Music: "Aline Vole", by Kali, a Martinique musician, in the tradition of Biguine (authentic, original spelling, BTW). Tragic and joyful, all at the same time.
Garden: Still damp. The trees are starting to really leaf out now, creating a warm, green nest for me, up on my hill. So nice to not have to look at my neighbors old trailer for the next six months.
Step 1-
"We admitted we were powerless over ____(alcohol)- that our lives had become unmanageable"
I awoke asking for Higher Power's help. I was still smarting, and feeling wounded, from yesterday's encounter with my co-worker. I realized at the heart of it was a deep-rooted sense of unworthiness. At my core, or close to my core, is a layer of shame and feelings of unworthiness that I truly am not lovable. At that level I believe that I am only my faults and weaknesses. I believe that I am unlovable because of these flaws. At my core I feel unworthy of love. I asked Higher Power to help me to know my beauty and worthiness of being loved. I asked to be shown that I could be loved, in-spite of my weaknesses and flaws. I asked to be shown that I was truly worthy of love. This strikes an unbelievably painful nerve. A fundamental feeling of unlovableness.
Why is this feeling of unlovableness there? Where did it come from? What empowers it? Why do I believe it? Why is there a me that believes it and where did she come from? How can there be a part of you that believes it, and a part that does not? Are there two of me? If so, then how can I be more like the other me, the one that knows she is loved? These questions seem almost unanswerable. But maybe not? We'll see. Is it the nature of reality to be these two Me's, or is there a rift that can be breached, a chasm that can be spanned? Can I be brought to a place of peace and plenty? These are great questions. Questions I want to know the answers to. But can I and how?
I picked-up the daily reader, "Courage To Change" today and was stunned to see the entry. "Self-esteem grows when I love and accept myself as I am. I block my self-esteem each time I base my self-worth on what I do or what others think of me.....I cannot be perfect. I cannot make others perfect. Yet I am worthy of love, respect and joy. Let me remind myself each day that I am a child of a perfect Higher Power." Wow! Bingo. Bulls eye. Straight to the heart. It was like a love bomb was being dropped on me this morning. Every day I am feeling this with the words I find in these books and teachings. How could they know me so well? How could they understand my pain and my fear so thoroughly? I feel exposed and yet set free. I feel understood and accepted for who I am. What a relief! What joy!
There is a freedom in knowing, and exposing, your deepest pain and weaknesses. You can begin to cradle yourself, for the wounded child that you are. For the journey you have made to this point, still willing to learn, grow and love. Knowing this I cannot be controlled by it. Knowing this I can ask for this wound to be healed. Knowing this, if nothing else, I can be made gentle and sensitive to others pain and suffering in this way. You cannot remain the same when you have hit your core, your ground zero of suffering. It gives you power. It gives you the power to see, to feel and to know others at a deep level too. It gives you the power, hopefully, to forgive yourself and others their faults and weaknesses. We are all children of a Higher Power. All worthy of the same respect and love, even with our flaws, because none of us is perfect. None of us.
I feel raw right now. My attention is being drawn back to the first step again. I am told that I am powerless over alcohol, or all things in general, because it is not my power, it is Higher Power's domain. But what does that mean? Do I really believe that it is Higher Power, and Higher Power alone, who is responsible for all this change? Logic would say, that if I believe that we are all created, then it is only the creator that can change the creation. But do I believe that I am "created", and if so, who created me? How can this creator change me, then, too? Why was I created and why am I changed, or needing to change, at some point. So many mysteries!
I do believe that I am a part of a inter-connected creation, that everything is related to everything else, and impacts it, by that fact. But have I really questioned who the creator of the creation is? And, have I questioned if this creator still has a hand in this creation as well? I can see creation is not a static thing, that it is changing and evolving, whether by death, or mutation, or both. But do I see myself, this one personal self, as part of that whole as well? Logic would say I should. But I often find that I forget, that this individual self is evolving and changing, as well. I can look to this lifetime to see that though. I can say that, aside from the growth of moving from childhood to adulthood, that there has also been change since then. There has been growth since too. That evolution of the mind, heart and consciousness continues as well.
I have seen individual self try to "change" itself as well, and fail. I have also seen change just "happen", almost without effort. But why? In Al-Anon, there is talk of personal will versus Higher Power's will. Some suffering, it is said, comes from trying to force one's own will on a situation, rather than surrendering to Higher Power's will. It is said that grace can come from this surrender. To move through life following this will, and acting as if it was one's own, rather than fighting and rebelling against it, can bring peace and serenity. So what is Higher Power's will fro me right now? Logic would say that I can look to what is already in my life. I can look around me and see where I am, who I am with, what I am doing as well as who I am doing it with. But does it stop there? I must also accept what is being offered to me, in those circumstances, and with those people, as well. I must try to practice gratitude for all that I have been given.
So where am I? I am in North America. I am in a certain state, county and town in that state. I am with the family, friends and community I am in. With all that that implies. I have the home, job, relationships and physical resources and abilities that I do. I have the qualities, temperament, habits, dysfunctions and quirks that I do. So, can I forgive, love and accept and have gratitude for all that? I have spent years, decades actually, trying to change all that. How ironic to be told now that it was not mine to change. But is that true? The serenity prayer states, " God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference." So, how is that different from saying it is Higher Power's will, not mine, that causes change? If I can't actually change anything, then how can I know the difference between what can I change and what I can't? A dilemma
Is there a difference between what I can change and what I cannot? If so, what can I change then? What can I not change? If I cannot change certain basic habits or tendencies on my own, then what can I change? Can I change how I feel and think about them? Is that in my power to change? In Al-Anon, I see an acknowledged, and growing, awareness towards accepting one's powerlessness. I am encouraged to change my mind and perspective in how, or what, I can control. Is that all I can change? How I look at, or feel, about what there is, or isn't, in my life or an other's? These are questions I must answer. But for now, I will try to practice acceptance of who I am, and what I am right now. I will try to love that, rather than live in shame of it. Easier said than done. But I will try...
So, where am I at right now? I am ready to start the day. I am ready to try to accept that I am a beautiful, if flawed, creation. I am willing to entertain the idea that it is not within my power to change that. I will try to reflect on what I can change, then, if that is the case. I will try to practice gentleness with myself, in all that I do, as well as with others. For everyone else is also in the same boat as I am, flawed and lovable too. I will try to think about my son today, in this light, and remember that it is not in my power to heal him, or "fix" his mental illness, or how, when or if he ever gets "there", from wherever "there" is. That's a big one! But, it will have to start with me. I guess.....
Thanks for listening!
Keep coming back* smile*
What to look forward to: Thinking of myself with more love and acceptance today.
Challenges: Thinking of myself with more love and acceptance today:)
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