Mood: Confused. I saw my son a community gathering last night. He seemed good. I hugged him and tried to talk with him, but he was distant. It still hurts so much.
Music: "Another day," by Jim Gilmour. A song about acceptance, of life as it is, not what we "think" it should be.
Garden: Double dug the final bed of the veggie garden this morning. raked all the beds to break up clods, and make the soil fine enough to plant in. Starts go in tomorrow.
Step 3-
" Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him."
I feel raw this morning, after seeing my son last night. I am being reminded that no matter what happens in my life, it is my decision as to how I want to experience it. I am experiencing it as pain and suffering. Pain at the concern I feel for my son, his choices of who he is associating with, and whether I should be doing anything for him. Suffering at wanting it to be other than how it is. Wanting him to be well. Wanting us to not be where we are. Wanting not to be feeling what I am feeling right now. I feel angry, I feel disappointed. I feel scared. I feel worried and I feel confused. What should I do? I should I handle all this?
Sunday, June 20, 2010
Friday, June 18, 2010
Step 3 - Day 61
Mood: Floating. I have been feeling very much in my love body, my self that is OK with things, as they are. It feels like being in-love. I feel so much tenderness toward everyone.
Music: Putamayo compilation, "India," a mix of contemporary East Indian artists.
Garden: I weeded and pulled up grass around flower beds and such, since I don't have a weed whacker yet. hands work just find though, and can be more precise.
Step 3-
" Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood him"
I have been thinking about God, creator, and what the nature of my relationship to Him is. Before you can turn your will and your life over to Him, you have to have an understanding of who or what the Him is, as well. I currently see this as a dance of that which is Him, in the world, with other aspects or reflections of Him. I am a shard of the whole, and I am the shadow and reflection of the same whole as well. My mind, heart and body are an aspect of the creators, like a cell in a larger body, and I work with or interact with other cells, to do various functions together. Not all cells have the same function though. Brain cells and liver cells, do not do the same job.
How does this work then, when I look at the Third Step? If I am already an aspect of the creators will, then how can "I" turn myself over to Him? Who is doing the turning over? More accurately, it would be that which believes it to be separate, individual, the ego, that must surrender to the will of the creator, to God. The pain and suffering we experience are the direct result of this false sense of self believing it is in-charge, and running the show. When this false self does not get it's way, it can be a terror. The true self knows, at all times, what is best. what is actually happening is the true will of the creator. It is only the attachment, and reaction to this, by the ego, that causes all the pain and suffering in the world.
I, the "me" that I think I am, can either realize that that it is unreal, and therefore not in-charge, or it can assert itself and fail. Either way, reality will continue to unfold, with or without the ego's help. Myself as an aspect of God's will, can rest in the joy, and float in the love, that permeates all events, and all happenings, knowing that everything is OK, just the way it is. This is the only true reality. This is the only real perspective. The workings of the universe are vast and unknowable. All "we" can do is just watch, and respond to, what is right here, right now. Our little piece of heaven. Let everything else take care of itself.
Can the ego decide to turn itself over to the will of God? Is it every really in-charge of this at all? if everything happening is the will of God, then isn't the turning over, or surrendering to God's will as well? All "we" can do again, in this instance, is just to observe, to see what is really there. When we look, when we really look, there is no ego, no personal will, and there never was. It was just an illusion. It has no life of itself. It is the mistaken identity, of something that cannot be. And this mistaken identity has it's own life-span. It will "die", in it's own time and in it's own way. So relax! There is a plan for everything.
Thanks for listening!
Keep coming back:
Music: Putamayo compilation, "India," a mix of contemporary East Indian artists.
Garden: I weeded and pulled up grass around flower beds and such, since I don't have a weed whacker yet. hands work just find though, and can be more precise.
Step 3-
" Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood him"
I have been thinking about God, creator, and what the nature of my relationship to Him is. Before you can turn your will and your life over to Him, you have to have an understanding of who or what the Him is, as well. I currently see this as a dance of that which is Him, in the world, with other aspects or reflections of Him. I am a shard of the whole, and I am the shadow and reflection of the same whole as well. My mind, heart and body are an aspect of the creators, like a cell in a larger body, and I work with or interact with other cells, to do various functions together. Not all cells have the same function though. Brain cells and liver cells, do not do the same job.
How does this work then, when I look at the Third Step? If I am already an aspect of the creators will, then how can "I" turn myself over to Him? Who is doing the turning over? More accurately, it would be that which believes it to be separate, individual, the ego, that must surrender to the will of the creator, to God. The pain and suffering we experience are the direct result of this false sense of self believing it is in-charge, and running the show. When this false self does not get it's way, it can be a terror. The true self knows, at all times, what is best. what is actually happening is the true will of the creator. It is only the attachment, and reaction to this, by the ego, that causes all the pain and suffering in the world.
I, the "me" that I think I am, can either realize that that it is unreal, and therefore not in-charge, or it can assert itself and fail. Either way, reality will continue to unfold, with or without the ego's help. Myself as an aspect of God's will, can rest in the joy, and float in the love, that permeates all events, and all happenings, knowing that everything is OK, just the way it is. This is the only true reality. This is the only real perspective. The workings of the universe are vast and unknowable. All "we" can do is just watch, and respond to, what is right here, right now. Our little piece of heaven. Let everything else take care of itself.
