Mood: Restless. I'm working when I wish I weren't. My son has a ball game this afternoon that I wish I could be at. Always wishing for something else.....
Music: "I've Been Everywhere, Man", by Johnny Cash. The exact opposite of how I feel. I am feeling trapped in a rut right now. Going nowhere. Stuck. Attachment looms.
Garden: Neglected. Need to get to it. This Wednesday, my day off, I will getting going on all that.
Step 2-
"Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity"
If insanity feels like you want to be anywhere else than right here, right now, than I am a raging lunatic! Why do I resist my life so much, at times? What am I looking for, and where exactly do I think I am going to find it? I've been "seeking" for 25 years, but I still seem to keep thinking there is something that will save me, release me, bring me to a better place other than here. Why is that? What is wrong with right here? What is wrong with right now? I could say I want to be younger, thinner, more educated, more affluent, more successful and more popular. But to a certain extent that would be a lie. More than anything I want to be free of pain. To be at peace with my life. But is that right? Why have I never been really comfortable within my own skin?
In the CTC today it says, "Legends have often told of spiritual journeys in which the hero must face great challenges before gaining the treasure at the journey's end. As the heroes of our own stories, we in Al-Anon have also embarked upon a spiritual journey-one of self-discovery....we are guided on this journey by a Power greater than ourselves, but the steps we take must be our own. Only by facing the darkness can we receive the treasure-the light and joy of emerging released from all that has held us back." So what is holding me back, and how do I release myself from it? How do I find peace, withing myself, within my life and in the world? It's all I've ever really wanted. I know enough to know that material things are not what will give it to me. But my mind betrays me so often, no matter how many times I go over and over, the same ideas and concepts and teachings. What is the key to making it stick?
I am told in Al-Anon it is not my will, but the will of Higher Power, that brings all things to my life. I find my discomfort in my life comes, at times, from wanting it to be other than what it is. If everything I have is due to the grace of Higher Power, than why do I not accept what is? Why am I not at peace with that? What do I want or desire, that I don't have? What do I think that will make me truly happy, that I do not already possess? I actually get tired of saying this, because it is a feeling and sentiment, that seems to never go away. Like a broken record. It doesn't seem to change. What is this feeling comprised of? What makes it tick? It is a sense of frustration, of boredom, of restlessness. It is a sense of lack of fulfillment. It is a sense that I have somehow failed at my life. Failed to "make something of myself". That I have not lived "up to my potential".But what is a successful life?
Thanks for listening!
Keep coming back:)
Monday, May 31, 2010
Sunday, May 30, 2010
Step 2 - Day 47
Mood: Rested. Mellow night at home yesterday. Rain kept me from doing yard work, so I roasted a whole chicken for dinner. Lazy morning, with cats sunning themselves on the deck, and me eating fruit and cottage cheese for breakfast with them. Just the way I like my Sundays....
Music: "Have A Talk With God", by Stevie Wonder. I can listen to this now, post intro to Al-Anon, because I know God for me is "one of my understanding". That works for me.
Garden: Still wet and weedy. I did get my compost bin set-up this morning though. It got it's first load of rotting veggies too. I love seeing everything used. Nothing going to waste. Nothing is a waste, everything has a purpose, people or banana peels!
Step 2-
"Came to understand that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity."
I want to talk about what Higher Power is to me, today. Since I mentioned that Higher Power in the Twelve Steps is a "God of my understanding", what exactly is that for me, at this time? For me God is creation itself, the force that is responsible for all creation, all that we see. But God is also the emptiness, or potential, from which all creation arises. God includes everything, seen and unseen. Nothing is left out of this. Nothing. Everything is an integral part of this web. Nothing is not originally from the same source, so everything is to be honored as from the same creator. Life is interdependent, and all-encompassing. So everything has purpose, meaning and is, ultimately, a creation of love. Everything from the one source is made from the same loving force.
So, when I think about a Power greater than myself, I am not thinking about some being or entity, I am thinking about the order of the universe. I am thinking about the web of life, and how I fit into it. I also believe this web of life is changing and evolving, like all living systems do. The definition of something that is no longer alive, dead, is that it has stopped adapting and changing to the environment. Stasis=death. And evolution is constant. Every encounter, every event, every person in my life has meaning. All that they encounter and learn from, is impacting me on a minute by minute, hour by hour basis. It is phenomenally complex, but also simple. Complex because of the uncountable number of influences and interactions that take place. Simple, because they are all taking place for one purpose-Love. They are all taking place so that there can be an ever increasing evolution of love, in all forms. Cool, huh?
But what do I mean by love? To me love is connection. Identification. Awareness of unity, of sameness, of belonging. I seek it, but I already am it. I already belong to a vast web of life. I am already playing a role in that life. I, by recognizing this, can act in a way that honors that interconnection and life. If I know I am "my brothers and sisters keeper", and I mean ALL my brothers and sisters;two-legged, 4-legged, and many more legged, than I know what will not only sustain my life, but also the life of "all my relations". I will try to live in a way that honors and ensures that. This is not just on a physical level, but emotional and mental levels as well. And how do I do this? By practicing harmlessness and kindness. To act as if everyone was part of my family, and treat then as such, even if they are the family member that rubs me the wrong way, most of the time. It is important to practice patience and tolerance too, so that I too will be given it, when it is my turn. And it will be, eventually!
So, how can my sense of Higher Power restore me to sanity? For me it has always been about relationship. And respect. Insanity for me is a disconnection from life. A sense of being out of it, out of this world, not part of life, alien to it. Fearful or destructive because of that sense of alienation and disconnection. Disconnection can come in many forms too. But it starts in the mind. With illusions and delusions, a moving away from being present. An escape into realms of the mind. This mental disconnection leads to feelings of emotional pain, and feelings of isolation, alienation and fear. I am, on one level, an animal, and when I the animal feel isolated, cornered or threatened, the fear causes all sorts of aberrant behavior. This can result in physical actions being taken, or further isolation, such as my retreating from society. That or others isolating me also, shunning or expelling me from the community out of their fear.
My earliest sense of connection came from my birth, and also my family, shortly after my birth. What happened during that time imprinted on me what I thought and felt about life, family and my connection to the community, and the greater web of life in which I belonged. I came into an educated and very young family. My parents were both college graduates, just out of school, but very immature and naive. They were poor, coming from poor families, the first in their family to go to college and very inexperienced about life. Other than school, they both really didn't know much. And to top it off, both of their families of origins had mental illness, sex abuse, alcoholism and poverty. We lived then, in a poor and rough neighborhood, where most of our neighbors were like their families had been, except black, Hispanic and Irish. I don't remember feeling safe except when I was very young and mostly cared for by a baby sitter, and indoors mostly. Once I started going outside to play, that's when the trouble really started.
To me, that time in my life represented when I lived amidst a collection of people that had very little sense of connection, of community or interdependence. Everyone was out for themselves. Even children. Largely neglected, we were easy targets for older children or adults. Street savvy is what kept you alive, helped you to know when you were in-danger, or how to deflect attacks or abuse from others. I had to learn this the hard way. Ironically enough, my family was there to help. My parents wanted to help people to advocate for themselves, as tenant union and community organizers. You can't organize a community though, until people feel and recognize, that they are a community. People just saw me as another kid to dominate or exploit, and I had my share of run-ins with bullies, abusers and thieves. My brother and I had our first tricycle stolen, the first day we had it, by a neighbor boy who wanted for his sister.
These experiences really imprinted on me, at a very young age. Though I had parents who were more aware and educated, it did not change the effect of that early emotional environment of fear and abuse. When we moved to another community a few years later, in another state, I felt shell shocked and leery of strangers. I was already on the defense, even before there was any need to be. It is sad that so many poor kids, probably the majority of kids in this country, have these kinds of experiences growing up. Poverty, addiction, abuse and neglect take a heavy toll on young hearts and minds. Add to that my own family, with it's history of mental illness, emotional dysfunction and sexual abuse, and I got a heavy schooling in how to disappear as a person. I may have been there physically, but inside I was crushed. I remember not really knowing how I thought or felt about much of anything.
I have seen this change over the years, as I confronted things in my life. As crisis precipitated, from the result of my distorted thinking and ability to relate to others, I had to re-think everything from the ground up. Sometimes it has seemed painstakingly slow. But there has been progress. The way the Twelve Steps is contributing to that now, has been in how I see myself in relationship to others. I began to understand and have a sense of interconnection in the past, but saw it more from an environmental and planetary level. In Al-Anon I am taking it right down to the human and personal. I am being re-schooled in a sense of independent-interconnectedness. In the past, I thought it was my will that was responsible this. I believed if I was good enough, tried to do everything right, I would find my way to heaven or nirvana. With the steps I am getting a first-hand look at the effects, on a relationship level, of this very basic sense of connection to a larger whole. A power greater than myself. It really does make us crazy to think we are in control of everything.
Another effect of my past experience is the lack of a sense of gentleness, compassion and warmth. In the CTC this morning Today's Reminder read, "If I am being hard on myself, I can stop and remember that I deserve gentleness and understanding from myself. Being human is not a character defect! Today I will be gentle with my humanness." One of the ways I have healed from past abuse was recognizing that I deserved better treatment. Kinder and more patient relationships. It takes a while to trust that this is something that can be trusted and relied upon. When substances, and mental illness are involved, it is the unpredictableness that is so frightening. The chaos and confusion that seems to be the standard. As I find more sanity and I give this compassion and warmth to others, I attract others that can give it back to me. I also have to be willing to accept too though, and trust that it is real.
So, in closing, I would like to say that I look forward to greater and greater levels of sanity, as I come to know my Higher Power's will, and follow it, knowing that I am in the hands of a vast and loving force that wants nothing but my highest good. This awareness is very liberating and comforting to me. It gives me hope that there is a way to live life that works. It gives me faith that I can find my way to a way of living that will bring me a greater sense of joy and connectedness in my life, and to the world. I believe that this will bring the peace that I, and we all crave, in the world. One mind at a time. But we can only do it for ourselves. And we must try. I believe the fate of our world hangs on this effort that we are all being asked to make. Won't you join me?
Thanks for listening!
Keep coming back:)
Music: "Have A Talk With God", by Stevie Wonder. I can listen to this now, post intro to Al-Anon, because I know God for me is "one of my understanding". That works for me.
Garden: Still wet and weedy. I did get my compost bin set-up this morning though. It got it's first load of rotting veggies too. I love seeing everything used. Nothing going to waste. Nothing is a waste, everything has a purpose, people or banana peels!
Step 2-
"Came to understand that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity."
I want to talk about what Higher Power is to me, today. Since I mentioned that Higher Power in the Twelve Steps is a "God of my understanding", what exactly is that for me, at this time? For me God is creation itself, the force that is responsible for all creation, all that we see. But God is also the emptiness, or potential, from which all creation arises. God includes everything, seen and unseen. Nothing is left out of this. Nothing. Everything is an integral part of this web. Nothing is not originally from the same source, so everything is to be honored as from the same creator. Life is interdependent, and all-encompassing. So everything has purpose, meaning and is, ultimately, a creation of love. Everything from the one source is made from the same loving force.
So, when I think about a Power greater than myself, I am not thinking about some being or entity, I am thinking about the order of the universe. I am thinking about the web of life, and how I fit into it. I also believe this web of life is changing and evolving, like all living systems do. The definition of something that is no longer alive, dead, is that it has stopped adapting and changing to the environment. Stasis=death. And evolution is constant. Every encounter, every event, every person in my life has meaning. All that they encounter and learn from, is impacting me on a minute by minute, hour by hour basis. It is phenomenally complex, but also simple. Complex because of the uncountable number of influences and interactions that take place. Simple, because they are all taking place for one purpose-Love. They are all taking place so that there can be an ever increasing evolution of love, in all forms. Cool, huh?
But what do I mean by love? To me love is connection. Identification. Awareness of unity, of sameness, of belonging. I seek it, but I already am it. I already belong to a vast web of life. I am already playing a role in that life. I, by recognizing this, can act in a way that honors that interconnection and life. If I know I am "my brothers and sisters keeper", and I mean ALL my brothers and sisters;two-legged, 4-legged, and many more legged, than I know what will not only sustain my life, but also the life of "all my relations". I will try to live in a way that honors and ensures that. This is not just on a physical level, but emotional and mental levels as well. And how do I do this? By practicing harmlessness and kindness. To act as if everyone was part of my family, and treat then as such, even if they are the family member that rubs me the wrong way, most of the time. It is important to practice patience and tolerance too, so that I too will be given it, when it is my turn. And it will be, eventually!
So, how can my sense of Higher Power restore me to sanity? For me it has always been about relationship. And respect. Insanity for me is a disconnection from life. A sense of being out of it, out of this world, not part of life, alien to it. Fearful or destructive because of that sense of alienation and disconnection. Disconnection can come in many forms too. But it starts in the mind. With illusions and delusions, a moving away from being present. An escape into realms of the mind. This mental disconnection leads to feelings of emotional pain, and feelings of isolation, alienation and fear. I am, on one level, an animal, and when I the animal feel isolated, cornered or threatened, the fear causes all sorts of aberrant behavior. This can result in physical actions being taken, or further isolation, such as my retreating from society. That or others isolating me also, shunning or expelling me from the community out of their fear.
