Step 1 - Day 33

Mood: Confused. I went to court with my son yesterday, who is now back in-touch with me, but I am feeling confused about "who" I am dealing with.

Music: "Johnny Too Bad", By Taj Mahal. Taj's re-make of a Jimmy Cliff song. A song about a man running from the law......Not unlike my son, but maybe for different reasons.

Garden: Running wild. Still need to mow. Beautiful wildflowers everywhere. Almost a shame to butcher them with spinning blades. We'll see...

Step 1-

"We admitted we were powerless over alcohol, that our lives had become unmanageable"

I looked on the calender and realized I had gone over the time-frame set out for the blog, of 1-step-per-month. I think I was ready to change, but my now doing the blog for a week, I had just forgotten what I had set for myself as goal. This is good, because I am ready for a new step, even if just for now. I know steps a worked on all-at-once, in-reality, but the intensity of visiting it for a month solid does have it's effects. So on to the next step......

Thanks for listening!

Keep coming back:)

Looking forward to: See my teachers tonight, a talk.

Challenge: Wondering if my son will come with me tonight, actually.

Step 1 - Day 26

Mood: Churning. I've been more aware these last few days of the particular brand of neurosis I subscribe to. What I am doing, every moment of every day, mentally. Not sure it will ever change, but at least I am seeing it more than I have.

Music: "Spanish Castle", by Jimi Hendrix. Great song for a raining day, to make you fel kick-ass when it is otherwise soggy, dreary and sleepy.

Garden: Wet! The lilacs are starting to bloom. I have been loving the progression of the various species of flora that are volunteering themselves for my enjoyment. I'm waiting for another dry day to mow the lawn now. It finally really needs it.

Step 1-

"We admitted we were powerless over ___(alcohol)-that our lives had become unmanageable"

So, if anyone noticed, I haven't written anything for the last two days. was it laziness? Overwhelm? Avoidance? Or a combination of all the above. So be it. It is past. I know I just didn't want to write. I decided not to hammer myself about it for a change. I have been feeling the weight of realization, but it has not been feeling liberating. It has felt painful. Not more stuff that I do! Yuck! I am very attached, I guess, to the significance of what it is I do or am. There seems to be an ideal of what is good, right or expected. And then there is what I do, which is somehow not. So much judgement, internally, all the time. Where did it all come from? And why do I feel I come up short most of the time?

Thanks for listening!

Keep coming back:)

Step 1 - Day 23

Mood: Mellow. I decreased my Kava Kave and tried to relax more, not give myself a huge to-do list. Things got done and I actually enjoyed doing them. Even washing the kitchen floor:)

Music: "On The Road Again", by the Memphis Jug Band. Old-timey Delta jug band. Pioneer music.

Garden: Raking some more. Finished the back and am enjoying all the wild flowers springing up on the lawn before I mow it for the first time. Almost a shame. Loving my Hoesta too!!

Step 1-

"We admitted we were powerless over ____(alcohol)-that our lives had become unmanageable."

Today has been somewhat different. I decided when I woke up, at 7 am, that I would go easy on myself. I decided to just do what seemed to come. It was a lovely day, sun and somewhat cloudy, but just the right temperature-not too humid, not too cool. I read from my CTC reader and sat on the porch having breakfast. I tried to stay present, just watch things, my thoughts and emotions, as well as what arose in-terms of activity. I knew I had an appt. with my counselor at 2:30 pm, otherwise I decided to leave it open. I noticed that a part of me still needed to make a list and chart of what could happen at what time of day. So I made the list.

I watched as the list became before 2;230 pm and after 3:30 pm, then evening. As things fell into each category I noticed some had more "juice" than others. Maybe a better way to put it would be less resistance. I went forward with what beckoned. I made bread, washed the dishes, put new flea collars on the cats then decided to shake out all the rugs. That naturally led to changing the cat litter, sweeping and washing the kitchen floor. As that dried I decided to go out and rake the leaves behind the house. That done I came in a finished by sweeping the floors and putting all the rugs back. The whole time I did these things I just watched myself doing them.

What occurred was that time "slowed" down. I became content to just do what I was doing. I did not think of what was next, or how long the activity would take. I just thought, "it will be done when it is done, the I will see what needs doing next." I found that each activity took the time it did and I did not have a lot of internal chatter, thinking about what was worrying me, what I needed to still get done, how I was doing and if I would see my son soon. I found this time gave me a mental vacation that I had not had in a while. I felt refreshed after doing all these chores, things I was actually thinking about avoiding earlier, to do things I thought I wanted to do more, like reading books, emailing, writing the blog and what not. I did not miss any of that.

