Step 1 - Day 18

Mood: Teary. Not sure why. I just feel like I am carrying a lot of weight around. Internal weight. Pressure. I'm tired from all the groups I am part of where I feel I am being shown what I need to change about myself. I need to hear what is OK with me right now, for a change.

Music: "Don't Rock My Boat", by Bob Marley. It's a love song, but it's also about respecting yourself, and not accepting less than you deserve from your relationships.

Garden: Windy. Sunny. Back on track for Spring. The grass is almost ready to be mowed for the first time this season. The hyacinths survived the recent insult of snow. It's almost time to put up the hammock.

Step 1-

"We admitted that we were powerless over ____(alcohol)-that our lives had become unmanageable"

I have been feeling uncomfortable about what I have been writing the last few days in this blog. I finally realized why. It wasn't until after my NAMI class last night, where we were discussing responsible communication styles, that I realized I have been using a lot of "You" statements. In class we learned more about "I" versus "You" statements. I have been introduced to this before, but I could stand to hear it as many times as I am willing. We also learned about reflective listening, which I have also heard of before. All of these styles of communication help to own your own feelings in what you are saying. It is supposed to prevent the "blame game", in which you tell others how they are responsible for your feelings. To tell them how they should live their lives. I cannot know that for anyone else.

I am unconscious about my communication more often then I care to admit. I think I am most unconscious when I feel threatened, judged or attacked. I use it as a defense, to not feel the shame that is already so close to the surface, most of the time. I don't need people to tell me I make mistakes. I find it hard to treat myself with gentleness and forgiveness. I am always surprised when people think I do something well. But I don't want to leave my self-esteem in other people's hands. I want to have the ability to hold myself with enough regard, that I don't loose my serenity when I am shown that I made an error. Even if the person doing the critiquing is not doing it in a kind way, it can still be hard for me to hear. When it particularly is, I react and get defensive.

So, when I write in this blog, I am going to try to stick with "I" statements, about how the 12 steps have worked for me and not get preachy, not make blanket statements about how it will work for "you". How "you" can look at things or how "you" will feel, if you do what I have done, is not in my control. I don't know any of that. I only know how it has worked for me. If it works for you that way, great. But, nothing I say to "You" about how "you" can do something will necessarily help you. If you hear something I have done for myself, and it works for you, great! Otherwise, as they say in Al-Anon, "take what you like, and leave the rest." As I write this it just feels better. It feels "right" so I should take that as a cue, in how I relate to others.

OK, so on to the next topic. In the Al-Anon "Courage To Change" daily reader today it said, " When I put my experiences into words, they seem more real and I am less likely to push them aside. As a result, I can often face problems when they are only slight irritations and deal with them before they grow and take over. Today I am not so interested in high drama; I'd rather have a real life." I feel that is why I am writing this blog. It helps to put what swims around in my head into words, to acknowledge the feelings, so I can deal with them and not ignore them. Last night I was missing my son, particularly when at the NAMI meeting. We were talking about more effective ways to communicate with our mentally ill relatives. My son does not live with my anymore, and he is choosing to not be in-contact with. So, it is hard to practice, when he is not here to talk with. I was jealous of the others for having that opportunity.

So what is a real life? How would that look for me? A real life would be one in which I am accepting of my situation. Accepting of who I love, and what their lives are like. I would not hide my feelings, but I would not be controlled by them. I would not try to control other peoples feelings as well, even if they make me uncomfortable. A real life would be one in which I am continuing to grow and challenge myself, and have the confidence that I can weather any storm. A real life would be one in which I see that I am a good person, in spite of my flaws, and that I am worthy of love any way. A real life would be in which I can give that same kind of acceptance and love to others, in spite of their flaws.

So how would a life look like for me without drama? A life without drama would be one in which I try to meet my responsibilities without letting them develop into crisis. A life without drama would be one in which I try to communicate with others openly and honestly, and not let things fester, so that conflicts or issues can hopefully be resolved. If not resolved, then at least agree to disagree, or to accept that sometimes things will not go the way I want them to. A life without drama would be one in which I try to treat people with respect and and kindness. That does not mean I have to like them, or what they do, but I can try to remember that no matter what, they are deserving of respect, as much I am. They also are worthy of kindness, even if they are not capable of it. Drama is high emotion that deflects resolution of conflict, rather than seeks to support it and bring it about.

So, how can I face my problems while they are still slight irritations and before they grow and take over? First, I would have to acknowledge what my problems are. What constitutes a real problem in my life right now? The greatest problem in my life right now is how to be the best mother to my son I can be. To me that means trying to find, and sustain, as much sanity as I possibly can. It means trying not to add to his burden, by my own clinging, and lack of trust in his Higher Power. It means taking care of my self, and my life, so I can be the greatest support that I can be, if the opportunity arises. It also means trying to understand, as best I can, what it is like to be him right now, so I can have healthy and reasonable expectations for him and for me.

So, can I say I was able to face this problem before it grew and took over? Well, in the not too distant past, that was not the case. I spent two years, while he was living with me, after dropping out of college, feeling scared all the time. I felt like he was out of control and I was out of control too. I tried to control him and was a complete wreck. I didn't understand that it was mental illness that we were dealing with, but it wouldn't have mattered. If I had had the tools of Al-Anon to use then, I could have been more sane and had more serenity, as we tried to sort out what was happening. I am hoping that this new path I am on will give me those tools, and show me those approaches, that will show me how to be a better person. This does not mean that my son will have changed. It will mean, hopefully, that I will have. Because, that's what I can control.

So, how is writing this blog helping me to see that my experiences are more real, and not push them aside? I feel like writing this blog each day is giving me a chance to reflect on the ideas of Al-Anon, but through the real lens of my real life. This has been helpful so far. I have been used to just dwelling in my head and never sharing what I am feeling and thinking, thinking that no one would want to hear it. Somehow, when others speak, it is meaningful. When I speak, I believe that no one wants to listen. So I mostly don't speak. In the past I have envied others for their confidence and belief in their value and worth. Now, I am going to keep believing in my worth and value, and that my experience has meaning too. I must be the first person to acknowledge this though. If I don't, no one else will. That is still hard, but I am working on it.

So, where does that leave me right now, tonight? It leaves me continuing to feel hope growing, that I can handle this. Handle my life. Handle my relationships, whether with my son, or others in-general. I feel I am getting a picture, that is growing in my head, of how a life lived with greater ease and self-acceptance could look like. I am getting an idea of how greater serenity feels like and how that feeling of ease helps in doing all the things in my life I am trying to do. I am getting a greater appreciation for what true community, built on deep trust and acceptance, can look and feel like. Through my contacts with people through Al-Anon, I am experiencing that more every day. I am starting to trust in a Higher Power that can bring this change to my life. And if I accept it, it will continue to grow. This all gives me a sense of faith and trust, as well as hope.

Thanks for listening!

Keep coming back:)

Looking forward to: A relaxing Saturday evening.

Challenges: Dealing with my missing of my son, and hoping he is happy and well.

Step 1 - Day 17

Mood: Rested. Hopeful. It is good to have community, in times of need and challenge. Thank you my Al-Anon friends, you know who you are:) Sometimes you just need to know you are not alone in this crazy thing called LIFE.

Music: " In the Pretty Clump Of Flowers, The Violet Grows", by The Orlando Consort. Lilting choral music with four voices singing, and interweaving the same melody, sharing notes with each other. A great example of the power of "community" Common unity.

Garden. Recovering. The snow is all gone. The daffodils and other flowers survived. Things are warming up again. It is supposed to be up to almost 70 degrees today! Global warming??

Step 1:

"We admitted we were powerless against___(alcohol)-that our lives had become unmanageable"

Last night's Al-Anon meeting was pretty intense for me. It was the first time I almost cried. I do not like to cry, in general, but particularly not in a group of strangers. Well, sort of strangers. New friends, I guess. I know it would have been OK to cry there, and completely understood, but I was just not ready to let down my guard like that-there. The topic was acceptance. I mentioned this previously, in the last blog.

What got to me though, was a woman who spoke about trying to accept that her parents, both drunks, did they best they could. She said it was hardest to accept the things that happened to her, bad things when she was little, because of their drinking. When they drank she felt they stopped protecting her, stopped being aware of what happened to her. She said she had to find a way to accept that they did do the best they could, with what they had, even though it was not enough. Whew! That struck a cord.

On the flip side, the quote from the Al-Anon reader today, came from the opposite direction, but with the same message. This is what it said, " I grew up with guilt and blame, amidst harsh criticism and constant fear. Even now, after years of Al-Anon recovery, when past mistakes come to mind I tend to react with guilt, exaggerating the significance of my errors and thinking very badly of myself". This is like a recipe for forgiveness, for oneself, and others.

If I have to accept that others did the best they could, then I also have to accept that I did the best I could as well. So, where does that leave you? It means that what happened, happened. Everyone was just being who they were, where they were at, and that the past cannot be changed. But, that does not mean with new awareness, that they cannot get better. But, also, it is not ours to change. It is Higher Powers will to change. And Higher Power's alone.

So, how do I live withing that understanding? If I look at the serenity prayer again, then I must acknowledge that there is plenty that I cannot change. Most of it, actually. I cannot change anyone else. I cannot, mostly, change myself. So what is left? I can change my attitude towards what is. I can accept myself, the way I am. I can accept others, the way they are. I can find joy in this acceptance. But can I, personally, really do that? Where am I at with all this?

