Music: The Jazz styling of Casa Estrella Africans.......
Garden: In darkness, since it is evening, but the house plants in the kitchen are doing great, especially the Wandering Jew. I've always wondered if that is it's real name, and if so, does it offend anyone?
Step 1:
"We admitted we were powerless over ____(alcohol)-that our lives had become unmanageable"
I saw my son yesterday! I didn't write about it because it was after I had posted yesterdays blog. He got my message, that I left with a friend, that I had his cell phone and called me back. I hadn't talked with him in 5 months, since late November! He said he was going to come by my work to pick-up his phone. He showed up 5 min before I was going home. I was walking outside when I saw him show up. He came over and as he approached I started to cry. He came up and gave me a hug. I didn't initiate it! I was so surprised. He said, "It seemed like you could use one". This was so strange since the last time I saw him he was being arrested after assaulting me. The first time I have ever called the police on my son. One of the worst days of my life...
His hug was brief, and it was hard to tell if there was any real affection in it. It was strange, it felt almost like an actor hugging, rather than the real thing. But maybe I am just projecting? We talked a bit. I told him that I loved him. He did not return the sentiment. He asked me if I was OK. I said I was very happy to see him, that I was happy he was alive and seemed to be OK. I told him that I hoped he was doing OK. He looked OK. He looked healthy and was wearing clean and appropriate clothing No bathrobes and carrying shot guns. That's another story...Maybe I'll tell it another time. His haired was trimmed and he was smiling. He said, "I guess I needed some space". I think he was referring to being out of contact with me.
I was still emotional, saying that so much had happened, so many intense things. Intense things to him and for everyone else too. He looked around like maybe he was uncomfortable, or didn't want to talk about it. I said that everyone loved him so much, that we just wanted him to be happy and healthy. I asked how he was doing. He said, "OK." He said he was just stopping by to get his phone, and wasn't planning to stay long. I said his phone was inside the building, so we walked back towards the entrance and to my office. I handed him the phone, which the truck driver had mailed in a plain manila envelope, with no return address, wrapped in paper towels. I said I hope it made it in one piece, that it was still working. He said he was sure it was OK...
We walked back outside, where a friend was waiting in his car. This was a friend that he was staying with, one I do not like and he knows it. I think this guy is very dangerous and a bad influence, but I had to be thankful that at least he has a roof over his head and food to eat tonight. It feels terrible to have such low expectations for the quality of his life, but it is not my life, so all I can do is just love him, however I can, in whatever ways he will let me. I wish I knew how I could right now. He got in the car and drove off. I have not heard or seen him since. I don't know when I will next. I am not trying to contact him. I might send him another email tomorrow saying I love him and am thinking about him again. Maybe I should try to ask him if he wants to come over for dinner? Maybe that's pushing it too soon?...It's so hard to know what to do....
So, what is the lesson today? The daily reader says, " When something isn't working the way I think it should, I can think about the slogan, "Easy Does It" Instead of doubling my effort I can slow down and reassess the situation. The answer may be staring me in the face, but sometimes I have to let go of what I am doing before I can see it" I think the message is to not force a reunion, or time when he and I will spend time together, or have a chance to talk, and maybe heal our relationship. I have a tendency to rush into things, to try to hard, to not listen to how I am feeling. I may think I want something, or out of fear try to grasp it, but I just end up forcing things. I scare away people or opportunities I want, because of my anxiety and stressful energy.
I have to trust that there is a time and a place for everything, and allow myself to be carried along, rather than try to impose my will on something, thinking it is the right time, or the right thing. I need to trust in Higher Power more. Trust by relaxing and letting things be. This is very hard for me, but I am going to try, because I love my son and I love myself, and we have had so many hard times and things happen to us. I think we deserve to have some joy and peace too. What does that mean? I will try to share my feels with him as they arise naturally, not forced or out of fear, but when joy and love arise, I will make sure to share it with him.
I will try to give him space, but try to be of comfort and support if he asks, in good ways that show that I believe in and trust in his own Higher Power and ability to live his life with grace too. He wants me to trust in him. I will just have to keep trying, keep believing in the good in all things, not easy for me also. He is a young man and wants to learn the lessons of his life. I can't protect him from all pain and suffering, but I will try to show him that I care what happens to him and that I love him. My heart is soaring as I write and read this. It feels so right, but feels like growing pains for my heart, because I have been running on fear, anxiety and worry for many, many months.
Another quote from today's reader. "Easy Does It...Think about it when you are in a hurry to do something and everything seems to go wrong..." Isn't that the truth! I have forced so many things in my life, afraid I was going to miss something. I have believed that I had to struggle for everything in my life, that I could only achieve a goal if I sweat, strained and suffered. What would it be like if I could allow Higher Power to show me what I need, so me the way to go, allow myself to be led. Surrender to it's will? I need to trust that if my relationship with my son is to thrive then we need to have space and heal, but also to come to each other naturally, when the time is right. I will try to follow this suggestion from HP...I will try.
Okay, so what next? So much has happened these last few months. I have felt brought to the edge. I am tired, but I feel Spring coming with it's hopeful energy of new beginnings and new growth. I feel new life emerging from the old. I feel hope that if I prepare the soil, build a good foundation, plant the right seeds, in the right way, tend them gently, with the right amount of water and sun, then I will have a beautiful crop, a beautiful harvest when the time is right. I need to tend my relationship with my son like I would my garden. I need to take the time. Act with patience, wisdom and understanding, so that he knows that I love him and I will not hurt him. I know I can do this. I must try.
So, as this evening closes, I send my love, out on the night air to my son. I send my prayers, my hopes and my wishes for my son to know he is loved. To feel that love and to find it within himself. I wish him health. I wish him joy. I wish him comfort and safety. I hope even though he can't hear me sending these wishes to him, that he will feel them, feel the love I am sending, feel surrounded by it. I wish that he will sleep well tonight and have sweet, sweet dreams of joyful and peaceful things. That he will see himself surrounded by those that love him, and feel the comfort and joy in knowing that he has a place in this world. That people need and want them in their lives, and that his life has meaning. Good night my beautiful and brave son.... I love you.
Thanks for listening!
Keep coming back * smile*
What to look forward to: Hearing two beloved spiritual teachers tomorrow, who inspire my life.
Challenges: To continue to hold the thought of my son in my mind, with love and goodwill.
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