My earliest sense of connection came from my birth, and also my family, shortly after my birth. What happened during that time imprinted on me what I thought and felt about life, family and my connection to the community, and the greater web of life in which I belonged. I came into an educated and very young family. My parents were both college graduates, just out of school, but very immature and naive. They were poor, coming from poor families, the first in their family to go to college and very inexperienced about life. Other than school, they both really didn't know much. And to top it off, both of their families of origins had mental illness, sex abuse, alcoholism and poverty. We lived then, in a poor and rough neighborhood, where most of our neighbors were like their families had been, except black, Hispanic and Irish. I don't remember feeling safe except when I was very young and mostly cared for by a baby sitter, and indoors mostly. Once I started going outside to play, that's when the trouble really started.
To me, that time in my life represented when I lived amidst a collection of people that had very little sense of connection, of community or interdependence. Everyone was out for themselves. Even children. Largely neglected, we were easy targets for older children or adults. Street savvy is what kept you alive, helped you to know when you were in-danger, or how to deflect attacks or abuse from others. I had to learn this the hard way. Ironically enough, my family was there to help. My parents wanted to help people to advocate for themselves, as tenant union and community organizers. You can't organize a community though, until people feel and recognize, that they are a community. People just saw me as another kid to dominate or exploit, and I had my share of run-ins with bullies, abusers and thieves. My brother and I had our first tricycle stolen, the first day we had it, by a neighbor boy who wanted for his sister.
These experiences really imprinted on me, at a very young age. Though I had parents who were more aware and educated, it did not change the effect of that early emotional environment of fear and abuse. When we moved to another community a few years later, in another state, I felt shell shocked and leery of strangers. I was already on the defense, even before there was any need to be. It is sad that so many poor kids, probably the majority of kids in this country, have these kinds of experiences growing up. Poverty, addiction, abuse and neglect take a heavy toll on young hearts and minds. Add to that my own family, with it's history of mental illness, emotional dysfunction and sexual abuse, and I got a heavy schooling in how to disappear as a person. I may have been there physically, but inside I was crushed. I remember not really knowing how I thought or felt about much of anything.
I have seen this change over the years, as I confronted things in my life. As crisis precipitated, from the result of my distorted thinking and ability to relate to others, I had to re-think everything from the ground up. Sometimes it has seemed painstakingly slow. But there has been progress. The way the Twelve Steps is contributing to that now, has been in how I see myself in relationship to others. I began to understand and have a sense of interconnection in the past, but saw it more from an environmental and planetary level. In Al-Anon I am taking it right down to the human and personal. I am being re-schooled in a sense of independent-interconnectedness. In the past, I thought it was my will that was responsible this. I believed if I was good enough, tried to do everything right, I would find my way to heaven or nirvana. With the steps I am getting a first-hand look at the effects, on a relationship level, of this very basic sense of connection to a larger whole. A power greater than myself. It really does make us crazy to think we are in control of everything.
Another effect of my past experience is the lack of a sense of gentleness, compassion and warmth. In the CTC this morning Today's Reminder read, "If I am being hard on myself, I can stop and remember that I deserve gentleness and understanding from myself. Being human is not a character defect! Today I will be gentle with my humanness." One of the ways I have healed from past abuse was recognizing that I deserved better treatment. Kinder and more patient relationships. It takes a while to trust that this is something that can be trusted and relied upon. When substances, and mental illness are involved, it is the unpredictableness that is so frightening. The chaos and confusion that seems to be the standard. As I find more sanity and I give this compassion and warmth to others, I attract others that can give it back to me. I also have to be willing to accept too though, and trust that it is real.
So, in closing, I would like to say that I look forward to greater and greater levels of sanity, as I come to know my Higher Power's will, and follow it, knowing that I am in the hands of a vast and loving force that wants nothing but my highest good. This awareness is very liberating and comforting to me. It gives me hope that there is a way to live life that works. It gives me faith that I can find my way to a way of living that will bring me a greater sense of joy and connectedness in my life, and to the world. I believe that this will bring the peace that I, and we all crave, in the world. One mind at a time. But we can only do it for ourselves. And we must try. I believe the fate of our world hangs on this effort that we are all being asked to make. Won't you join me?
Thanks for listening!
Keep coming back:)
Saturday, May 29, 2010
Step 2 - Day 46
Mood: Worried. I like to worry, it seems. Whether about my son, if I am "getting anywhere in life", friends and family, my health, you name it. I am a worrier. Ugh.
Music: "Opening Spirit (The Tyranny of Tradition)" , by Live. I love this band. They are very aware, awake and clear. And they rock. I should see if they are playing in the area sometime. I would like to write songs like they do also. Yeah!
Garden: More flowers! Round two of the beautiful volunteer bulbs that were planted by the previous owner. My big, round flower bed is full of a huge number of purple Irises about to bloom, and the most delicate and gorgeous singular lavender & gold Iris also. What an unexpected gift to have all this at this new house!
Step 2-
" Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity."
I'm feeling needy today. I have been trying to understand what exactly that means, at this moment. I feel the need for a deeper sense of connection, of closeness, of intimacy. But is it with a person, or life in-general? And how do you know the difference? How do you know when it is the right kind of need or an unhealthy version? How much do you need to take care of your own needs, and how much can you ask of another? In the Twelve Steps, the message is consistently to "take care of yourself". But how does that differ from relating to others, helping others, wanting others company? How does that differ from feeling lonely and wanting company or companionship? And there are many difference kinds of companionship. Many different levels of intimacy. How do I know what is OK and not OK?
When I think of my son, and how he is doing, I think about whether he is feeling lonely, whether he is feeling needy, and what he feels is OK to ask, or not ask, of others of his family also. In my confusion I probably have made this more difficult for him. Hopefully, he will solve this problem for himself, sooner than I have, so he will not live with this sense of pain at not knowing how to relate to others, or let others close to him. But his experience is his concern, and mine is mine. So right now I am trying to understand my feelings, and what they mean, at this time. I feel for my son. I wonder what, or if, I should do anything for him. I do not want to harm him out of my ignorance, but am I doing the best that I can, as limited as that may be?
So what does this longing or sense of neediness feel like? I am feeling it right now in the pit of my stomach, like an ache. It feels like it is pulling on me. I have felt this before, and it usually has been a signal to me that I am experiencing an attachment of some kind. I can remember, in the past, acting out of a sense of wanting this pain to end, and acting in ways I regretted. It was usually in relationship to a person I felt needy for. A person I felt close to, who I was feeling separate from. This pain felt like a hole, an ache, that had to be filled, had to be relieved. I don't want to act from that motivation, or cling to others in an unhealthy way. So, do I just acknowledge the feeling, and wait for it to pass, or is there something more I should do about it?
I will try to describe it more now, to start. This is important to me. It is worthy of going into, in detail, because it has impacted so many of my relationships to other people. It represents the nature of intimacy, friendship, loneliness, connection and the boundaries between me and other people. It chronicles what I have been willing to do, or what I have refrained from doing, for these relationships, or because of them. So how does it feel? It is a very primal ache. It pulls from deep within my gut, and feels almost like a hunger. I have associated it with a sense of attachment to a person or a thing that held great meaning. I have also associated it with fear, and with the fear of loss or disappointment.
I remember a time, when I was growing up in a large city, and I was part of an outing club at my junior high. My science teacher would take a group of us hiking and camping for the weekend, out of the city. I loved being part of this group. My family were not the outdoor types, so having the opportunity to go on these trips was very important to me. One weekend, we were going to be going for a two-day trip, up into the mountains of the next state, and stay in hiking huts on the top of the mountain. I had been looking forward to this trip all month. I was also particularly fond of my teacher, which in hindsight, I could see was like a father figure to me. I accidentally overslept, and missed getting to the school on-time to join the group.
I went home very upset, crying with disappointment and rage. My stomach ached and I felt I was going to die. Adolescent hormones, I'm sure, were contributing but I really was despondent. My mother tried to comfort me, but I lay on my bed sobbing and feeling I had missed the best trip of my life. I remember that sense of hollow emptiness in my stomach, and the feeling that nothing would fill it but that one thing. I felt I had to have it and not having it really was the worst feeling in the world. I have felt this at times with my son too. I am sure it really is not a healthy way to deal with a sense of loss, but it is a real feeling. It is actually great to have the opportunity to look at this again today, to maybe get one step closer to understanding it better, and not being impacted so much by it in the future. Or that is the hope.
It really is not a pleasant feeling at all. It seems to fill the awareness, and leave the present moment feeling lacking. Maybe that is part of the problem, as well as the solution? There is a sense of being attached to something that is no longer there, a person that is now gone, or an event that is over. But the attachment to it lingers. The good feeling of that time wants to be continued, but it is associated with that person, thing, or event. Once it is gone, the present is seen as lacking or wanting of that feeling. But where did that feeling come from in the first place? It can only come from within. It is like you give yourself permission to be happy, if all the right conditions are met, and if they no longer seem to be the right ones, the feeling leaves or is not present.That is a serious attachment!
So, what is the solution? Is there one, actually? Is it possible to feel full, engaged, connected, every moment of every day? Or do we just allow ourselves to go through the highs and lows, ups and downs, and just chock it up to being human? Is this what insanity is? Does this constitute an insane state? Being of a healthy, sound mind and with good reason, that is what is understood to be sane. Is it insane to be living in the past, wanting the present moment which is not the past, to feel the same? Is it sane to attach ones happiness to another person, place or thing, and have the potential for that to be lost cause you so much pain? What is a healthy relationship to any of these then? How can you acknowledge your feelings, be present with them, but not attached to whether they continue or not?
The quote from the CTC today is, "Worry and fear can alter our perceptions until we lose all sense of reality, twisting neutral situations into nightmares. Because most worry focuses on the future, if we can learn to stay in the present, living one day or one moment at a time,we take positive steps toward warding off the effects of fear." That really is it in a nutshell. It is fear, and worry, that what felt so good will not happen again, and that the person, place or thing that you felt it with is responsible for that. You cannot depend on any one person, place or thing to always be there for you, always deliver the goods, always make you feel that same way you felt. Setting yourself up for that expectation only sets you up for disappointment. Everything changes and nothing stays the same. So what do we do with that?
The prescription is also given: "learn to stay in the present, one day or one moment at a time." Easier said than done. In reality, though, you are ever only in the present. Any thing else is just an illusion of the mind. It really is insanity to live in a place that doesn't exist. The past is past and the future is not here yet. There only is the present. So how can you experience the fullness of this moment? How can you be fully present in the present, and reap the potential of this moment? Well, first, you have to have no resistance to what this moment holds. To be present, you have to be willing to feel what you are feeling, on every level, and just be with that. It will change or you might find yourself changing it. But you have to be in it first. So how can Higher Power restore this sense of sanity to me now? Good question! I await the message that that question will bring.
Thanks for listening!
Keep coming back:)
***Note: I will no longer write about what I am looking forward to, or what I fear or feel challenged by happening in the future, because that only focuses me in a future time which does not even exist yet. And I want to be fully in the present. I will try to be more HERE NOW!
Music: "Opening Spirit (The Tyranny of Tradition)" , by Live. I love this band. They are very aware, awake and clear. And they rock. I should see if they are playing in the area sometime. I would like to write songs like they do also. Yeah!
Garden: More flowers! Round two of the beautiful volunteer bulbs that were planted by the previous owner. My big, round flower bed is full of a huge number of purple Irises about to bloom, and the most delicate and gorgeous singular lavender & gold Iris also. What an unexpected gift to have all this at this new house!
Step 2-
" Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity."
I'm feeling needy today. I have been trying to understand what exactly that means, at this moment. I feel the need for a deeper sense of connection, of closeness, of intimacy. But is it with a person, or life in-general? And how do you know the difference? How do you know when it is the right kind of need or an unhealthy version? How much do you need to take care of your own needs, and how much can you ask of another? In the Twelve Steps, the message is consistently to "take care of yourself". But how does that differ from relating to others, helping others, wanting others company? How does that differ from feeling lonely and wanting company or companionship? And there are many difference kinds of companionship. Many different levels of intimacy. How do I know what is OK and not OK?
When I think of my son, and how he is doing, I think about whether he is feeling lonely, whether he is feeling needy, and what he feels is OK to ask, or not ask, of others of his family also. In my confusion I probably have made this more difficult for him. Hopefully, he will solve this problem for himself, sooner than I have, so he will not live with this sense of pain at not knowing how to relate to others, or let others close to him. But his experience is his concern, and mine is mine. So right now I am trying to understand my feelings, and what they mean, at this time. I feel for my son. I wonder what, or if, I should do anything for him. I do not want to harm him out of my ignorance, but am I doing the best that I can, as limited as that may be?
