Music: Taj Mahal, "Take A Giant Step" Perfect! Inspiration to rethink the tendency toward self-criticism and isolation....Unworthiness to being loved. Flaws and all. And there are many.
Garden: Shoots, bulbs and buds starting to burst forth everywhere in the yard. Green, green and more green! So vibrant. Feels like a rebirth on many levels. Also perfect.
Step 1:
" We admitted we were powerless over ____(alcohol)- that our lives had become unmanageable"
It's not just that our lives have become unmanageable. It's that we have to see it AND admit it.
It depends what your definition of unmanageable is too. For me it has been the non-stop worry about my son. The non-stop fear. The non-stop sense of responsibility, and failure to meet that responsibility, that I punish myself with.
But what is my responsibility to my son at this point? That is the question of the hour, day, week. He is a young adult right now. I have to recognize this also now. Even with a mental illness, he still has the desire to move forward, feel his own strength, his own life and the choices that go along with it. As painful as that is, he has told me, I have to find a way to let him go.
My fear is that he will be taken advantage of, harmed, not be able to protect or advocate for himself. That my beautiful son, my only child, will not be treated with love and kindness. That is every parents fear. That is also every parents impossible task. To accept that that is impossible for you control, ultimately. No matter how good a parent you are or were.
But he is homeless, essentially. He has no job. No car. No money. His case worker helped him get an EBT card. So I know he can get food. But other than that, no matter what his mindset, delusions or not, he will have to decide. And that is heart-wrenching. Searingly painful. We want to prepare our children for life, for all possible events and outcomes, or at least to the best of our ability. But how do you prepare someone for mental illness? Homelessness?
His using alcohol and drugs started in senior year of high school, which is not unusual. Before that he considered himself an athlete and, "straight edge". This term that came about in the early 80's when I was around his age. It was a sub-set of the punk rock scene. Straight edge meant you were clean and sober. That you did not want to alter or distort your perceptions. But it was more than that too. It was a challenge to stay present, to not tune out. Drop out. Deal with life.
I don't know why it changed for him, but senior year was very rough. He was constantly struggling with deadlines. Senior graduation projects, applying to colleges and senior social events. It was only later that we found out he might also be suffering from EFD, executive Function Disorder. This is where you struggle to bring your ideas to completion, struggle to manage time, plan and otherwise organize yourself. More than the average person.
But I have also heard that stress, sleeplessness and self-medicating can also contribute to the conditions that can cause your first mania or psychotic break. He got through graduation and then went off to college orientation in August. From there things went downhill pretty rapidly. We don't know exactly what happened, because he didn't tell us, but I wonder if he experienced his first cycle of depression and mania then. He stopped going to classes. Slept a lot or partied. He flunked out and came home after one semester.
As I write this now I have to remind myself that that is not my fault, my responsibility. But I felt it acutely. I wanted to rescue him. I am trying to look at that now though. Trying to understand why I feel so scared for him all the time. His time, once he returned to live with me, was a very scary ride. I had every reason to be worried, but I didn't know then, what I was needing to be worried about. Well, let's change that. Not worry be about. Be aware of. Be able to be present and supportive for. I'm working on this now. Wish me luck!
Thanks for listening!
Things to look forward to today: The NAMI class tonight. Getting support from my fellow groups members about my son's mental illness.
Challenges to face today: Continuing to accept that my son has a mental illness, and that there is nothing I can do about it.
Keep coming back * :) *
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