Music: Loreena McKennitt, "The Visit". Relaxing. Makes me think about my garden and how much I love watching it grow, day by day. Also writing a really good period romance novel:)
Garden: Frosted. A cold snap last night turned the forecasted rain into a white icing on the garden. It melted off by later morning, but was still such a strange site in April.
Step 1:
" We admitted we were powerless over____(alcohol)- that our lives has become unmanageable"
It just struck me that this step is written in the plural, not singular tense. "We" , not "I". I think that is intentional, because the AA and Al-Anon programs were designed to be a shared experience. They were designed to bring the alcoholic, and the family members and relatives of alcoholics, out of the shadows. The model was to create a community of healing. Through this shared community endeavor, the stigma, the shame and the isolation would be ameliorated. Or so it is hoped. I believe this to be one of the most powerful techniques of the path and program.
It is not just admitting to yourself that your life has become unmanageable, it's that you admit it to your fellow AA/Al-Non members. Through this exposure and the acceptance and support you receive, you are released from the burden of carrying your load alone. I believe this is because one of the signatures of the disease is that you are alone in the world, that it is you against the world. That mindset causes you to feel isolated and fearful and to drink. That mindset that you are failing your life, failing at being able to control and handle it, also causes you to drink. But the truth is you never could. Because you are not, in reality, in control.
I want to explore the idea of powerlessness now. What does that mean to me right now? What is power? Power is the ability to make things happen. Power is will. Power effects change. Being powerless means having no power. But what does that mean for me? How can I have no power? As an example, when I get up I choose to eat breakfast or not. I choose what I am going to eat even if my appetite may not be mine to control. Appetite just seems to happen. I may choose not to eat, but eventually my hunger will be much greater, and if I don't eat other effects and outcomes might take place.
What about other choices? Do I choose who I love? Do I choose who I am and all my interests, skills and talents? Some people think that behavior is all chemical and genetic. Some think it is social and cultural. That all behaviors are learned. So why was I born into the family I was born into? Why was my family the race, class, social and educational as well as genetic event that it was? Why were my parents who they were and why did they make the choices they did? These questions could go on and on and on. You could drive yourself crazy with this, or spend your lifetime trying to understand yourself in this way. But how would it help you right now? To deal with life today?
It seems to me that there have been an amazing number of influences, events, genetic contributions as well as choices made, by an infinite number of people. Inside and outside my family, for generations, these choices have been made to bring me to this point, right here, right now. All of those events, choices, influences and genetic coding were definitely beyond my control, and yet they have influenced and impacted me tremendously. Can I say I am really "free" to choose anything in my life? It seems my life is a series of events that have been programmed generations ago to take place at this time. Interesting. So am I really "in control" of anything I do. If not, "who" is?
If I am not in control of my life, am I just wired to play out certain events and respond to the myriad events that are happening all around me? Are others also playing out their "wired" existences? When did it all start? How can I get to the bottom of this? How can I know what is mine, what is yours and what I am supposed to do with all this information? How am I supposed to make sense of my life? My head spins with the questions. I feel overwhelmed. I feel in over my head. It feels too big for just me. It feels as though I could not possibly know the answers to all those questions. Ever. Though I have asked them before and tried to answer them too.
We are part of a complex maze. A web of life. An intricate weaving made of the warp and woof of countless lives and countless generations. So who or what is the weaver? Many have asked and many will continue to ask this question. I guess that's why people resort to naming the totality of the phenomena of life God, the creator, Yahweh, Allah, etc.
The one thing I like about Al-Anon, so far, is that they leave a wide-open berth, in-terms of the naming, understanding and identifying this creative force/source for oneself. It is not a religion. The program is just asking you to recognize that you are part of something larger, and that web of interconnection is what is responsible for all that you see. To recognize that there is something bigger, and much more powerful, than you or I. More powerful than any one person.
Enough for now.
Thanks for listening:)
Things to look forward to: The retreat, in all it's social anxiety glory.
Challenges to face today: The same.
Keep coming back!
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