So what does this longing or sense of neediness feel like? I am feeling it right now in the pit of my stomach, like an ache. It feels like it is pulling on me. I have felt this before, and it usually has been a signal to me that I am experiencing an attachment of some kind. I can remember, in the past, acting out of a sense of wanting this pain to end, and acting in ways I regretted. It was usually in relationship to a person I felt needy for. A person I felt close to, who I was feeling separate from. This pain felt like a hole, an ache, that had to be filled, had to be relieved. I don't want to act from that motivation, or cling to others in an unhealthy way. So, do I just acknowledge the feeling, and wait for it to pass, or is there something more I should do about it?
I will try to describe it more now, to start. This is important to me. It is worthy of going into, in detail, because it has impacted so many of my relationships to other people. It represents the nature of intimacy, friendship, loneliness, connection and the boundaries between me and other people. It chronicles what I have been willing to do, or what I have refrained from doing, for these relationships, or because of them. So how does it feel? It is a very primal ache. It pulls from deep within my gut, and feels almost like a hunger. I have associated it with a sense of attachment to a person or a thing that held great meaning. I have also associated it with fear, and with the fear of loss or disappointment.
I remember a time, when I was growing up in a large city, and I was part of an outing club at my junior high. My science teacher would take a group of us hiking and camping for the weekend, out of the city. I loved being part of this group. My family were not the outdoor types, so having the opportunity to go on these trips was very important to me. One weekend, we were going to be going for a two-day trip, up into the mountains of the next state, and stay in hiking huts on the top of the mountain. I had been looking forward to this trip all month. I was also particularly fond of my teacher, which in hindsight, I could see was like a father figure to me. I accidentally overslept, and missed getting to the school on-time to join the group.
I went home very upset, crying with disappointment and rage. My stomach ached and I felt I was going to die. Adolescent hormones, I'm sure, were contributing but I really was despondent. My mother tried to comfort me, but I lay on my bed sobbing and feeling I had missed the best trip of my life. I remember that sense of hollow emptiness in my stomach, and the feeling that nothing would fill it but that one thing. I felt I had to have it and not having it really was the worst feeling in the world. I have felt this at times with my son too. I am sure it really is not a healthy way to deal with a sense of loss, but it is a real feeling. It is actually great to have the opportunity to look at this again today, to maybe get one step closer to understanding it better, and not being impacted so much by it in the future. Or that is the hope.
It really is not a pleasant feeling at all. It seems to fill the awareness, and leave the present moment feeling lacking. Maybe that is part of the problem, as well as the solution? There is a sense of being attached to something that is no longer there, a person that is now gone, or an event that is over. But the attachment to it lingers. The good feeling of that time wants to be continued, but it is associated with that person, thing, or event. Once it is gone, the present is seen as lacking or wanting of that feeling. But where did that feeling come from in the first place? It can only come from within. It is like you give yourself permission to be happy, if all the right conditions are met, and if they no longer seem to be the right ones, the feeling leaves or is not present.That is a serious attachment!
So, what is the solution? Is there one, actually? Is it possible to feel full, engaged, connected, every moment of every day? Or do we just allow ourselves to go through the highs and lows, ups and downs, and just chock it up to being human? Is this what insanity is? Does this constitute an insane state? Being of a healthy, sound mind and with good reason, that is what is understood to be sane. Is it insane to be living in the past, wanting the present moment which is not the past, to feel the same? Is it sane to attach ones happiness to another person, place or thing, and have the potential for that to be lost cause you so much pain? What is a healthy relationship to any of these then? How can you acknowledge your feelings, be present with them, but not attached to whether they continue or not?
The quote from the CTC today is, "Worry and fear can alter our perceptions until we lose all sense of reality, twisting neutral situations into nightmares. Because most worry focuses on the future, if we can learn to stay in the present, living one day or one moment at a time,we take positive steps toward warding off the effects of fear." That really is it in a nutshell. It is fear, and worry, that what felt so good will not happen again, and that the person, place or thing that you felt it with is responsible for that. You cannot depend on any one person, place or thing to always be there for you, always deliver the goods, always make you feel that same way you felt. Setting yourself up for that expectation only sets you up for disappointment. Everything changes and nothing stays the same. So what do we do with that?
The prescription is also given: "learn to stay in the present, one day or one moment at a time." Easier said than done. In reality, though, you are ever only in the present. Any thing else is just an illusion of the mind. It really is insanity to live in a place that doesn't exist. The past is past and the future is not here yet. There only is the present. So how can you experience the fullness of this moment? How can you be fully present in the present, and reap the potential of this moment? Well, first, you have to have no resistance to what this moment holds. To be present, you have to be willing to feel what you are feeling, on every level, and just be with that. It will change or you might find yourself changing it. But you have to be in it first. So how can Higher Power restore this sense of sanity to me now? Good question! I await the message that that question will bring.
Thanks for listening!
Keep coming back:)
***Note: I will no longer write about what I am looking forward to, or what I fear or feel challenged by happening in the future, because that only focuses me in a future time which does not even exist yet. And I want to be fully in the present. I will try to be more HERE NOW!
Friday, May 28, 2010
Step 2 - Day 45
Mood: Chipper. Feeling good today. Life feels OK, even with everything happening with my son. Just trying to say life is still worth living, and living well. Friends help!
Music: "Right Hand Man", Joan Osbourne. I love this folk/rocker chick! She's my kinda grrrl.
Garden: Weeds! Gotta get pullin' them weeds, man. Theyz are gettin' a bit outta control. Get ready for the pullin' fest this weekend, you weeds, you!
Step 2-
"Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity"
Skipped another couple of days writing this blog. I seem to keep doing this after I go to court with my son. This time, though, I didn't go to court with him, I went to see him. He did not look well. I was not able to say to see him go up before the judge. Court got started late, and I could not get off from work, so I had to leave. That felt really strange. He is a young man now though. I am not sure how much he wants or needs me to be there. I still haven't heard back from him on how things went. I know they did not send him back to jail, yet, even though he is not taking the medication they want him to take. I am just wondering these days what he is thinking about himself, and what he thinks is going on, within his head, at this time.
From the CTC today, "I heard it said that the only valid comparisons are between myself as I am and myself as I used to be. When I think of Step Two and being restored to sanity, such a comparison comes to mind." It's hard to think back at what I used to be like. I have some shadowy recollections, but those are based on the I that I was at the time, and how I observed myself to be, then. How would I see myself now, from this vantage point? I remember what I wish not to repeat, but it is much harder to remember what makes me unique, special even.
That will come in Step 4, I am told, which I am looking forward to. My tendency is to focus on what is not right, needs to be fixed, are my weaknesses. I have felt drowned in the heavy, heavy and suffocating atmosphere of a sense of failure as a human being, that that mindset has brought. I look forward to loosening that hold on my sense of shame and inadequacy. There is only so much self-hatred you can stomach in one lifetime, before it make you sick to your stomach. Being aware of weaknesses is important, but a healthy sense of self-love is what is on my agenda these days as well. Finally!
I've also been noticing, lately, that you can only be loved as much as you are willing to be loved.That is something I can definitely compare myself to my past self,from more recently. I have mostly found it extremely hard to take compliments, because I compare myself to some unseen standard, that no one but me knows. Most people complimenting me on something, base it on a comparison to what they could, or couldn't do themselves. But, I usually only accept a comparison if it is to an idol or hero. Of course, trying to be like a person who is considered the best at what they do is an impossibly steep goal. But I have usually never settled for less in my standards or goals for myself. The better to flagellate myself with.
Another daily reminder from the CTC, " Looking back I see many examples of a Power greater than myself at work in my life. I see progress in being restored to sanity, and I am increasingly confident that my progress will continue." To me, right now, being restored to sanity means being able to just allow myself to be, in all that that means. There is a life that is being lived. There are events that are happening in that life. There are emotions, relationships, experiences and growth. And this includes everything that is happening with my son.
The task, if you can say that there is one, is to just be present. Much in the Al-Anon program, for me, is about not living in either the past or the future. Because they do not really exist. I have been given feedback over the years that I "live in my head too much" But thoughts do occur, and for some, more than others. These thoughts have been what they have been, and they have changed, and those changes have changed this life. Thoughts do impact my life. They are the precursors to action. They premeditate it. My thoughts about what is happening to my son, in this short time are changing, particularly where I feel it is either my fault, or my responsibility to cure him. And the steps do say, " you didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it." Whew! Big one!
For me though, the question is not if there are thoughts, but what kind. On one level, all thought is just thought, and it is occurring, and it will continue to occur, change and progress the life to which they are occurring. On another level, as the acknowledged person that I am, that has a name, a personality and a set of circumstances to live through, the particular thoughts that are arising paint a picture, on the canvas of my life, that show what that life might look like. By working the Twelve steps, this particular person that I am, is progressing this particular life, along it's predetermined lines. This is good, for it truly is the will of Higher Power, or it would not be happening. So I accept, and go along for the ride...
I can compare myself, to where this life was before, and on one level it could be said to be progressing toward greater sanity, and that would be true and right. On another level, it would just be changing, with no judgement, because everything that is occurring, is occurring through Higher Power's will. And that will is beyond knowing in totality. It's scope is too vast for any one mind to conceive. It is the shared, and collective, experience of all lives and all wills. It's purpose is unknowable. But that is OK. I can see the will that is within my scope to observe and participate in. It is occurring right now, and everything I need to know can be found within this one moment. And that is good. Very good. Even when it doesn't feel good.
So, where do I go from here? I just go forward, doing what I am doing, feeling what I am feeling, thinking what I am thinking, and showing up for what ever is happening. If that includes experiencing what my son is going through, and how it is affecting me, that is OK. If it includes the Twelve Steps, than it will also. If the Twelve Steps bring sanity to this life, then they do, and that is good. If nothing changes, that is also OK too. But, it has been changing, and through that change, there has been a recognition that there is no will but Higher Power's will.It is starting to occur to me, also, what a relief that is. A huge weight off these tiny shoulders.
So, acceptance of that just allows that which already is, to be without conflict, complaint or concern. It will happen, nonetheless, but the ride can be pleasant, or it can be bumpy, by the recognition of how it all works. I think I am choosing acceptance and a smoother ride. That is the main difference right now. And it is allowing greater sanity to occur. This, I do believe, is happening because of the influence of the ideas and concepts of the Twelve Steps. I do not think I completely understand why they work yet. Maybe that will come in time. But for now, they are working, and that is good.
Thanks for listening!
Keep coming back:)
Looking forward to: More gardening!
Challenges: Not worrying about my son. Yes, still.
Music: "Right Hand Man", Joan Osbourne. I love this folk/rocker chick! She's my kinda grrrl.
Garden: Weeds! Gotta get pullin' them weeds, man. Theyz are gettin' a bit outta control. Get ready for the pullin' fest this weekend, you weeds, you!
Step 2-
"Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity"
Skipped another couple of days writing this blog. I seem to keep doing this after I go to court with my son. This time, though, I didn't go to court with him, I went to see him. He did not look well. I was not able to say to see him go up before the judge. Court got started late, and I could not get off from work, so I had to leave. That felt really strange. He is a young man now though. I am not sure how much he wants or needs me to be there. I still haven't heard back from him on how things went. I know they did not send him back to jail, yet, even though he is not taking the medication they want him to take. I am just wondering these days what he is thinking about himself, and what he thinks is going on, within his head, at this time.
From the CTC today, "I heard it said that the only valid comparisons are between myself as I am and myself as I used to be. When I think of Step Two and being restored to sanity, such a comparison comes to mind." It's hard to think back at what I used to be like. I have some shadowy recollections, but those are based on the I that I was at the time, and how I observed myself to be, then. How would I see myself now, from this vantage point? I remember what I wish not to repeat, but it is much harder to remember what makes me unique, special even.
That will come in Step 4, I am told, which I am looking forward to. My tendency is to focus on what is not right, needs to be fixed, are my weaknesses. I have felt drowned in the heavy, heavy and suffocating atmosphere of a sense of failure as a human being, that that mindset has brought. I look forward to loosening that hold on my sense of shame and inadequacy. There is only so much self-hatred you can stomach in one lifetime, before it make you sick to your stomach. Being aware of weaknesses is important, but a healthy sense of self-love is what is on my agenda these days as well. Finally!
I've also been noticing, lately, that you can only be loved as much as you are willing to be loved.That is something I can definitely compare myself to my past self,from more recently. I have mostly found it extremely hard to take compliments, because I compare myself to some unseen standard, that no one but me knows. Most people complimenting me on something, base it on a comparison to what they could, or couldn't do themselves. But, I usually only accept a comparison if it is to an idol or hero. Of course, trying to be like a person who is considered the best at what they do is an impossibly steep goal. But I have usually never settled for less in my standards or goals for myself. The better to flagellate myself with.
Another daily reminder from the CTC, " Looking back I see many examples of a Power greater than myself at work in my life. I see progress in being restored to sanity, and I am increasingly confident that my progress will continue." To me, right now, being restored to sanity means being able to just allow myself to be, in all that that means. There is a life that is being lived. There are events that are happening in that life. There are emotions, relationships, experiences and growth. And this includes everything that is happening with my son.