Can the ego decide to turn itself over to the will of God? Is it every really in-charge of this at all? if everything happening is the will of God, then isn't the turning over, or surrendering to God's will as well? All "we" can do again, in this instance, is just to observe, to see what is really there. When we look, when we really look, there is no ego, no personal will, and there never was. It was just an illusion. It has no life of itself. It is the mistaken identity, of something that cannot be. And this mistaken identity has it's own life-span. It will "die", in it's own time and in it's own way. So relax! There is a plan for everything.
Thanks for listening!
Keep coming back:
Monday, June 14, 2010
Step 2 - Day 60
Mood: Shaky. Had a very interesting time going to a teaching of a favorite teacher with a friend of mine. After wards he and I had a late-night picnic dinner at a Dairy Queen, even though we didn't buy anything from them. We talked of many things and he was so kind, so kind, and trying to be do helpful....It's great to let yourself be loved and taken care of sometime.
Music: "Love Henry/Cherokee Shuffle", by June Tabor. Old-timey music from the British Isles. A foot-stomping waltz. Old ballad of lasses and beaus and courting. Good stuff.
Garden: Waiting patiently for my return. I did weed out a bunch of milk weed shoots that were sprouting up. They grow so fast, like bamboo, when I lived in Mississippi.
Step 2 -
"We came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity"
I think it's time to switch to Step 3 now. I can feel it. More tomorrow.
Thanks for listening!
Keep coming back:)
Music: "Love Henry/Cherokee Shuffle", by June Tabor. Old-timey music from the British Isles. A foot-stomping waltz. Old ballad of lasses and beaus and courting. Good stuff.
Garden: Waiting patiently for my return. I did weed out a bunch of milk weed shoots that were sprouting up. They grow so fast, like bamboo, when I lived in Mississippi.
Step 2 -
"We came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity"
I think it's time to switch to Step 3 now. I can feel it. More tomorrow.
Thanks for listening!
Keep coming back:)
Sunday, June 13, 2010
Step 2 - Day 59
Mood: Pensive. I have not heard or seen from my son in more than a week, and phone calls go unanswered. I hope he is alright. I am not sure if I should be worried.
Music: "Leaving Trunk", by Taj Mahal. He sings about having blues three different ways in this song...Now that's an accomplishment! Blues squared. That's some serious blues.
Garden: Still wet and soggy.
Step 2-
"We came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity."
Thanks for listening!
Keep coming back:)
Music: "Leaving Trunk", by Taj Mahal. He sings about having blues three different ways in this song...Now that's an accomplishment! Blues squared. That's some serious blues.
Garden: Still wet and soggy.
Step 2-
"We came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity."
Thanks for listening!
Keep coming back:)
Saturday, June 12, 2010
Step 2 - Day 58
Mood: Tired. Worked at a friend's music festival last night till midnight. Up for work today at the usual time. Yawn:)
Music: "Rock And Roll Band," by Boston. Fitting, since I hung out with the bands last night at the music festival, and will again tomorrow. Most of them are from out-of-town and even some from out of the country! I work the green room, so I get to see the unglamorous side of being a touring musician. It is a really a job most of the time!
Garden: Wet. No change there.
Step 2-
"Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity."
The last few days in the CTC, they have been covering the 12 Steps sequentially, one step per-day. Since I have not covered these steps, other than to read then at meetings, I have been glossing over them, finding my attention not focusing very well. Also, it has been rather busy this week, with all sorts of Summer happenings, so I have not been as focused as I could be, usually. Today's step is Step ten. it talks of continuing to take personal inventory, so that you can make amends as soon as you can, to keep your slate clean. It made me think of Step 4, in which you do the first initial inventory, the major clean-up. I ave been trying to imagine what that would be like, and how daunting it could be, since I am such a perfectionist. I find it hard to remember some things that happened last week, let alone 20-30 years ago, but I suppose as you start the clean-up process, it becomes easier.
So let's go back to Step 2, which is where I am at, at least for now, but I am feeling I am getting ready to head into the next step, Step 3, as this 12 Steps in 12 Months process continues. My definition of this Power greater than myself is continuing to evolve. Since I am a studier of non-dual teachings, as well as 12 Step, I can see similarities, if you choose to look for them. In non-dual teachings, you are coming to recognize who you really are, as the witness, or watcher, to all that is manifest of transpiring. In the 12 Steps, you are recognizing that "you" are not in control, and that the "you" that you thought you were, is in-fact a collection of habits, traits and conditioning, which may or may not change, but that you can experience serenity in knowing this a living with surrender to "who" is really in-charge.
By knowing that the Power we talk about in 12 Step work is the clear, serene awareness that we talk about in non-duality, and that is in-fact who you really are, you can learn to rest in that state of pure being and be much less attached to who the personality does. This does not mean irresponsibility though. It means that there is divine wisdom, and a divine plan, that is manifesting, and by surrendering and trusting in that, you can "let go, and let God" and enjoy your life a whole lot more. Irritations that are caused by "others" bother you a whole lot less as well, because it is all seen as part of a plan, and one that is so fast and complex, that the mind of this one personality could never grasp it all.