Last night, when I felt like crying, I was feeling the full impact of the that little girl, that just wanted to be safe, wanted to know someone cared. I felt her fear. I felt the confusion that no one was there to help her. As an adult, I was seeing this and feeling it, in the context of the Al-Anon meeting. I was being asked to think of acceptance. Can I accept that my parents really did do the best they could? And most importantly, can I accept that I did the best I could with my son? Can anyone one of us say anything otherwise?

All, parents, irregardless of who or where they are, are always doing the best they can, at all times. That is a very hard pill to swallow. It does not explain all the things that happen in the world, to children, that are damaging and painful. Why would these things happen, if it is Higher Power's will, and no other's? Why would Higher Power will these things to be, these damaging and painful things? What good could possibly come out of all of these painful events in the world?

Some say that it is part of a much greater plan. That you or I will never know the answer to. All we can do is play our part, with grace and acceptance, of ourselves and others. Tall order. But necessary. You really have no other choice. It will happen with "you, or without "you", at least the "you" that "you" think "you" are! But what does that leave us left to do? What can we do in our lives to live as well as we can, with what we have, and where we find ourselves? We have acceptance. We have the possibility of serenity if we live with courage. Through this courage we gain wisdom. Notice though were these qualities originate. They originate with God, Higher Power.

In the serenity prayer we are reminded, " God (Higher Power), grant me the serenity to ACCEPT the things "I" cannot change.....(God), GRANT me the courage to change the things "I" can......And, the WISDOM to know the difference." Higher power grants all this. It is given, as a gift. Higher Power grants serenity. Higher Power grants the ability to accept things, as they are. Higher Power grants the ability to see that it is a power greater than ourselves, than "I" that can do this. Higher Power also grants the courage to change the things that the "I" can change. This is in opposition to the things that "I" cannot, such as others. And finally, Higher Power grants the wisdom, the awareness and understanding, to know that there is a difference between "I" and it..

So, guilt and blame can be laid by the side. We may feel pain and hurt with what happens, but we must accept that what is happening is Higher Power's will. We must also accept that if we are meant to we will have the courage, have the wisdom and gain the serenity from that too. We can relax, and rest in what is happening. Be at peace that there is a plan, and allow ourselves to be part of life, without shame, and be in the world knowing that we are just as important a part of it as anyone else is. We will keep growing. We will keep changing. We will keep doing our part, and so will everyone else. Such as it is, and such as it should be.

Thanks for listening!

Keep coming back * smile*

Things to look forward to: Another day of life.

Challenges: All that another day of life implies:)

Step 1 - Day 16

Mood: Suffering. Sad. Dark and hurting. I feel the weight of my opinion of myself in my heart, like a hard and burning ember. I woke up this morning remembering a dream in which I felt rejected by an old high school friend, one I admired, only to confirm, again, that I really am unworthy of love.

Music: "Broken", by Tracy Chapman. An ode to unreal, perfectionist and self-wounding expectations of yourself and others. Ways we all set ourselves up for falls. Doom ourselves to failure. She has a way with words to describe feelings of rejection and loneliness.

Garden: Under snow. Yes, snow! A freaky little storm that is already melting off as I write. I fear for my flowers and flowering trees. Is this normal? I hope they will be OK, and Spring can resume it's work of warming things up and leafing things out.

Step 1 - Day 16

"We admitted we were powerless over___(alcohol)-that our lives had become unmanageable"

This day started out on a sour note. Waking from the dream, which I mentioned, of my old High School friend stirred up already inflamed sentiments about myself. I feel I am being made more clearly aware of these self-concepts, since yesterday. I want to run and hide. I want to squirm out of it, but I will try to keep looking, as my stomach turns and my heart burns and I feel like my legs are dragging behind me. It is like Crytonite to my mind and body. It feels like the heaviest burden, and yet it is invisible, weightless. It feels like it has the power to destroy me, ruin everything good in my life. It could swallow me up in it's black holeness. It's negative gravity, till I am consumed. Gone. I am only as good as my son is healthy and happy. I am responsible for all that. I am to blame for all that too. It's crazy, but that is how I feel, right now.

I opened my Al-Anon reader, as I lay in bed, feeling pinned by this weight, unable to do much else and this is what I read. "Sometimes the things we consider our greatest weaknesses prove to be our greatest strengths. They provide us opportunities for growth that we would never have had otherwise." And today's reminder: " Anything and everything about me can be used for my own good. If I feel insecure or frightened today, I will remember that my fear is a signal that there is something for me to learn". Another bulls eye. It is staggering to read these passages and find so much of myself mirrored back at me. It gives me comfort, but I also want the hope and serenity that is also mentioned, when we consider the truths presented in them. What is my fear for my son teaching me at this time? Can I really trust his Higher Power to take care of him, like I hope it is taking care of me?

Wrestling with this "demon", this mental poison, that seems to be at my core, deep within me feels epic. I keep trying to name it, get a handle on it, understand it. I can feel it's weight. That tells me it is there, lurking. But what is it really? I can say this "demon" has been at the heart of all the times I felt most lost, most frightened, most at the mercy of life without armor, paralyzed with fear and vulnerable. I can say this much: I know it is a indictment against myself, a weighing of my worth, with the scale coming up short. It is a nod of confirmation, that all the bleakest and most uncharitable things I have ever felt or thought about myself, are in-fact, true. It is my well of self-disgust, self-rejection and self-condemnation. It is the pit of my despair. Pure self-hate. Never does it rear it's ugly head more, than when it has to do with my son.

But, can I know where this "demon" came from, and what is responsible for it? Does it even matter? What is the antidote, if any? It has deeply wounded, and affected my relationship with my son, all relationships actually. It is like the ax waiting to fall, the truth waiting to be revealed. If they really knew me, knew this about me, then I would be abandoned, left alone, despised and rejected. I would be seen for what I really was. I would be unlovable and unloved. Deep, dark, painful beyond words. Crushing. Silencing. Bruising and battering to the psyche and the soul. Consuming and choking. Suffocating, in-fact. There is no air and life there. Nothing can grow. It is a barren wasteland of horrifying shapes and shadows, on the periphery of perception, by ever present. It is my personal internal hell.

Seeing this hell, for what it is, is the start of something now. I am trying to just be with it, see it, find it's shape and boundaries. I met with my therapist and told her of the fight with my co-worker, the dream, what it brought up for me and how it seems to relate to things going way back, back to my childhood. I read the readings that I've mentioned the last few days, from the reader to her, and what they meant to me. I started to cry when I read the part from the second reading, the part about , " I will remember that my fear is a signal...." I feel as though I am being asked to learn from this fear, from this pain, from this blackness. Right now I am learning that it is there, and trying to acknowledge it. What will come from that I do not know.

My counselor suggested that it could be "reframed", that my old way of seeing myself as a damaged child, whom no one loved and protected can be changed. I said to her I have carried this burden around deep inside, that what happened to me was a indication of my worth. That someone lovable would not have had these things happen. I also told her I am tired of carrying this burden, this identification, that I want to see myself in a new way. My spiritual teacher said almost the same thing Sunday night at a teaching I attended. She said people get stuck on the path because they cling to these identifications, that it becomes a part of who they are, and they do not find the truth of who they really are because of it. I feel I cling to this identification of myself as a terrible mother. That is suffering is, in reality, my fault.

I do not want to hide from my feelings anymore, but I also do not want to dwell in them too long. I want to find a way to allow them to be, allow them to arise, but not be attached to them, not to be lost in them. I have always been afraid of my feelings. They were not to be trusted. They betrayed me. When I was afraid, there was no one there to comfort me, so the solution was to not be afraid. I couldn't afford to. But that kind of thinking ends-up carrying over into everything. It becomes a way of dealing with everything, and then you become a bottled up mess, in denial of ALL your feelings. Then you become numb. Dead inside. I do not want to be dead inside, but I also do not want to wear my hurts, my wounds like badges. Is that possible? Is it possible to live with where my son is at, at this time, and not let it crush me?

I also went to the weekly Al-Anon meeting I have been attending in my area. The meeting was a topic meeting. The moderator decided to present the topic of "acceptance" Most people talked about acceptance of the alcoholic in their lives. I felt as though acceptance, for me, meant acceptance of who I am. Particularly, who I am right now. Acceptance that I am what I am, and where I am, and that that is OK. I also need to accept my emotions, my fear and suffering. I cannot understand it, and hopefully transcend it, if I am not willing to see and feel it. Simple, I know, but profound to me. I do not do my emotions well. I do not think they have a place in my life. I think they make me weaker. I have been very wrong. I can feel them, but they do not have to rule me. Particularly, in the case of my relating to my son, at this time. I hope.

So where am I right now? What is the next step, as in my personal steps, not The Steps. My next step is to just keep allowing myself to be. I need to know it is OK to feel afraid and someone will care. I need to know that admitting I am scared and unsure is not a failing. I am not a failure. I am told that only Higher Power has the power to change me, and anyone else. I need to know this and understand it. I need to accept where I and my son are, right now, and not try to control him or change him. There are many things I have wanted to change about myself, but I am being told maybe it is not in my power to change them either. I may just need to accept them. I am still not sure I agree with this, but I am entertaining it. I guess I've said this before, but it's still true. I also need to accept this in relationship to my son. I cannot rescue him. Only Higher Power can.