The task, if you can say that there is one, is to just be present. Much in the Al-Anon program, for me, is about not living in either the past or the future. Because they do not really exist. I have been given feedback over the years that I "live in my head too much" But thoughts do occur, and for some, more than others. These thoughts have been what they have been, and they have changed, and those changes have changed this life. Thoughts do impact my life. They are the precursors to action. They premeditate it. My thoughts about what is happening to my son, in this short time are changing, particularly where I feel it is either my fault, or my responsibility to cure him. And the steps do say, " you didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it." Whew! Big one!
For me though, the question is not if there are thoughts, but what kind. On one level, all thought is just thought, and it is occurring, and it will continue to occur, change and progress the life to which they are occurring. On another level, as the acknowledged person that I am, that has a name, a personality and a set of circumstances to live through, the particular thoughts that are arising paint a picture, on the canvas of my life, that show what that life might look like. By working the Twelve steps, this particular person that I am, is progressing this particular life, along it's predetermined lines. This is good, for it truly is the will of Higher Power, or it would not be happening. So I accept, and go along for the ride...
I can compare myself, to where this life was before, and on one level it could be said to be progressing toward greater sanity, and that would be true and right. On another level, it would just be changing, with no judgement, because everything that is occurring, is occurring through Higher Power's will. And that will is beyond knowing in totality. It's scope is too vast for any one mind to conceive. It is the shared, and collective, experience of all lives and all wills. It's purpose is unknowable. But that is OK. I can see the will that is within my scope to observe and participate in. It is occurring right now, and everything I need to know can be found within this one moment. And that is good. Very good. Even when it doesn't feel good.
So, where do I go from here? I just go forward, doing what I am doing, feeling what I am feeling, thinking what I am thinking, and showing up for what ever is happening. If that includes experiencing what my son is going through, and how it is affecting me, that is OK. If it includes the Twelve Steps, than it will also. If the Twelve Steps bring sanity to this life, then they do, and that is good. If nothing changes, that is also OK too. But, it has been changing, and through that change, there has been a recognition that there is no will but Higher Power's will.It is starting to occur to me, also, what a relief that is. A huge weight off these tiny shoulders.
So, acceptance of that just allows that which already is, to be without conflict, complaint or concern. It will happen, nonetheless, but the ride can be pleasant, or it can be bumpy, by the recognition of how it all works. I think I am choosing acceptance and a smoother ride. That is the main difference right now. And it is allowing greater sanity to occur. This, I do believe, is happening because of the influence of the ideas and concepts of the Twelve Steps. I do not think I completely understand why they work yet. Maybe that will come in time. But for now, they are working, and that is good.
Thanks for listening!
Keep coming back:)
Looking forward to: More gardening!
Challenges: Not worrying about my son. Yes, still.
Thursday, May 27, 2010
Step 2 - Day 44
Mood: Discouraged. I went to court to see my son and found him really "out of it" He just didn't see to care about himself or what might happen.
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
Step 2 - Day 42
Mood: Elated. I made a new friend who I feel I can talk to about many things I am interested in, particularly mental illness, and my son's experiences.
Music: "Joy Inside My Tears", by Stevie Wonder. A simple song that speaks to how we all need each other to get through life. We can't do it alone.
Garden: Full of mice. The cats are having a "field day" catching them for breakfast each morning. Just wish they would eat them outside, instead of on the kitchen floor!
Step 2
"We came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity"
I really want to focus on the idea of "sanity" today. What exactly is sanity? I suspect there are many different ideas of how a sane vs. an insane person looks, feels or acts. What is my definition? What am I trying to achieve? When I think about what sane is, in my mind and in the world, I think about right relationship. What I mean by that, is that there is a conscious awareness of interdependence, and that we need to know how those relationships can be healthy and beneficial. To be insane, in my mind, is to not be able to relate in a healthy way, to be out-of-touch and damaging to those around you. The tricky part is defining what healthy is.
This is where the conversation changes for me, from one of a personal nature; how I see myself relating to the world, to how the world as a whole can be in a state of health and balance. As a North American, I am becoming acutely aware of how our Western lifestyle is causing a kind of isolated and disconnected relationship to the rest of the world. Because of our consumer-based society, and I don't mean a mental health consumer, we have lost touch with the roots of our connection to the earth. I believe this is having catastrophic effects on our mental health. This sense of disconnection, and disassociation with the world, is breeding a level of neurosis and depression that we have never seen before.
Now that's a really big thesis to pose. But I'm posing it. Where do we go next with that? Let me start with a quote from the CTC reader for today. Denial is a symptom of the effects of alcohol. Just as alcoholics often deny their drinking problems, many of us who have been affected by this disease deny our problems as well. Although we may have been living in chaos, worried about our families, full of self-doubt, spiritually, emotionally and physically depleted, many of us learned to pretend that everything was just fine." When I think about this personally, I can relate it to the effects of relating to my son, who is mentally ill. But I can also relate it to society at-large, which feels mentally ill to me too. But the societal mental illness is a product of our addition to unchecked growth, fossil fuels and unrestrained capitalism.
Can the illness that we experience on a personal level be related to the illness of society at-large? Does trying to participate in a sick system make us sick? Do those who seem to be thriving, are they actually the sickest among us? And those who appear to be the weakest, the most unable to cope, the canaries in the mine shaft, are they pointing out that there is something wrong with the system? Am I going too far afield with this? Am I off-base? Even within a healthy society there will be people who make poor choices and cause harm. No system can be perfect. Are there any healthy societies now? How unhealthy have we gotten as a society? How much of the mental illness that we are seeing today, is a direct result of this? These are questions I want to know.
On a personal note, I am struggling with a certain amount of denial of how bad global warming is, and how much worse it will get, and what I should be doing to prevent any more damage than has already happened. Can I say that if my son does not want to be part of things, as he sees them now, that I can blame him? When I worry about how he will survive, how he will "make it" within society as it stands, am I barking up the wrong tree? Maybe I should be worrying about why I am able to.? Maybe I should be worried about how I can be so unconscious, when so much destruction is going on all around me? Who is really the mentally ill person then? I think this is an important theme I want to explore. I feel we cannot separate our internal lives, our mental health, from the health of the planet as a whole.
How does this relate to me and my son? How is my sanity or insanity, in this regard, contributing to my sons? How has his relationship to me, and to the family he was raised in, been a microcosm of the macrocosm? How does the culture of the family, within the larger culture, influence a family members mental health? How does the family view a fellow members health, when viewed through the lens of the culture in which one is living? Are there cultures that breed insanity because of the degree of disconnection, and disassociation with the earth, that they practice? I am not trying to excuse anti-social behavior. But how do you view what is considered anti-social within the society in which it is being judged, when that society may be sick?
What is unhealthy about our current culture? We are living very busy lives, driven by the need to generate the highest cost of living, of any country in the Western world, because of rising inflation, rising cost of all good and services. This because we are dependent on fossil fuels and dying forms of technology that are raping and pillaging the planet. We have to work harder and harder to keep this dying system going. We are all stressed out and anxious. We know the system is broken, and yet so few of us are willing to change our habits, even though it is killing us. How is this not like alcoholism?
We are addicted to this way of life. This lifestyle, this kind of societal disassociation and disconnection. For us to change this we will have to feel the pain of the world. Pain that we are causing by our demands for more and more of our chosen drug. The rest of the world is in an alcoholic marriage with us. We are dragging them down. The only way for them to survive us, will be to step over and around us, as we lay in a puddle of our own vomit, our oily and polluted vomit.But, in reality, it is not like that. Rather than trying to get out of this bad marriage, many nations are looking to become just like us. Like offspring of this unhealthy family, they want to be "just like mom and dad". Heaven help us! Only the few who remember the way it could, and should, be are speaking out. Their quiet, gentle voices are being drowned out by the rush for a "higher" standard of living. Whatever that means.
Again, how does this relate to my son? To me? I don't know actually. I just feel it, deeply, and know there is truth there. But I am not sure where this will lead me. I am trying to be open. I am on a journey, and I am trying to get to the bottom of what mental health is. What mental illness is. What consciousness and wholeness and real health is, not only for me and my son, but also for the world as a whole. I believe there is an intimate connection. I believe there is a fundamental connection to all life, and when you tamper with that, you pay a price. Maybe all of the environmental destruction is just a physical sign of a much deeper and more important disconnection, a disconnection from God, from Life itself.
To me, any God worth it's salt does not leave anything out of the equation. There has to be a wholeness, an inclusiveness, a completeness. What happens when some things are left out or sacrificed? Am I wrong to assume that if it doesn't work for the whole then it will not work for the parts? What would a whole and balanced world look like? What would we each look like as a product of that wholeness and world? What is the answer to finding healing for those of us who are not well? Is it they that must change, or the society and culture, in which they are a part that must? Just in-terms of stigma alone, we have a long way to go. That does not even take into account the issue of treatment. Who are really the sick ones here? Ugh!
Thanks for listening!
Keep coming back:)
Looking forward to: My writers group tonight.
Challenge: Keep trying to find my way through the maze of mental health/illness paradigms.
Music: "Joy Inside My Tears", by Stevie Wonder. A simple song that speaks to how we all need each other to get through life. We can't do it alone.
Garden: Full of mice. The cats are having a "field day" catching them for breakfast each morning. Just wish they would eat them outside, instead of on the kitchen floor!
Step 2
"We came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity"
I really want to focus on the idea of "sanity" today. What exactly is sanity? I suspect there are many different ideas of how a sane vs. an insane person looks, feels or acts. What is my definition? What am I trying to achieve? When I think about what sane is, in my mind and in the world, I think about right relationship. What I mean by that, is that there is a conscious awareness of interdependence, and that we need to know how those relationships can be healthy and beneficial. To be insane, in my mind, is to not be able to relate in a healthy way, to be out-of-touch and damaging to those around you. The tricky part is defining what healthy is.
This is where the conversation changes for me, from one of a personal nature; how I see myself relating to the world, to how the world as a whole can be in a state of health and balance. As a North American, I am becoming acutely aware of how our Western lifestyle is causing a kind of isolated and disconnected relationship to the rest of the world. Because of our consumer-based society, and I don't mean a mental health consumer, we have lost touch with the roots of our connection to the earth. I believe this is having catastrophic effects on our mental health. This sense of disconnection, and disassociation with the world, is breeding a level of neurosis and depression that we have never seen before.
Now that's a really big thesis to pose. But I'm posing it. Where do we go next with that? Let me start with a quote from the CTC reader for today. Denial is a symptom of the effects of alcohol. Just as alcoholics often deny their drinking problems, many of us who have been affected by this disease deny our problems as well. Although we may have been living in chaos, worried about our families, full of self-doubt, spiritually, emotionally and physically depleted, many of us learned to pretend that everything was just fine." When I think about this personally, I can relate it to the effects of relating to my son, who is mentally ill. But I can also relate it to society at-large, which feels mentally ill to me too. But the societal mental illness is a product of our addition to unchecked growth, fossil fuels and unrestrained capitalism.
Can the illness that we experience on a personal level be related to the illness of society at-large? Does trying to participate in a sick system make us sick? Do those who seem to be thriving, are they actually the sickest among us? And those who appear to be the weakest, the most unable to cope, the canaries in the mine shaft, are they pointing out that there is something wrong with the system? Am I going too far afield with this? Am I off-base? Even within a healthy society there will be people who make poor choices and cause harm. No system can be perfect. Are there any healthy societies now? How unhealthy have we gotten as a society? How much of the mental illness that we are seeing today, is a direct result of this? These are questions I want to know.
On a personal note, I am struggling with a certain amount of denial of how bad global warming is, and how much worse it will get, and what I should be doing to prevent any more damage than has already happened. Can I say that if my son does not want to be part of things, as he sees them now, that I can blame him? When I worry about how he will survive, how he will "make it" within society as it stands, am I barking up the wrong tree? Maybe I should be worrying about why I am able to.? Maybe I should be worried about how I can be so unconscious, when so much destruction is going on all around me? Who is really the mentally ill person then? I think this is an important theme I want to explore. I feel we cannot separate our internal lives, our mental health, from the health of the planet as a whole.
How does this relate to me and my son? How is my sanity or insanity, in this regard, contributing to my sons? How has his relationship to me, and to the family he was raised in, been a microcosm of the macrocosm? How does the culture of the family, within the larger culture, influence a family members mental health? How does the family view a fellow members health, when viewed through the lens of the culture in which one is living? Are there cultures that breed insanity because of the degree of disconnection, and disassociation with the earth, that they practice? I am not trying to excuse anti-social behavior. But how do you view what is considered anti-social within the society in which it is being judged, when that society may be sick?
What is unhealthy about our current culture? We are living very busy lives, driven by the need to generate the highest cost of living, of any country in the Western world, because of rising inflation, rising cost of all good and services. This because we are dependent on fossil fuels and dying forms of technology that are raping and pillaging the planet. We have to work harder and harder to keep this dying system going. We are all stressed out and anxious. We know the system is broken, and yet so few of us are willing to change our habits, even though it is killing us. How is this not like alcoholism?
