Step 2 - Day 51

Mood: Steady. I am starting to really get a sense of what this serenity thing might be all about. It is really a huge weight off my shoulders to not feel responsible for saving my son.

Music: "Witness", by Sarah McLachlan. Such a beautiful song about desiring for that authentic awareness of our true, awake and serene selves. All the ways we deny ourselves amidst the confusion and chaos of life. Let go and let God.....

Garden: Half mowed. I mowed the lawn yesterday till I ran out of gas for the mower. Now it is raining and I half to pick up more gas. Tomorrow? At least the Irises look amazing!

Step 2-

"Came to realize that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity"

Today feels on edge, to a certain degree. Because my son is refusing to take medication, many people involved with his situation and life, are having a lot of reactions and issues about it. First, though, he is in a court-based mental health program, as part of alternative sentencing. So it is not as though he is just free, to do as he chooses. He is there because of crimes that were committed, with the root cause being seen as his newly diagnosed mental illness.

These crimes were peeing on someones car, in-public, and trespassing on someones property to make a protest about private ownership of land.In both incidents, he did not harm anyone. He was not violent, and he did not damage anything permanently. Unless you think a little urine will permanently damage a paint job. So what is the real issue?

The real issue is seems, is that he was being a public nuisance. He was infringing on other peoples right, for them and their property, to be left alone. Free of disturbance and harassment. For that, if he does not comply with the MHC program, he will be held for up to 6-12 more months. He had already done two months, in the county jail, before he agreed to the MHC alternative sentencing program.

Now, since he is not agreeing to take meds, they feel those crimes are worthy of another year of his life. I don't know if I agree with that. He has been out of jail for 4 months now and has not re offended, or committed any more crimes. Whether he would have, if had had not been in the MHC program, I do not know. If he had not been required to be clean and sober would his moods have precipitated another incident?

In this time he also had a psych eval, that determined that he has Bi-Polar disorder. He has not had counseling. He got an EBT card. He shows up for weekly meetings with his case worker. Other than that, he has had no kind of therapy or help with trying to work on his issues. The family even paid for the psych eval. The state did not. So what exactly are they trying to accomplish here? What is their goal?

Obviously, my son is not in a strong place. He does not have any plans for his life, and he is living in a very sketchy living situation. It is heart wrenching to see that. I don't know how, or if, he is learning anything from this. I don't know how he sees his life, and how he would like to see his life look, in the future. I don't know if I should do anything about it.

So as his mom, what is my role? Should I advocate for him? Should I try to help? Should I let the system do what it does, even if unenlightened and punitive? In the CTC reader today, it said, " In order to keep family and friends from interfering with their drinking (mental illness), alcoholics (mentally ill people) sometimes create diversions by accusing or provoking.

At such a time, we who have been affected by someone else's drinking (mental illness) tend to react, to argue or defend ourselves. As a result, nobody has to look at the alcoholism (mental illness) for we are too busy focusing on the particular point being argued-any topic will do. And, unfortunately, what we defend against we make real."

It goes on to say, "When we take step one, we admit that we are powerless over this disease. We do not have the strength necessary to fight it. Defending ourselves by engaging in arguments with actively drinking and otherwise irrational people is as fruitless as donning armor to protect ourselves from a nuclear explosion. Only a power greater than ourselves, can restore us to sanity"

I keep thinking about this over and over today. Here the family is, arguing by email, about what we should be doing, who is right, who is wrong. Is it OK for him to not be taking meds? Is it OK for the court system to lock him up if he doesn't? But, we all think that it is up to us to get him well. That what we do, or don't do, will be pivotal in this. In reality, it is not up to us, his illness or his wellness. So what should we do? What should the MHC program do? What is fair, right and good for him and the community? I will ask Higher Power to help me with this one.

Thanks for listening!

Keep coming back:)