Step 1 - Day 22

Mood: Very heavy. Almost like depression. I think I have been taking too much Kava Kava. I notice it goes from mellow to morose if I do. We'll see if tomorrow is better when I cut my dose.

Music: "Love Warriors", by Tuck Andress. An anthem to living by love. I need to find my heart first:)

Garden: Wonderfully smelly. I sat out on the porch and just drank in the scents that were wafting by. Floral. woodsy, grasses, pine. All the smells I love most.......

Step 1-

"We admitted we were powerless of ____(alcohol)-that our lives had become unmanageable."

Today, the way my life feels unmanageable, in-terms of addictions, is that I struggle to think of myself. To care for myself. To love and regard myself. It is amazing how out-of-touch you can become with yourself, when you are constantly worrying about someone else. It feels unmanageable when I think about myself and I would rather be caught-up in someones crisis, then just live a quiet, peaceful life, taking care of my own business. To say I like my life, life who I am and where I am at, is a challenge. Of course, no one can change these things but me too.

So, how do I get to a place where I am really happy with myself and my life? Today's CTC reader said, " Who am I? When I came to Al-Anon I thought I knew the answer to that question, but I discovered that my answers were all out-of-date because I had long ago stopped asking myself who I was. I could tell you about the alcoholics, and everyone else in my life-their likes, dislikes, opinions and feelings- but I had no such answers for myself." Again, wow! How does it keep happening like this, that this little book keeps nailing me? It's like these folks are reading my mind.....Maybe they are :)

So, who am I? And why does that question always make me so uncomfortable? I've spun around that question for years, but it always seems to hinge on what I am willing to feel passionate about, what I care about. To feel passion you have to feel. Why is that so hard for me? Why am I so afraid to admit what I care about, what moves me? If I do then I feel exposed. I feel as though I will be found out. If I am found out then I will somehow be punished? it will be taken away? I will lose it? If I allow myself to feel then I will be vulnerable. I will be disappointed. I will be hurt.

I feel a knot in my stomach just thinking about this. I feel like I have to justify whatever I feel. I feel I have to defend it. I feel whatever I like is suspect. But by whom? It is amazing how much you can hide from yourself. Not know yourself. Be afraid to own who you are. It makes me break into a sweat and I feel anxious writing about this. What if I make a mistake? Will I be stuck? Can I change my mind? Is it OK to be who I am and like what I like? Why should I even have to ask this question? Who am I trying to convince or please? Who or what am I afraid of?

That's all for now.

Thanks for listening!

Keep coming back:)

Looking forward to: Having the day off and meeting with my counselor.

Challenges: Keep looking at what is feeling really painful.