So, again, what does it mean in the serenity prayer, " God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change"....which is what? "Courage to change the things I can"...which is also what? "And the wisdom to know the difference".....so there is a difference? Hmmm...."Help me Higher Power, to understand this. Help me to CLEARLY know what I can and what I cannot change, in myself and in my son, and grant me the wisdom to know this difference". And, "If I can change something, please show me how I can change it. Don't keep me guessing. I really want to know how, if I can. I really want to be able to make my life better, be a better, happier, healthier and saner person. For myself and for my son. If it is your will, that is. " :)

Thanks for listening!

Keep coming back :)

Things to look forward to: My NAMI group tomorrow evening.

Challenges: My boss returns tomorrow. He takes things over again and I have to report to him how things went, and how I dealt with them.

Step 1 - Day 15

Mood: Forgiving. I forgive myself and others for being imperfect, because there is no such thing as perfection. I am worthy of love, as I am, and so are others.

Music: "Aline Vole", by Kali, a Martinique musician, in the tradition of Biguine (authentic, original spelling, BTW). Tragic and joyful, all at the same time.

Garden: Still damp. The trees are starting to really leaf out now, creating a warm, green nest for me, up on my hill. So nice to not have to look at my neighbors old trailer for the next six months.

Step 1-

"We admitted we were powerless over ____(alcohol)- that our lives had become unmanageable"

I awoke asking for Higher Power's help. I was still smarting, and feeling wounded, from yesterday's encounter with my co-worker. I realized at the heart of it was a deep-rooted sense of unworthiness. At my core, or close to my core, is a layer of shame and feelings of unworthiness that I truly am not lovable. At that level I believe that I am only my faults and weaknesses. I believe that I am unlovable because of these flaws. At my core I feel unworthy of love. I asked Higher Power to help me to know my beauty and worthiness of being loved. I asked to be shown that I could be loved, in-spite of my weaknesses and flaws. I asked to be shown that I was truly worthy of love. This strikes an unbelievably painful nerve. A fundamental feeling of unlovableness.

Why is this feeling of unlovableness there? Where did it come from? What empowers it? Why do I believe it? Why is there a me that believes it and where did she come from? How can there be a part of you that believes it, and a part that does not? Are there two of me? If so, then how can I be more like the other me, the one that knows she is loved? These questions seem almost unanswerable. But maybe not? We'll see. Is it the nature of reality to be these two Me's, or is there a rift that can be breached, a chasm that can be spanned? Can I be brought to a place of peace and plenty? These are great questions. Questions I want to know the answers to. But can I and how?

I picked-up the daily reader, "Courage To Change" today and was stunned to see the entry. "Self-esteem grows when I love and accept myself as I am. I block my self-esteem each time I base my self-worth on what I do or what others think of me.....I cannot be perfect. I cannot make others perfect. Yet I am worthy of love, respect and joy. Let me remind myself each day that I am a child of a perfect Higher Power." Wow! Bingo. Bulls eye. Straight to the heart. It was like a love bomb was being dropped on me this morning. Every day I am feeling this with the words I find in these books and teachings. How could they know me so well? How could they understand my pain and my fear so thoroughly? I feel exposed and yet set free. I feel understood and accepted for who I am. What a relief! What joy!

There is a freedom in knowing, and exposing, your deepest pain and weaknesses. You can begin to cradle yourself, for the wounded child that you are. For the journey you have made to this point, still willing to learn, grow and love. Knowing this I cannot be controlled by it. Knowing this I can ask for this wound to be healed. Knowing this, if nothing else, I can be made gentle and sensitive to others pain and suffering in this way. You cannot remain the same when you have hit your core, your ground zero of suffering. It gives you power. It gives you the power to see, to feel and to know others at a deep level too. It gives you the power, hopefully, to forgive yourself and others their faults and weaknesses. We are all children of a Higher Power. All worthy of the same respect and love, even with our flaws, because none of us is perfect. None of us.

I feel raw right now. My attention is being drawn back to the first step again. I am told that I am powerless over alcohol, or all things in general, because it is not my power, it is Higher Power's domain. But what does that mean? Do I really believe that it is Higher Power, and Higher Power alone, who is responsible for all this change? Logic would say, that if I believe that we are all created, then it is only the creator that can change the creation. But do I believe that I am "created", and if so, who created me? How can this creator change me, then, too? Why was I created and why am I changed, or needing to change, at some point. So many mysteries!

I do believe that I am a part of a inter-connected creation, that everything is related to everything else, and impacts it, by that fact. But have I really questioned who the creator of the creation is? And, have I questioned if this creator still has a hand in this creation as well? I can see creation is not a static thing, that it is changing and evolving, whether by death, or mutation, or both. But do I see myself, this one personal self, as part of that whole as well? Logic would say I should. But I often find that I forget, that this individual self is evolving and changing, as well. I can look to this lifetime to see that though. I can say that, aside from the growth of moving from childhood to adulthood, that there has also been change since then. There has been growth since too. That evolution of the mind, heart and consciousness continues as well.

I have seen individual self try to "change" itself as well, and fail. I have also seen change just "happen", almost without effort. But why? In Al-Anon, there is talk of personal will versus Higher Power's will. Some suffering, it is said, comes from trying to force one's own will on a situation, rather than surrendering to Higher Power's will. It is said that grace can come from this surrender. To move through life following this will, and acting as if it was one's own, rather than fighting and rebelling against it, can bring peace and serenity. So what is Higher Power's will fro me right now? Logic would say that I can look to what is already in my life. I can look around me and see where I am, who I am with, what I am doing as well as who I am doing it with. But does it stop there? I must also accept what is being offered to me, in those circumstances, and with those people, as well. I must try to practice gratitude for all that I have been given.

So where am I? I am in North America. I am in a certain state, county and town in that state. I am with the family, friends and community I am in. With all that that implies. I have the home, job, relationships and physical resources and abilities that I do. I have the qualities, temperament, habits, dysfunctions and quirks that I do. So, can I forgive, love and accept and have gratitude for all that? I have spent years, decades actually, trying to change all that. How ironic to be told now that it was not mine to change. But is that true? The serenity prayer states, " God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference." So, how is that different from saying it is Higher Power's will, not mine, that causes change? If I can't actually change anything, then how can I know the difference between what can I change and what I can't? A dilemma

Is there a difference between what I can change and what I cannot? If so, what can I change then? What can I not change? If I cannot change certain basic habits or tendencies on my own, then what can I change? Can I change how I feel and think about them? Is that in my power to change? In Al-Anon, I see an acknowledged, and growing, awareness towards accepting one's powerlessness. I am encouraged to change my mind and perspective in how, or what, I can control. Is that all I can change? How I look at, or feel, about what there is, or isn't, in my life or an other's? These are questions I must answer. But for now, I will try to practice acceptance of who I am, and what I am right now. I will try to love that, rather than live in shame of it. Easier said than done. But I will try...

So, where am I at right now? I am ready to start the day. I am ready to try to accept that I am a beautiful, if flawed, creation. I am willing to entertain the idea that it is not within my power to change that. I will try to reflect on what I can change, then, if that is the case. I will try to practice gentleness with myself, in all that I do, as well as with others. For everyone else is also in the same boat as I am, flawed and lovable too. I will try to think about my son today, in this light, and remember that it is not in my power to heal him, or "fix" his mental illness, or how, when or if he ever gets "there", from wherever "there" is. That's a big one! But, it will have to start with me. I guess.....

Thanks for listening!

Keep coming back* smile*

What to look forward to: Thinking of myself with more love and acceptance today.

Challenges: Thinking of myself with more love and acceptance today:)

Step 1 - Day 14

Mood: Recovering. Shame-filled. Had a big blow-up at work between me and a co-worker. Unexpected, but it really struck a huge nerve. I will talk about it more in the main part of the blog.

Music: The opera " Eugene Onegin", by Tchaikovsky. Russian opera at it's best.

Garden. Wet. Finally a Spring rain! I raked around the side and back of the house and cleaned up the beds where the Hyacinths are blooming. So many treasures offering themselves up for appreciation.

Step 1-

"We admitted we were powerless over ____ (alcohol)-that our lives had become unmanageable"

I was going to write about today's daily reader quote, which incidentally, is about "Take what you like, and leave the rest", a very helpful reminder that Al-Anon is not a cult. It is there to help, not indoctrinate. But I had a very stressful experience at work, that I feel I should write about instead. It involved a younger co-worker and I, who was working for me today. I found myself being so ugly and angry that I was genuinely embarrassed. I also found myself extremely defensive and shame-filled. So how does this relate to my son. Very well actually. I have had many fights with my son, and came away feeling the same way. So let me tell you all about it. It's great fuel for the Al-Anon fire. Let's break it down, and look at all the painful details, shall we?

I was sitting in the break room, trying to have lunch, while also keeping an eye on things, since it was just us two running things today. Suddenly, in a very confrontational tone, this young fellow, and friend by-the-way, said," I want to let you know that I was very upset that you told________(another fellow co-worker) about certain aspects of my personal life. You crossed the line, and I don't want you to do it again" Or something to that effect. Those weren't the exact words, unfortunately. My first reaction was surprise and shock. I did not know what he was referring to. I could not think of what I may have talked about, with this other person of such a personal nature, about him. I felt instantly attacked and defensive.

I said, "I'm not sure what you are talking about", "I don't remember talking to this person about you, and about personal things about you". He immediately said, "Yes you do. You know perfectly well what I am talking about. I don't need to tell you. I'm just going to leave it at that." Now I was really baffled, and also getting upset too, thinking I had done something so upsetting to him. I was unaware as to how I had hurt his feelings, or betrayed his trust in some way. I said, "I really don't know what you are talking about. Could you help me? Maybe I need to know what it was, and how it may have been personal to you, so I know what your line is, so I won't cross it". I was really searching here, not sure what we were talking about, and feeling very clueless.

