saw things clearer than they did, and that if I did not speak up, they would damage him. I started to feel responsible for all of it, all over again. I stated to feel that I was the only one that really understood him, and that no one else cared enough to try to see things from his point of view. I felt as though they just wanted him to behave, that nothing he said had any merit to them. That his questions and concerns were just his attempt to avoid responsibility and he should just shut up and co-operate. As I am writing this, I feel my stomach tightening. I feel the anxiety rising. Obviously, it is still striking a nerve.

I saw myself slipping into the same rut I had been in, before I had heard step 1. I had started to forget that I was powerless, and I started to pick up my old tried-and-true ways of trying to gain control, because I felt uncomfortable surrendering, and trusting, in what Higher Power would try to do with and for my son. It did not feel good. I started to feel like I could go down the path of obsessing about what and who I should talk to, what I would say to them, how I would say it, all to try to get the right outcome, change the right minds, and make what happen the way I thought it should go. I had to take a deep breath this morning and repeat step 1 a few times.

So then I turned to the CTC, to see what today's message would be. I read, "The Second Step is about possibility, about hope. With this Step, we come to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. We are asked to open our minds to the possibility that help is available. Perhaps there is a source of assistance that is available to do for us, what we have been unable to do for ourselves. We don't have to believe that it will happen, only that it could.

This little bit of hope, this chink in the armor of despair, is enough to show that we are willing to move in the direction of healing. Once we recognize that the possibility of help exists, it seems worthwhile to explore a relationship with a Higher Power. A little willingness can go a long way toward making hope and faith an on-going part of our lives. In the hands of an Higher Power, sanity and serenity become realistic hopes." Seeing this was such a good reminder to why I am trying to do all this. Hope. I am moving with, and toward, hope.

So, where am I at with hope and a Higher Power to help my son, but also myself? I have been questioning if this is something that is strictly on a mental and emotional level, or, does it involve action. I have not felt. lately, that I could take action, or that my attention and action was welcome or required. I still don't. But I am going to trust that Higher Power will show me, when and if, I should. In the mean time, I will try to practice listening, and not just fill my mind with a lot of chatter. Chatter is just my will and ego doing all the talking.

This is hard for me to do because my mind is used to working overtime. It has been a very potent tool and drug for me. It has given me a sense of superiority in relationship to others. It has also made me feel alienated from others, because of this. So how do I listen, and how do I know when Higher Power has spoken to me, and that it is from Higher Power and not my own ego? People at the Al-Anon meeting last night talked about two acronyms for ways to approach challenging situations. "THINK" and "HALT". T.H.I.N.K stands for, Is it "Thoughtful, Honest, Necessary or Kind."? H.A.L.T stands for, are you" Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired."?

These questions and concepts are supposed to help you review your intentions, before you act, to decide if the action is for the highest intention and good of all concerned. Nine times out of ten, it seems, you probably decide that it is NOT necessary to act. Interesting huh? It makes you realize how much of thought, speech and action is motivated by fear. Fear which precipitates anger, control and abusive actions. I can attest to that. I have done things in the past to manipulate others into doing, or not doing, what we want them to do. But in the Twelve Steps, we are often asked to surrender, or accept, Higher Power's will. That what is happening is for our highest good, whether we can see it or not. That does not mean, though, to accept abuse.

It also means that Higher Power is acting to restore us to sanity. Step Two is saying that living other than by Higher Power's will is acting from a place of insanity. That we have become disconnected, and lost touch, with this source of benevolence and good will. The will of that which created us. That by surrendering and allowing this will to guide our actions, and our lives, a true order and sanity will re-emerge. It will balance and correct all that is in our lives as well. This hope for peace and serenity, in the midst of whatever may be occurring, is the true gift that serenity offers. Why would you ever want to live any other way?

Thanks for listening!

Keep coming back:)