Music: "Revival", the Allman Brothers. Does this mean a spiritual revival? Or reviving the senses? Lots of tambourine, like a gospel tent meeting:) "People can you feel it, love is everywhere." Nice.
Garden: Damp. I love smelling all the earthy smells, that the rain brings out. It reminds me of the first few times I left the city, where I grew up, to camp in the woods. It was a spiritual awakening for me. The cats seemed to like it too. We enjoyed our breakfast, all senses alive, with the earth.
Step 1-
"We admitted we were powerless over ___(alcohol)-that our lives had become unmanageable"
When I was at the new Al-Anon meeting last night a man came up to me to welcome me to the meeting. It was after the meeting was over, and he wanted to reassure me that no matter what my experience, nothing I could say would scare him. He had "seen it all". So he hoped I felt comfortable at the meeting. I thanked him for his acceptance of me and my situation.
Then started talking about "our illness" as he put it. The illness of worry and taking responsibility for others. He had talked at the meeting about one of his first Al-Anon meetings and encountering the idea that others addictions were not "something he caused, something he could control, or something he could cure" I said I was trying to understand that, but not sure I agreed with it yet.
He said that the addict has to find their own way to sobriety. Nothing we can do will help that. If they want to drink, or do drugs, get out of their way. Even if they want to drink or drug themselves to death. I said I couldn't handle hearing that, right now, in relationship to my son. I said It scared me too much, and hurt too much, to think about. He said understood, but did not change his stance. He encouraged me to "keep coming back" to the meetings, that is.
Ironically, or not so ironically, when I opened my CTC reader this morning, what should I read? It said, "Detachment. At first it may sound cold and rejecting, not loving at all. But I have come to believe that detachment is actually a wonderful gift: I am allowing my loved ones the privilege and opportunity of being themselves. I do not wish to interfere with anyone's opportunities to discover the joy and self-confidence that can accompany personal achievements. If I am constantly intervening to protect them from painful experiences, I also do them a great disservice. "
I have wanted to protect my son from painful experiences, especially, if having a mental illness means he is at an increased chance of stigma and discrimination. Things are still not great for mentally ill people. Systems are not enlightened. I can be thankful that because of his arrest, he ended up in one of the best jurisdictions in our area. They have a mental health court, which is more enlightened than some, where they will try to treat the illness, the cause, not just the arrests, which are the result. I still hope they will treat him with compassion and respect also.
This is not where I ever thought we would be though. I never in my wildest dreams imagined that he would be at his age, mentally ill, in the judicial system and with almost no resources. It is taking every ounce of faith I have to believe that he will somehow get some support and healing from all this. It still makes me cry at night and makes me worry in the morning. I am still trying to find some serenity with this as well. It is my daily meditation at this point.
The extra spin I seem to add to it all though, is that I am responsible for all of it. That is what I am torturing myself with. I abuse myself mentally with the idea, too, that I am the only one that can help him. Rescue him and maybe "cure" him. Hearing that gentleman say last night what he said, made me remember that I had heard the saying he mentioned before. "I did not cause it, I cannot control it and I cannot cure it" How do these Al-Anon folks know my number so well? How did I get so sick too?
I feel as though, since my son was born, I have been dealing with trauma and difficulty. He was born prematurely, with a stillborn twin. He was somewhat jaundiced and was found to have apnea shortly after. He ended-up on a respiration monitor for the first 6 months of his life. Scary months. Terrifying months. How did that wire us both for all this later? I have always been feeling like I have been rescuing him. His father turned-out to not be that great a dad, not as involved and attentive as I had hoped, so I always felt it was up to me to look out for him.
It is very hard to relinquish that role, when it seems like I have been doing it all his life. Now, when he is at his most vulnerable and needy, I am being told by his caseworker and by him, to stay out of it. Let him have some space. I want to trust and believe that he will be OK, that he will land on his feet, but why does he always choose the hardest road? I worry that he feels he has to do it alone, and that he shouldn't ask for help. Not been a burden or a bother? When is it OK to help him them?
I am just going to have to turn it over to Higher Power, because I obviously don't know what to do. I still feel guilt at having anything good happen in my life, when I am not sure if he is OK. Today's reminder is, "Sometimes it is more loving to allow someone else to experience the natural consequences of their own actions , even when it is painful for both of us. In the long run both of us will benefit. Today I will put love first in my life." OK, Higher Power. I am ready for you to remove the pain and worry I am feeling about my son, and give me the ability to trust in you, for both our sakes.
Thanks for listening!
Keep coming back:)
Looking forward to: Relaxing at home and trying to feel some joy.
Challenges: Trusting more in Higher Power.
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