Step 1 - Day 19

Mood: I woke up very early and lay in bed, just listening to the birds. Then my mind started to wander and I really got myself in a funk about my son. So much for staying in the present.

Music: "St. Teresa", by Joan Osbourne. Sad song about street people. Not a cheery thought to inject into my day, with me still worrying about my son and all.

Garden: Chirpy. Lots and lots of birds coming in to check things out. My cats have their tails twitching, almost spastic, from this sudden movable feast. How would you feel if hundreds of pieces of chocolate with wings suddenly landed on your lawn?

Step 1-

"We admitted we were powerless over ___(alcohol)-that our lives had become unmanageable"

I woke up in a good mood but started to dwell on all the ways I feel I am less than lovable. I kept thinking about all the things that I wished were different with my life. At the top of the list was my son's condition and the state of our relationship as well. I found myself appealing to Higher Power to give me everything I really want, if it is the will of same. I had a LONG list I started to think how much I want and need to make me happy, or so it would seem. I know. I am good at this one. Too good. I flipped open the CTC reader. CTC is Courage To Change, for short. I will use this instead, from now on. Well, yet again, the reader nailed me. Nailed me hard.

It made me wonder if these entries are written to follow each other in some magical way. Like brain washing or mind control. Imagine, all Al-Anon folks reading the same ideas each morning. A giant mass meditation would be occurring, on the same topic. Imagine the psychic breakthroughs that can happen when so many people are dwelling on the same thoughts, at the same time, in terms of world healing. Interesting......So, here is what the CTC had to say today, " At a recent Al-Anon meeting we were asked to fill in the blank in this statement: "If only ____would happen, I would be happy". Obviously, happiness cannot be conditional, but 9/10ths of what we do is based on bargaining and deal-making. If_____, then _____. I need ____, then ______. All I need is ______, then _______. Even when you think you are just asking for one thing, albeit a large thing, it's still something.

I left this blog today, and now I am coming back to it, but I am not feeling inspired to write. I am going to give myself a break this time, and go to bed early, to read a book I have really wanted to read more of, I've just been too busy, or too tired. I will allow myself this, without guilt or shame. I have been working hard, trying to understand myself better, so a little fun with not be a cop out. I know this sounds like I am giving an explanation, or an excuse, but it is not. I am actually trying to just tell myself that it is OK to not go full tilt boogie, all the time, that a break, or some fun is also OK. OK, so now I am going to go have that fun I have been talking about for the entire paragraph!!

Thanks for listening!

Keep coming back*smile*

Looking forward to: another quiet evening at home tomorrow night.

Challenge: to be inside at work tomorrow, on another beautiful day!