Restoring us to sanity is the process of that surrender, that letting go. Restoring us to serenity is the act of trusting and allowing, being with and blessing what is happening, no matter what, as being OK, because it is part of the plan. This can be a radical thing for a personality that is addicted to being in control and having it's way. This does not mean though that the personality ever experiences what might be called pleasure. But when it does, we are not attached to that as well. Either way, pleasure or pain, as the personality sees it, is accepted as what is. The serenity comes in knowing and living by this. Sanity is restored when we no longer see ourselves as just the personality, but a loving and wise God, acting THROUGH the personality, to fulfill it's will. Nice, huh?
Thanks for listening!
Keep coming back:
Music: "Rock And Roll Band," by Boston. Fitting, since I hung out with the bands last night at the music festival, and will again tomorrow. Most of them are from out-of-town and even some from out of the country! I work the green room, so I get to see the unglamorous side of being a touring musician. It is a really a job most of the time!
Garden: Wet. No change there.
Step 2-
"Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity."
The last few days in the CTC, they have been covering the 12 Steps sequentially, one step per-day. Since I have not covered these steps, other than to read then at meetings, I have been glossing over them, finding my attention not focusing very well. Also, it has been rather busy this week, with all sorts of Summer happenings, so I have not been as focused as I could be, usually. Today's step is Step ten. it talks of continuing to take personal inventory, so that you can make amends as soon as you can, to keep your slate clean. It made me think of Step 4, in which you do the first initial inventory, the major clean-up. I ave been trying to imagine what that would be like, and how daunting it could be, since I am such a perfectionist. I find it hard to remember some things that happened last week, let alone 20-30 years ago, but I suppose as you start the clean-up process, it becomes easier.
So let's go back to Step 2, which is where I am at, at least for now, but I am feeling I am getting ready to head into the next step, Step 3, as this 12 Steps in 12 Months process continues. My definition of this Power greater than myself is continuing to evolve. Since I am a studier of non-dual teachings, as well as 12 Step, I can see similarities, if you choose to look for them. In non-dual teachings, you are coming to recognize who you really are, as the witness, or watcher, to all that is manifest of transpiring. In the 12 Steps, you are recognizing that "you" are not in control, and that the "you" that you thought you were, is in-fact a collection of habits, traits and conditioning, which may or may not change, but that you can experience serenity in knowing this a living with surrender to "who" is really in-charge.
By knowing that the Power we talk about in 12 Step work is the clear, serene awareness that we talk about in non-duality, and that is in-fact who you really are, you can learn to rest in that state of pure being and be much less attached to who the personality does. This does not mean irresponsibility though. It means that there is divine wisdom, and a divine plan, that is manifesting, and by surrendering and trusting in that, you can "let go, and let God" and enjoy your life a whole lot more. Irritations that are caused by "others" bother you a whole lot less as well, because it is all seen as part of a plan, and one that is so fast and complex, that the mind of this one personality could never grasp it all.
Restoring us to sanity is the process of that surrender, that letting go. Restoring us to serenity is the act of trusting and allowing, being with and blessing what is happening, no matter what, as being OK, because it is part of the plan. This can be a radical thing for a personality that is addicted to being in control and having it's way. This does not mean though that the personality ever experiences what might be called pleasure. But when it does, we are not attached to that as well. Either way, pleasure or pain, as the personality sees it, is accepted as what is. The serenity comes in knowing and living by this. Sanity is restored when we no longer see ourselves as just the personality, but a loving and wise God, acting THROUGH the personality, to fulfill it's will. Nice, huh?
Thanks for listening!
Keep coming back:
Thursday, June 10, 2010
Step 2 - Day 57
Mood: Rebelling. My spiritual friend gave me an assignment to do, to learn how to play Bridge, and start a bridge club. He thinks I spend too much time reading, studying and thinking about spiritual things. He says I need balance, and that I need to learn to relax and have some fun. But Bridge? I am not a big fan of card games. OK, we'll see...
Music: "Greensleeves", by Loreena McKennitt. King Henry the 8th's ballad to one of his many lovers or wives, I'm not sure which. Very romantic, if you don't know the morbid back story:)
Garden: Wet and blooming. The iris bed is a riot of purple blooms. Gorgeous!
Step 2-
"We came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity"
Music: "Greensleeves", by Loreena McKennitt. King Henry the 8th's ballad to one of his many lovers or wives, I'm not sure which. Very romantic, if you don't know the morbid back story:)
Garden: Wet and blooming. The iris bed is a riot of purple blooms. Gorgeous!
Step 2-
"We came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity"
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
Step 2 - Day 56
Mood: Scared. I just called a spiritual friend, to talk with him, and spent about an hour hesitating. Not sure why. Feeling nervous, that I needed, or wanted help from him. Would be willing to give it?(I knew he would, actually) But it's the asking, or the needing to ask, that seem to be most of the trouble. The STILL needing help, maybe?
Music: "Sunday Morning Coming Down", by Johnny Cash. Johnny is great at describing the despair and angst of the unawakened state. The feelings of being lost, but not found.
