Step 3 - Day 76

Mood: suffering. I feel more confused than I ever have, at what will happen to my son, and what, if anything I should do about it.

Music: Nothing. My Ipod battery was too low:)

Garden: Planted. I finally got my veggie garden in, about a week 1/2 ago, and am tending it every morning now. Weed in the AM, water in the PM. I love my garden!

Step 3-

"Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood him."

I have been away from this blog for a couple of weeks, but not from the steps. I have been reading the CTC reader every morning, and trying to reflect on what comes up in it. I have also been making it to meetings, but not as many as in previous weeks. This is partly because of a new friendship I have made, with a man I really like, who has been in recovery for 20 years. We have spent a lot of time talking about many things, including the program, and it has been very helpful. But I know that is not a replacement for going to meetings.

This week, since Wednesday, and before, has been very hard because my son had a trail this week. The trial was to review his case, in light of the fact that his case worker had dropped him fro his alternative sentencing program, because of non-compliance. Mainly because of not taking the medication she wanted him to take. The main contention though, was that she did not supply him with counseling to come to terms with his diagnosis and the need for medication. I thought his lawyer did a very good job of representing his interests and defending him, in light of the less than ideal service he was receiving in the program.

It was very hard to see my son too. He called me up the day before and asked if I was going to the trail, and if so, could he get a ride with me. I said yes. He also asked if he could borrow $40.00 to pay the outstanding bail fee he had with the court. I really wrestled with that, because I did not want to see him spend time in jail just because he didn't have $40.00. When we were in court I actually did see a guy brought to jail for two days for the lack of $25. I think that is criminal. Barbaric.

I called a Al-Anon friend to discuss it though, because I was feeling on the edge about whether I was enabling him or not by giving him money I probably would never see. My relationship with my son is very strained these days because it is hard to find almost anything positive to hang my hat on. He told me when I saw him that he did not want a connection with me right now. He was still taking space. I was angry, and told him so, that he could ask for rides and money, but that otherwise he wanted me to stay out of his life. I told him I felt like I was being used.

It is so hard to know what is really going on with him, when I never see him, and when I do he basically keeps quiet or says he doesn't want a relationship. He seems to want to tackle the world alone, even with a mental illness. He seems so vulnerable and confused. I don't know if I should do anything for him, or with him, about that. But he wouldn't let me anyway. It is so confusing to know how to parent someone his age, going through what he is going through, and with the personality and mind-set that he has, even before he became ill. Oy!