I went to my appointment and talked with my counselor about my recent severe self-abuse, that left me feeling so weak and tired, drained and disgusted. I also talked about my morning before coming to see her. I compared the set up to each situation and found that I was using the events of my son's diagnosis with mental illness, and his not being in contact with me, to open up a whole host of negative opinions, critiques and self-talk. I also saw that it went further back than that. I went back to every man in my life, past and present, whom I craved approval from, on one level or another. Starting with my father, my ex-husband, the father of my son, a man I had an unrequited love interest in, that I still had to see on a regular basis and my son. I has strong attachment to what all of these men thought of me, and my resulting consequent self-esteem.

I left the appointment and was thinking about errands I could do in a town about 25 mls. away, then realized that I would not make the main place I wanted to go, by 4:30 pm, when they closed. I decided to walk next door and see if the beauty parlor could take me as a walk-in, since I needed a Spring trim. The one attendant there said she had been quiet for more than and hour and welcomed me to sit down. I had a very nice time being pampered by her and walked out still feeling like I was getting things I needed to get done on my list. I decided to return home and do what came next. When I returned home I made and early dinner, put the bread away which had cooled and sat down to write this blog. Still, everything seemed to be flowing and I continued to watch.

Now, I am about to head out to my Al-Anon meeting in about 3o min and I want to reflect, briefly, on what I read in the CTC reader earlier today. It said, " Humility was a tough concept for me to comprehend. Taught from childhood to place the wants and needs of others always above my own, I equated humility with taking care of others and ignoring my own feelings and needs.....I begin to learn humility when I take the First Step. By admitting that I am powerless, I make room for the possibility that a Power greater than myself can do all those things that are beyond my reach. I other words I begin to learn what is, and is not, my responsibility. As this becomes clear I am better able to do my part, for myself and others, and better able to ask God to do the rest."

What this reading means to me today, is that there is a plan for my life and others. I could not have written this several months ago, when my son had just been released from jail, homeless, and in the coldest part of Winter. I felt the need to rescue him, even though he was not asking me too. I have been noticing that when I take care of what is mine, and only mine, things get done and I do not feel exhausted and spent from it. I could only do this because I am having faith, and trust, that the same is true for my son and others in my life.

I am not feeling compulsive to rescue right now, but I am still struggling with what my son's illness means in-terms of who I am, as a parent, a mother and if I am responsible for that. This is still a daily reflection, because I am not convinced that I am off-the-hook, or that there is a Higher Power out there, but I do feel less frantic when I am not trying to rescue the world. Maybe the world does not need to be rescued, or at least not by me, and I can concentrate on what I can do, which is take care of me. This taking care is not just in the form of keeping my home clean though, it is also in the much deeper way of not being my own worst enemy. I have been the harshest critique and have lambasted myself continually for my son's condition.

The CTC reader goes on with a daily reminder, saying, " part of learning humility is learning to contribute to my own well-being. Today I will do something loving for myself that I'd normally do for someone else. Since I haven't done anything but stay home and clean the house, I would say what I have contributed to myself today is to be a better friend. I have often listened to others tell me of their trouble and challenges and tried to be compassionate and kind. I have tried to really listen to them and help them not judge themselves too harshly. I have rarely done this for myself though. In fact, the exact opposite. I have spent hours internally yelling at myself, judging and criticising. I am seldom kind with myself, even when I drop something or am clumsy.

So, for the remainder of the day I will continue to try to watch myself, just watch, without judgement and have greater compassion and forgiveness for the very human person that I am. I will try to just watch if uncharitable thoughts about myself arise in relationship to anything about my son, and just say, "ah, there you are, at it again." I will try to continue to do some nice things for myself and be forgiving of myself if I do not feel the ability to speak in the meeting tonight. I will speak when, and if, I am ready. That is just the way it is, until it is different. Time to get ready!

Thanks for listening!

Keep coming back:)

Looking forward to: Al-Anon meeting tonight and watching a good movie this evening.

Challenges: Staying present with whatever comes-up, and just accept that that is where I am at.

Step 1 - Day 22

Mood: Very heavy. Almost like depression. I think I have been taking too much Kava Kava. I notice it goes from mellow to morose if I do. We'll see if tomorrow is better when I cut my dose.

Music: "Love Warriors", by Tuck Andress. An anthem to living by love. I need to find my heart first:)

Garden: Wonderfully smelly. I sat out on the porch and just drank in the scents that were wafting by. Floral. woodsy, grasses, pine. All the smells I love most.......