Garden: The lawn is mowed!! Yes, finally. Veggie garden still needs to be put in, but that will have to wait till Monday evening.
Step 2-
"We came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity"
What happens when the Power, greater than yourself, comes in the form of a teachers consciousness and wisdom? Would you listen? Would you let yourself be guided? Is there ever a time when you should follow? We read of the hope and wisdom of our fellow Al-Anon members. This is wisdom that is being shared, from the depth of Higher Power, through them. We all have this same awareness, but not all of us listen, or heed it to the same degree. Some are much "saner" than others. Occasionally, do have the great good fortune to meet someone like this. But will you recognize it? And will you listen when they speak?
Thanks for listening!
Keep coming back:)
Music: "Sunday Morning Coming Down", by Johnny Cash. Johnny is great at describing the despair and angst of the unawakened state. The feelings of being lost, but not found.
Garden: The lawn is mowed!! Yes, finally. Veggie garden still needs to be put in, but that will have to wait till Monday evening.
Step 2-
"We came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity"
What happens when the Power, greater than yourself, comes in the form of a teachers consciousness and wisdom? Would you listen? Would you let yourself be guided? Is there ever a time when you should follow? We read of the hope and wisdom of our fellow Al-Anon members. This is wisdom that is being shared, from the depth of Higher Power, through them. We all have this same awareness, but not all of us listen, or heed it to the same degree. Some are much "saner" than others. Occasionally, do have the great good fortune to meet someone like this. But will you recognize it? And will you listen when they speak?
Thanks for listening!
Keep coming back:)
Monday, June 7, 2010
Step 2 - Day 55
Mood: Participating. I am participating in my life, observing what is happening and taking notes. Ah, "so this is what I do when......."
Music: The River.
Garden: Still waiting for my loving attention. It will have to wait a bit longer, still, though.
Step 2-
"Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity"
Who is this self I am talking about, when I say "myself" or "ourselves"? This is a crucial question. The immediate response I can give, when I think of that, is my personality. That collection of habits, behaviors and traits that are a result of my life and circumstances. As I have seen, when I have tried to see if any unwanted traits or behaviors could be changed, that they sometimes do, but often not when "I" want them to. I have sometimes tried for years to change something, only to see it change overnight, without "my" effort at all.
How? Why? "Who" is responsible for this change then, if it is not "me"? There is no better way to see that there is a Higher Power, than to contemplate this phenomena. It truly is out of "my" hands! The challenge is for me to allow, or surrender to, the reality that there really is no "me" running the show. There never was. My greatest suffering has come from this belief that there ever was this "me". So, how can I return to this pure awareness, before all the insanity and confusion started? I am told, that that awareness has never left "me", it is just buried under all the muck.
Winnowing away, allowing to fall away or drop-off. That is the process that must transpire. Maybe allowing is not even a good word for it. Observing. Watching it happen. It will happen when it will. The "I", the one that thinks it is watching, may be the one that will fall away, only to reveal the real "I", the witness, that has been observing all along. What a relief to know "I" am not in-charge of all this! it has been a tremendous burden to bear. The "I" that thought is was is getting near ready to lay down and give it a rest. A permanent rest.
Thanks for listening!
Keep coming back:)
Music: The River.
Garden: Still waiting for my loving attention. It will have to wait a bit longer, still, though.
Step 2-
"Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity"
Who is this self I am talking about, when I say "myself" or "ourselves"? This is a crucial question. The immediate response I can give, when I think of that, is my personality. That collection of habits, behaviors and traits that are a result of my life and circumstances. As I have seen, when I have tried to see if any unwanted traits or behaviors could be changed, that they sometimes do, but often not when "I" want them to. I have sometimes tried for years to change something, only to see it change overnight, without "my" effort at all.
How? Why? "Who" is responsible for this change then, if it is not "me"? There is no better way to see that there is a Higher Power, than to contemplate this phenomena. It truly is out of "my" hands! The challenge is for me to allow, or surrender to, the reality that there really is no "me" running the show. There never was. My greatest suffering has come from this belief that there ever was this "me". So, how can I return to this pure awareness, before all the insanity and confusion started? I am told, that that awareness has never left "me", it is just buried under all the muck.
Winnowing away, allowing to fall away or drop-off. That is the process that must transpire. Maybe allowing is not even a good word for it. Observing. Watching it happen. It will happen when it will. The "I", the one that thinks it is watching, may be the one that will fall away, only to reveal the real "I", the witness, that has been observing all along. What a relief to know "I" am not in-charge of all this! it has been a tremendous burden to bear. The "I" that thought is was is getting near ready to lay down and give it a rest. A permanent rest.
Thanks for listening!
Keep coming back:)
Sunday, June 6, 2010
Step 2 - Day 54
Mood: Jubilant. Went on a spiritual retreat yesterday and felt reaffirmed in my awareness of myself as aligned with Higher Power's will at-all-times. That, in-fact, I am Higher Power, working through this life and individual will, to create serenity in all my actions. For the good of all.
Music: "Where was I?" by Kenny Wayne Shepherd. A ballad to Higher Power. "I've been standing in the spotlight, like a king without a crown. Where was I before you came around? Where would I be without you loving me? Higher Power is love.
Garden: Don't ask :)
Step 2-
"Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity."
