Step 2 - Day 46

Mood: Worried. I like to worry, it seems. Whether about my son, if I am "getting anywhere in life", friends and family, my health, you name it. I am a worrier. Ugh.

Music: "Opening Spirit (The Tyranny of Tradition)" , by Live. I love this band. They are very aware, awake and clear. And they rock. I should see if they are playing in the area sometime. I would like to write songs like they do also. Yeah!

Garden: More flowers! Round two of the beautiful volunteer bulbs that were planted by the previous owner. My big, round flower bed is full of a huge number of purple Irises about to bloom, and the most delicate and gorgeous singular lavender & gold Iris also. What an unexpected gift to have all this at this new house!

Step 2-

" Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity."


I'm feeling needy today. I have been trying to understand what exactly that means, at this moment. I feel the need for a deeper sense of connection, of closeness, of intimacy. But is it with a person, or life in-general? And how do you know the difference? How do you know when it is the right kind of need or an unhealthy version? How much do you need to take care of your own needs, and how much can you ask of another? In the Twelve Steps, the message is consistently to "take care of yourself". But how does that differ from relating to others, helping others, wanting others company? How does that differ from feeling lonely and wanting company or companionship? And there are many difference kinds of companionship. Many different levels of intimacy. How do I know what is OK and not OK?

When I think of my son, and how he is doing, I think about whether he is feeling lonely, whether he is feeling needy, and what he feels is OK to ask, or not ask, of others of his family also. In my confusion I probably have made this more difficult for him. Hopefully, he will solve this problem for himself, sooner than I have, so he will not live with this sense of pain at not knowing how to relate to others, or let others close to him. But his experience is his concern, and mine is mine. So right now I am trying to understand my feelings, and what they mean, at this time. I feel for my son. I wonder what, or if, I should do anything for him. I do not want to harm him out of my ignorance, but am I doing the best that I can, as limited as that may be?

So what does this longing or sense of neediness feel like? I am feeling it right now in the pit of my stomach, like an ache. It feels like it is pulling on me. I have felt this before, and it usually has been a signal to me that I am experiencing an attachment of some kind. I can remember, in the past, acting out of a sense of wanting this pain to end, and acting in ways I regretted. It was usually in relationship to a person I felt needy for. A person I felt close to, who I was feeling separate from. This pain felt like a hole, an ache, that had to be filled, had to be relieved. I don't want to act from that motivation, or cling to others in an unhealthy way. So, do I just acknowledge the feeling, and wait for it to pass, or is there something more I should do about it?

I will try to describe it more now, to start. This is important to me. It is worthy of going into, in detail, because it has impacted so many of my relationships to other people. It represents the nature of intimacy, friendship, loneliness, connection and the boundaries between me and other people. It chronicles what I have been willing to do, or what I have refrained from doing, for these relationships, or because of them. So how does it feel? It is a very primal ache. It pulls from deep within my gut, and feels almost like a hunger. I have associated it with a sense of attachment to a person or a thing that held great meaning. I have also associated it with fear, and with the fear of loss or disappointment.

I remember a time, when I was growing up in a large city, and I was part of an outing club at my junior high. My science teacher would take a group of us hiking and camping for the weekend, out of the city. I loved being part of this group. My family were not the outdoor types, so having the opportunity to go on these trips was very important to me. One weekend, we were going to be going for a two-day trip, up into the mountains of the next state, and stay in hiking huts on the top of the mountain. I had been looking forward to this trip all month. I was also particularly fond of my teacher, which in hindsight, I could see was like a father figure to me. I accidentally overslept, and missed getting to the school on-time to join the group.

I went home very upset, crying with disappointment and rage. My stomach ached and I felt I was going to die. Adolescent hormones, I'm sure, were contributing but I really was despondent. My mother tried to comfort me, but I lay on my bed sobbing and feeling I had missed the best trip of my life. I remember that sense of hollow emptiness in my stomach, and the feeling that nothing would fill it but that one thing. I felt I had to have it and not having it really was the worst feeling in the world. I have felt this at times with my son too. I am sure it really is not a healthy way to deal with a sense of loss, but it is a real feeling. It is actually great to have the opportunity to look at this again today, to maybe get one step closer to understanding it better, and not being impacted so much by it in the future. Or that is the hope.

It really is not a pleasant feeling at all. It seems to fill the awareness, and leave the present moment feeling lacking. Maybe that is part of the problem, as well as the solution? There is a sense of being attached to something that is no longer there, a person that is now gone, or an event that is over. But the attachment to it lingers. The good feeling of that time wants to be continued, but it is associated with that person, thing, or event. Once it is gone, the present is seen as lacking or wanting of that feeling. But where did that feeling come from in the first place? It can only come from within. It is like you give yourself permission to be happy, if all the right conditions are met, and if they no longer seem to be the right ones, the feeling leaves or is not present.That is a serious attachment!

So, what is the solution? Is there one, actually? Is it possible to feel full, engaged, connected, every moment of every day? Or do we just allow ourselves to go through the highs and lows, ups and downs, and just chock it up to being human? Is this what insanity is? Does this constitute an insane state? Being of a healthy, sound mind and with good reason, that is what is understood to be sane. Is it insane to be living in the past, wanting the present moment which is not the past, to feel the same? Is it sane to attach ones happiness to another person, place or thing, and have the potential for that to be lost cause you so much pain? What is a healthy relationship to any of these then? How can you acknowledge your feelings, be present with them, but not attached to whether they continue or not?

The quote from the CTC today is, "Worry and fear can alter our perceptions until we lose all sense of reality, twisting neutral situations into nightmares. Because most worry focuses on the future, if we can learn to stay in the present, living one day or one moment at a time,we take positive steps toward warding off the effects of fear." That really is it in a nutshell. It is fear, and worry, that what felt so good will not happen again, and that the person, place or thing that you felt it with is responsible for that. You cannot depend on any one person, place or thing to always be there for you, always deliver the goods, always make you feel that same way you felt. Setting yourself up for that expectation only sets you up for disappointment. Everything changes and nothing stays the same. So what do we do with that?

The prescription is also given: "learn to stay in the present, one day or one moment at a time." Easier said than done. In reality, though, you are ever only in the present. Any thing else is just an illusion of the mind. It really is insanity to live in a place that doesn't exist. The past is past and the future is not here yet. There only is the present. So how can you experience the fullness of this moment? How can you be fully present in the present, and reap the potential of this moment? Well, first, you have to have no resistance to what this moment holds. To be present, you have to be willing to feel what you are feeling, on every level, and just be with that. It will change or you might find yourself changing it. But you have to be in it first. So how can Higher Power restore this sense of sanity to me now? Good question! I await the message that that question will bring.

Thanks for listening!

Keep coming back:)

***Note: I will no longer write about what I am looking forward to, or what I fear or feel challenged by happening in the future, because that only focuses me in a future time which does not even exist yet. And I want to be fully in the present. I will try to be more HERE NOW!