Mood: Anxious. I've spent some time with my son this weekend, after almost 6 months of not seeing him, and I am just worried all over again about him.
Music: " Shrink ", By Julian Dawson. A great song about depression by an English artist affiliated with the great Richard Thompson.
Garden: Green! All things growing and gorgeous.
Step 1-
" Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity "
So, I have been avoiding this blog for the last couple of weeks. Funny too, since some very important things have happened in this time. Also, funny too, since when I do write in it, I feel better. It helps me to ground, to clear my head and such. I have gotten a chance to spend some time with my son again. Once, when we drove to his last court appearance a little over a week ago. A few days after that, when we went to a spiritual teaching together. Then two nights ago, when I went to his ball game. All of this, after not seeing him for 6 months. It was very interesting to test myself, to see where I am at, and how I am handling being with him. I feel stronger. A lot has contributed to that, I think.
I've been getting deeper into the Al-Anon program, getting to know more Al-Anon folks, and finding help with that. I finished my NAMI Family-To-Family class and met a very special man, who came to present at our final class, a consumer who does presentations on his path to recovery. We are becoming friends, and he has met my son too. I am finding comfort in his perspective and compassion. I have been writing more, and trying to let myself go to places I normally avoid, to let my emotions out, and trust that I can handle it. All of this is good, since I am seeing, more and more, that I will only be as good for my son, as I can be for myself. I need to be well, so I can be well for him. And I have not been well.
So, where am I at today? What do I think of the 2nd Step? Am I ready for the 2nd Step even? I think I am. At least, to start looking at it. I think I can say, with a great deal of certainty, that I understand and agree with step 1. I am powerless over things, pretty much everything, and even though that has been hard to admit, I feel a loosening, a softening, a sense of relief growing. It has been SUCH a burden to carry this belief, thinking that I had that much power! So I feel a certain amount of gratefulness, gladness, to be relieved of that responsibility. Whew! It does not mean that I still don't feel scared, nervous, anxious and a whole bunch of other feelings. But at least I can begin to see what is my work and what is not. I think.
So, the 2nd Step: Let's look at that. "Came to believe..." Yesterday that struck me. Came to believe, not came to know, came to understand,etc. Why believe? I have to admit, I am not into blind obedience. I don't want a bunch more beliefs to be caught-up with. Been there, done that. So why "believe"? The definition of "Belief" is a conviction or trust in something before all the facts are available, or experience has proven it to be true. A "leap of faith", so to speak. So, to come to believe in something, does not imply that you have to have seen it working yet, or proven it yet to yourself. Just that you are willing to believe it enough to try, to open yourself to the "possibility", that it might be true. Heavy! Can I do that?
Can I "come to believe" anything? Well, in truth, I do it all the time. Anytime I reach out for assistance, help or support. Anytime I ask someone to do something for, or with, me I am suspending judgement. I am putting faith in, and trusting, that they will do what they say they will. Deliver the goods, follow through. We do it all the time. All the time we trust that things will go, "according to plan" So, would I hesitate to do this because there was a chance it wouldn't work out? No. And it sometimes doesn't. In fact, there will be times when it definitely doesn't. But does that stop me from moving forward? No. Does that stop me from putting faith and trust in others all the time? NO. Because many more times it does seem to work out. So should I hesitated now? Maybe not. What do I have to lose? Nothing. So I might as well try.....Also heavy.
Next question. "Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves...." So, again, I do think that there is a "Power" greater than myself. All I have to do is look around. There is so much wonder in the world beyond imagining. At least for my puny little mind. And yet, there it is! The shear magnitude of creation, it's diversity and beauty is staggering. How can you not fall down in awe? There is, most definitely, Power greater than ourselves. So, can I believe in that Power? Can I at least be willing to try this experiment? Give myself to this belief and allow it to prove, or disprove itself to me? I have nothing to lose, really, except my pain. So, I will allow myself to believe, for now, unless proven otherwise.
"Came to believe that a Power, greater than ourselves, could restore us to sanity" So, am I saying that I see that there is a Power grater than myself at work in the world? And, am I saying that I am willing to believe in this Power, for the time being? But, now, am I being asked to believe that this Power could restore me, and not only that, but restore me to sanity? How do I feel about that? What does it mean to restore something? The definition of restore is to bring back to one's original condition, to it's original state of health. So, did I have an original state? And if so, how did I lose it? How can it be restored? What is my original state too, if this is not it? Some really important questions. How do I answer them? How can I know these things to be true? I am being asked to believe, but how will I know when I know?
Anther question: What is sanity? I've asked this before. But is this step implying that an original state, one I may have known before, was sane? But what I am now is not? When was I like this before? How does my relationship to this "Power greater than myself", ensure that this state of sanity will be restored? I am not being asked to know this now. I am not being asked to understand this now. I am just being asked to "believe" that this is so. To believe, which means to hang out with it, try it, see what happens. To believe that this Power that I see and feel, can restore things, and can restore me. Not only that it can restore me, but it can restore me to sanity. This would imply that trying to believe one is this Power, or has this Power, is part of what has caused my "insanity". And by trusting in, and believing in this Power, a long lost sense of sanity will be restored. Interesting.
But how? How can, by believing in this Power, it have the ability to restore me, and restore me to sanity? Well, the step is not saying that I have to believe this now. It is saying that I can "come" to believe it. You cannot come to something, unless you have traveled to get to it. Unless you have had a journey. A quest. So does this mean I need to start this journey? How do I start this journey? How can I experience, and know, the restorative abilities of this Power? Specifically, the ability to restore sanity? So many questions. But, can questions help me on this journey? Is that how I will be restored? By questioning? My mind can spin in a million directions. I know this. I have seen it spin out of control too. I have seen it create terrifying versions of reality based on my fears.
Where am I at now? I am being asked to "come to believe", in this "Power" and in this Power's ability to "restore" me, and restore me to "sanity". It sounds good. It sounds desirable. If that is what will decrease this pain, fear, anxiety and worry I am dealing with, I am interested. So, how do I start? How do I come to believe? And how do I come to believe that this Power will restore me? And how do I come to believe that this Power will restore me to sanity? I guess I will "start" with asking this Power to do this. It can't hurt! "Higher Power, I ask you to restore me to sanity. I ask you to do whatever you can, and in what ever ways necessary, to bring me back to my original state of sanity, peace and serenity." It's a start. Thank you.
Thanks for listening!
Keep coming back :)
Looking forward to: Al-Anon meeting tonight.
Challenge: Not worrying about my son.
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