Again, he stated, "You'll just have to think about it then. I'm not going to help you. It's was a fine line and you just should have known not to cross it, not to talk about it." I was starting to feel crazy, like I was stuck in a hall of mirrors. I was asking for a way out and being told, "no, you have to grope your way out, even though I know how to get you out, I'm not going to help you." It was feeling very punitive and absurd. I said, " Listen, I'm willing to make amends with you, to work it out, right here and right now, but you have to help me. I'm not interested in games. This feels like you are playing a game, trying to punish me. If I offended you I would like to know how, so I can make it right."

Again, he said, " You know perfectly well what I am talking about!" I said, "No, I don't. If I did, would I be asking you? Are you calling me a liar?" "No", he said, "But you will have to work it out. You will have to think about it. And don't do it again!." Now I was really feeling crazy. I stopped arguing with him, closed my eyes, and tried to regain my composure. I rubbed my temples. I tried to think about what he was talking about. I then said, "Listen, I really do want to know what this is about. I had no intention of offending you, if I did, but I would appreciate it if you could tell me what I said that hurt your feelings. I don't know when this other guy and I had a chance to talk about you, without you being here." He said, " It may have been on Friday, when I wasn't here. It may have just slipped out, but now you'll know not to do it again!"

By now I had really had enough of this going in circles, spending all this time talking about nothing, when we could be talking directly about what he thought I said, that offended him. I said, "Listen, this is getting ridiculous. We are gong around and around with this, when we could be dealing with it, right here, right now. I want to work this out with you, but you are playing games. This is childish. I am not interested in games." Anyway, suffice it to say, this went around and around a few more times, with me getting quite upset, him continuing to refuse to enlighten me, and with me feeling ashamed for doing something I am not even sure I did, or what exactly it was. I felt accused with no way to defend myself, no way to know how to prevent it from happening again, and no wiser about what happened.

We spent the rest of the day being civil with each other, and professional, but I felt on-edge and defensive. I still could not remember anything by the end of the day. He acted like he had corrected something wrong, but took no responsibility for how he did it. Now let me tell you why this was really so upsetting to me. I do have a history of "loose lips", and have been told by others that I stepped over a line, with their sense of privacy. I am not saying that this incident that I was being accused of did not happen. But, I was was surprised that it may have happened with this person, since I genuinely don't remember what I might have said that was so private, that caused offense. I have actually been very proud, lately, that I am much, much better at keeping confidences.

I felt doubly ashamed because I did not remember it, if I did it. I was also hugely frustrated that he would not just talk with me and help me understand. I felt he was punishing me, and said so. He at one point copped to it, briefly. He is someone who also has a very strong personality, is very opinionated, has talked about others with judgement and is a very proud person. I was also surprised to know that he may have confided in me something much more private than I thought it was, and I didn't know the level of confidence I was being given. I was embarrassed about this. I like this guy. He has been a good friend. I respect him. But, suddenly, here we were in this ugly confrontation. I didn't know if I was just being an ass and making it worse, or allowing myself to be attacked and played with, out of anger and hurt.

So, how does this relate to Al-Anon? I had just read a reading in the daily reader a day or two ago about the slogan, "Think." It said, " One of the effects of alcoholism is that most of us tend to react to everything we encounter, often perceiving minor incidents as major crises." And also, " When I am tempted to respond to angry accusations with accusations of my own, I stop and "think". I learn to "think" before I speak". There is shame built into my psyche, that comes from being shamed. The shame seems to go way back to early childhood. Was it being expected to act more mature and responsible than I was capable? Was it the perfectionism of trying to keep it together when everything was in chaos, and the shame and fear, when I couldn't?

Deep down I fear that I really am what I am being accused of. A careless, callous, selfish, mean-spirited and thoughtless person. I cannot feel shamed by another, and really impacted by it, if the shame was not already there to begin with. In the quote on "think" it also goes on to say, "Instead of automatically reacting to every provocation, request or demand that comes along, we can "think"before we act, making choices that are in our best interest." So how could I have done today differently? I could have taken more time to "think", and taken his issue with me under consideration, by not readily acting defensive about a perceived wrong. I could have accepted that what I may have done hurt him, even if I didn't know it, and apologized, even if I couldn't remember what it was I did. Maybe that would have been enough? I'll keep thinking about it...

Thanks for listening!

Keep coming back * smile*

What to look forward to: Writing group tomorrow evening.

Challenges: Seeing this co-worker tomorrow and trying to move forward with the situation, as it stands, with more grace and serenity.

Step 1 - Day 13

Mood: Sleepy and sad. Did not sleep well last night. Got up early too. Still trying to let go of "my" control of any and all things. I feel somewhat cast adrift. Scared. Unsure. I need to trust more.

Music: " In a Baroque Garden", by Jeremiah Clark-trumpet played by Wynton Marsalis. Stately court music with brass and strings. Sunday brunch music. Restorative music.

Garden: Grass and moss seem to be coming in more. I might need to reseed where my plow guy bit into the lawn. Spring still slowly coming. Maybe it's because I am watching so much, that the changes seem to be slower? Patience. Pay attention to more detail then.

Step 1-

"We admitted we were powerless over ___(alcohol) - that our lives had become unmanageable"

Doing this blog daily makes me feel somewhat like I am being "in my head" too much. I'm afraid I need to pay attention more to what's going on around me. Or reach out more. Not keep it to myself so much. I still have the predominate tendency to try to "do it all myself". Either from having to only depend on myself, or out of fear of who I could trust. Makes for a lonely life. Having new Al-Anon friends though, means that I have people in my life I can confide in, who won't judge. They have been there. How could they, really? That's empowering. I don't feel so ashamed, such a failure. But I am told I need to reach out, make that connection, open up.

Today's reader entry states," Many of us have discovered that the telephone can be a lifeline between meetings. At first we may be reluctant to call someone we barely know, but most members are grateful to receive such calls because both parties benefit." I get a bit scared when I read this because it implies that sometimes you need a lifeline. To me a lifeline is used in a time of crisis. Crisis means something very difficult and overwhelming might be happening. Having something that intense happening means your life is in chaos, out of control. I guess I want my life to be more than just living from one crisis to another. But can I control that? Or do I have to adopt a different attitude towards what might be viewed as a "crisis"?

Making a call, in a time of crisis, means that I have to trust that there are others who will listen, no matter what. That is an overwhelming prospect, because that means I also have to be vulnerable to another person, at a time when I want to shut down. That is my usual tactic anyway. Keep it to myself. Bear it alone. I have know many lonely nights like that. Maybe I don't have to anymore? The thought, too, that I could call someone in Al-Anon means that I would have a sympathetic listener who would also have the program behind them, us, to lean on. They would have the wisdom of the entire group, the Al-Anon family, to help us both understand what might be happening. To understand it and cope with it, hopefully, with greater serenity and sanity. This sounds good.

But could I call someone in the meeting when I was really in a crisis? Can I trust that they would really be willing to listen? It would be embarrassing. I would feel like an imposition. It would be one thing to just talk about day-to-day things, to learn more about the program. But what if it really was a crisis? What if I felt like I was losing my mind? Could I impose that on another innocent bystander to my life? I am being told that it would benefit both of us. But how? I would be benefited by not being alone. I would benefit from having a calm person to talk to, not in a crisis. I would have the benefit of their reason and wisdom, when I may be unable to think clearly for myself, or be acting out of fear, anger, hurt or all the above. But how would it benefit them?

If I called a relative stranger, at 3 am, to talk because I was feeling I was in a crisis, what would I say? I would say, "I feel like I am in a crisis. I feel like I am losing my mind. I feel like I want to lash out in hurt, anger and fear. Should I? " Obviously, I would be told not to hurt anyone. But maybe I would also be told not to let myself be hurt either? Maybe I would be told that I deserve better. Maybe I would be told that I can handle this, that I have a Higher Power to lean on. Maybe I would be asked to think about how I could get to that place of serenity and calm, so I could reason out what I needed to do. That I am not alone. That I have a friend. Support. Comfort. But would I really do that to another person, like that? Hopefully not.

So how could that benefit them actually? I haven't answered that question yet. I guess, first and foremost, they would know that if they ever called, they would be received. They would not be alone either. Just knowing that could make all the difference to them someday too. They would also know that they and I are human, still working our plan, still trying to act in a loving way that benefits the greatest number, for the greatest good. That appeals to me. They would know that they could be calm and rational, during a crisis, that it was possible. They would know that the wisdom to be drawn on was theirs and also mine. That we were all able to do this in a crisis. They would know that if they were in a crisis too, that the calm and rational thought they offered to me, was available to them, if they looked within. They would know that serenity is real, and that the program works. What a great reassurance for them too!

So many times I have felt shame and embarrassment over my life. I felt that my life was so much worse than others. I thought that if anyone else knew what it was really like, that no one would want to be my friend. I have been very wrong. The more I dig into this, the more I am finding that everyone, EVERYONE, is dealing with something. No one is spared growth. No one is spared challenge. No one is spared life. If you are alive, they you must grow. If you must grow, then you will be challenged. No exceptions. The trick, I guess, to to find a way to ride this wave, follow the journey, with grace and willingness, rather than fear and resistance. Change will come, but will you come too, or will you go kicking and screaming?