We are addicted to this way of life. This lifestyle, this kind of societal disassociation and disconnection. For us to change this we will have to feel the pain of the world. Pain that we are causing by our demands for more and more of our chosen drug. The rest of the world is in an alcoholic marriage with us. We are dragging them down. The only way for them to survive us, will be to step over and around us, as we lay in a puddle of our own vomit, our oily and polluted vomit.But, in reality, it is not like that. Rather than trying to get out of this bad marriage, many nations are looking to become just like us. Like offspring of this unhealthy family, they want to be "just like mom and dad". Heaven help us! Only the few who remember the way it could, and should, be are speaking out. Their quiet, gentle voices are being drowned out by the rush for a "higher" standard of living. Whatever that means.
Again, how does this relate to my son? To me? I don't know actually. I just feel it, deeply, and know there is truth there. But I am not sure where this will lead me. I am trying to be open. I am on a journey, and I am trying to get to the bottom of what mental health is. What mental illness is. What consciousness and wholeness and real health is, not only for me and my son, but also for the world as a whole. I believe there is an intimate connection. I believe there is a fundamental connection to all life, and when you tamper with that, you pay a price. Maybe all of the environmental destruction is just a physical sign of a much deeper and more important disconnection, a disconnection from God, from Life itself.
To me, any God worth it's salt does not leave anything out of the equation. There has to be a wholeness, an inclusiveness, a completeness. What happens when some things are left out or sacrificed? Am I wrong to assume that if it doesn't work for the whole then it will not work for the parts? What would a whole and balanced world look like? What would we each look like as a product of that wholeness and world? What is the answer to finding healing for those of us who are not well? Is it they that must change, or the society and culture, in which they are a part that must? Just in-terms of stigma alone, we have a long way to go. That does not even take into account the issue of treatment. Who are really the sick ones here? Ugh!
Thanks for listening!
Keep coming back:)
Looking forward to: My writers group tonight.
Challenge: Keep trying to find my way through the maze of mental health/illness paradigms.
Monday, May 24, 2010
Step 2 - Day 41
Mood: Quiet. Rested. Woke up to sun and birds singing. Mellow morning eating toast, coffee and fruit for breakfast. The simple pleasure are best.
Music: "Strange Affair", by June Tabor, one of my all-time favorite singers, though she was, I am sure, a Hyperthymic depressive. Takes one to know one:)
Garden: Needing to be trimmed and mowed. Manure and rototiller coming for the veggie garden Wednesday. Can't wait to get a move-on with all that. Ah, Summer!
Step 1-
"Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity"
How am I doing today? I went to a new Al-Anon meeting last night, which was a nice group. It included a beginners meeting, which was also good, since I am a beginner. I am still amazed at the depth of wisdom, and understanding, that these strangers I am sharing rooms with, speak with and have. It is amazing how we all are taking these ideas, the ideas of the 12 steps, and bringing them into our lives. I have been very weary of following another "path" again. I have tried so many. But I do feel a sense of community and comfort, in knowing that I am accepted and understood, in my new adopted "family".
This morning is feeling good, so far. If that means it is going according to my wishes, I suppose you could say, "yes". An easy wake-up, not feeling rushed. Time to linger over coffee, read a page from my Courage To Change reader, look at the garden, enjoy the cats, do a little writing and listen to some music. If that constitutes a day going the way I planned, then yes, it is going beautifully. Things feel peaceful and sweet. Mellow and gentle. Beautiful and calm. What more could anyone ask for? Maybe someone to share it with? An intimate friend to look out over life with, and say, "yes", I'll take more of that, please!" That would be my only other wish.
This morning's reading from CTC is, "In the words of Oscar Wilde-In this world there are only two tragedies. One is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it. The last is much worst." In other words, there is my will and there is Higher Power's will. Many wise people have said, "Be careful for what you ask for. You might get it." So what am I asking for today? What is my will hoping for, and what might I regret if I get it? I could say, first and foremost, for things to get much better for my son, right away, right now. But is that a wrong thing to want? I could say for my work, my relationships, my health to get better, to change. But would that be a tragedy?
I am being instructed to only want what my Higher Power wants for me, and to only ask that that will be revealed, not to impose my will on the picture. I can try to do this, but I am still working on whether I believe that Higher Power is really there. That and what is this power, and should I surrender my will to theirs? I did not think that at this stage in my life I would still be thinking these thoughts, or asking these questions, but I really am. I think my previous paths were an intellectual exercise. This is the first time in my life that I can say that I really am looking for, and trying to feel and live, within a living, breathing sense of God.
The CTC today, goes on to say, "My will gets me into trouble. I aim for some goal or other, but even when I get it, I am rarely satisfied. It doesn't make my life complete, so I raise the ante, set a new goal, and push even harder. Or I don't get what I want and feel inadequate or deprived. Maybe that is why not one of the Twelve Steps talks about carrying out -my- will." Oh, that is good! That is so true. There is so much truth in that. So what am I asking for from God? What am I hoping I get, that I don't have, that I feel incomplete without? I will think about his question today, and keep writing about it.
I have often felt very lonely. This loneliness has manifested in the past as wanting to find my 'people", my group. My tribe. I was looking for a community or group of people that embodied everything that I believed in and knew to be true about life. A sort of ideal "family" where I would e understood, accepted and appreciated. Trouble is, over the years, those idea and beliefs have changed, and with them, my affiliations. So, this sense of community has kept evolving, growing, as I grew. I guess now, my hope would be to just be in a dynamic situation, in which I and others kept growing and changing, and accepted those changes. If not, then the ability to detach and not hold myself or others back.
My loneliness now, I think, is just from my self-imposed isolation, out of a fear of being not accepted or understood. That, I have been finding, especially lately, through the Al-Anon and NAMI groups, to have been based on my sense of failure and shame, not on reality. This has been very healing, in a very short span of time. It is amazing how much self-judgement you can generate, that was never originating from anyone else but yourself. I've rejected myself long before anyone else could. How sad. All that missed opportunity for love and intimacy, because I thought I was not worthy. I am hoping, as I keep healing, that this will keep changing.
But is that my will desiring something? I think, in the past, my will has thought that I wanted certain people, certain experiences, and certain things. That having those things somehow validated me. Confirmed my importance, to myself and others. Now, I am finding that it is being authentic, in the moment, no matter what life brings. Living without fear, without blame and shame, and letting life bring your it;s gifts.I am trying to be open a receptive to these gifts, that I feel are coming more and more, and believe that i am worthy of love. Worthy of joy. Worthy of peace and serenity. Sometimes, it seems the hardest thing to do is just to allow life to happen.
Higher Power, what is your plan for me, today? CTC goes on to say, " The only times I have ever found lasting satisfaction, were when I let go of self-will, and committed myself to seeking the will of my Higher Power.Prayer and meditation are two means by which I seek to discover what God's will holds for me, and they help me gain access to the power to carry it out." I have not really been a meditating for 5 years. I spent 15 years before that though, dong quite a bit of it. What changed? I think I became disenchanted with techniques, systems, schools of thought. So how are the Twelve Steps different?
First and foremost, the Twelve Steps only point the way. They do not tell you what to think about God, if that's what you call he/she or it. They also don't tell you how to go about doing it. How to find serenity. The idea is that the steps present a map of what insanity looks like, and also sanity or serenity. But it's up to you to find your way to it. I like that, actually. Spirituality for big boys and girls. Grown up, intelligent relating to God, as we know Him/Her or It. It wouldn't really be real if we didn't make it our own too. it seems your life, as it is presenting, is the meditation. We mainly just need to pay attention. To look. To be present.
OK Higher Power, show me the way!
Thanks for listening!
Keep coming back:)
Looking forward to: Talking with a new NAMI friend tonight, about my son.
Challenge: Not worrying about my son. Trusting in his and my Higher Power more.
Music: "Strange Affair", by June Tabor, one of my all-time favorite singers, though she was, I am sure, a Hyperthymic depressive. Takes one to know one:)
Garden: Needing to be trimmed and mowed. Manure and rototiller coming for the veggie garden Wednesday. Can't wait to get a move-on with all that. Ah, Summer!
Step 1-
"Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity"
How am I doing today? I went to a new Al-Anon meeting last night, which was a nice group. It included a beginners meeting, which was also good, since I am a beginner. I am still amazed at the depth of wisdom, and understanding, that these strangers I am sharing rooms with, speak with and have. It is amazing how we all are taking these ideas, the ideas of the 12 steps, and bringing them into our lives. I have been very weary of following another "path" again. I have tried so many. But I do feel a sense of community and comfort, in knowing that I am accepted and understood, in my new adopted "family".
This morning is feeling good, so far. If that means it is going according to my wishes, I suppose you could say, "yes". An easy wake-up, not feeling rushed. Time to linger over coffee, read a page from my Courage To Change reader, look at the garden, enjoy the cats, do a little writing and listen to some music. If that constitutes a day going the way I planned, then yes, it is going beautifully. Things feel peaceful and sweet. Mellow and gentle. Beautiful and calm. What more could anyone ask for? Maybe someone to share it with? An intimate friend to look out over life with, and say, "yes", I'll take more of that, please!" That would be my only other wish.
This morning's reading from CTC is, "In the words of Oscar Wilde-In this world there are only two tragedies. One is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it. The last is much worst." In other words, there is my will and there is Higher Power's will. Many wise people have said, "Be careful for what you ask for. You might get it." So what am I asking for today? What is my will hoping for, and what might I regret if I get it? I could say, first and foremost, for things to get much better for my son, right away, right now. But is that a wrong thing to want? I could say for my work, my relationships, my health to get better, to change. But would that be a tragedy?
I am being instructed to only want what my Higher Power wants for me, and to only ask that that will be revealed, not to impose my will on the picture. I can try to do this, but I am still working on whether I believe that Higher Power is really there. That and what is this power, and should I surrender my will to theirs? I did not think that at this stage in my life I would still be thinking these thoughts, or asking these questions, but I really am. I think my previous paths were an intellectual exercise. This is the first time in my life that I can say that I really am looking for, and trying to feel and live, within a living, breathing sense of God.
The CTC today, goes on to say, "My will gets me into trouble. I aim for some goal or other, but even when I get it, I am rarely satisfied. It doesn't make my life complete, so I raise the ante, set a new goal, and push even harder. Or I don't get what I want and feel inadequate or deprived. Maybe that is why not one of the Twelve Steps talks about carrying out -my- will." Oh, that is good! That is so true. There is so much truth in that. So what am I asking for from God? What am I hoping I get, that I don't have, that I feel incomplete without? I will think about his question today, and keep writing about it.
I have often felt very lonely. This loneliness has manifested in the past as wanting to find my 'people", my group. My tribe. I was looking for a community or group of people that embodied everything that I believed in and knew to be true about life. A sort of ideal "family" where I would e understood, accepted and appreciated. Trouble is, over the years, those idea and beliefs have changed, and with them, my affiliations. So, this sense of community has kept evolving, growing, as I grew. I guess now, my hope would be to just be in a dynamic situation, in which I and others kept growing and changing, and accepted those changes. If not, then the ability to detach and not hold myself or others back.
My loneliness now, I think, is just from my self-imposed isolation, out of a fear of being not accepted or understood. That, I have been finding, especially lately, through the Al-Anon and NAMI groups, to have been based on my sense of failure and shame, not on reality. This has been very healing, in a very short span of time. It is amazing how much self-judgement you can generate, that was never originating from anyone else but yourself. I've rejected myself long before anyone else could. How sad. All that missed opportunity for love and intimacy, because I thought I was not worthy. I am hoping, as I keep healing, that this will keep changing.
But is that my will desiring something? I think, in the past, my will has thought that I wanted certain people, certain experiences, and certain things. That having those things somehow validated me. Confirmed my importance, to myself and others. Now, I am finding that it is being authentic, in the moment, no matter what life brings. Living without fear, without blame and shame, and letting life bring your it;s gifts.I am trying to be open a receptive to these gifts, that I feel are coming more and more, and believe that i am worthy of love. Worthy of joy. Worthy of peace and serenity. Sometimes, it seems the hardest thing to do is just to allow life to happen.
Higher Power, what is your plan for me, today? CTC goes on to say, " The only times I have ever found lasting satisfaction, were when I let go of self-will, and committed myself to seeking the will of my Higher Power.Prayer and meditation are two means by which I seek to discover what God's will holds for me, and they help me gain access to the power to carry it out." I have not really been a meditating for 5 years. I spent 15 years before that though, dong quite a bit of it. What changed? I think I became disenchanted with techniques, systems, schools of thought. So how are the Twelve Steps different?
First and foremost, the Twelve Steps only point the way. They do not tell you what to think about God, if that's what you call he/she or it. They also don't tell you how to go about doing it. How to find serenity. The idea is that the steps present a map of what insanity looks like, and also sanity or serenity. But it's up to you to find your way to it. I like that, actually. Spirituality for big boys and girls. Grown up, intelligent relating to God, as we know Him/Her or It. It wouldn't really be real if we didn't make it our own too. it seems your life, as it is presenting, is the meditation. We mainly just need to pay attention. To look. To be present.
OK Higher Power, show me the way!
Thanks for listening!
Keep coming back:)
Looking forward to: Talking with a new NAMI friend tonight, about my son.
Challenge: Not worrying about my son. Trusting in his and my Higher Power more.
