Step 2 - Day 41

Mood: Quiet. Rested. Woke up to sun and birds singing. Mellow morning eating toast, coffee and fruit for breakfast. The simple pleasure are best.

Music: "Strange Affair", by June Tabor, one of my all-time favorite singers, though she was, I am sure, a Hyperthymic depressive. Takes one to know one:)

Garden: Needing to be trimmed and mowed. Manure and rototiller coming for the veggie garden Wednesday. Can't wait to get a move-on with all that. Ah, Summer!

Step 1-

"Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity"

How am I doing today? I went to a new Al-Anon meeting last night, which was a nice group. It included a beginners meeting, which was also good, since I am a beginner. I am still amazed at the depth of wisdom, and understanding, that these strangers I am sharing rooms with, speak with and have. It is amazing how we all are taking these ideas, the ideas of the 12 steps, and bringing them into our lives. I have been very weary of following another "path" again. I have tried so many. But I do feel a sense of community and comfort, in knowing that I am accepted and understood, in my new adopted "family".

This morning is feeling good, so far. If that means it is going according to my wishes, I suppose you could say, "yes". An easy wake-up, not feeling rushed. Time to linger over coffee, read a page from my Courage To Change reader, look at the garden, enjoy the cats, do a little writing and listen to some music. If that constitutes a day going the way I planned, then yes, it is going beautifully. Things feel peaceful and sweet. Mellow and gentle. Beautiful and calm. What more could anyone ask for? Maybe someone to share it with? An intimate friend to look out over life with, and say, "yes", I'll take more of that, please!" That would be my only other wish.

This morning's reading from CTC is, "In the words of Oscar Wilde-In this world there are only two tragedies. One is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it. The last is much worst." In other words, there is my will and there is Higher Power's will. Many wise people have said, "Be careful for what you ask for. You might get it." So what am I asking for today? What is my will hoping for, and what might I regret if I get it? I could say, first and foremost, for things to get much better for my son, right away, right now. But is that a wrong thing to want? I could say for my work, my relationships, my health to get better, to change. But would that be a tragedy?

I am being instructed to only want what my Higher Power wants for me, and to only ask that that will be revealed, not to impose my will on the picture. I can try to do this, but I am still working on whether I believe that Higher Power is really there. That and what is this power, and should I surrender my will to theirs? I did not think that at this stage in my life I would still be thinking these thoughts, or asking these questions, but I really am. I think my previous paths were an intellectual exercise. This is the first time in my life that I can say that I really am looking for, and trying to feel and live, within a living, breathing sense of God.

The CTC today, goes on to say, "My will gets me into trouble. I aim for some goal or other, but even when I get it, I am rarely satisfied. It doesn't make my life complete, so I raise the ante, set a new goal, and push even harder. Or I don't get what I want and feel inadequate or deprived. Maybe that is why not one of the Twelve Steps talks about carrying out -my- will." Oh, that is good! That is so true. There is so much truth in that. So what am I asking for from God? What am I hoping I get, that I don't have, that I feel incomplete without? I will think about his question today, and keep writing about it.

I have often felt very lonely. This loneliness has manifested in the past as wanting to find my 'people", my group. My tribe. I was looking for a community or group of people that embodied everything that I believed in and knew to be true about life. A sort of ideal "family" where I would e understood, accepted and appreciated. Trouble is, over the years, those idea and beliefs have changed, and with them, my affiliations. So, this sense of community has kept evolving, growing, as I grew. I guess now, my hope would be to just be in a dynamic situation, in which I and others kept growing and changing, and accepted those changes. If not, then the ability to detach and not hold myself or others back.

My loneliness now, I think, is just from my self-imposed isolation, out of a fear of being not accepted or understood. That, I have been finding, especially lately, through the Al-Anon and NAMI groups, to have been based on my sense of failure and shame, not on reality. This has been very healing, in a very short span of time. It is amazing how much self-judgement you can generate, that was never originating from anyone else but yourself. I've rejected myself long before anyone else could. How sad. All that missed opportunity for love and intimacy, because I thought I was not worthy. I am hoping, as I keep healing, that this will keep changing.

But is that my will desiring something? I think, in the past, my will has thought that I wanted certain people, certain experiences, and certain things. That having those things somehow validated me. Confirmed my importance, to myself and others. Now, I am finding that it is being authentic, in the moment, no matter what life brings. Living without fear, without blame and shame, and letting life bring your it;s gifts.I am trying to be open a receptive to these gifts, that I feel are coming more and more, and believe that i am worthy of love. Worthy of joy. Worthy of peace and serenity. Sometimes, it seems the hardest thing to do is just to allow life to happen.

Higher Power, what is your plan for me, today? CTC goes on to say, " The only times I have ever found lasting satisfaction, were when I let go of self-will, and committed myself to seeking the will of my Higher Power.Prayer and meditation are two means by which I seek to discover what God's will holds for me, and they help me gain access to the power to carry it out." I have not really been a meditating for 5 years. I spent 15 years before that though, dong quite a bit of it. What changed? I think I became disenchanted with techniques, systems, schools of thought. So how are the Twelve Steps different?

First and foremost, the Twelve Steps only point the way. They do not tell you what to think about God, if that's what you call he/she or it. They also don't tell you how to go about doing it. How to find serenity. The idea is that the steps present a map of what insanity looks like, and also sanity or serenity. But it's up to you to find your way to it. I like that, actually. Spirituality for big boys and girls. Grown up, intelligent relating to God, as we know Him/Her or It. It wouldn't really be real if we didn't make it our own too. it seems your life, as it is presenting, is the meditation. We mainly just need to pay attention. To look. To be present.

OK Higher Power, show me the way!

Thanks for listening!

Keep coming back:)

Looking forward to: Talking with a new NAMI friend tonight, about my son.

Challenge: Not worrying about my son. Trusting in his and my Higher Power more.