Growth involves pain. Or it can be viewed differently. It could be viewed as stretching. It could be viewed as being polished. A refining of the spirit. An elevating of perspective. But why do we have to grow? Why can't things just stay the same? That is a mystery, I think. I don't think it is possible to answer that question. I've tried. All I know is that we are all interconnected, so as one discards, another picks-up. Nothing is wasted. The "system" is closed. Recycling is the way of the universe. Another way of saying it is, everything is precious. Everything, and everybody, is a gift. Everything is here to assist in this evolution, this growth. Everything, is helping everything else, all the time. It is a perfect system, actually. The whole universe is doing it! No exceptions.

I used to try to understand where my place was in the world. What my "job" was. I used to want to know my purpose. I thought it was something, "out there", far away from "here". I could go running and chasing something "over there", and I have, but eventually I had to come back to "here". I have often felt that my life was somehow "lesser" than others. That it was an inferior life. I had an idea what my life should look like, and it was "my" idea. What was happening was not OK with me, because it often didn't fit what "my" idea of what my life should be. I couldn't just accept what was happening, and work with that. I had to impose "my" will. Get "my" way. You don't ever "get it your way". Not ever. You just think that if your will and Higher Power's will matches, somehow you won. You didn't. You won't. Not ever. Let it go.

But how do I know this? I'm not entirely sure I do. But, as I write this, it is flowing out of me, and it "makes sense". There is a feeling and a knowing, when something is true. You are sort of relieved by it. It settles something in your mind, that maybe you didn't know needed settling. There is a comfort involved. People in Al-Anon talk about the comfort and east they felt when they did finally come to the realization that they were not "in control". Not in control of not only the alcoholic, but also their lives. That it was all part of a plan, much bigger than them, in which they were a vital part, but only a part. Knowing this allowed them to relax and just "let go, and let God". I am still working on this, but I would certainly like to know the comfort and serenity that that kind of trust would bring. I would love to relax more. Wouldn't we all? Time to make some phone calls....

Thanks for listening!

Keep coming back *smile*

What to look forward to: Making "that call". Seeing my beloved teachers tonight.

Challenges: Trusting in my, and my son's, Higher Power more.

Step 1 - Day 12

Mood: Sugared up and buzzing. Ate some of Ben & Jerry's new ice cream flavor, "Peanut Brittle". Whoa ho, does that serve a punch! I pared it with homemade oatmeal scotchies. Oatmeal cookie bars with butterscotch chips. Lethal combo....Coma inducing:)

Music: The Jazz styling of Casa Estrella Africans.......

Garden: In darkness, since it is evening, but the house plants in the kitchen are doing great, especially the Wandering Jew. I've always wondered if that is it's real name, and if so, does it offend anyone?

Step 1:

"We admitted we were powerless over ____(alcohol)-that our lives had become unmanageable"

I saw my son yesterday! I didn't write about it because it was after I had posted yesterdays blog. He got my message, that I left with a friend, that I had his cell phone and called me back. I hadn't talked with him in 5 months, since late November! He said he was going to come by my work to pick-up his phone. He showed up 5 min before I was going home. I was walking outside when I saw him show up. He came over and as he approached I started to cry. He came up and gave me a hug. I didn't initiate it! I was so surprised. He said, "It seemed like you could use one". This was so strange since the last time I saw him he was being arrested after assaulting me. The first time I have ever called the police on my son. One of the worst days of my life...

His hug was brief, and it was hard to tell if there was any real affection in it. It was strange, it felt almost like an actor hugging, rather than the real thing. But maybe I am just projecting? We talked a bit. I told him that I loved him. He did not return the sentiment. He asked me if I was OK. I said I was very happy to see him, that I was happy he was alive and seemed to be OK. I told him that I hoped he was doing OK. He looked OK. He looked healthy and was wearing clean and appropriate clothing No bathrobes and carrying shot guns. That's another story...Maybe I'll tell it another time. His haired was trimmed and he was smiling. He said, "I guess I needed some space". I think he was referring to being out of contact with me.

I was still emotional, saying that so much had happened, so many intense things. Intense things to him and for everyone else too. He looked around like maybe he was uncomfortable, or didn't want to talk about it. I said that everyone loved him so much, that we just wanted him to be happy and healthy. I asked how he was doing. He said, "OK." He said he was just stopping by to get his phone, and wasn't planning to stay long. I said his phone was inside the building, so we walked back towards the entrance and to my office. I handed him the phone, which the truck driver had mailed in a plain manila envelope, with no return address, wrapped in paper towels. I said I hope it made it in one piece, that it was still working. He said he was sure it was OK...

We walked back outside, where a friend was waiting in his car. This was a friend that he was staying with, one I do not like and he knows it. I think this guy is very dangerous and a bad influence, but I had to be thankful that at least he has a roof over his head and food to eat tonight. It feels terrible to have such low expectations for the quality of his life, but it is not my life, so all I can do is just love him, however I can, in whatever ways he will let me. I wish I knew how I could right now. He got in the car and drove off. I have not heard or seen him since. I don't know when I will next. I am not trying to contact him. I might send him another email tomorrow saying I love him and am thinking about him again. Maybe I should try to ask him if he wants to come over for dinner? Maybe that's pushing it too soon?...It's so hard to know what to do....

So, what is the lesson today? The daily reader says, " When something isn't working the way I think it should, I can think about the slogan, "Easy Does It" Instead of doubling my effort I can slow down and reassess the situation. The answer may be staring me in the face, but sometimes I have to let go of what I am doing before I can see it" I think the message is to not force a reunion, or time when he and I will spend time together, or have a chance to talk, and maybe heal our relationship. I have a tendency to rush into things, to try to hard, to not listen to how I am feeling. I may think I want something, or out of fear try to grasp it, but I just end up forcing things. I scare away people or opportunities I want, because of my anxiety and stressful energy.

I have to trust that there is a time and a place for everything, and allow myself to be carried along, rather than try to impose my will on something, thinking it is the right time, or the right thing. I need to trust in Higher Power more. Trust by relaxing and letting things be. This is very hard for me, but I am going to try, because I love my son and I love myself, and we have had so many hard times and things happen to us. I think we deserve to have some joy and peace too. What does that mean? I will try to share my feels with him as they arise naturally, not forced or out of fear, but when joy and love arise, I will make sure to share it with him.

I will try to give him space, but try to be of comfort and support if he asks, in good ways that show that I believe in and trust in his own Higher Power and ability to live his life with grace too. He wants me to trust in him. I will just have to keep trying, keep believing in the good in all things, not easy for me also. He is a young man and wants to learn the lessons of his life. I can't protect him from all pain and suffering, but I will try to show him that I care what happens to him and that I love him. My heart is soaring as I write and read this. It feels so right, but feels like growing pains for my heart, because I have been running on fear, anxiety and worry for many, many months.

Another quote from today's reader. "Easy Does It...Think about it when you are in a hurry to do something and everything seems to go wrong..." Isn't that the truth! I have forced so many things in my life, afraid I was going to miss something. I have believed that I had to struggle for everything in my life, that I could only achieve a goal if I sweat, strained and suffered. What would it be like if I could allow Higher Power to show me what I need, so me the way to go, allow myself to be led. Surrender to it's will? I need to trust that if my relationship with my son is to thrive then we need to have space and heal, but also to come to each other naturally, when the time is right. I will try to follow this suggestion from HP...I will try.

Okay, so what next? So much has happened these last few months. I have felt brought to the edge. I am tired, but I feel Spring coming with it's hopeful energy of new beginnings and new growth. I feel new life emerging from the old. I feel hope that if I prepare the soil, build a good foundation, plant the right seeds, in the right way, tend them gently, with the right amount of water and sun, then I will have a beautiful crop, a beautiful harvest when the time is right. I need to tend my relationship with my son like I would my garden. I need to take the time. Act with patience, wisdom and understanding, so that he knows that I love him and I will not hurt him. I know I can do this. I must try.

So, as this evening closes, I send my love, out on the night air to my son. I send my prayers, my hopes and my wishes for my son to know he is loved. To feel that love and to find it within himself. I wish him health. I wish him joy. I wish him comfort and safety. I hope even though he can't hear me sending these wishes to him, that he will feel them, feel the love I am sending, feel surrounded by it. I wish that he will sleep well tonight and have sweet, sweet dreams of joyful and peaceful things. That he will see himself surrounded by those that love him, and feel the comfort and joy in knowing that he has a place in this world. That people need and want them in their lives, and that his life has meaning. Good night my beautiful and brave son.... I love you.

Thanks for listening!

Keep coming back * smile*

What to look forward to: Hearing two beloved spiritual teachers tomorrow, who inspire my life.

Challenges: To continue to hold the thought of my son in my mind, with love and goodwill.

Step 1 - Day 11

Mood: Shaky. I've been finding all sorts of emotions getting stirred up, the deeper I go with the Al-Anon work, than I thought were there. That and the still ever present confusion over still trying to get a handle on my son's mental illness. What is reasonable to expect of a young person who is grappling with MI? What are they capable of? What are good boundaries? How much should I help or stay out of it?? Questions upon questions....

Music: " Ain't Gwine to Whistle Dixie Anymo' ", by Taj Mahal. A great rambling, joyful instrumental jam by some super soulful roots musicians. And just to hear Taj whistle too..

Garden: More bulbs shooting up. I'm really enjoying finding out where they all hibernated for the Winter. This new yard is continuing to be full of surprises. Colors just keep coming!