Can I know myself to be who I really am, without the reflection and reminding of who I really am by others? I am a facet of a great and glittering jewel. That jewel sees itself, reflected in itself, and reflects itself back to itself. Like a cosmic hall of mirrors, but not the scary kind :) I am reflecting something back to each person I meet. Whether what happens appears to be pain and distrust, or joy and love. It is an opportunity to affirm who I really am. Pain is as much a path and doorway to the shining face of Higher Power, as a close, and trusted friend. If not the most direct path.
This is the point I am trying to make. Everything in my experience is being presented to me by Higher Power. Everything is an opportunity to break down the resistance, and refute the insanity of the ego. When I do something harmful, it is just the reaction of my scared and fearful ego, trying to defend and protect itself. Attacking others is just one of those ways. Attacking myself is also another. When I trust that Higher Power is a force that can direct all action and activity in this life, then I am surrendering to the best of myself. The best I have to offer in any given situation.
Thanks for listening!
Keep coming back:)
Music: "Where was I?" by Kenny Wayne Shepherd. A ballad to Higher Power. "I've been standing in the spotlight, like a king without a crown. Where was I before you came around? Where would I be without you loving me? Higher Power is love.
Garden: Don't ask :)
Step 2-
"Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity."
Can I know myself to be who I really am, without the reflection and reminding of who I really am by others? I am a facet of a great and glittering jewel. That jewel sees itself, reflected in itself, and reflects itself back to itself. Like a cosmic hall of mirrors, but not the scary kind :) I am reflecting something back to each person I meet. Whether what happens appears to be pain and distrust, or joy and love. It is an opportunity to affirm who I really am. Pain is as much a path and doorway to the shining face of Higher Power, as a close, and trusted friend. If not the most direct path.
This is the point I am trying to make. Everything in my experience is being presented to me by Higher Power. Everything is an opportunity to break down the resistance, and refute the insanity of the ego. When I do something harmful, it is just the reaction of my scared and fearful ego, trying to defend and protect itself. Attacking others is just one of those ways. Attacking myself is also another. When I trust that Higher Power is a force that can direct all action and activity in this life, then I am surrendering to the best of myself. The best I have to offer in any given situation.
Thanks for listening!
Keep coming back:)
Friday, June 4, 2010
Step 2 - Day 52
Mood: Hopeful. I just keep handing it over to Higher Power. What else can I do?
Music: "Roundabout", by Yes. "I spend the day your way...." A great way to keep remembering it's Higher Power, not me, in charge. A love song to the universe.
Garden: Oh, don't ask. Too wet to mow this morning. Won't be able to get to it till Sunday. It is what it is.
Step 2-
"Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity."
As I lay in bed this morning, I decided to review step 1, to check-in with myself about where I was at with it. I wanted to do this in preparation for next thinking about step 2. Step 1- "We admitted we were powerless over alcohol (mental illness)-that our lives had become unmanageable" I need to review this today, because after yesterdays events, I felt like I got caught up in a family argument, about what we needed to do for my son, and how we were going to do it. That if we didn't do it, he would not get the help he needed. That he would flounder, and go untreated, unhelped.
We argued about what kind of help he needed, and who could give it to him. In essence, we were trying to manage his disease and his healing. Right after I found myself getting caught up in the discussion, I started to feel I was slipping down the slippery slope of feeling as though I was my son's Higher Power. That it was all on my shoulders. It did not feel good. It did not feel comfortable. I started to see myself assessing others in the family, and those trying to help my son, and finding I was criticizing them, and the way they were going about trying help my son.
I felt I saw things clearer than they did, and that if I did not speak up, they would damage him. I started to feel responsible for all of it, all over again. I stated to feel that I was the only one that really understood him, and that no one else cared enough to try to see things from his point of view. I felt as though they just wanted him to behave, that nothing he said had any merit to them. That his questions and concerns were just his attempt to avoid responsibility and he should just shut up and co-operate. As I am writing this, I feel my stomach tightening. I feel the anxiety rising. Obviously, it is still striking a nerve.
I saw myself slipping into the same rut I had been in, before I had heard step 1. I had started to forget that I was powerless, and I started to pick up my old tried-and-true ways of trying to gain control, because I felt uncomfortable surrendering, and trusting, in what Higher Power would try to do with and for my son. It did not feel good. I started to feel like I could go down the path of obsessing about what and who I should talk to, what I would say to them, how I would say it, all to try to get the right outcome, change the right minds, and make what happen the way I thought it should go. I had to take a deep breath this morning and repeat step 1 a few times.
So then I turned to the CTC, to see what today's message would be. I read, "The Second Step is about possibility, about hope. With this Step, we come to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. We are asked to open our minds to the possibility that help is available. Perhaps there is a source of assistance that is available to do for us, what we have been unable to do for ourselves. We don't have to believe that it will happen, only that it could.
This little bit of hope, this chink in the armor of despair, is enough to show that we are willing to move in the direction of healing. Once we recognize that the possibility of help exists, it seems worthwhile to explore a relationship with a Higher Power. A little willingness can go a long way toward making hope and faith an on-going part of our lives. In the hands of an Higher Power, sanity and serenity become realistic hopes." Seeing this was such a good reminder to why I am trying to do all this. Hope. I am moving with, and toward, hope.