Sunday, May 23, 2010
Step 2 - Day 40
Mood: Anxious. I've spent some time with my son this weekend, after almost 6 months of not seeing him, and I am just worried all over again about him.
Music: " Shrink ", By Julian Dawson. A great song about depression by an English artist affiliated with the great Richard Thompson.
Garden: Green! All things growing and gorgeous.
Step 1-
" Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity "
So, I have been avoiding this blog for the last couple of weeks. Funny too, since some very important things have happened in this time. Also, funny too, since when I do write in it, I feel better. It helps me to ground, to clear my head and such. I have gotten a chance to spend some time with my son again. Once, when we drove to his last court appearance a little over a week ago. A few days after that, when we went to a spiritual teaching together. Then two nights ago, when I went to his ball game. All of this, after not seeing him for 6 months. It was very interesting to test myself, to see where I am at, and how I am handling being with him. I feel stronger. A lot has contributed to that, I think.
I've been getting deeper into the Al-Anon program, getting to know more Al-Anon folks, and finding help with that. I finished my NAMI Family-To-Family class and met a very special man, who came to present at our final class, a consumer who does presentations on his path to recovery. We are becoming friends, and he has met my son too. I am finding comfort in his perspective and compassion. I have been writing more, and trying to let myself go to places I normally avoid, to let my emotions out, and trust that I can handle it. All of this is good, since I am seeing, more and more, that I will only be as good for my son, as I can be for myself. I need to be well, so I can be well for him. And I have not been well.
So, where am I at today? What do I think of the 2nd Step? Am I ready for the 2nd Step even? I think I am. At least, to start looking at it. I think I can say, with a great deal of certainty, that I understand and agree with step 1. I am powerless over things, pretty much everything, and even though that has been hard to admit, I feel a loosening, a softening, a sense of relief growing. It has been SUCH a burden to carry this belief, thinking that I had that much power! So I feel a certain amount of gratefulness, gladness, to be relieved of that responsibility. Whew! It does not mean that I still don't feel scared, nervous, anxious and a whole bunch of other feelings. But at least I can begin to see what is my work and what is not. I think.
So, the 2nd Step: Let's look at that. "Came to believe..." Yesterday that struck me. Came to believe, not came to know, came to understand,etc. Why believe? I have to admit, I am not into blind obedience. I don't want a bunch more beliefs to be caught-up with. Been there, done that. So why "believe"? The definition of "Belief" is a conviction or trust in something before all the facts are available, or experience has proven it to be true. A "leap of faith", so to speak. So, to come to believe in something, does not imply that you have to have seen it working yet, or proven it yet to yourself. Just that you are willing to believe it enough to try, to open yourself to the "possibility", that it might be true. Heavy! Can I do that?
Can I "come to believe" anything? Well, in truth, I do it all the time. Anytime I reach out for assistance, help or support. Anytime I ask someone to do something for, or with, me I am suspending judgement. I am putting faith in, and trusting, that they will do what they say they will. Deliver the goods, follow through. We do it all the time. All the time we trust that things will go, "according to plan" So, would I hesitate to do this because there was a chance it wouldn't work out? No. And it sometimes doesn't. In fact, there will be times when it definitely doesn't. But does that stop me from moving forward? No. Does that stop me from putting faith and trust in others all the time? NO. Because many more times it does seem to work out. So should I hesitated now? Maybe not. What do I have to lose? Nothing. So I might as well try.....Also heavy.
Next question. "Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves...." So, again, I do think that there is a "Power" greater than myself. All I have to do is look around. There is so much wonder in the world beyond imagining. At least for my puny little mind. And yet, there it is! The shear magnitude of creation, it's diversity and beauty is staggering. How can you not fall down in awe? There is, most definitely, Power greater than ourselves. So, can I believe in that Power? Can I at least be willing to try this experiment? Give myself to this belief and allow it to prove, or disprove itself to me? I have nothing to lose, really, except my pain. So, I will allow myself to believe, for now, unless proven otherwise.
"Came to believe that a Power, greater than ourselves, could restore us to sanity" So, am I saying that I see that there is a Power grater than myself at work in the world? And, am I saying that I am willing to believe in this Power, for the time being? But, now, am I being asked to believe that this Power could restore me, and not only that, but restore me to sanity? How do I feel about that? What does it mean to restore something? The definition of restore is to bring back to one's original condition, to it's original state of health. So, did I have an original state? And if so, how did I lose it? How can it be restored? What is my original state too, if this is not it? Some really important questions. How do I answer them? How can I know these things to be true? I am being asked to believe, but how will I know when I know?
Anther question: What is sanity? I've asked this before. But is this step implying that an original state, one I may have known before, was sane? But what I am now is not? When was I like this before? How does my relationship to this "Power greater than myself", ensure that this state of sanity will be restored? I am not being asked to know this now. I am not being asked to understand this now. I am just being asked to "believe" that this is so. To believe, which means to hang out with it, try it, see what happens. To believe that this Power that I see and feel, can restore things, and can restore me. Not only that it can restore me, but it can restore me to sanity. This would imply that trying to believe one is this Power, or has this Power, is part of what has caused my "insanity". And by trusting in, and believing in this Power, a long lost sense of sanity will be restored. Interesting.
But how? How can, by believing in this Power, it have the ability to restore me, and restore me to sanity? Well, the step is not saying that I have to believe this now. It is saying that I can "come" to believe it. You cannot come to something, unless you have traveled to get to it. Unless you have had a journey. A quest. So does this mean I need to start this journey? How do I start this journey? How can I experience, and know, the restorative abilities of this Power? Specifically, the ability to restore sanity? So many questions. But, can questions help me on this journey? Is that how I will be restored? By questioning? My mind can spin in a million directions. I know this. I have seen it spin out of control too. I have seen it create terrifying versions of reality based on my fears.
Where am I at now? I am being asked to "come to believe", in this "Power" and in this Power's ability to "restore" me, and restore me to "sanity". It sounds good. It sounds desirable. If that is what will decrease this pain, fear, anxiety and worry I am dealing with, I am interested. So, how do I start? How do I come to believe? And how do I come to believe that this Power will restore me? And how do I come to believe that this Power will restore me to sanity? I guess I will "start" with asking this Power to do this. It can't hurt! "Higher Power, I ask you to restore me to sanity. I ask you to do whatever you can, and in what ever ways necessary, to bring me back to my original state of sanity, peace and serenity." It's a start. Thank you.
Thanks for listening!
Keep coming back :)
Looking forward to: Al-Anon meeting tonight.
Challenge: Not worrying about my son.
Music: " Shrink ", By Julian Dawson. A great song about depression by an English artist affiliated with the great Richard Thompson.
Garden: Green! All things growing and gorgeous.
Step 1-
" Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity "
So, I have been avoiding this blog for the last couple of weeks. Funny too, since some very important things have happened in this time. Also, funny too, since when I do write in it, I feel better. It helps me to ground, to clear my head and such. I have gotten a chance to spend some time with my son again. Once, when we drove to his last court appearance a little over a week ago. A few days after that, when we went to a spiritual teaching together. Then two nights ago, when I went to his ball game. All of this, after not seeing him for 6 months. It was very interesting to test myself, to see where I am at, and how I am handling being with him. I feel stronger. A lot has contributed to that, I think.
I've been getting deeper into the Al-Anon program, getting to know more Al-Anon folks, and finding help with that. I finished my NAMI Family-To-Family class and met a very special man, who came to present at our final class, a consumer who does presentations on his path to recovery. We are becoming friends, and he has met my son too. I am finding comfort in his perspective and compassion. I have been writing more, and trying to let myself go to places I normally avoid, to let my emotions out, and trust that I can handle it. All of this is good, since I am seeing, more and more, that I will only be as good for my son, as I can be for myself. I need to be well, so I can be well for him. And I have not been well.
So, where am I at today? What do I think of the 2nd Step? Am I ready for the 2nd Step even? I think I am. At least, to start looking at it. I think I can say, with a great deal of certainty, that I understand and agree with step 1. I am powerless over things, pretty much everything, and even though that has been hard to admit, I feel a loosening, a softening, a sense of relief growing. It has been SUCH a burden to carry this belief, thinking that I had that much power! So I feel a certain amount of gratefulness, gladness, to be relieved of that responsibility. Whew! It does not mean that I still don't feel scared, nervous, anxious and a whole bunch of other feelings. But at least I can begin to see what is my work and what is not. I think.
So, the 2nd Step: Let's look at that. "Came to believe..." Yesterday that struck me. Came to believe, not came to know, came to understand,etc. Why believe? I have to admit, I am not into blind obedience. I don't want a bunch more beliefs to be caught-up with. Been there, done that. So why "believe"? The definition of "Belief" is a conviction or trust in something before all the facts are available, or experience has proven it to be true. A "leap of faith", so to speak. So, to come to believe in something, does not imply that you have to have seen it working yet, or proven it yet to yourself. Just that you are willing to believe it enough to try, to open yourself to the "possibility", that it might be true. Heavy! Can I do that?
Can I "come to believe" anything? Well, in truth, I do it all the time. Anytime I reach out for assistance, help or support. Anytime I ask someone to do something for, or with, me I am suspending judgement. I am putting faith in, and trusting, that they will do what they say they will. Deliver the goods, follow through. We do it all the time. All the time we trust that things will go, "according to plan" So, would I hesitate to do this because there was a chance it wouldn't work out? No. And it sometimes doesn't. In fact, there will be times when it definitely doesn't. But does that stop me from moving forward? No. Does that stop me from putting faith and trust in others all the time? NO. Because many more times it does seem to work out. So should I hesitated now? Maybe not. What do I have to lose? Nothing. So I might as well try.....Also heavy.
Next question. "Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves...." So, again, I do think that there is a "Power" greater than myself. All I have to do is look around. There is so much wonder in the world beyond imagining. At least for my puny little mind. And yet, there it is! The shear magnitude of creation, it's diversity and beauty is staggering. How can you not fall down in awe? There is, most definitely, Power greater than ourselves. So, can I believe in that Power? Can I at least be willing to try this experiment? Give myself to this belief and allow it to prove, or disprove itself to me? I have nothing to lose, really, except my pain. So, I will allow myself to believe, for now, unless proven otherwise.
"Came to believe that a Power, greater than ourselves, could restore us to sanity" So, am I saying that I see that there is a Power grater than myself at work in the world? And, am I saying that I am willing to believe in this Power, for the time being? But, now, am I being asked to believe that this Power could restore me, and not only that, but restore me to sanity? How do I feel about that? What does it mean to restore something? The definition of restore is to bring back to one's original condition, to it's original state of health. So, did I have an original state? And if so, how did I lose it? How can it be restored? What is my original state too, if this is not it? Some really important questions. How do I answer them? How can I know these things to be true? I am being asked to believe, but how will I know when I know?
Anther question: What is sanity? I've asked this before. But is this step implying that an original state, one I may have known before, was sane? But what I am now is not? When was I like this before? How does my relationship to this "Power greater than myself", ensure that this state of sanity will be restored? I am not being asked to know this now. I am not being asked to understand this now. I am just being asked to "believe" that this is so. To believe, which means to hang out with it, try it, see what happens. To believe that this Power that I see and feel, can restore things, and can restore me. Not only that it can restore me, but it can restore me to sanity. This would imply that trying to believe one is this Power, or has this Power, is part of what has caused my "insanity". And by trusting in, and believing in this Power, a long lost sense of sanity will be restored. Interesting.
But how? How can, by believing in this Power, it have the ability to restore me, and restore me to sanity? Well, the step is not saying that I have to believe this now. It is saying that I can "come" to believe it. You cannot come to something, unless you have traveled to get to it. Unless you have had a journey. A quest. So does this mean I need to start this journey? How do I start this journey? How can I experience, and know, the restorative abilities of this Power? Specifically, the ability to restore sanity? So many questions. But, can questions help me on this journey? Is that how I will be restored? By questioning? My mind can spin in a million directions. I know this. I have seen it spin out of control too. I have seen it create terrifying versions of reality based on my fears.
Where am I at now? I am being asked to "come to believe", in this "Power" and in this Power's ability to "restore" me, and restore me to "sanity". It sounds good. It sounds desirable. If that is what will decrease this pain, fear, anxiety and worry I am dealing with, I am interested. So, how do I start? How do I come to believe? And how do I come to believe that this Power will restore me? And how do I come to believe that this Power will restore me to sanity? I guess I will "start" with asking this Power to do this. It can't hurt! "Higher Power, I ask you to restore me to sanity. I ask you to do whatever you can, and in what ever ways necessary, to bring me back to my original state of sanity, peace and serenity." It's a start. Thank you.
Thanks for listening!
Keep coming back :)
Looking forward to: Al-Anon meeting tonight.
Challenge: Not worrying about my son.
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
Step 2- Day 35
Mood: Headache. Pollen everywhere. A bit tired. Still trying to catch up on last sleep from staying up too many nights watching re-runs of old TV shows. I get so obsessive sometimes...