Step 1-

" We admitted that we were powerless over ____(alcohol) - that our lives had become unmanageable"

The "Courage To Change" reader for this morning was very appropriate to my expressed feelings of shakiness. It said, " When I came to Al-Anon I didn't feel....nothing moved me at all. It was like I was dead. My Al-Anon friends assured me that I did have feelings, but I had lost touch with them from years of living with alcoholism and denying every hint of anger, joy or sorrow." This rang so true. I know that many of my emails have expressed a lot of emotion, and it is not as though I am dead anymore, it is just that it takes me a REALLY long time to get to those feelings.

I have often felt, in the past, as though I were stronger than other people emotionally. I prided myself on my calm amidst other peoples fear and confusion. I spent years being in such denial emotionally, that only in times of extreme crisis did I manage to let down my own guard, and let some of my fear and pain break though. I was always the one others came to for comfort, but I was never able to ask for any. I was walled up, afraid for anyone to know how I felt, for fear that the dam would burst and drown me and everyone around me. It was such a lonely way to live.

I have also now come to realize that, just like the alcoholic whose emotional life is stunted by the use of alcohol to deal with trauma and stress, the co-dependant also loses emotionally. In trying to rescue, fix, keep together and otherwise control life around the alcoholic, they have to stifle and deny their own feelings. They have to stay strong when others are always in chaos. Theirs is the path of the super competent person. Always trying to do too much and do it too well. There is a constant fear of failure, because the weight of keeping it all together is on their shoulders alone. Keeping a good face and keeping it all together, are the constant mantra.

I would often look at others and think they were so weak. But then I often noticed that I didn't feel the good things too. When something good happened I was just glad it wasn't a crisis. I couldn't enjoy it though. It was like I was wired for chaos and stress only. I didn't know how to have fun. I didn't know how to enjoy myself. My life was passing me by and I couldn't remember the last time I just felt relaxed, joyful and at ease. Along with this was the fear that I would be found out. That others, who were obviously so much more together than I, would find out what a mess my life was and would not want to have anything to do with me.

Life can be very tough when you reject yourself first, and more harshly, than anyone else every would. When I think of how lonely I was, how afraid and overwhelmed I was, I want to cry now. I want to grieve for that little girl, that young mother, for me now. I want to let the tears flow and say, "It's OK now. You are OK.Things are not easy, but you will get though them and you are not alone now." I want to say these things to my son now, if he would let me, but I don't know if I will get the chance.

One of the hardest things about being a parent is realizing that you have no control over how your child will feel about you, about how you raised them, how their young lives went. Whether they will be mad for years at your mistakes and failings, or whether they will find the generosity to forgive you, is not in your control. Out of guilt you might try to make it up to them, right the wrongs, but you can't change the past. You can't go back and undo what was already done. The past really is the past. And your parents have had the same road to travel.....

I am powerless to change the past. I am powerless to take back what was done. I am powerless over how my son feels, about his past, about me and about himself. I am powerless to know the future. I am powerless about what my son will feel, think or do in the future as well. I cannot live in the past, in grief and guilt. I cannot live in the future in fear or dependence on what may or not come. I can only live in the moment, in the now. I can only live NOW, right now, in all that openness and uncertainty. I can also choose to enjoy the now, rather than succumb to disappointment and confusion though. If I can't know what will come, why waste my time fearing it? There is just as much a chance that it will be something good. So let it go.....

My life feels most unmanageable when, no matter what is happening, I am either caught up in rehashing the past, or dwelling on the potential future. When I do this I am missing what is happening right under my nose. I am missing all the texture, emotion, joy as well as learning and challenge that is occurring right NOW. I was always the kind of student that would try to skim ahead, read the next page before everyone else. It was like I was trying to anticipate the potential threat. I wanted to know what was around the corner so I could be prepared for it.

You cannot truly know what will come. You might be able to guess, but it would still be just a guess. Letting life unfold could mean that it ends up being so much more than you ever though it could be. There is just as much potential for it to go that way than any other. If pain and suffering do come, you will still have to deal with it. If they don't, you won't. Why add to the possible future stress by stressing about it in-advance? What a double-dipped pain in the ass that would be! That's what is has been for me and I'm tired of it!! I wanna have some fun, for a change:)

So, for today, I will try to just be present, in this moment, and nothing else. I will try to be open to all this this moment offers. I will try to live it fully, feel it fully and then let it go. I will try to trust that, no matter what it is, I can handle it. I will try to remain hopeful that, besides the pains and challenges of life, there can be pleasure and fun too. I will try to appreciate the pleasure that does arrive, and savor it fully, as though it might be my last. I do not know when my last day will be. I do not know if I will get this chance again to feel, so I will try to be grateful that it is here, and that I have this chance, right now, to live it.

Thanks for listening!

Keep coming back * whoot*

What to look forward to: A nice night at home, for a change, to relax and watch a movie and make some oatmeal cookies:)

Challenges: Continuing to learn about metal illness and take it one-day-at-a-time!

Step 1 - Day 10

Mood: Pleased. I just received an email response, to an email I sent my son a week ago. I wanted him to know I loved him, and that I was thinking about him. He responded, " I know, thank you". (with a smiley face after it) That just made my day. He's alive and he knows I love him. Thank you Higher Power! I am grateful.

Music: "Statesboro Blues" The Allman Brothers. A really good blues song about dysfunctional families, probably including alcohol in the mix there, along with everything else.

Garden: The veggie garden is starting to poke some shoots up, most likely burdock, from under the mulch I laid last Fall. Time to start testing, amending and planning what to plant this year.

Step 1:

"We admitted we were powerless against ____(alcohol) - that our lives had become unmanageable"

I feel I need to say a little bit more about the Al-Anon group I went to last night, which was a speaker's meeting. That means the moderator asks one of the group members, in advance, to tell their story for the first half of the meeting. The woman who spoke, whom I mentioned in my last post, told a harrowing story of addiction, abuse, mental illness, dysfunction, legal and financial troubles, all with her first two partners as well as her son. All while trying to hold down her own job and parent her daughter. At one point she was living in a tent because her partner had falsely accused her of threatening his life. Until they could go to court to sort it out, she had to move out of their house. She had no where to go but the river. Amazing!

I wanted to mention her again, because her troubles are still not over, her relationship with her son is still not good. From the first night I came to the meeting though, she was very welcoming and warm. She smiles, she laughs and she seems to have genuine compassion for others. I guess with the experiences she has had, you either sink or swim. She not only swam. She back stroked! She told her story with so much calm, compassion for her loved ones and forgiveness. Exceptional. Her serenity was amazing. Her goodwill was demonstrable. She was sweet and kind too. She was tested in the fire and game out gleaming gold. Very impressive.

What do I have to learn from this? She does not try to constantly fix her son, even now, with him at 30 years old and still living in the area. He is still using. He is still a drunk. He still struggles to live and get by. And he still blames her for everything. To come to a place where you have to accept that that may be the way it is, wipe your tears and move on with your life, seems daunting right now. I still do not know what is reasonable to expect of my son, in-terms our relationship. Mental illness can be so tricky. I don't know, at this point, when or if I should try to help and how. I am being relieved of this dilemma at the moment, because my son is choosing to not be in contact. I feel as though I need to figure this out soon though, in-case.

It is so painful to let go of my son, who is now an adult, who is mentally ill. I want to nurture and protect. I feel guilt that I can be with friends, have a nice meal and come home to a warm house and bed. I don't know if he has a roof over his head right now. I received the email today, but that could have been sent from a library computer. I know he has food, thanks to his caseworker, but other than that, I don't. I know I must keep going around and around with this same fear, pain and worry. I guess it is a mother thing. We want our "babies" to be safe, warm and fed. Beyond that it is negotiable. The stress of not know that is a constant pain.

My reading today from the "Courage To Change" book, an Al-Anon daily reader, is about steps 1-3. It says, "In these early steps, we admit the areas over which we are powerless-such as alcoholism and other people-and learn that a Power greater than our selves has no such limitations. We decide to place our will and our life in the hands of this Higher Power. We let go of burdens that were never ours to carry. And we begin to treat ourselves more kindly and more realistically." I am attracted to may things in this passage. Many ideas that I am trying to wrap my mind around. I do not want to go too rapidly through this first, or the next two steps, either. They seem crucial to everything that follows.

First is the idea of powerlessness. I remembered when I was growing up, seeing my mother work so hard, every day, to take care of my brother and I, the house, and because she was a "liberated" woman, go to her full-time job too. My father believed in her need and desire to have a career, after seeing his stay-at-home mom depressed most of his childhood. But he didn't seem to also believe in staying employed himself or helping my mother much around the house. When I was older, my mother confided in me, that she often felt as though she had a third child with my father, rather than a partner. She would often work so hard that she would end up sick from exhaustion. I never wanted to be like that.

So how could you find yourself in a situation like that, or like the previous speakers, and not loose your serenity? Should you stay in marriage like that? Should you ignore the other person but stay with them? What is reasonable to expect from someone who is an addict or mentally ill? How can you be in a relationship with someone like that when they are not "showing up" to the relationship in the first place? If you are powerless over the addiction and other people, then what should you, if anything, do for them or yourself, in that situation? How can a Higher Power help you in such circumstances? If it has no limitations, then what can it do to help? Does it just give you peace of mind? Does it "show" you ways to handle things that seem unmanageable? How do you place your will and your life in the hands of this Higher Power? What are the benefits to doing so?

