Music: "Don't Rock My Boat", by Bob Marley. It's a love song, but it's also about respecting yourself, and not accepting less than you deserve from your relationships.
Garden: Windy. Sunny. Back on track for Spring. The grass is almost ready to be mowed for the first time this season. The hyacinths survived the recent insult of snow. It's almost time to put up the hammock.
Step 1-
"We admitted that we were powerless over ____(alcohol)-that our lives had become unmanageable"
I have been feeling uncomfortable about what I have been writing the last few days in this blog. I finally realized why. It wasn't until after my NAMI class last night, where we were discussing responsible communication styles, that I realized I have been using a lot of "You" statements. In class we learned more about "I" versus "You" statements. I have been introduced to this before, but I could stand to hear it as many times as I am willing. We also learned about reflective listening, which I have also heard of before. All of these styles of communication help to own your own feelings in what you are saying. It is supposed to prevent the "blame game", in which you tell others how they are responsible for your feelings. To tell them how they should live their lives. I cannot know that for anyone else.
I am unconscious about my communication more often then I care to admit. I think I am most unconscious when I feel threatened, judged or attacked. I use it as a defense, to not feel the shame that is already so close to the surface, most of the time. I don't need people to tell me I make mistakes. I find it hard to treat myself with gentleness and forgiveness. I am always surprised when people think I do something well. But I don't want to leave my self-esteem in other people's hands. I want to have the ability to hold myself with enough regard, that I don't loose my serenity when I am shown that I made an error. Even if the person doing the critiquing is not doing it in a kind way, it can still be hard for me to hear. When it particularly is, I react and get defensive.
So, when I write in this blog, I am going to try to stick with "I" statements, about how the 12 steps have worked for me and not get preachy, not make blanket statements about how it will work for "you". How "you" can look at things or how "you" will feel, if you do what I have done, is not in my control. I don't know any of that. I only know how it has worked for me. If it works for you that way, great. But, nothing I say to "You" about how "you" can do something will necessarily help you. If you hear something I have done for myself, and it works for you, great! Otherwise, as they say in Al-Anon, "take what you like, and leave the rest." As I write this it just feels better. It feels "right" so I should take that as a cue, in how I relate to others.
OK, so on to the next topic. In the Al-Anon "Courage To Change" daily reader today it said, " When I put my experiences into words, they seem more real and I am less likely to push them aside. As a result, I can often face problems when they are only slight irritations and deal with them before they grow and take over. Today I am not so interested in high drama; I'd rather have a real life." I feel that is why I am writing this blog. It helps to put what swims around in my head into words, to acknowledge the feelings, so I can deal with them and not ignore them. Last night I was missing my son, particularly when at the NAMI meeting. We were talking about more effective ways to communicate with our mentally ill relatives. My son does not live with my anymore, and he is choosing to not be in-contact with. So, it is hard to practice, when he is not here to talk with. I was jealous of the others for having that opportunity.
So what is a real life? How would that look for me? A real life would be one in which I am accepting of my situation. Accepting of who I love, and what their lives are like. I would not hide my feelings, but I would not be controlled by them. I would not try to control other peoples feelings as well, even if they make me uncomfortable. A real life would be one in which I am continuing to grow and challenge myself, and have the confidence that I can weather any storm. A real life would be one in which I see that I am a good person, in spite of my flaws, and that I am worthy of love any way. A real life would be in which I can give that same kind of acceptance and love to others, in spite of their flaws.
So how would a life look like for me without drama? A life without drama would be one in which I try to meet my responsibilities without letting them develop into crisis. A life without drama would be one in which I try to communicate with others openly and honestly, and not let things fester, so that conflicts or issues can hopefully be resolved. If not resolved, then at least agree to disagree, or to accept that sometimes things will not go the way I want them to. A life without drama would be one in which I try to treat people with respect and and kindness. That does not mean I have to like them, or what they do, but I can try to remember that no matter what, they are deserving of respect, as much I am. They also are worthy of kindness, even if they are not capable of it. Drama is high emotion that deflects resolution of conflict, rather than seeks to support it and bring it about.
So, how can I face my problems while they are still slight irritations and before they grow and take over? First, I would have to acknowledge what my problems are. What constitutes a real problem in my life right now? The greatest problem in my life right now is how to be the best mother to my son I can be. To me that means trying to find, and sustain, as much sanity as I possibly can. It means trying not to add to his burden, by my own clinging, and lack of trust in his Higher Power. It means taking care of my self, and my life, so I can be the greatest support that I can be, if the opportunity arises. It also means trying to understand, as best I can, what it is like to be him right now, so I can have healthy and reasonable expectations for him and for me.
So, can I say I was able to face this problem before it grew and took over? Well, in the not too distant past, that was not the case. I spent two years, while he was living with me, after dropping out of college, feeling scared all the time. I felt like he was out of control and I was out of control too. I tried to control him and was a complete wreck. I didn't understand that it was mental illness that we were dealing with, but it wouldn't have mattered. If I had had the tools of Al-Anon to use then, I could have been more sane and had more serenity, as we tried to sort out what was happening. I am hoping that this new path I am on will give me those tools, and show me those approaches, that will show me how to be a better person. This does not mean that my son will have changed. It will mean, hopefully, that I will have. Because, that's what I can control.
So, how is writing this blog helping me to see that my experiences are more real, and not push them aside? I feel like writing this blog each day is giving me a chance to reflect on the ideas of Al-Anon, but through the real lens of my real life. This has been helpful so far. I have been used to just dwelling in my head and never sharing what I am feeling and thinking, thinking that no one would want to hear it. Somehow, when others speak, it is meaningful. When I speak, I believe that no one wants to listen. So I mostly don't speak. In the past I have envied others for their confidence and belief in their value and worth. Now, I am going to keep believing in my worth and value, and that my experience has meaning too. I must be the first person to acknowledge this though. If I don't, no one else will. That is still hard, but I am working on it.
So, where does that leave me right now, tonight? It leaves me continuing to feel hope growing, that I can handle this. Handle my life. Handle my relationships, whether with my son, or others in-general. I feel I am getting a picture, that is growing in my head, of how a life lived with greater ease and self-acceptance could look like. I am getting an idea of how greater serenity feels like and how that feeling of ease helps in doing all the things in my life I am trying to do. I am getting a greater appreciation for what true community, built on deep trust and acceptance, can look and feel like. Through my contacts with people through Al-Anon, I am experiencing that more every day. I am starting to trust in a Higher Power that can bring this change to my life. And if I accept it, it will continue to grow. This all gives me a sense of faith and trust, as well as hope.
Thanks for listening!
Keep coming back:)
Looking forward to: A relaxing Saturday evening.
Challenges: Dealing with my missing of my son, and hoping he is happy and well.
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