Music: "Jessica", by The Allman Brothers. An classic, free-wheeling AB instrumental jam. A joyous ride down memory lane. A great melody. It does remind me of happy Summer road trips:)
Garden: Mowed!! Did it last night after work. Lush. green, full. So nice. Doesn't take too long too. Just my kind of lawn. Just in-time for the rain! Just in time for hay fever!! Oh well.
Step 2 -
"Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity"
Ah, here we are, back with power with a capitol "P". I am still grappling with that. I hesitate to attach myself to things that seem other-worldly. First you have to understand who "you" are, before you can say what this thing that is greater than yourself is. And you have to decide if you even agree that there is something greater than yourself, let alone what it might be or look like.
I mean who am I, and how does that relate or EVERYTHING else? Conventionally, I would say that I am a person. A hominid. A human animal. An animal that thinks, talks, and can believe things. A human animal that has habits, tendencies, socialization and has been raised in a certain culture. Not all humans are alike, even if we share the same basic traits and characteristics.
Next, I would want to want to see how this one human animal relates to the other human animals in her immediate environment. I am an older human animal. I have offspring. I have a family, some of whom are still living, though I do not live with any of them. They are spread out around the country. I live in a a town and community of other humans; friends, neighbors and the like, not related.
I have a home, a job, co-workers, I can read and write. I speak N. American English. I have some education, average for my time and place. I am not rich or poor. I have enough of all the basic necessities and some extra. So by the vast majority on the planet, I am actually very well off. I am comfortable, in every sense of the word.
And yet, I sit here writing this blog feeling unfulfilled. Not happy. Discontent. So the question next is, if I have all the basic material needs met, then what part of me is not happy, not satisfied? I feel emotionally lack luster, which is better today, than the days when I feel truly unhappy, afraid, lonely or angry. But still, what can cause these feelings when all my other needs are met? What more could I need, really? What do I feel is lacking? What do I think I still need?
So if I am a human animal, part of a community of human animals, and withing that community I am taken care of, needs met, then what about this arrangement is not working? The question that is posed in this step is that there is a state of mind that is needing to be restored. It is stating that I am not sane, and that my sanity needs to be restored. But was it ever lost, and if so, how and when? But what is sanity?
1. (noun) sanity
the condition or quality of being sane; soundness of health of body or mind, especially of the mind;saneness
the condition or quality of being sane; soundness of health of body or mind, especially of the mind;saneness
2. (adj) sane
mentally sound; possessing a rational mind; having the mental faculties in such condition as to be able to anticipate and judge of the effect of one's actions in an ordinary maner; -- said of persons
mentally sound; possessing a rational mind; having the mental faculties in such condition as to be able to anticipate and judge of the effect of one's actions in an ordinary maner; -- said of persons
OK, so if sanity or being sane is a state of mind then how does one loose it? It is stated that a sane mind is a rational mind, that is bale to judge the effects of one's actions in an ordinary manner. And other's actions, for that matter. So being insane would be the opposite. It would be irrational and not able to judge the effects of you, or another's actions , in an ordinary manner. Ordinary manner being everyday, common place, mundane. Your day-to-day life.
So ordinary life is impaired by this irrational thinking and behavior. I would say that is true in-terms of addictions and other disorders, mental or otherwise. Everyday life is disrupted. Things which seem common place become complicated or impossible to relate to or accomplish. Whether it is your condition, or the condition of another, your life is thrown into an upheaval.
Thanks for listening!
Keep coming back:)
Looking forward to: A day off.....
Challenges: "Letting go and letting God....."
Saturday, May 15, 2010
Step 1 - Day 33
Mood: Confused. I went to court with my son yesterday, who is now back in-touch with me, but I am feeling confused about "who" I am dealing with.
Music: "Johnny Too Bad", By Taj Mahal. Taj's re-make of a Jimmy Cliff song. A song about a man running from the law......Not unlike my son, but maybe for different reasons.
Garden: Running wild. Still need to mow. Beautiful wildflowers everywhere. Almost a shame to butcher them with spinning blades. We'll see...
Step 1-
"We admitted we were powerless over alcohol, that our lives had become unmanageable"
I looked on the calender and realized I had gone over the time-frame set out for the blog, of 1-step-per-month. I think I was ready to change, but my now doing the blog for a week, I had just forgotten what I had set for myself as goal. This is good, because I am ready for a new step, even if just for now. I know steps a worked on all-at-once, in-reality, but the intensity of visiting it for a month solid does have it's effects. So on to the next step......
Thanks for listening!
Keep coming back:)
Looking forward to: See my teachers tonight, a talk.
Challenge: Wondering if my son will come with me tonight, actually.
Saturday, May 8, 2010
Step 1 - Day 26
Mood: Churning. I've been more aware these last few days of the particular brand of neurosis I subscribe to. What I am doing, every moment of every day, mentally. Not sure it will ever change, but at least I am seeing it more than I have.
Music: "Spanish Castle", by Jimi Hendrix. Great song for a raining day, to make you fel kick-ass when it is otherwise soggy, dreary and sleepy.
Garden: Wet! The lilacs are starting to bloom. I have been loving the progression of the various species of flora that are volunteering themselves for my enjoyment. I'm waiting for another dry day to mow the lawn now. It finally really needs it.
Step 1-
"We admitted we were powerless over ___(alcohol)-that our lives had become unmanageable"
So, if anyone noticed, I haven't written anything for the last two days. was it laziness? Overwhelm? Avoidance? Or a combination of all the above. So be it. It is past. I know I just didn't want to write. I decided not to hammer myself about it for a change. I have been feeling the weight of realization, but it has not been feeling liberating. It has felt painful. Not more stuff that I do! Yuck! I am very attached, I guess, to the significance of what it is I do or am. There seems to be an ideal of what is good, right or expected. And then there is what I do, which is somehow not. So much judgement, internally, all the time. Where did it all come from? And why do I feel I come up short most of the time?
Thanks for listening!
Keep coming back:)
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
Step 1 - Day 23
Mood: Mellow. I decreased my Kava Kave and tried to relax more, not give myself a huge to-do list. Things got done and I actually enjoyed doing them. Even washing the kitchen floor:)
Music: "On The Road Again", by the Memphis Jug Band. Old-timey Delta jug band. Pioneer music.
Garden: Raking some more. Finished the back and am enjoying all the wild flowers springing up on the lawn before I mow it for the first time. Almost a shame. Loving my Hoesta too!!
Step 1-
"We admitted we were powerless over ____(alcohol)-that our lives had become unmanageable."
Today has been somewhat different. I decided when I woke up, at 7 am, that I would go easy on myself. I decided to just do what seemed to come. It was a lovely day, sun and somewhat cloudy, but just the right temperature-not too humid, not too cool. I read from my CTC reader and sat on the porch having breakfast. I tried to stay present, just watch things, my thoughts and emotions, as well as what arose in-terms of activity. I knew I had an appt. with my counselor at 2:30 pm, otherwise I decided to leave it open. I noticed that a part of me still needed to make a list and chart of what could happen at what time of day. So I made the list.
I watched as the list became before 2;230 pm and after 3:30 pm, then evening. As things fell into each category I noticed some had more "juice" than others. Maybe a better way to put it would be less resistance. I went forward with what beckoned. I made bread, washed the dishes, put new flea collars on the cats then decided to shake out all the rugs. That naturally led to changing the cat litter, sweeping and washing the kitchen floor. As that dried I decided to go out and rake the leaves behind the house. That done I came in a finished by sweeping the floors and putting all the rugs back. The whole time I did these things I just watched myself doing them.
What occurred was that time "slowed" down. I became content to just do what I was doing. I did not think of what was next, or how long the activity would take. I just thought, "it will be done when it is done, the I will see what needs doing next." I found that each activity took the time it did and I did not have a lot of internal chatter, thinking about what was worrying me, what I needed to still get done, how I was doing and if I would see my son soon. I found this time gave me a mental vacation that I had not had in a while. I felt refreshed after doing all these chores, things I was actually thinking about avoiding earlier, to do things I thought I wanted to do more, like reading books, emailing, writing the blog and what not. I did not miss any of that.
I went to my appointment and talked with my counselor about my recent severe self-abuse, that left me feeling so weak and tired, drained and disgusted. I also talked about my morning before coming to see her. I compared the set up to each situation and found that I was using the events of my son's diagnosis with mental illness, and his not being in contact with me, to open up a whole host of negative opinions, critiques and self-talk. I also saw that it went further back than that. I went back to every man in my life, past and present, whom I craved approval from, on one level or another. Starting with my father, my ex-husband, the father of my son, a man I had an unrequited love interest in, that I still had to see on a regular basis and my son. I has strong attachment to what all of these men thought of me, and my resulting consequent self-esteem.
I left the appointment and was thinking about errands I could do in a town about 25 mls. away, then realized that I would not make the main place I wanted to go, by 4:30 pm, when they closed. I decided to walk next door and see if the beauty parlor could take me as a walk-in, since I needed a Spring trim. The one attendant there said she had been quiet for more than and hour and welcomed me to sit down. I had a very nice time being pampered by her and walked out still feeling like I was getting things I needed to get done on my list. I decided to return home and do what came next. When I returned home I made and early dinner, put the bread away which had cooled and sat down to write this blog. Still, everything seemed to be flowing and I continued to watch.
Now, I am about to head out to my Al-Anon meeting in about 3o min and I want to reflect, briefly, on what I read in the CTC reader earlier today. It said, " Humility was a tough concept for me to comprehend. Taught from childhood to place the wants and needs of others always above my own, I equated humility with taking care of others and ignoring my own feelings and needs.....I begin to learn humility when I take the First Step. By admitting that I am powerless, I make room for the possibility that a Power greater than myself can do all those things that are beyond my reach. I other words I begin to learn what is, and is not, my responsibility. As this becomes clear I am better able to do my part, for myself and others, and better able to ask God to do the rest."
What this reading means to me today, is that there is a plan for my life and others. I could not have written this several months ago, when my son had just been released from jail, homeless, and in the coldest part of Winter. I felt the need to rescue him, even though he was not asking me too. I have been noticing that when I take care of what is mine, and only mine, things get done and I do not feel exhausted and spent from it. I could only do this because I am having faith, and trust, that the same is true for my son and others in my life.
I am not feeling compulsive to rescue right now, but I am still struggling with what my son's illness means in-terms of who I am, as a parent, a mother and if I am responsible for that. This is still a daily reflection, because I am not convinced that I am off-the-hook, or that there is a Higher Power out there, but I do feel less frantic when I am not trying to rescue the world. Maybe the world does not need to be rescued, or at least not by me, and I can concentrate on what I can do, which is take care of me. This taking care is not just in the form of keeping my home clean though, it is also in the much deeper way of not being my own worst enemy. I have been the harshest critique and have lambasted myself continually for my son's condition.
The CTC reader goes on with a daily reminder, saying, " part of learning humility is learning to contribute to my own well-being. Today I will do something loving for myself that I'd normally do for someone else. Since I haven't done anything but stay home and clean the house, I would say what I have contributed to myself today is to be a better friend. I have often listened to others tell me of their trouble and challenges and tried to be compassionate and kind. I have tried to really listen to them and help them not judge themselves too harshly. I have rarely done this for myself though. In fact, the exact opposite. I have spent hours internally yelling at myself, judging and criticising. I am seldom kind with myself, even when I drop something or am clumsy.
So, for the remainder of the day I will continue to try to watch myself, just watch, without judgement and have greater compassion and forgiveness for the very human person that I am. I will try to just watch if uncharitable thoughts about myself arise in relationship to anything about my son, and just say, "ah, there you are, at it again." I will try to continue to do some nice things for myself and be forgiving of myself if I do not feel the ability to speak in the meeting tonight. I will speak when, and if, I am ready. That is just the way it is, until it is different. Time to get ready!
Thanks for listening!
Keep coming back:)
Looking forward to: Al-Anon meeting tonight and watching a good movie this evening.
Challenges: Staying present with whatever comes-up, and just accept that that is where I am at.
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
Step 1 - Day 22
Mood: Very heavy. Almost like depression. I think I have been taking too much Kava Kava. I notice it goes from mellow to morose if I do. We'll see if tomorrow is better when I cut my dose.
Music: "Love Warriors", by Tuck Andress. An anthem to living by love. I need to find my heart first:)
Garden: Wonderfully smelly. I sat out on the porch and just drank in the scents that were wafting by. Floral. woodsy, grasses, pine. All the smells I love most.......
Step 1-
"We admitted we were powerless of ____(alcohol)-that our lives had become unmanageable."
Today, the way my life feels unmanageable, in-terms of addictions, is that I struggle to think of myself. To care for myself. To love and regard myself. It is amazing how out-of-touch you can become with yourself, when you are constantly worrying about someone else. It feels unmanageable when I think about myself and I would rather be caught-up in someones crisis, then just live a quiet, peaceful life, taking care of my own business. To say I like my life, life who I am and where I am at, is a challenge. Of course, no one can change these things but me too.