I have been feeling a little odd about the term Higher Power today. I hear it bantered around so casually in Al-Anon, and the words, "Higher", and "Power", seem so tame for such an apparently profound idea. Where do people get their confidence and their surety that there is a Higher Power, and it really can do all that it is billed as doing? I am not an atheist. In-fact, I have studied Esotericism and Buddhism, but I came to a dead end when I realized that I was practicing it from a purely mental place. I had never really felt, believed in,or knew without any doubt any divine power or force. I did not really believe in a soul and my mind seemed to be untameable. I was tired of the concepts, the special languages and the lingo involved in all these practices and paths. I was lost.

Now, in my pain and suffering, in my feeling let down by life, I am seeking an answer to how I can be relieved of my burdens. What attracts me to the idea of Higher Power, is that all this control I thought I had may actually be not mine. But how? I have a sense now, that the world is one large, alive being that I am a part of. I do not know what this being's mind, heart and purpose is, but I do know that it all is a lot bigger than I am. I question whether I can ever know more than that and what I should do with that knowledge. How do you live your life when "you" are not in-charge? What is the purpose of this one little life in the face of the vastness or the ONE LIFE? Can surrendering one's will cause there to be a greater peace? Did I ever have a separate will to begin with? Questions and more questions. How to answer them?

The idea of kindness towards myself and others, and a realistic sense of life, seems the most attractive part of the whole quote. My life has been a series of furious and desperate attempts to make my life, "right". Do what was right, good and correct, but always with a sense of failure behind it all. I felt the weight of that whole dilemma on my shoulders, and mine alone. If I could not contact my Higher Power, my soul, and know it's inscrutable design for my life, then I was screwed. I felt constant tension, constant worry, constant fear. How can you just "Let go, and let God" as they say in one of the Al-Anon slogans? How does this all work? I intend to keep asking these questions....

More later.

Thanks for listening:)

keep coming back!

Looking forward to: My NAMI class tonight.

Challenges: Trying to understand more about Higher Power.

Step 1 - Day 9

Mood: Tired. Slept almost 10 hours. Trying to catch-up on lost sleep. It's my day off, so I have some extra time. Feeling very sad today. Worry can be so draining. Anxiety is poison.

Music: "Oleo", by Sonny Rollins. Smooth, clean Jazz. The kind that can keep you going, when nothing else can. Thanks Sonny:)

Garden: Warming up. I spent about an hour just laying on the hill beside the house, with the cats circling around me, just feeling the warm grass under my back and watching the clouds drift by above me. The trees are starting to leaf out. Green is starting to return all around. Peaceful.

Step 1:

"We admitted that we were powerless over ____(alcohol) - that our lives had become unmanageable"

Grief seems to come in waves, in stages. I feel it like a weight, a force. It seems to have a gravity. it adds heaviness to everything. It creates a fuzzy perception, and almost thin film that seems to block certain kinds of light, sound and such. It muffles the world, muffles emotion. Dampens everything with it soggy weight. It's insistence on being endured, felt. Why must it though? What does it give back, in return. It just seems to take. it seems so selfish, so limited. It feels like a tight place where all you can see, feel and taste is that which you can't have.

I got a call from my mother, that a truck driver had called her, using my son's cell phone. My son had hitched a ride and left his phone in the driver's cab. Now the driver was trying to find him, via his phone's address book. When he reached my mother, she called me, since the driver did not want to give his name and number to her. The times are strange, we reach out to help, by picking up a stranger, never ask his name, or tell him ours. Then when we try to help him get his lost item back, another nice gesture, we protect ourselves by being anonymous. "Strange times indeed", as Lennon would say.

This event brought up a number of feelings for me. First, worry about that fact that he was hitching around. Worry at who was giving him rides and how dangerous that might be. And sadness that his life seems to consist of transience, moving about, disconnection. I wonder what he is doing with himself all day, these days. I know where he is staying, generally, at a friends. How often he actually stays there, and what that is like for him, I don't know. I do know the family is very permissive, and let's there son have friends over there drinking and drugging. I know in the past he has even dealt drugs out of there home, with their compliance. Other than that, I don't know anything anymore about what he is doing, or where, or with whom he is staying. Argghh.............Will this pain ever end??

Back again. Just returned from an Al-Anon meeting and heard a very inspirational story of a woman member. It was different than mine, but harrowing. "But for the grace of God"- came to mind. It's one of the AA slogans. I'm just starting to learn about them and read about a few today. Her story brought that home. I wouldn't say her situation was worse, just different, yet I related to her trying to keep her head up, trying to live life in a positive way, despite all the fear and negative relationships. From looking at her I would have NEVER guessed that that was her experience. It really did hit that home too. How little you can know from just looking at someone. A huge lesson in humility about not making assumptions about anyone. Always a good message to hear.

OK. A short session, since I'm tired and heading to bed. I am going to read some from a new book I picked-up at the meeting. "The Courage To Change". It's a daily reader, one message for each day, mostly of stories by Al-Anon members of their experience. Today's message was about unity in diversity, that the strength of the groups is in their representation of the universality of the experience of alcohol, addiction, co-dependence and how we can heal from the effects of all of that. Our group is very diverse. There are teens all the way to 80 year olds. Every walk of life. I love that phrase-walk of life. That life is a journey but we each walk our own path, one step at a time. The strength that comes from so much collective wisdom is awesome.

After the meeting I went and had some iced tea with a friend, a fellow Al-Anon member, who also has a mentally ill young adult child. It was very good to have her fellowship about Al-Anon, mental illness, as well as parenting a young adult with mental illness. Such a gift from higher power to bring this woman back into my life at just the right time. You children went to high school together, and are now both diagnosed with BP. She is also my teacher in the NAMI Family-To-Family group. I feel right now she is the only one who really understands what I am going through. Amazing to have her friendship. Thank you good friend! OK, time to really head to bed!!

Thanks for listening.

Keep coming back:)

What to look forward to: NAMI class.

Challenge: Getting the truck back from the shop at work tomorrow and getting back on track with the business. Wish me luck!

Step 1 - Day 8

Mood: Relieved. The day fell into place. No catastrophes. First day w/o boss went smoothly.

Music: "Trouble is..." Kenny Wayne Shepard. Guitar god.

Garden: Cherry blossom in full riot, though it is still only April. Scary....

Step 1:

"We admitted we were powerless against ____(alcohol) - that our lives had become unmanageable"

Full day. Writing group in the evening. Too tired to write at this point. Will pick-up tomorrow:)

Thanks for listening.

Keep coming back!

Things to look forward to: Al-Anon group and my therapy appointment. Also, the recycle center and working in the garden.

Challenges for tomorrow: Trying to not worry about my son.

Step 1 - Day 7

Mood: Pensive. My boss is about to go on vacation tomorrow, leaving me in-charge. Suddenly my car needs to be in the shop and a vehicle at work breaks down. Nothing like everything imploding when you are about to leave to make you think someone think they are indispensable....

Music: "Black Betty", by Ram Jam. Slash guitars mixed with an old blues lyric. Classic:)

Garden: Crocuses are crocing, Bluebells are bluing and Daffodils are daffing. The world is good.

Step 1-

" We admitted we were powerless against_____(alcohol)- that our lives had become unmanageable".

It 's interesting how quickly you can become annoyed by a question. But maybe that's because I am about to get somewhere with it? What is annoying me is that I am having to try to answer this question when I haven't seen my son in almost five months. That in and of itself is annoying, frustrating, saddening, worry and grief-inducing, just for starters. I guess it's the nature of an attachment, that the bigger the attachment, the bigger the withdrawal when it is removed or taken away from you. I am not addicted to my son in my life, but I guess I would have to admit that I seem to be powerless against my fear and worry about him, at this point. It feels like a sickness itself.

But am I getting that right? What am I saying here? It's really that I am powerless to control him, his mind, his mental illness, his habits, his appetites. Anything that he does basically. But is it that I really want to control him ? I want to help him control himself, so he does not have to be in any pain or suffer. But is that even right? Maybe it is me that is afraid to suffer? I want to control what causes me to feel something that I don't want to feel. Can I really prevent him from experiencing pain? No. Can I prevent all or any of his suffering? No again. Arrh. Ouch! This hurts just to say this. I feel tears coming. I want to cry. It hurts so much to think of him in pain or suffering like this.

Am I over thinking this? Can you have bad experiences or challenges, or whatever you want to call it, and not be devastated by them? Can I feel my feelings but not be overwhelmed by them too? What am I getting at here? What am I trying to say? I am trying to say that I feel bad. I feel bad right now because my son has a mental illness. I feel sad at what kind of chaos it is causing in his life. I feel sad because he does not want me in his life right now. I feel sad because I feel powerless to help him. I feel sad because I am afraid for him. I feel sad because I am afraid he is scared. I feel sad because he may feel Scared and possibly alone and unloved. My stomach hurts thinking about all this.

Can I really help him? Can I really help him in the way he needs most right now? I could help him with food, clothing and shelter. But where would he be then? Would that help his mind? He would be safe and secure, but that would not guarantee that he would stay. Even if he was here tonight and I was doing everything right, being supportive, non-judgemental, kind, gentle and nurturing, he would still have to deal with his own mind. Anything could be going through his head about me or himself. He could decide to walk out the the middle of the night and I could not stop him. He could decide to lock himself in his room for a week and not eat, bathe or sleep. Then where would we be? I would still feel scared, guilty, responsible and worried.

When would I not feel worried or scared for him? When could I feel completely safe and secure about him? Even if he were in college, had a lot of friends, a nice girlfriend, he felt good about his life and where he was going with it, I could still find things to worry about. I could still find things to want for him. I could still keep seeing what could be more or better for him. Isn't it true that no matter what you have, you always want more? You see the next hill, and the next and the next? When are any of us ever REALLY satisfied? When could I say, "this is enough, this is fine, this is great"? I'm not sure I have EVER felt that way. Not ever. Wow! painful stuff!

