Music: "On The Road Again", by the Memphis Jug Band. Old-timey Delta jug band. Pioneer music.
Garden: Raking some more. Finished the back and am enjoying all the wild flowers springing up on the lawn before I mow it for the first time. Almost a shame. Loving my Hoesta too!!
Step 1-
"We admitted we were powerless over ____(alcohol)-that our lives had become unmanageable."
Today has been somewhat different. I decided when I woke up, at 7 am, that I would go easy on myself. I decided to just do what seemed to come. It was a lovely day, sun and somewhat cloudy, but just the right temperature-not too humid, not too cool. I read from my CTC reader and sat on the porch having breakfast. I tried to stay present, just watch things, my thoughts and emotions, as well as what arose in-terms of activity. I knew I had an appt. with my counselor at 2:30 pm, otherwise I decided to leave it open. I noticed that a part of me still needed to make a list and chart of what could happen at what time of day. So I made the list.
I watched as the list became before 2;230 pm and after 3:30 pm, then evening. As things fell into each category I noticed some had more "juice" than others. Maybe a better way to put it would be less resistance. I went forward with what beckoned. I made bread, washed the dishes, put new flea collars on the cats then decided to shake out all the rugs. That naturally led to changing the cat litter, sweeping and washing the kitchen floor. As that dried I decided to go out and rake the leaves behind the house. That done I came in a finished by sweeping the floors and putting all the rugs back. The whole time I did these things I just watched myself doing them.
What occurred was that time "slowed" down. I became content to just do what I was doing. I did not think of what was next, or how long the activity would take. I just thought, "it will be done when it is done, the I will see what needs doing next." I found that each activity took the time it did and I did not have a lot of internal chatter, thinking about what was worrying me, what I needed to still get done, how I was doing and if I would see my son soon. I found this time gave me a mental vacation that I had not had in a while. I felt refreshed after doing all these chores, things I was actually thinking about avoiding earlier, to do things I thought I wanted to do more, like reading books, emailing, writing the blog and what not. I did not miss any of that.
I went to my appointment and talked with my counselor about my recent severe self-abuse, that left me feeling so weak and tired, drained and disgusted. I also talked about my morning before coming to see her. I compared the set up to each situation and found that I was using the events of my son's diagnosis with mental illness, and his not being in contact with me, to open up a whole host of negative opinions, critiques and self-talk. I also saw that it went further back than that. I went back to every man in my life, past and present, whom I craved approval from, on one level or another. Starting with my father, my ex-husband, the father of my son, a man I had an unrequited love interest in, that I still had to see on a regular basis and my son. I has strong attachment to what all of these men thought of me, and my resulting consequent self-esteem.
I left the appointment and was thinking about errands I could do in a town about 25 mls. away, then realized that I would not make the main place I wanted to go, by 4:30 pm, when they closed. I decided to walk next door and see if the beauty parlor could take me as a walk-in, since I needed a Spring trim. The one attendant there said she had been quiet for more than and hour and welcomed me to sit down. I had a very nice time being pampered by her and walked out still feeling like I was getting things I needed to get done on my list. I decided to return home and do what came next. When I returned home I made and early dinner, put the bread away which had cooled and sat down to write this blog. Still, everything seemed to be flowing and I continued to watch.
Now, I am about to head out to my Al-Anon meeting in about 3o min and I want to reflect, briefly, on what I read in the CTC reader earlier today. It said, " Humility was a tough concept for me to comprehend. Taught from childhood to place the wants and needs of others always above my own, I equated humility with taking care of others and ignoring my own feelings and needs.....I begin to learn humility when I take the First Step. By admitting that I am powerless, I make room for the possibility that a Power greater than myself can do all those things that are beyond my reach. I other words I begin to learn what is, and is not, my responsibility. As this becomes clear I am better able to do my part, for myself and others, and better able to ask God to do the rest."
What this reading means to me today, is that there is a plan for my life and others. I could not have written this several months ago, when my son had just been released from jail, homeless, and in the coldest part of Winter. I felt the need to rescue him, even though he was not asking me too. I have been noticing that when I take care of what is mine, and only mine, things get done and I do not feel exhausted and spent from it. I could only do this because I am having faith, and trust, that the same is true for my son and others in my life.
I am not feeling compulsive to rescue right now, but I am still struggling with what my son's illness means in-terms of who I am, as a parent, a mother and if I am responsible for that. This is still a daily reflection, because I am not convinced that I am off-the-hook, or that there is a Higher Power out there, but I do feel less frantic when I am not trying to rescue the world. Maybe the world does not need to be rescued, or at least not by me, and I can concentrate on what I can do, which is take care of me. This taking care is not just in the form of keeping my home clean though, it is also in the much deeper way of not being my own worst enemy. I have been the harshest critique and have lambasted myself continually for my son's condition.
The CTC reader goes on with a daily reminder, saying, " part of learning humility is learning to contribute to my own well-being. Today I will do something loving for myself that I'd normally do for someone else. Since I haven't done anything but stay home and clean the house, I would say what I have contributed to myself today is to be a better friend. I have often listened to others tell me of their trouble and challenges and tried to be compassionate and kind. I have tried to really listen to them and help them not judge themselves too harshly. I have rarely done this for myself though. In fact, the exact opposite. I have spent hours internally yelling at myself, judging and criticising. I am seldom kind with myself, even when I drop something or am clumsy.
So, for the remainder of the day I will continue to try to watch myself, just watch, without judgement and have greater compassion and forgiveness for the very human person that I am. I will try to just watch if uncharitable thoughts about myself arise in relationship to anything about my son, and just say, "ah, there you are, at it again." I will try to continue to do some nice things for myself and be forgiving of myself if I do not feel the ability to speak in the meeting tonight. I will speak when, and if, I am ready. That is just the way it is, until it is different. Time to get ready!
Thanks for listening!
Keep coming back:)
Looking forward to: Al-Anon meeting tonight and watching a good movie this evening.
Challenges: Staying present with whatever comes-up, and just accept that that is where I am at.
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