Step 1-

"We admitted we were powerless of ____(alcohol)-that our lives had become unmanageable."

Today, the way my life feels unmanageable, in-terms of addictions, is that I struggle to think of myself. To care for myself. To love and regard myself. It is amazing how out-of-touch you can become with yourself, when you are constantly worrying about someone else. It feels unmanageable when I think about myself and I would rather be caught-up in someones crisis, then just live a quiet, peaceful life, taking care of my own business. To say I like my life, life who I am and where I am at, is a challenge. Of course, no one can change these things but me too.

So, how do I get to a place where I am really happy with myself and my life? Today's CTC reader said, " Who am I? When I came to Al-Anon I thought I knew the answer to that question, but I discovered that my answers were all out-of-date because I had long ago stopped asking myself who I was. I could tell you about the alcoholics, and everyone else in my life-their likes, dislikes, opinions and feelings- but I had no such answers for myself." Again, wow! How does it keep happening like this, that this little book keeps nailing me? It's like these folks are reading my mind.....Maybe they are :)

So, who am I? And why does that question always make me so uncomfortable? I've spun around that question for years, but it always seems to hinge on what I am willing to feel passionate about, what I care about. To feel passion you have to feel. Why is that so hard for me? Why am I so afraid to admit what I care about, what moves me? If I do then I feel exposed. I feel as though I will be found out. If I am found out then I will somehow be punished? it will be taken away? I will lose it? If I allow myself to feel then I will be vulnerable. I will be disappointed. I will be hurt.

I feel a knot in my stomach just thinking about this. I feel like I have to justify whatever I feel. I feel I have to defend it. I feel whatever I like is suspect. But by whom? It is amazing how much you can hide from yourself. Not know yourself. Be afraid to own who you are. It makes me break into a sweat and I feel anxious writing about this. What if I make a mistake? Will I be stuck? Can I change my mind? Is it OK to be who I am and like what I like? Why should I even have to ask this question? Who am I trying to convince or please? Who or what am I afraid of?

That's all for now.

Thanks for listening!

Keep coming back:)

Looking forward to: Having the day off and meeting with my counselor.

Challenges: Keep looking at what is feeling really painful.

Step 1 - Day 21

Mood: I woke up really tired this morning. Not sure why. Dragged around the house, trying to get ready for work. It's raining, and warm. I sat on the deck eating breakfast and listening to the birds.

Music: "Revival", the Allman Brothers. Does this mean a spiritual revival? Or reviving the senses? Lots of tambourine, like a gospel tent meeting:) "People can you feel it, love is everywhere." Nice.

Garden: Damp. I love smelling all the earthy smells, that the rain brings out. It reminds me of the first few times I left the city, where I grew up, to camp in the woods. It was a spiritual awakening for me. The cats seemed to like it too. We enjoyed our breakfast, all senses alive, with the earth.

Step 1-

"We admitted we were powerless over ___(alcohol)-that our lives had become unmanageable"

When I was at the new Al-Anon meeting last night a man came up to me to welcome me to the meeting. It was after the meeting was over, and he wanted to reassure me that no matter what my experience, nothing I could say would scare him. He had "seen it all". So he hoped I felt comfortable at the meeting. I thanked him for his acceptance of me and my situation.

Then started talking about "our illness" as he put it. The illness of worry and taking responsibility for others. He had talked at the meeting about one of his first Al-Anon meetings and encountering the idea that others addictions were not "something he caused, something he could control, or something he could cure" I said I was trying to understand that, but not sure I agreed with it yet.

He said that the addict has to find their own way to sobriety. Nothing we can do will help that. If they want to drink, or do drugs, get out of their way. Even if they want to drink or drug themselves to death. I said I couldn't handle hearing that, right now, in relationship to my son. I said It scared me too much, and hurt too much, to think about. He said understood, but did not change his stance. He encouraged me to "keep coming back" to the meetings, that is.

Ironically, or not so ironically, when I opened my CTC reader this morning, what should I read? It said, "Detachment. At first it may sound cold and rejecting, not loving at all. But I have come to believe that detachment is actually a wonderful gift: I am allowing my loved ones the privilege and opportunity of being themselves. I do not wish to interfere with anyone's opportunities to discover the joy and self-confidence that can accompany personal achievements. If I am constantly intervening to protect them from painful experiences, I also do them a great disservice. "

I have wanted to protect my son from painful experiences, especially, if having a mental illness means he is at an increased chance of stigma and discrimination. Things are still not great for mentally ill people. Systems are not enlightened. I can be thankful that because of his arrest, he ended up in one of the best jurisdictions in our area. They have a mental health court, which is more enlightened than some, where they will try to treat the illness, the cause, not just the arrests, which are the result. I still hope they will treat him with compassion and respect also.