So, how do I get to a place where I am really happy with myself and my life? Today's CTC reader said, " Who am I? When I came to Al-Anon I thought I knew the answer to that question, but I discovered that my answers were all out-of-date because I had long ago stopped asking myself who I was. I could tell you about the alcoholics, and everyone else in my life-their likes, dislikes, opinions and feelings- but I had no such answers for myself." Again, wow! How does it keep happening like this, that this little book keeps nailing me? It's like these folks are reading my mind.....Maybe they are :)
So, who am I? And why does that question always make me so uncomfortable? I've spun around that question for years, but it always seems to hinge on what I am willing to feel passionate about, what I care about. To feel passion you have to feel. Why is that so hard for me? Why am I so afraid to admit what I care about, what moves me? If I do then I feel exposed. I feel as though I will be found out. If I am found out then I will somehow be punished? it will be taken away? I will lose it? If I allow myself to feel then I will be vulnerable. I will be disappointed. I will be hurt.
I feel a knot in my stomach just thinking about this. I feel like I have to justify whatever I feel. I feel I have to defend it. I feel whatever I like is suspect. But by whom? It is amazing how much you can hide from yourself. Not know yourself. Be afraid to own who you are. It makes me break into a sweat and I feel anxious writing about this. What if I make a mistake? Will I be stuck? Can I change my mind? Is it OK to be who I am and like what I like? Why should I even have to ask this question? Who am I trying to convince or please? Who or what am I afraid of?
That's all for now.
Thanks for listening!
Keep coming back:)
Looking forward to: Having the day off and meeting with my counselor.
Challenges: Keep looking at what is feeling really painful.
Monday, May 3, 2010
Step 1 - Day 21
Mood: I woke up really tired this morning. Not sure why. Dragged around the house, trying to get ready for work. It's raining, and warm. I sat on the deck eating breakfast and listening to the birds.
Music: "Revival", the Allman Brothers. Does this mean a spiritual revival? Or reviving the senses? Lots of tambourine, like a gospel tent meeting:) "People can you feel it, love is everywhere." Nice.
Garden: Damp. I love smelling all the earthy smells, that the rain brings out. It reminds me of the first few times I left the city, where I grew up, to camp in the woods. It was a spiritual awakening for me. The cats seemed to like it too. We enjoyed our breakfast, all senses alive, with the earth.
Step 1-
"We admitted we were powerless over ___(alcohol)-that our lives had become unmanageable"
When I was at the new Al-Anon meeting last night a man came up to me to welcome me to the meeting. It was after the meeting was over, and he wanted to reassure me that no matter what my experience, nothing I could say would scare him. He had "seen it all". So he hoped I felt comfortable at the meeting. I thanked him for his acceptance of me and my situation.
Then started talking about "our illness" as he put it. The illness of worry and taking responsibility for others. He had talked at the meeting about one of his first Al-Anon meetings and encountering the idea that others addictions were not "something he caused, something he could control, or something he could cure" I said I was trying to understand that, but not sure I agreed with it yet.
He said that the addict has to find their own way to sobriety. Nothing we can do will help that. If they want to drink, or do drugs, get out of their way. Even if they want to drink or drug themselves to death. I said I couldn't handle hearing that, right now, in relationship to my son. I said It scared me too much, and hurt too much, to think about. He said understood, but did not change his stance. He encouraged me to "keep coming back" to the meetings, that is.
Ironically, or not so ironically, when I opened my CTC reader this morning, what should I read? It said, "Detachment. At first it may sound cold and rejecting, not loving at all. But I have come to believe that detachment is actually a wonderful gift: I am allowing my loved ones the privilege and opportunity of being themselves. I do not wish to interfere with anyone's opportunities to discover the joy and self-confidence that can accompany personal achievements. If I am constantly intervening to protect them from painful experiences, I also do them a great disservice. "
I have wanted to protect my son from painful experiences, especially, if having a mental illness means he is at an increased chance of stigma and discrimination. Things are still not great for mentally ill people. Systems are not enlightened. I can be thankful that because of his arrest, he ended up in one of the best jurisdictions in our area. They have a mental health court, which is more enlightened than some, where they will try to treat the illness, the cause, not just the arrests, which are the result. I still hope they will treat him with compassion and respect also.
This is not where I ever thought we would be though. I never in my wildest dreams imagined that he would be at his age, mentally ill, in the judicial system and with almost no resources. It is taking every ounce of faith I have to believe that he will somehow get some support and healing from all this. It still makes me cry at night and makes me worry in the morning. I am still trying to find some serenity with this as well. It is my daily meditation at this point.
The extra spin I seem to add to it all though, is that I am responsible for all of it. That is what I am torturing myself with. I abuse myself mentally with the idea, too, that I am the only one that can help him. Rescue him and maybe "cure" him. Hearing that gentleman say last night what he said, made me remember that I had heard the saying he mentioned before. "I did not cause it, I cannot control it and I cannot cure it" How do these Al-Anon folks know my number so well? How did I get so sick too?
I feel as though, since my son was born, I have been dealing with trauma and difficulty. He was born prematurely, with a stillborn twin. He was somewhat jaundiced and was found to have apnea shortly after. He ended-up on a respiration monitor for the first 6 months of his life. Scary months. Terrifying months. How did that wire us both for all this later? I have always been feeling like I have been rescuing him. His father turned-out to not be that great a dad, not as involved and attentive as I had hoped, so I always felt it was up to me to look out for him.
It is very hard to relinquish that role, when it seems like I have been doing it all his life. Now, when he is at his most vulnerable and needy, I am being told by his caseworker and by him, to stay out of it. Let him have some space. I want to trust and believe that he will be OK, that he will land on his feet, but why does he always choose the hardest road? I worry that he feels he has to do it alone, and that he shouldn't ask for help. Not been a burden or a bother? When is it OK to help him them?
I am just going to have to turn it over to Higher Power, because I obviously don't know what to do. I still feel guilt at having anything good happen in my life, when I am not sure if he is OK. Today's reminder is, "Sometimes it is more loving to allow someone else to experience the natural consequences of their own actions , even when it is painful for both of us. In the long run both of us will benefit. Today I will put love first in my life." OK, Higher Power. I am ready for you to remove the pain and worry I am feeling about my son, and give me the ability to trust in you, for both our sakes.
Thanks for listening!
Keep coming back:)
Looking forward to: Relaxing at home and trying to feel some joy.
Challenges: Trusting more in Higher Power.
Sunday, May 2, 2010
Step 1 - Day 20
Mood: I did another number on my self this morning. I woke up feeling good enough, but then my mind went to town on myself, seeing all my faults and weaknesses, and then I put myself in a thorough funk. Where does all this crap come from? This nasty, defeating and self-loathing voice?
Music: "Sir Duke", by Stevie Wonder. Fun and funky. Gets you up and dancing. I just wish I had played it earlier, when I needed that kind of pick-me-up.
Garden: Lazy and warm. Almost 80 degrees. The cats are napping in the shade of the porch.
Step 1:
"We admitted we were powerless over___(alcohol)-that our lives had become unmanageable"
Where does this internal spew come from? Why do I just persist in telling myself, quietly in my own head, what a fuck-up I am? I start to thinking about everything that I feel is less than wonderful about myself; my weight, my parenting, my accomplishments or lack of them, my family life, my lack of close friends, etc. On and on and on. There is no end to the list sometimes.
I don't see how I can stand myself, but I do. In fact, I believe what this voice is saying. Then I watch my mood slip down to a pace that I am oh, so familiar with. A place of comfortable misery. Somehow, I have become very familiar with this place. It is so comfortable in-fact, that I often don't even notice that I am there, yet again. Like an old, dirty sock. I just seem to steep and stew in that place a lot. It's gross, actually. How do we become to used to our pain? So willing to accept it?
I flipped open the CTC reader and read this for today. "Sometimes I spend so much time staring at my problems that I miss the guidance I am being given. When I let go of the need to do it by myself, I can listen to others and receive direction from my Higher Power. I become better able to move beyond my problems and start solving them....When I accept that help often comes in unexpected forms, I can release my hold on the problem and become willing to receive help."
So, if my problem is the ugly, mean-spirited self-talk I do to myself, how can I eliminate that? How can I stop verbally abusing myself, for a change? How can I stop treating myself worse than anyone else does, so I can start knowing what it feels like to respect, and maybe even love myself? What a concept! NO one can do it for me till I can do it for myself.
I think what made it hard for me to write much about yesterdays topic, and finish yesterdays blog, was the same issue. I was feeling overwhelmed by my own self-loathing. Yesterdays topic was about what you feel you need, before you can be happy. All the conditions you put on your happiness. It could be things, it could be relationships or it could be states of mind,etc. My happiness seems to come down to the state of happiness itself. Can I eve live in that place, and not this perpetual cesspool of pain?
I feel a lot of failure that I have negative feelings too. I see that as a weakness. I desire to be free of all feelings of fear, anger or anything that doesn't feel good. I also see this a personal failure that I cannot seem to "control" those thoughts. That I am at the mercy of them all the time. They cause emotional upset, and I go around in a funk. A state of disgust with myself. Adding insult to injury. So, is this really in my control? If this is a form of addiction, an addiction to negative thought? Am I powerless over this?
Today's reading is about accepting help, once we stop trying to solve our own problems all the time. If this is a big problem for me, negative thoughts towards myself, then how do I "let go and let God"? Do I just ask Higher Power to take these negative thoughts away? Do I ask that my self-loathing and self-hatred be removed? How can I know there is a Higher Power to ask this of as well? It's one thing to ask. It's another thing to have faith, to believe, that it will happen.
I just came back from another Al-Anon meeting, this time a few towns over from mine. I wanted to see what this new group might be like. It was small, nine people, but I spoke for the first time. I was encouraged that there was some guidance being given when I heard other people at the meeting talking about the negative self-talk and worry that runs through their minds and that over time, working the program, they saw it diminish. That was very good to hear!
It really is an illness when you incessantly worry about someone else. It is harder, I think, to not have that worry when it is your child. While they grow up, you are supposed to think about them, but at some point you are supposed to transfer that over to Higher Power. Maybe I don't trust and believe in Higher Power enough to "let go and let God", in this case as well. So how can I be reassured? How can I be convinced, so I don't feel the job is all mine anymore?
This will be the question for tomorrow. I will ask Higher Power to help me to feel greater trust and faith, that it is there not only helping me, but also my son. I have been a spiritual person, in the past. Not a religious person, but I have entertained that there is some kind of master plan, or planner, responsible for all this. What is harder, is when you have to accept that what appears to be "bad" may also be part of that plan. Especially so, if it happens to someone you love.....
Thanks for listening!
Keep coming back:)
What to look forward to: Another quiet day at home.
Challenges: Finding greater faith and trust in Higher Power.
Saturday, May 1, 2010
Step 1 - Day 19
Mood: I woke up very early and lay in bed, just listening to the birds. Then my mind started to wander and I really got myself in a funk about my son. So much for staying in the present.
Music: "St. Teresa", by Joan Osbourne. Sad song about street people. Not a cheery thought to inject into my day, with me still worrying about my son and all.
Garden: Chirpy. Lots and lots of birds coming in to check things out. My cats have their tails twitching, almost spastic, from this sudden movable feast. How would you feel if hundreds of pieces of chocolate with wings suddenly landed on your lawn?
Step 1-
"We admitted we were powerless over ___(alcohol)-that our lives had become unmanageable"
I woke up in a good mood but started to dwell on all the ways I feel I am less than lovable. I kept thinking about all the things that I wished were different with my life. At the top of the list was my son's condition and the state of our relationship as well. I found myself appealing to Higher Power to give me everything I really want, if it is the will of same. I had a LONG list I started to think how much I want and need to make me happy, or so it would seem. I know. I am good at this one. Too good. I flipped open the CTC reader. CTC is Courage To Change, for short. I will use this instead, from now on. Well, yet again, the reader nailed me. Nailed me hard.
It made me wonder if these entries are written to follow each other in some magical way. Like brain washing or mind control. Imagine, all Al-Anon folks reading the same ideas each morning. A giant mass meditation would be occurring, on the same topic. Imagine the psychic breakthroughs that can happen when so many people are dwelling on the same thoughts, at the same time, in terms of world healing. Interesting......So, here is what the CTC had to say today, " At a recent Al-Anon meeting we were asked to fill in the blank in this statement: "If only ____would happen, I would be happy". Obviously, happiness cannot be conditional, but 9/10ths of what we do is based on bargaining and deal-making. If_____, then _____. I need ____, then ______. All I need is ______, then _______. Even when you think you are just asking for one thing, albeit a large thing, it's still something.
I left this blog today, and now I am coming back to it, but I am not feeling inspired to write. I am going to give myself a break this time, and go to bed early, to read a book I have really wanted to read more of, I've just been too busy, or too tired. I will allow myself this, without guilt or shame. I have been working hard, trying to understand myself better, so a little fun with not be a cop out. I know this sounds like I am giving an explanation, or an excuse, but it is not. I am actually trying to just tell myself that it is OK to not go full tilt boogie, all the time, that a break, or some fun is also OK. OK, so now I am going to go have that fun I have been talking about for the entire paragraph!!
Thanks for listening!
Keep coming back*smile*
Looking forward to: another quiet evening at home tomorrow night.
Challenge: to be inside at work tomorrow, on another beautiful day!
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