Music: "Black Betty", by Ram Jam. Slash guitars mixed with an old blues lyric. Classic:)
Garden: Crocuses are crocing, Bluebells are bluing and Daffodils are daffing. The world is good.
Step 1-
" We admitted we were powerless against_____(alcohol)- that our lives had become unmanageable".
It 's interesting how quickly you can become annoyed by a question. But maybe that's because I am about to get somewhere with it? What is annoying me is that I am having to try to answer this question when I haven't seen my son in almost five months. That in and of itself is annoying, frustrating, saddening, worry and grief-inducing, just for starters. I guess it's the nature of an attachment, that the bigger the attachment, the bigger the withdrawal when it is removed or taken away from you. I am not addicted to my son in my life, but I guess I would have to admit that I seem to be powerless against my fear and worry about him, at this point. It feels like a sickness itself.
But am I getting that right? What am I saying here? It's really that I am powerless to control him, his mind, his mental illness, his habits, his appetites. Anything that he does basically. But is it that I really want to control him ? I want to help him control himself, so he does not have to be in any pain or suffer. But is that even right? Maybe it is me that is afraid to suffer? I want to control what causes me to feel something that I don't want to feel. Can I really prevent him from experiencing pain? No. Can I prevent all or any of his suffering? No again. Arrh. Ouch! This hurts just to say this. I feel tears coming. I want to cry. It hurts so much to think of him in pain or suffering like this.
Am I over thinking this? Can you have bad experiences or challenges, or whatever you want to call it, and not be devastated by them? Can I feel my feelings but not be overwhelmed by them too? What am I getting at here? What am I trying to say? I am trying to say that I feel bad. I feel bad right now because my son has a mental illness. I feel sad at what kind of chaos it is causing in his life. I feel sad because he does not want me in his life right now. I feel sad because I feel powerless to help him. I feel sad because I am afraid for him. I feel sad because I am afraid he is scared. I feel sad because he may feel Scared and possibly alone and unloved. My stomach hurts thinking about all this.
Can I really help him? Can I really help him in the way he needs most right now? I could help him with food, clothing and shelter. But where would he be then? Would that help his mind? He would be safe and secure, but that would not guarantee that he would stay. Even if he was here tonight and I was doing everything right, being supportive, non-judgemental, kind, gentle and nurturing, he would still have to deal with his own mind. Anything could be going through his head about me or himself. He could decide to walk out the the middle of the night and I could not stop him. He could decide to lock himself in his room for a week and not eat, bathe or sleep. Then where would we be? I would still feel scared, guilty, responsible and worried.
When would I not feel worried or scared for him? When could I feel completely safe and secure about him? Even if he were in college, had a lot of friends, a nice girlfriend, he felt good about his life and where he was going with it, I could still find things to worry about. I could still find things to want for him. I could still keep seeing what could be more or better for him. Isn't it true that no matter what you have, you always want more? You see the next hill, and the next and the next? When are any of us ever REALLY satisfied? When could I say, "this is enough, this is fine, this is great"? I'm not sure I have EVER felt that way. Not ever. Wow! painful stuff!
So what would it look like if I could just accept this situation, as it is, right now? Could I admit I was powerless? Do I really know this to be true? When I say powerless, what do I mean? I mean that it is beyond my control. I mean that it is not my situation. It is the other persons. It means that I may hate what they are doing, or not doing, for themselves or in relationship to me. It may mean that I feel angry, hurt, rejected, unappreciated, misunderstood and taken for granted. It may mean I feel embarrassed, disappointed, frustrated and sad. It may mean that no matter what I do it doesn't make any difference, probably because it is not me that has to do the "doing". It may mean that no matter what I say, I am ignored.
So what do all these feelings and lack of control mean when it is someone you love, or someone you love very much who is also a relative, son, daughter or partner? It means that it can really affect you. Affect you very deeply and that you have to try to figure out a way to deal with those feelings. Even if you can't do anything about what the person you love does, or what it evokes for you, you have to find a way. I know this may sound obvious, but I am finding it not so obvious, at times. It is easier said than done. When a person you love is sick, harming themselves, and you can literally do nothing about it, it HURTS!. Try it. Well, I'm assuming if you are here, you already know what I am talking about...Don't you.
So what can you do for yourself if that is the only person you do have any control over? Well, first and foremost, you have to admit that you are powerless. You have to admit it. I am not sure I am there yet. This idea is being posed and I am not sure I can admit it yet. That is the idea though. If I admit I am powerless, then to a certain extent, I have to admit that I am giving up. But what am I giving up? I feel I am giving up hope at this point. That's how it feels. I am not being allowed to do anything for my son. He is not allowing it. But I still feel if I were smarter, cared more, knew how to influence people better, then I could still be doing SOMETHING. Anything other than writing this blog, which probably no one is reading. I am not sure I am ready yet to admit it. I will not lie, though it is what is being asked of me.
Powerlessness is a very unpopular idea and trait. In this country, to admit you are powerlessness is like admitting that you have no will, no drive, no determination. That you don't care. These are almost cardinal sins in a capitalist and industrialized country like ours. This country was built on entrepreneurs, on people with strength and courage. I feel like admitting that if I am powerless it means that I am admitting that I am afraid and weak. That I will not fight for who and what I love. I know I am being asked to look at this another way, but it is what is coming up for me. But what would I be fighting for? Fighting for things to be the way I want them to be? To not be in pain? To not have to suffer?
I know, what I am writing about looks ridiculous as I write it. But this is good. It is better then it running through my head where I have no way to really look at it. To see it from a different angle. Writing this blog is like talking to a very patient, calm friend who is a great listener. How often do you really get that? I can say anything here, and I know I will not be criticized, punished, I will not be rejected. Well, maybe by those reading the blog, but not by the blog itself. Well, maybe not by the readers too:) This is very helpful, to keep writing about this, keep seeing what comes out of my mind, what feelings emerge, and just be with them. I have to keep trying, at least.
Enough for now.
Thanks for listening!
Keep coming back * sigh*
What I have to look forward to: My car being fixed and save to drive tomorrow!
Challenges to deal with: Keeping the business from exploding while the manager is away:)
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