So, where am I at with hope and a Higher Power to help my son, but also myself? I have been questioning if this is something that is strictly on a mental and emotional level, or, does it involve action. I have not felt. lately, that I could take action, or that my attention and action was welcome or required. I still don't. But I am going to trust that Higher Power will show me, when and if, I should. In the mean time, I will try to practice listening, and not just fill my mind with a lot of chatter. Chatter is just my will and ego doing all the talking.
This is hard for me to do because my mind is used to working overtime. It has been a very potent tool and drug for me. It has given me a sense of superiority in relationship to others. It has also made me feel alienated from others, because of this. So how do I listen, and how do I know when Higher Power has spoken to me, and that it is from Higher Power and not my own ego? People at the Al-Anon meeting last night talked about two acronyms for ways to approach challenging situations. "THINK" and "HALT". T.H.I.N.K stands for, Is it "Thoughtful, Honest, Necessary or Kind."? H.A.L.T stands for, are you" Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired."?
These questions and concepts are supposed to help you review your intentions, before you act, to decide if the action is for the highest intention and good of all concerned. Nine times out of ten, it seems, you probably decide that it is NOT necessary to act. Interesting huh? It makes you realize how much of thought, speech and action is motivated by fear. Fear which precipitates anger, control and abusive actions. I can attest to that. I have done things in the past to manipulate others into doing, or not doing, what we want them to do. But in the Twelve Steps, we are often asked to surrender, or accept, Higher Power's will. That what is happening is for our highest good, whether we can see it or not. That does not mean, though, to accept abuse.
It also means that Higher Power is acting to restore us to sanity. Step Two is saying that living other than by Higher Power's will is acting from a place of insanity. That we have become disconnected, and lost touch, with this source of benevolence and good will. The will of that which created us. That by surrendering and allowing this will to guide our actions, and our lives, a true order and sanity will re-emerge. It will balance and correct all that is in our lives as well. This hope for peace and serenity, in the midst of whatever may be occurring, is the true gift that serenity offers. Why would you ever want to live any other way?
Thanks for listening!
Keep coming back:)
Music: "Roundabout", by Yes. "I spend the day your way...." A great way to keep remembering it's Higher Power, not me, in charge. A love song to the universe.
Garden: Oh, don't ask. Too wet to mow this morning. Won't be able to get to it till Sunday. It is what it is.
Step 2-
"Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity."
As I lay in bed this morning, I decided to review step 1, to check-in with myself about where I was at with it. I wanted to do this in preparation for next thinking about step 2. Step 1- "We admitted we were powerless over alcohol (mental illness)-that our lives had become unmanageable" I need to review this today, because after yesterdays events, I felt like I got caught up in a family argument, about what we needed to do for my son, and how we were going to do it. That if we didn't do it, he would not get the help he needed. That he would flounder, and go untreated, unhelped.
We argued about what kind of help he needed, and who could give it to him. In essence, we were trying to manage his disease and his healing. Right after I found myself getting caught up in the discussion, I started to feel I was slipping down the slippery slope of feeling as though I was my son's Higher Power. That it was all on my shoulders. It did not feel good. It did not feel comfortable. I started to see myself assessing others in the family, and those trying to help my son, and finding I was criticizing them, and the way they were going about trying help my son.
I felt I saw things clearer than they did, and that if I did not speak up, they would damage him. I started to feel responsible for all of it, all over again. I stated to feel that I was the only one that really understood him, and that no one else cared enough to try to see things from his point of view. I felt as though they just wanted him to behave, that nothing he said had any merit to them. That his questions and concerns were just his attempt to avoid responsibility and he should just shut up and co-operate. As I am writing this, I feel my stomach tightening. I feel the anxiety rising. Obviously, it is still striking a nerve.
I saw myself slipping into the same rut I had been in, before I had heard step 1. I had started to forget that I was powerless, and I started to pick up my old tried-and-true ways of trying to gain control, because I felt uncomfortable surrendering, and trusting, in what Higher Power would try to do with and for my son. It did not feel good. I started to feel like I could go down the path of obsessing about what and who I should talk to, what I would say to them, how I would say it, all to try to get the right outcome, change the right minds, and make what happen the way I thought it should go. I had to take a deep breath this morning and repeat step 1 a few times.
So then I turned to the CTC, to see what today's message would be. I read, "The Second Step is about possibility, about hope. With this Step, we come to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. We are asked to open our minds to the possibility that help is available. Perhaps there is a source of assistance that is available to do for us, what we have been unable to do for ourselves. We don't have to believe that it will happen, only that it could.
This little bit of hope, this chink in the armor of despair, is enough to show that we are willing to move in the direction of healing. Once we recognize that the possibility of help exists, it seems worthwhile to explore a relationship with a Higher Power. A little willingness can go a long way toward making hope and faith an on-going part of our lives. In the hands of an Higher Power, sanity and serenity become realistic hopes." Seeing this was such a good reminder to why I am trying to do all this. Hope. I am moving with, and toward, hope.
