Music: " In a Baroque Garden", by Jeremiah Clark-trumpet played by Wynton Marsalis. Stately court music with brass and strings. Sunday brunch music. Restorative music.
Garden: Grass and moss seem to be coming in more. I might need to reseed where my plow guy bit into the lawn. Spring still slowly coming. Maybe it's because I am watching so much, that the changes seem to be slower? Patience. Pay attention to more detail then.
Step 1-
"We admitted we were powerless over ___(alcohol) - that our lives had become unmanageable"
Doing this blog daily makes me feel somewhat like I am being "in my head" too much. I'm afraid I need to pay attention more to what's going on around me. Or reach out more. Not keep it to myself so much. I still have the predominate tendency to try to "do it all myself". Either from having to only depend on myself, or out of fear of who I could trust. Makes for a lonely life. Having new Al-Anon friends though, means that I have people in my life I can confide in, who won't judge. They have been there. How could they, really? That's empowering. I don't feel so ashamed, such a failure. But I am told I need to reach out, make that connection, open up.
Today's reader entry states," Many of us have discovered that the telephone can be a lifeline between meetings. At first we may be reluctant to call someone we barely know, but most members are grateful to receive such calls because both parties benefit." I get a bit scared when I read this because it implies that sometimes you need a lifeline. To me a lifeline is used in a time of crisis. Crisis means something very difficult and overwhelming might be happening. Having something that intense happening means your life is in chaos, out of control. I guess I want my life to be more than just living from one crisis to another. But can I control that? Or do I have to adopt a different attitude towards what might be viewed as a "crisis"?
Making a call, in a time of crisis, means that I have to trust that there are others who will listen, no matter what. That is an overwhelming prospect, because that means I also have to be vulnerable to another person, at a time when I want to shut down. That is my usual tactic anyway. Keep it to myself. Bear it alone. I have know many lonely nights like that. Maybe I don't have to anymore? The thought, too, that I could call someone in Al-Anon means that I would have a sympathetic listener who would also have the program behind them, us, to lean on. They would have the wisdom of the entire group, the Al-Anon family, to help us both understand what might be happening. To understand it and cope with it, hopefully, with greater serenity and sanity. This sounds good.
But could I call someone in the meeting when I was really in a crisis? Can I trust that they would really be willing to listen? It would be embarrassing. I would feel like an imposition. It would be one thing to just talk about day-to-day things, to learn more about the program. But what if it really was a crisis? What if I felt like I was losing my mind? Could I impose that on another innocent bystander to my life? I am being told that it would benefit both of us. But how? I would be benefited by not being alone. I would benefit from having a calm person to talk to, not in a crisis. I would have the benefit of their reason and wisdom, when I may be unable to think clearly for myself, or be acting out of fear, anger, hurt or all the above. But how would it benefit them?
If I called a relative stranger, at 3 am, to talk because I was feeling I was in a crisis, what would I say? I would say, "I feel like I am in a crisis. I feel like I am losing my mind. I feel like I want to lash out in hurt, anger and fear. Should I? " Obviously, I would be told not to hurt anyone. But maybe I would also be told not to let myself be hurt either? Maybe I would be told that I deserve better. Maybe I would be told that I can handle this, that I have a Higher Power to lean on. Maybe I would be asked to think about how I could get to that place of serenity and calm, so I could reason out what I needed to do. That I am not alone. That I have a friend. Support. Comfort. But would I really do that to another person, like that? Hopefully not.
So how could that benefit them actually? I haven't answered that question yet. I guess, first and foremost, they would know that if they ever called, they would be received. They would not be alone either. Just knowing that could make all the difference to them someday too. They would also know that they and I are human, still working our plan, still trying to act in a loving way that benefits the greatest number, for the greatest good. That appeals to me. They would know that they could be calm and rational, during a crisis, that it was possible. They would know that the wisdom to be drawn on was theirs and also mine. That we were all able to do this in a crisis. They would know that if they were in a crisis too, that the calm and rational thought they offered to me, was available to them, if they looked within. They would know that serenity is real, and that the program works. What a great reassurance for them too!
So many times I have felt shame and embarrassment over my life. I felt that my life was so much worse than others. I thought that if anyone else knew what it was really like, that no one would want to be my friend. I have been very wrong. The more I dig into this, the more I am finding that everyone, EVERYONE, is dealing with something. No one is spared growth. No one is spared challenge. No one is spared life. If you are alive, they you must grow. If you must grow, then you will be challenged. No exceptions. The trick, I guess, to to find a way to ride this wave, follow the journey, with grace and willingness, rather than fear and resistance. Change will come, but will you come too, or will you go kicking and screaming?
Growth involves pain. Or it can be viewed differently. It could be viewed as stretching. It could be viewed as being polished. A refining of the spirit. An elevating of perspective. But why do we have to grow? Why can't things just stay the same? That is a mystery, I think. I don't think it is possible to answer that question. I've tried. All I know is that we are all interconnected, so as one discards, another picks-up. Nothing is wasted. The "system" is closed. Recycling is the way of the universe. Another way of saying it is, everything is precious. Everything, and everybody, is a gift. Everything is here to assist in this evolution, this growth. Everything, is helping everything else, all the time. It is a perfect system, actually. The whole universe is doing it! No exceptions.
I used to try to understand where my place was in the world. What my "job" was. I used to want to know my purpose. I thought it was something, "out there", far away from "here". I could go running and chasing something "over there", and I have, but eventually I had to come back to "here". I have often felt that my life was somehow "lesser" than others. That it was an inferior life. I had an idea what my life should look like, and it was "my" idea. What was happening was not OK with me, because it often didn't fit what "my" idea of what my life should be. I couldn't just accept what was happening, and work with that. I had to impose "my" will. Get "my" way. You don't ever "get it your way". Not ever. You just think that if your will and Higher Power's will matches, somehow you won. You didn't. You won't. Not ever. Let it go.
But how do I know this? I'm not entirely sure I do. But, as I write this, it is flowing out of me, and it "makes sense". There is a feeling and a knowing, when something is true. You are sort of relieved by it. It settles something in your mind, that maybe you didn't know needed settling. There is a comfort involved. People in Al-Anon talk about the comfort and east they felt when they did finally come to the realization that they were not "in control". Not in control of not only the alcoholic, but also their lives. That it was all part of a plan, much bigger than them, in which they were a vital part, but only a part. Knowing this allowed them to relax and just "let go, and let God". I am still working on this, but I would certainly like to know the comfort and serenity that that kind of trust would bring. I would love to relax more. Wouldn't we all? Time to make some phone calls....
Thanks for listening!
Keep coming back *smile*
What to look forward to: Making "that call". Seeing my beloved teachers tonight.
Challenges: Trusting in my, and my son's, Higher Power more.
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