Step 2 - Day 48

Mood: Restless. I'm working when I wish I weren't. My son has a ball game this afternoon that I wish I could be at. Always wishing for something else.....

Music: "I've Been Everywhere, Man", by Johnny Cash. The exact opposite of how I feel. I am feeling trapped in a rut right now. Going nowhere. Stuck. Attachment looms.

Garden: Neglected. Need to get to it. This Wednesday, my day off, I will getting going on all that.

Step 2-

"Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity"

If insanity feels like you want to be anywhere else than right here, right now, than I am a raging lunatic! Why do I resist my life so much, at times? What am I looking for, and where exactly do I think I am going to find it? I've been "seeking" for 25 years, but I still seem to keep thinking there is something that will save me, release me, bring me to a better place other than here. Why is that? What is wrong with right here? What is wrong with right now? I could say I want to be younger, thinner, more educated, more affluent, more successful and more popular. But to a certain extent that would be a lie. More than anything I want to be free of pain. To be at peace with my life. But is that right? Why have I never been really comfortable within my own skin?

In the CTC today it says, "Legends have often told of spiritual journeys in which the hero must face great challenges before gaining the treasure at the journey's end. As the heroes of our own stories, we in Al-Anon have also embarked upon a spiritual journey-one of self-discovery....we are guided on this journey by a Power greater than ourselves, but the steps we take must be our own. Only by facing the darkness can we receive the treasure-the light and joy of emerging released from all that has held us back." So what is holding me back, and how do I release myself from it? How do I find peace, withing myself, within my life and in the world? It's all I've ever really wanted. I know enough to know that material things are not what will give it to me. But my mind betrays me so often, no matter how many times I go over and over, the same ideas and concepts and teachings. What is the key to making it stick?

I am told in Al-Anon it is not my will, but the will of Higher Power, that brings all things to my life. I find my discomfort in my life comes, at times, from wanting it to be other than what it is. If everything I have is due to the grace of Higher Power, than why do I not accept what is? Why am I not at peace with that? What do I want or desire, that I don't have? What do I think that will make me truly happy, that I do not already possess? I actually get tired of saying this, because it is a feeling and sentiment, that seems to never go away. Like a broken record. It doesn't seem to change. What is this feeling comprised of? What makes it tick? It is a sense of frustration, of boredom, of restlessness. It is a sense of lack of fulfillment. It is a sense that I have somehow failed at my life. Failed to "make something of myself". That I have not lived "up to my potential".But what is a successful life?

Thanks for listening!

Keep coming back:)