So, where am I at with hope and a Higher Power to help my son, but also myself? I have been questioning if this is something that is strictly on a mental and emotional level, or, does it involve action. I have not felt. lately, that I could take action, or that my attention and action was welcome or required. I still don't. But I am going to trust that Higher Power will show me, when and if, I should. In the mean time, I will try to practice listening, and not just fill my mind with a lot of chatter. Chatter is just my will and ego doing all the talking.
This is hard for me to do because my mind is used to working overtime. It has been a very potent tool and drug for me. It has given me a sense of superiority in relationship to others. It has also made me feel alienated from others, because of this. So how do I listen, and how do I know when Higher Power has spoken to me, and that it is from Higher Power and not my own ego? People at the Al-Anon meeting last night talked about two acronyms for ways to approach challenging situations. "THINK" and "HALT". T.H.I.N.K stands for, Is it "Thoughtful, Honest, Necessary or Kind."? H.A.L.T stands for, are you" Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired."?
These questions and concepts are supposed to help you review your intentions, before you act, to decide if the action is for the highest intention and good of all concerned. Nine times out of ten, it seems, you probably decide that it is NOT necessary to act. Interesting huh? It makes you realize how much of thought, speech and action is motivated by fear. Fear which precipitates anger, control and abusive actions. I can attest to that. I have done things in the past to manipulate others into doing, or not doing, what we want them to do. But in the Twelve Steps, we are often asked to surrender, or accept, Higher Power's will. That what is happening is for our highest good, whether we can see it or not. That does not mean, though, to accept abuse.
It also means that Higher Power is acting to restore us to sanity. Step Two is saying that living other than by Higher Power's will is acting from a place of insanity. That we have become disconnected, and lost touch, with this source of benevolence and good will. The will of that which created us. That by surrendering and allowing this will to guide our actions, and our lives, a true order and sanity will re-emerge. It will balance and correct all that is in our lives as well. This hope for peace and serenity, in the midst of whatever may be occurring, is the true gift that serenity offers. Why would you ever want to live any other way?
Thanks for listening!
Keep coming back:)
Thursday, June 3, 2010
Step 2 - Day 51
Mood: Steady. I am starting to really get a sense of what this serenity thing might be all about. It is really a huge weight off my shoulders to not feel responsible for saving my son.
Music: "Witness", by Sarah McLachlan. Such a beautiful song about desiring for that authentic awareness of our true, awake and serene selves. All the ways we deny ourselves amidst the confusion and chaos of life. Let go and let God.....
Garden: Half mowed. I mowed the lawn yesterday till I ran out of gas for the mower. Now it is raining and I half to pick up more gas. Tomorrow? At least the Irises look amazing!
Step 2-
"Came to realize that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity"
Today feels on edge, to a certain degree. Because my son is refusing to take medication, many people involved with his situation and life, are having a lot of reactions and issues about it. First, though, he is in a court-based mental health program, as part of alternative sentencing. So it is not as though he is just free, to do as he chooses. He is there because of crimes that were committed, with the root cause being seen as his newly diagnosed mental illness.
These crimes were peeing on someones car, in-public, and trespassing on someones property to make a protest about private ownership of land.In both incidents, he did not harm anyone. He was not violent, and he did not damage anything permanently. Unless you think a little urine will permanently damage a paint job. So what is the real issue?
The real issue is seems, is that he was being a public nuisance. He was infringing on other peoples right, for them and their property, to be left alone. Free of disturbance and harassment. For that, if he does not comply with the MHC program, he will be held for up to 6-12 more months. He had already done two months, in the county jail, before he agreed to the MHC alternative sentencing program.
Now, since he is not agreeing to take meds, they feel those crimes are worthy of another year of his life. I don't know if I agree with that. He has been out of jail for 4 months now and has not re offended, or committed any more crimes. Whether he would have, if had had not been in the MHC program, I do not know. If he had not been required to be clean and sober would his moods have precipitated another incident?
In this time he also had a psych eval, that determined that he has Bi-Polar disorder. He has not had counseling. He got an EBT card. He shows up for weekly meetings with his case worker. Other than that, he has had no kind of therapy or help with trying to work on his issues. The family even paid for the psych eval. The state did not. So what exactly are they trying to accomplish here? What is their goal?
Obviously, my son is not in a strong place. He does not have any plans for his life, and he is living in a very sketchy living situation. It is heart wrenching to see that. I don't know how, or if, he is learning anything from this. I don't know how he sees his life, and how he would like to see his life look, in the future. I don't know if I should do anything about it.
So as his mom, what is my role? Should I advocate for him? Should I try to help? Should I let the system do what it does, even if unenlightened and punitive? In the CTC reader today, it said, " In order to keep family and friends from interfering with their drinking (mental illness), alcoholics (mentally ill people) sometimes create diversions by accusing or provoking.
At such a time, we who have been affected by someone else's drinking (mental illness) tend to react, to argue or defend ourselves. As a result, nobody has to look at the alcoholism (mental illness) for we are too busy focusing on the particular point being argued-any topic will do. And, unfortunately, what we defend against we make real."
