Mood: Chipper. Feeling good today. Life feels OK, even with everything happening with my son. Just trying to say life is still worth living, and living well. Friends help!
Music: "Right Hand Man", Joan Osbourne. I love this folk/rocker chick! She's my kinda grrrl.
Garden: Weeds! Gotta get pullin' them weeds, man. Theyz are gettin' a bit outta control. Get ready for the pullin' fest this weekend, you weeds, you!
Step 2-
"Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity"
Skipped another couple of days writing this blog. I seem to keep doing this after I go to court with my son. This time, though, I didn't go to court with him, I went to see him. He did not look well. I was not able to say to see him go up before the judge. Court got started late, and I could not get off from work, so I had to leave. That felt really strange. He is a young man now though. I am not sure how much he wants or needs me to be there. I still haven't heard back from him on how things went. I know they did not send him back to jail, yet, even though he is not taking the medication they want him to take. I am just wondering these days what he is thinking about himself, and what he thinks is going on, within his head, at this time.
From the CTC today, "I heard it said that the only valid comparisons are between myself as I am and myself as I used to be. When I think of Step Two and being restored to sanity, such a comparison comes to mind." It's hard to think back at what I used to be like. I have some shadowy recollections, but those are based on the I that I was at the time, and how I observed myself to be, then. How would I see myself now, from this vantage point? I remember what I wish not to repeat, but it is much harder to remember what makes me unique, special even.
That will come in Step 4, I am told, which I am looking forward to. My tendency is to focus on what is not right, needs to be fixed, are my weaknesses. I have felt drowned in the heavy, heavy and suffocating atmosphere of a sense of failure as a human being, that that mindset has brought. I look forward to loosening that hold on my sense of shame and inadequacy. There is only so much self-hatred you can stomach in one lifetime, before it make you sick to your stomach. Being aware of weaknesses is important, but a healthy sense of self-love is what is on my agenda these days as well. Finally!
I've also been noticing, lately, that you can only be loved as much as you are willing to be loved.That is something I can definitely compare myself to my past self,from more recently. I have mostly found it extremely hard to take compliments, because I compare myself to some unseen standard, that no one but me knows. Most people complimenting me on something, base it on a comparison to what they could, or couldn't do themselves. But, I usually only accept a comparison if it is to an idol or hero. Of course, trying to be like a person who is considered the best at what they do is an impossibly steep goal. But I have usually never settled for less in my standards or goals for myself. The better to flagellate myself with.
Another daily reminder from the CTC, " Looking back I see many examples of a Power greater than myself at work in my life. I see progress in being restored to sanity, and I am increasingly confident that my progress will continue." To me, right now, being restored to sanity means being able to just allow myself to be, in all that that means. There is a life that is being lived. There are events that are happening in that life. There are emotions, relationships, experiences and growth. And this includes everything that is happening with my son.
The task, if you can say that there is one, is to just be present. Much in the Al-Anon program, for me, is about not living in either the past or the future. Because they do not really exist. I have been given feedback over the years that I "live in my head too much" But thoughts do occur, and for some, more than others. These thoughts have been what they have been, and they have changed, and those changes have changed this life. Thoughts do impact my life. They are the precursors to action. They premeditate it. My thoughts about what is happening to my son, in this short time are changing, particularly where I feel it is either my fault, or my responsibility to cure him. And the steps do say, " you didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it." Whew! Big one!
For me though, the question is not if there are thoughts, but what kind. On one level, all thought is just thought, and it is occurring, and it will continue to occur, change and progress the life to which they are occurring. On another level, as the acknowledged person that I am, that has a name, a personality and a set of circumstances to live through, the particular thoughts that are arising paint a picture, on the canvas of my life, that show what that life might look like. By working the Twelve steps, this particular person that I am, is progressing this particular life, along it's predetermined lines. This is good, for it truly is the will of Higher Power, or it would not be happening. So I accept, and go along for the ride...
I can compare myself, to where this life was before, and on one level it could be said to be progressing toward greater sanity, and that would be true and right. On another level, it would just be changing, with no judgement, because everything that is occurring, is occurring through Higher Power's will. And that will is beyond knowing in totality. It's scope is too vast for any one mind to conceive. It is the shared, and collective, experience of all lives and all wills. It's purpose is unknowable. But that is OK. I can see the will that is within my scope to observe and participate in. It is occurring right now, and everything I need to know can be found within this one moment. And that is good. Very good. Even when it doesn't feel good.
So, where do I go from here? I just go forward, doing what I am doing, feeling what I am feeling, thinking what I am thinking, and showing up for what ever is happening. If that includes experiencing what my son is going through, and how it is affecting me, that is OK. If it includes the Twelve Steps, than it will also. If the Twelve Steps bring sanity to this life, then they do, and that is good. If nothing changes, that is also OK too. But, it has been changing, and through that change, there has been a recognition that there is no will but Higher Power's will.It is starting to occur to me, also, what a relief that is. A huge weight off these tiny shoulders.
So, acceptance of that just allows that which already is, to be without conflict, complaint or concern. It will happen, nonetheless, but the ride can be pleasant, or it can be bumpy, by the recognition of how it all works. I think I am choosing acceptance and a smoother ride. That is the main difference right now. And it is allowing greater sanity to occur. This, I do believe, is happening because of the influence of the ideas and concepts of the Twelve Steps. I do not think I completely understand why they work yet. Maybe that will come in time. But for now, they are working, and that is good.
Thanks for listening!
Keep coming back:)
Looking forward to: More gardening!
Challenges: Not worrying about my son. Yes, still.
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