Music: " In the Pretty Clump Of Flowers, The Violet Grows", by The Orlando Consort. Lilting choral music with four voices singing, and interweaving the same melody, sharing notes with each other. A great example of the power of "community" Common unity.
Garden. Recovering. The snow is all gone. The daffodils and other flowers survived. Things are warming up again. It is supposed to be up to almost 70 degrees today! Global warming??
Step 1:
"We admitted we were powerless against___(alcohol)-that our lives had become unmanageable"
Last night's Al-Anon meeting was pretty intense for me. It was the first time I almost cried. I do not like to cry, in general, but particularly not in a group of strangers. Well, sort of strangers. New friends, I guess. I know it would have been OK to cry there, and completely understood, but I was just not ready to let down my guard like that-there. The topic was acceptance. I mentioned this previously, in the last blog.
What got to me though, was a woman who spoke about trying to accept that her parents, both drunks, did they best they could. She said it was hardest to accept the things that happened to her, bad things when she was little, because of their drinking. When they drank she felt they stopped protecting her, stopped being aware of what happened to her. She said she had to find a way to accept that they did do the best they could, with what they had, even though it was not enough. Whew! That struck a cord.
On the flip side, the quote from the Al-Anon reader today, came from the opposite direction, but with the same message. This is what it said, " I grew up with guilt and blame, amidst harsh criticism and constant fear. Even now, after years of Al-Anon recovery, when past mistakes come to mind I tend to react with guilt, exaggerating the significance of my errors and thinking very badly of myself". This is like a recipe for forgiveness, for oneself, and others.
If I have to accept that others did the best they could, then I also have to accept that I did the best I could as well. So, where does that leave you? It means that what happened, happened. Everyone was just being who they were, where they were at, and that the past cannot be changed. But, that does not mean with new awareness, that they cannot get better. But, also, it is not ours to change. It is Higher Powers will to change. And Higher Power's alone.
So, how do I live withing that understanding? If I look at the serenity prayer again, then I must acknowledge that there is plenty that I cannot change. Most of it, actually. I cannot change anyone else. I cannot, mostly, change myself. So what is left? I can change my attitude towards what is. I can accept myself, the way I am. I can accept others, the way they are. I can find joy in this acceptance. But can I, personally, really do that? Where am I at with all this?
Last night, when I felt like crying, I was feeling the full impact of the that little girl, that just wanted to be safe, wanted to know someone cared. I felt her fear. I felt the confusion that no one was there to help her. As an adult, I was seeing this and feeling it, in the context of the Al-Anon meeting. I was being asked to think of acceptance. Can I accept that my parents really did do the best they could? And most importantly, can I accept that I did the best I could with my son? Can anyone one of us say anything otherwise?
All, parents, irregardless of who or where they are, are always doing the best they can, at all times. That is a very hard pill to swallow. It does not explain all the things that happen in the world, to children, that are damaging and painful. Why would these things happen, if it is Higher Power's will, and no other's? Why would Higher Power will these things to be, these damaging and painful things? What good could possibly come out of all of these painful events in the world?
Some say that it is part of a much greater plan. That you or I will never know the answer to. All we can do is play our part, with grace and acceptance, of ourselves and others. Tall order. But necessary. You really have no other choice. It will happen with "you, or without "you", at least the "you" that "you" think "you" are! But what does that leave us left to do? What can we do in our lives to live as well as we can, with what we have, and where we find ourselves? We have acceptance. We have the possibility of serenity if we live with courage. Through this courage we gain wisdom. Notice though were these qualities originate. They originate with God, Higher Power.
In the serenity prayer we are reminded, " God (Higher Power), grant me the serenity to ACCEPT the things "I" cannot change.....(God), GRANT me the courage to change the things "I" can......And, the WISDOM to know the difference." Higher power grants all this. It is given, as a gift. Higher Power grants serenity. Higher Power grants the ability to accept things, as they are. Higher Power grants the ability to see that it is a power greater than ourselves, than "I" that can do this. Higher Power also grants the courage to change the things that the "I" can change. This is in opposition to the things that "I" cannot, such as others. And finally, Higher Power grants the wisdom, the awareness and understanding, to know that there is a difference between "I" and it..
So, guilt and blame can be laid by the side. We may feel pain and hurt with what happens, but we must accept that what is happening is Higher Power's will. We must also accept that if we are meant to we will have the courage, have the wisdom and gain the serenity from that too. We can relax, and rest in what is happening. Be at peace that there is a plan, and allow ourselves to be part of life, without shame, and be in the world knowing that we are just as important a part of it as anyone else is. We will keep growing. We will keep changing. We will keep doing our part, and so will everyone else. Such as it is, and such as it should be.
Thanks for listening!
Keep coming back * smile*
Things to look forward to: Another day of life.
Challenges: All that another day of life implies:)
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