It goes on to say, "When we take step one, we admit that we are powerless over this disease. We do not have the strength necessary to fight it. Defending ourselves by engaging in arguments with actively drinking and otherwise irrational people is as fruitless as donning armor to protect ourselves from a nuclear explosion. Only a power greater than ourselves, can restore us to sanity"
I keep thinking about this over and over today. Here the family is, arguing by email, about what we should be doing, who is right, who is wrong. Is it OK for him to not be taking meds? Is it OK for the court system to lock him up if he doesn't? But, we all think that it is up to us to get him well. That what we do, or don't do, will be pivotal in this. In reality, it is not up to us, his illness or his wellness. So what should we do? What should the MHC program do? What is fair, right and good for him and the community? I will ask Higher Power to help me with this one.
Thanks for listening!
Keep coming back:)
Music: "Witness", by Sarah McLachlan. Such a beautiful song about desiring for that authentic awareness of our true, awake and serene selves. All the ways we deny ourselves amidst the confusion and chaos of life. Let go and let God.....
Garden: Half mowed. I mowed the lawn yesterday till I ran out of gas for the mower. Now it is raining and I half to pick up more gas. Tomorrow? At least the Irises look amazing!
Step 2-
"Came to realize that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity"
Today feels on edge, to a certain degree. Because my son is refusing to take medication, many people involved with his situation and life, are having a lot of reactions and issues about it. First, though, he is in a court-based mental health program, as part of alternative sentencing. So it is not as though he is just free, to do as he chooses. He is there because of crimes that were committed, with the root cause being seen as his newly diagnosed mental illness.
These crimes were peeing on someones car, in-public, and trespassing on someones property to make a protest about private ownership of land.In both incidents, he did not harm anyone. He was not violent, and he did not damage anything permanently. Unless you think a little urine will permanently damage a paint job. So what is the real issue?
The real issue is seems, is that he was being a public nuisance. He was infringing on other peoples right, for them and their property, to be left alone. Free of disturbance and harassment. For that, if he does not comply with the MHC program, he will be held for up to 6-12 more months. He had already done two months, in the county jail, before he agreed to the MHC alternative sentencing program.
Now, since he is not agreeing to take meds, they feel those crimes are worthy of another year of his life. I don't know if I agree with that. He has been out of jail for 4 months now and has not re offended, or committed any more crimes. Whether he would have, if had had not been in the MHC program, I do not know. If he had not been required to be clean and sober would his moods have precipitated another incident?
In this time he also had a psych eval, that determined that he has Bi-Polar disorder. He has not had counseling. He got an EBT card. He shows up for weekly meetings with his case worker. Other than that, he has had no kind of therapy or help with trying to work on his issues. The family even paid for the psych eval. The state did not. So what exactly are they trying to accomplish here? What is their goal?
Obviously, my son is not in a strong place. He does not have any plans for his life, and he is living in a very sketchy living situation. It is heart wrenching to see that. I don't know how, or if, he is learning anything from this. I don't know how he sees his life, and how he would like to see his life look, in the future. I don't know if I should do anything about it.
So as his mom, what is my role? Should I advocate for him? Should I try to help? Should I let the system do what it does, even if unenlightened and punitive? In the CTC reader today, it said, " In order to keep family and friends from interfering with their drinking (mental illness), alcoholics (mentally ill people) sometimes create diversions by accusing or provoking.
At such a time, we who have been affected by someone else's drinking (mental illness) tend to react, to argue or defend ourselves. As a result, nobody has to look at the alcoholism (mental illness) for we are too busy focusing on the particular point being argued-any topic will do. And, unfortunately, what we defend against we make real."
It goes on to say, "When we take step one, we admit that we are powerless over this disease. We do not have the strength necessary to fight it. Defending ourselves by engaging in arguments with actively drinking and otherwise irrational people is as fruitless as donning armor to protect ourselves from a nuclear explosion. Only a power greater than ourselves, can restore us to sanity"
I keep thinking about this over and over today. Here the family is, arguing by email, about what we should be doing, who is right, who is wrong. Is it OK for him to not be taking meds? Is it OK for the court system to lock him up if he doesn't? But, we all think that it is up to us to get him well. That what we do, or don't do, will be pivotal in this. In reality, it is not up to us, his illness or his wellness. So what should we do? What should the MHC program do? What is fair, right and good for him and the community? I will ask Higher Power to help me with this one.
Thanks for listening!
Keep coming back:)
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
Step 2 - Day 49
Mood: Sad. I saw my son last night at his ball game and read an email from his step-mom about his visit to his dad's house last night, and I just feel worried and depressed about how he is, and if things will ever get better for him.
Music: "The Beauty of Grey", by Live. Trying to keep my heart open to what this experience is teaching me, that "there but for the grace of God...." We are all not much different than each other. One mans sanity is another mans insanity. Who is right?
Garden: Bushy. Is rained again this morning or I would have mowed, finally. We'll have to see what tomorrow is like. Timing has not been on my side...
Step 2-
"We came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity."
Music: "The Beauty of Grey", by Live. Trying to keep my heart open to what this experience is teaching me, that "there but for the grace of God...." We are all not much different than each other. One mans sanity is another mans insanity. Who is right?
Garden: Bushy. Is rained again this morning or I would have mowed, finally. We'll have to see what tomorrow is like. Timing has not been on my side...
Step 2-
"We came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity."
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