Music: The opera " Eugene Onegin", by Tchaikovsky. Russian opera at it's best.
Garden. Wet. Finally a Spring rain! I raked around the side and back of the house and cleaned up the beds where the Hyacinths are blooming. So many treasures offering themselves up for appreciation.
Step 1-
"We admitted we were powerless over ____ (alcohol)-that our lives had become unmanageable"
I was going to write about today's daily reader quote, which incidentally, is about "Take what you like, and leave the rest", a very helpful reminder that Al-Anon is not a cult. It is there to help, not indoctrinate. But I had a very stressful experience at work, that I feel I should write about instead. It involved a younger co-worker and I, who was working for me today. I found myself being so ugly and angry that I was genuinely embarrassed. I also found myself extremely defensive and shame-filled. So how does this relate to my son. Very well actually. I have had many fights with my son, and came away feeling the same way. So let me tell you all about it. It's great fuel for the Al-Anon fire. Let's break it down, and look at all the painful details, shall we?
I was sitting in the break room, trying to have lunch, while also keeping an eye on things, since it was just us two running things today. Suddenly, in a very confrontational tone, this young fellow, and friend by-the-way, said," I want to let you know that I was very upset that you told________(another fellow co-worker) about certain aspects of my personal life. You crossed the line, and I don't want you to do it again" Or something to that effect. Those weren't the exact words, unfortunately. My first reaction was surprise and shock. I did not know what he was referring to. I could not think of what I may have talked about, with this other person of such a personal nature, about him. I felt instantly attacked and defensive.
I said, "I'm not sure what you are talking about", "I don't remember talking to this person about you, and about personal things about you". He immediately said, "Yes you do. You know perfectly well what I am talking about. I don't need to tell you. I'm just going to leave it at that." Now I was really baffled, and also getting upset too, thinking I had done something so upsetting to him. I was unaware as to how I had hurt his feelings, or betrayed his trust in some way. I said, "I really don't know what you are talking about. Could you help me? Maybe I need to know what it was, and how it may have been personal to you, so I know what your line is, so I won't cross it". I was really searching here, not sure what we were talking about, and feeling very clueless.
Again, he stated, "You'll just have to think about it then. I'm not going to help you. It's was a fine line and you just should have known not to cross it, not to talk about it." I was starting to feel crazy, like I was stuck in a hall of mirrors. I was asking for a way out and being told, "no, you have to grope your way out, even though I know how to get you out, I'm not going to help you." It was feeling very punitive and absurd. I said, " Listen, I'm willing to make amends with you, to work it out, right here and right now, but you have to help me. I'm not interested in games. This feels like you are playing a game, trying to punish me. If I offended you I would like to know how, so I can make it right."
Again, he said, " You know perfectly well what I am talking about!" I said, "No, I don't. If I did, would I be asking you? Are you calling me a liar?" "No", he said, "But you will have to work it out. You will have to think about it. And don't do it again!." Now I was really feeling crazy. I stopped arguing with him, closed my eyes, and tried to regain my composure. I rubbed my temples. I tried to think about what he was talking about. I then said, "Listen, I really do want to know what this is about. I had no intention of offending you, if I did, but I would appreciate it if you could tell me what I said that hurt your feelings. I don't know when this other guy and I had a chance to talk about you, without you being here." He said, " It may have been on Friday, when I wasn't here. It may have just slipped out, but now you'll know not to do it again!"
By now I had really had enough of this going in circles, spending all this time talking about nothing, when we could be talking directly about what he thought I said, that offended him. I said, "Listen, this is getting ridiculous. We are gong around and around with this, when we could be dealing with it, right here, right now. I want to work this out with you, but you are playing games. This is childish. I am not interested in games." Anyway, suffice it to say, this went around and around a few more times, with me getting quite upset, him continuing to refuse to enlighten me, and with me feeling ashamed for doing something I am not even sure I did, or what exactly it was. I felt accused with no way to defend myself, no way to know how to prevent it from happening again, and no wiser about what happened.
We spent the rest of the day being civil with each other, and professional, but I felt on-edge and defensive. I still could not remember anything by the end of the day. He acted like he had corrected something wrong, but took no responsibility for how he did it. Now let me tell you why this was really so upsetting to me. I do have a history of "loose lips", and have been told by others that I stepped over a line, with their sense of privacy. I am not saying that this incident that I was being accused of did not happen. But, I was was surprised that it may have happened with this person, since I genuinely don't remember what I might have said that was so private, that caused offense. I have actually been very proud, lately, that I am much, much better at keeping confidences.
I felt doubly ashamed because I did not remember it, if I did it. I was also hugely frustrated that he would not just talk with me and help me understand. I felt he was punishing me, and said so. He at one point copped to it, briefly. He is someone who also has a very strong personality, is very opinionated, has talked about others with judgement and is a very proud person. I was also surprised to know that he may have confided in me something much more private than I thought it was, and I didn't know the level of confidence I was being given. I was embarrassed about this. I like this guy. He has been a good friend. I respect him. But, suddenly, here we were in this ugly confrontation. I didn't know if I was just being an ass and making it worse, or allowing myself to be attacked and played with, out of anger and hurt.
So, how does this relate to Al-Anon? I had just read a reading in the daily reader a day or two ago about the slogan, "Think." It said, " One of the effects of alcoholism is that most of us tend to react to everything we encounter, often perceiving minor incidents as major crises." And also, " When I am tempted to respond to angry accusations with accusations of my own, I stop and "think". I learn to "think" before I speak". There is shame built into my psyche, that comes from being shamed. The shame seems to go way back to early childhood. Was it being expected to act more mature and responsible than I was capable? Was it the perfectionism of trying to keep it together when everything was in chaos, and the shame and fear, when I couldn't?
Deep down I fear that I really am what I am being accused of. A careless, callous, selfish, mean-spirited and thoughtless person. I cannot feel shamed by another, and really impacted by it, if the shame was not already there to begin with. In the quote on "think" it also goes on to say, "Instead of automatically reacting to every provocation, request or demand that comes along, we can "think"before we act, making choices that are in our best interest." So how could I have done today differently? I could have taken more time to "think", and taken his issue with me under consideration, by not readily acting defensive about a perceived wrong. I could have accepted that what I may have done hurt him, even if I didn't know it, and apologized, even if I couldn't remember what it was I did. Maybe that would have been enough? I'll keep thinking about it...
Thanks for listening!
Keep coming back * smile*
What to look forward to: Writing group tomorrow evening.
Challenges: Seeing this co-worker tomorrow and trying to move forward with the situation, as it stands, with more grace and serenity.
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