Step 1 - Day 11

Mood: Shaky. I've been finding all sorts of emotions getting stirred up, the deeper I go with the Al-Anon work, than I thought were there. That and the still ever present confusion over still trying to get a handle on my son's mental illness. What is reasonable to expect of a young person who is grappling with MI? What are they capable of? What are good boundaries? How much should I help or stay out of it?? Questions upon questions....

Music: " Ain't Gwine to Whistle Dixie Anymo' ", by Taj Mahal. A great rambling, joyful instrumental jam by some super soulful roots musicians. And just to hear Taj whistle too..

Garden: More bulbs shooting up. I'm really enjoying finding out where they all hibernated for the Winter. This new yard is continuing to be full of surprises. Colors just keep coming!

Step 1-

" We admitted that we were powerless over ____(alcohol) - that our lives had become unmanageable"

The "Courage To Change" reader for this morning was very appropriate to my expressed feelings of shakiness. It said, " When I came to Al-Anon I didn't feel....nothing moved me at all. It was like I was dead. My Al-Anon friends assured me that I did have feelings, but I had lost touch with them from years of living with alcoholism and denying every hint of anger, joy or sorrow." This rang so true. I know that many of my emails have expressed a lot of emotion, and it is not as though I am dead anymore, it is just that it takes me a REALLY long time to get to those feelings.

I have often felt, in the past, as though I were stronger than other people emotionally. I prided myself on my calm amidst other peoples fear and confusion. I spent years being in such denial emotionally, that only in times of extreme crisis did I manage to let down my own guard, and let some of my fear and pain break though. I was always the one others came to for comfort, but I was never able to ask for any. I was walled up, afraid for anyone to know how I felt, for fear that the dam would burst and drown me and everyone around me. It was such a lonely way to live.

I have also now come to realize that, just like the alcoholic whose emotional life is stunted by the use of alcohol to deal with trauma and stress, the co-dependant also loses emotionally. In trying to rescue, fix, keep together and otherwise control life around the alcoholic, they have to stifle and deny their own feelings. They have to stay strong when others are always in chaos. Theirs is the path of the super competent person. Always trying to do too much and do it too well. There is a constant fear of failure, because the weight of keeping it all together is on their shoulders alone. Keeping a good face and keeping it all together, are the constant mantra.

I would often look at others and think they were so weak. But then I often noticed that I didn't feel the good things too. When something good happened I was just glad it wasn't a crisis. I couldn't enjoy it though. It was like I was wired for chaos and stress only. I didn't know how to have fun. I didn't know how to enjoy myself. My life was passing me by and I couldn't remember the last time I just felt relaxed, joyful and at ease. Along with this was the fear that I would be found out. That others, who were obviously so much more together than I, would find out what a mess my life was and would not want to have anything to do with me.

Life can be very tough when you reject yourself first, and more harshly, than anyone else every would. When I think of how lonely I was, how afraid and overwhelmed I was, I want to cry now. I want to grieve for that little girl, that young mother, for me now. I want to let the tears flow and say, "It's OK now. You are OK.Things are not easy, but you will get though them and you are not alone now." I want to say these things to my son now, if he would let me, but I don't know if I will get the chance.

One of the hardest things about being a parent is realizing that you have no control over how your child will feel about you, about how you raised them, how their young lives went. Whether they will be mad for years at your mistakes and failings, or whether they will find the generosity to forgive you, is not in your control. Out of guilt you might try to make it up to them, right the wrongs, but you can't change the past. You can't go back and undo what was already done. The past really is the past. And your parents have had the same road to travel.....

I am powerless to change the past. I am powerless to take back what was done. I am powerless over how my son feels, about his past, about me and about himself. I am powerless to know the future. I am powerless about what my son will feel, think or do in the future as well. I cannot live in the past, in grief and guilt. I cannot live in the future in fear or dependence on what may or not come. I can only live in the moment, in the now. I can only live NOW, right now, in all that openness and uncertainty. I can also choose to enjoy the now, rather than succumb to disappointment and confusion though. If I can't know what will come, why waste my time fearing it? There is just as much a chance that it will be something good. So let it go.....

My life feels most unmanageable when, no matter what is happening, I am either caught up in rehashing the past, or dwelling on the potential future. When I do this I am missing what is happening right under my nose. I am missing all the texture, emotion, joy as well as learning and challenge that is occurring right NOW. I was always the kind of student that would try to skim ahead, read the next page before everyone else. It was like I was trying to anticipate the potential threat. I wanted to know what was around the corner so I could be prepared for it.

You cannot truly know what will come. You might be able to guess, but it would still be just a guess. Letting life unfold could mean that it ends up being so much more than you ever though it could be. There is just as much potential for it to go that way than any other. If pain and suffering do come, you will still have to deal with it. If they don't, you won't. Why add to the possible future stress by stressing about it in-advance? What a double-dipped pain in the ass that would be! That's what is has been for me and I'm tired of it!! I wanna have some fun, for a change:)

So, for today, I will try to just be present, in this moment, and nothing else. I will try to be open to all this this moment offers. I will try to live it fully, feel it fully and then let it go. I will try to trust that, no matter what it is, I can handle it. I will try to remain hopeful that, besides the pains and challenges of life, there can be pleasure and fun too. I will try to appreciate the pleasure that does arrive, and savor it fully, as though it might be my last. I do not know when my last day will be. I do not know if I will get this chance again to feel, so I will try to be grateful that it is here, and that I have this chance, right now, to live it.

Thanks for listening!

Keep coming back * whoot*

What to look forward to: A nice night at home, for a change, to relax and watch a movie and make some oatmeal cookies:)

Challenges: Continuing to learn about metal illness and take it one-day-at-a-time!