So what would it look like if I could just accept this situation, as it is, right now? Could I admit I was powerless? Do I really know this to be true? When I say powerless, what do I mean? I mean that it is beyond my control. I mean that it is not my situation. It is the other persons. It means that I may hate what they are doing, or not doing, for themselves or in relationship to me. It may mean that I feel angry, hurt, rejected, unappreciated, misunderstood and taken for granted. It may mean I feel embarrassed, disappointed, frustrated and sad. It may mean that no matter what I do it doesn't make any difference, probably because it is not me that has to do the "doing". It may mean that no matter what I say, I am ignored.

So what do all these feelings and lack of control mean when it is someone you love, or someone you love very much who is also a relative, son, daughter or partner? It means that it can really affect you. Affect you very deeply and that you have to try to figure out a way to deal with those feelings. Even if you can't do anything about what the person you love does, or what it evokes for you, you have to find a way. I know this may sound obvious, but I am finding it not so obvious, at times. It is easier said than done. When a person you love is sick, harming themselves, and you can literally do nothing about it, it HURTS!. Try it. Well, I'm assuming if you are here, you already know what I am talking about...Don't you.

So what can you do for yourself if that is the only person you do have any control over? Well, first and foremost, you have to admit that you are powerless. You have to admit it. I am not sure I am there yet. This idea is being posed and I am not sure I can admit it yet. That is the idea though. If I admit I am powerless, then to a certain extent, I have to admit that I am giving up. But what am I giving up? I feel I am giving up hope at this point. That's how it feels. I am not being allowed to do anything for my son. He is not allowing it. But I still feel if I were smarter, cared more, knew how to influence people better, then I could still be doing SOMETHING. Anything other than writing this blog, which probably no one is reading. I am not sure I am ready yet to admit it. I will not lie, though it is what is being asked of me.

Powerlessness is a very unpopular idea and trait. In this country, to admit you are powerlessness is like admitting that you have no will, no drive, no determination. That you don't care. These are almost cardinal sins in a capitalist and industrialized country like ours. This country was built on entrepreneurs, on people with strength and courage. I feel like admitting that if I am powerless it means that I am admitting that I am afraid and weak. That I will not fight for who and what I love. I know I am being asked to look at this another way, but it is what is coming up for me. But what would I be fighting for? Fighting for things to be the way I want them to be? To not be in pain? To not have to suffer?

I know, what I am writing about looks ridiculous as I write it. But this is good. It is better then it running through my head where I have no way to really look at it. To see it from a different angle. Writing this blog is like talking to a very patient, calm friend who is a great listener. How often do you really get that? I can say anything here, and I know I will not be criticized, punished, I will not be rejected. Well, maybe by those reading the blog, but not by the blog itself. Well, maybe not by the readers too:) This is very helpful, to keep writing about this, keep seeing what comes out of my mind, what feelings emerge, and just be with them. I have to keep trying, at least.

Enough for now.

Thanks for listening!

Keep coming back * sigh*

What I have to look forward to: My car being fixed and save to drive tomorrow!

Challenges to deal with: Keeping the business from exploding while the manager is away:)

Step 1 - Day 6

Mood: Recovering. Returned from the retreat, unpacked, cleaned and had dinner. 32 pages written this weekend!

Music: "Concerto for Flute", Vivaldi. Very soothing. I remember this piece from an old recording my father had, that I played when I was a child. My father loved classical music.

Garden: Outside same. Inside, the watercress that I didn't get transplanted yet, but kept in a bucket of water, grew 6 inches in two days! That's one prolific plant:)

Step 1:

" We admitted that we were powerless against ______(alcohol) - that out lives had become unmanageable"

It surprised me that I did not write anything about my son all weekend. Anything directly, that is. Directly, in the sense, that I wrote about him and what he is going through right now. Or what I am going through in regards to him, other than the blog. I did think about him though. I thought about how every good experience I go through, I wish he were there to share it, so we could have some more good memories together. I want him to have more memories of me happy, and more memories of us happy together.

I am tired and I so I want to be concentrated in what I write at this time. I will not write as much as I have the last several days. I had a scare driving home this afternoon. As I passed through the largest town in my county, I was driving down main st. and I thought I saw my son walking down the sidewalk. This is not the town he is staying in though. This is a big town in the area that he knows people in, and might go to spend some time in though. He doesn't have a car, so he would have to hitch hike there.

As I drove past this young man, I saw that he was about my sons height, had the same color hair, and a beard like my son has had at times. I have not seen my son since early March, so he may have regrown his beard since then. When he has, he has tended to look rather wild, like a wild mountain man. This young man had a sort of wild, unkempt look. He had on a dark jacket, that I did not recognize, almost a fatigue jacket and a baggy pair of jeans as my son sometimes wears. My heart started to race. The young man did not look in good shape. He looked sort of rumpled, dirty and sad. This I thought I saw all in a flash, as I drove past at 25 ml. per hour.

As soon as I drove past him I decided to turn around and see if it was him. I was concerned by the way this young man looked, and I was concerned that if it was him, he was 25 miles from where he had been staying, and it was getting to be late in afternoon. Some part of me had to know if it was him, even if I did not stop, even if I did not let him know that I saw him. I had to know if it was him or not. I looked ahead and realized I'd have to go up the road a ways to turn around. I was suddenly afraid I might lose sight of him, and not know if it was him, but I had no choice now. I had to go look.

I went up ahead and finally got the car turned around, then started heading back in the right direction, toward who I thought was my son. As I did this I thought about whether I should let him know I saw him after all. I thought about how he might feel, or if he would ignore me. I thought about if he were in a very depressed state, and what I would do if he were. My imagination started to run though all these scenarios; what he might be like, what I would do, depending on how he was and if I could handle it emotionally. I felt on a mission now.

As I kept driving back in the right direction I did not see him. I thought maybe he had stepped into a restaurant, or crossed the street to the library. I was now concerned at how disappointed I would feel if he had and I had missed my chance to know it was him. I realized I really wanted to know if it was him now, and I was hoping that we might be able to talk. I was hoping that it would be much more than just me spotting him, actually. I was hoping that he would be glad to see me, and that this 5 month separation could begin to be bridged.

I realized all of this as I was driving down the street. I realized that my desire, my fear, my worry and my possible disappointment were starting to grown unmanageable. In the span of a few short minutes from not even thinking about him at all, I was now having waking fantasies of a reunion and reconciliation. I realized all this had been a festering deposit of fear and emotion that had been simmering under the surface for quite some time. Every time I drove down the road near where I lived, or where I knew he was staying, it was my secret wish that I would see him and that we could speak.

This need for a parent to know their son or daughter is OK is normal, to a point, but where it gets unmanageable is when the son or daughter is going through a crisis or challenge and it causes the parent to worry incessantly. The constant worry is one of the most un-serene states of mind a human being can experience. There is nothing more terror-inducing than the fear and worry a parent can have for a sick or vulnerable child. Even though everyone says that worry does not help, will not change anything, it seems that is preferable sometimes to feeling as if you have nothing to do at all. This is very contradictory and therefore mentally destabilizing.

As I drove down the street I saw the head of the young man I had spotted bobbing down the street up ahead. I recognized the coat and began to breathe a little easier that, at least, I hadn't lost him completely. Suddenly, the light up ahead changed and I knew I would have to stop for it. My worry suddenly increased five-fold again. "So close", I thought. "Here we go again", I also thought. I thought "Higher power", which I am not convinced is real at this point, but for the sake of argument let's use the term. I thought, "what kind of cruel trick are you playing on me? Is this a test? Why are you testing me like this?"

What would be the test in this? What could higher power be trying to show me, with this sequence of events? The siting, the delay in turning around and driving back, the red light? I thought, "you get to see your own mind, your own emotion tied up in him, in this moment". "But, what am I supposed to learn from this? How can I help myself, help him, by understanding myself right now" I thought, " "You still don't trust him. You still don't trust his higher power. You still think you need to be in control on some level. You still think that without you, not much good could be happening to him", I also thought.

These thoughts were painful to realize, painful to hear. I still kept thinking of him as broken, vulnerable and that he was only bound to be in-trouble and unhappy without me helping him in some way. Why could I not think that he could help himself, or that he may have resources of his own, other people in the world that could care for him and help to help himself? Was I afraid of being replaced? Did I believe that I was the best for him right now? Was it possible to believe that there were other forces out in the world besides those that cause pain for him? For me?

These are questions I am still thinking about tonight. I am not done with this yet, but I wanted to acknowledge that I had become aware of them. I also wanted to acknowledge that I was aware of how much pain they were causing me. Or that I was causing myself. Causing myself this pain because it was not based on fact, on actual observable fact. They were the fantasy and speculation that my mind indulged in as I attempted to find out if the young man I saw was, in fact, my son. And just in-case you are still interested. He wasn't. The light turned green, I drove past, saw that it wasn't and realized I had spent the last ten minutes in a mental state of pain and worry. All because of my lack of trust and a very active imagination. A deadly combination!

That's all for now.

Thanks for listening!

Keep coming back:)

What I have to look forward to: sleep in my own bed, after two days on an air mattress with a sleeping bag and on a cold, rainy porch.

Challenge tonight: To not obsess about where my son is, and if he is OK and safe. It's still hard.