This is not where I ever thought we would be though. I never in my wildest dreams imagined that he would be at his age, mentally ill, in the judicial system and with almost no resources. It is taking every ounce of faith I have to believe that he will somehow get some support and healing from all this. It still makes me cry at night and makes me worry in the morning. I am still trying to find some serenity with this as well. It is my daily meditation at this point.

The extra spin I seem to add to it all though, is that I am responsible for all of it. That is what I am torturing myself with. I abuse myself mentally with the idea, too, that I am the only one that can help him. Rescue him and maybe "cure" him. Hearing that gentleman say last night what he said, made me remember that I had heard the saying he mentioned before. "I did not cause it, I cannot control it and I cannot cure it" How do these Al-Anon folks know my number so well? How did I get so sick too?

I feel as though, since my son was born, I have been dealing with trauma and difficulty. He was born prematurely, with a stillborn twin. He was somewhat jaundiced and was found to have apnea shortly after. He ended-up on a respiration monitor for the first 6 months of his life. Scary months. Terrifying months. How did that wire us both for all this later? I have always been feeling like I have been rescuing him. His father turned-out to not be that great a dad, not as involved and attentive as I had hoped, so I always felt it was up to me to look out for him.

It is very hard to relinquish that role, when it seems like I have been doing it all his life. Now, when he is at his most vulnerable and needy, I am being told by his caseworker and by him, to stay out of it. Let him have some space. I want to trust and believe that he will be OK, that he will land on his feet, but why does he always choose the hardest road? I worry that he feels he has to do it alone, and that he shouldn't ask for help. Not been a burden or a bother? When is it OK to help him them?

I am just going to have to turn it over to Higher Power, because I obviously don't know what to do. I still feel guilt at having anything good happen in my life, when I am not sure if he is OK. Today's reminder is, "Sometimes it is more loving to allow someone else to experience the natural consequences of their own actions , even when it is painful for both of us. In the long run both of us will benefit. Today I will put love first in my life." OK, Higher Power. I am ready for you to remove the pain and worry I am feeling about my son, and give me the ability to trust in you, for both our sakes.

Thanks for listening!

Keep coming back:)

Looking forward to: Relaxing at home and trying to feel some joy.

Challenges: Trusting more in Higher Power.

Step 1 - Day 20

Mood: I did another number on my self this morning. I woke up feeling good enough, but then my mind went to town on myself, seeing all my faults and weaknesses, and then I put myself in a thorough funk. Where does all this crap come from? This nasty, defeating and self-loathing voice?

Music: "Sir Duke", by Stevie Wonder. Fun and funky. Gets you up and dancing. I just wish I had played it earlier, when I needed that kind of pick-me-up.

Garden: Lazy and warm. Almost 80 degrees. The cats are napping in the shade of the porch.

Step 1:

"We admitted we were powerless over___(alcohol)-that our lives had become unmanageable"

Where does this internal spew come from? Why do I just persist in telling myself, quietly in my own head, what a fuck-up I am? I start to thinking about everything that I feel is less than wonderful about myself; my weight, my parenting, my accomplishments or lack of them, my family life, my lack of close friends, etc. On and on and on. There is no end to the list sometimes.

I don't see how I can stand myself, but I do. In fact, I believe what this voice is saying. Then I watch my mood slip down to a pace that I am oh, so familiar with. A place of comfortable misery. Somehow, I have become very familiar with this place. It is so comfortable in-fact, that I often don't even notice that I am there, yet again. Like an old, dirty sock. I just seem to steep and stew in that place a lot. It's gross, actually. How do we become to used to our pain? So willing to accept it?

I flipped open the CTC reader and read this for today. "Sometimes I spend so much time staring at my problems that I miss the guidance I am being given. When I let go of the need to do it by myself, I can listen to others and receive direction from my Higher Power. I become better able to move beyond my problems and start solving them....When I accept that help often comes in unexpected forms, I can release my hold on the problem and become willing to receive help."

So, if my problem is the ugly, mean-spirited self-talk I do to myself, how can I eliminate that? How can I stop verbally abusing myself, for a change? How can I stop treating myself worse than anyone else does, so I can start knowing what it feels like to respect, and maybe even love myself? What a concept! NO one can do it for me till I can do it for myself.

I think what made it hard for me to write much about yesterdays topic, and finish yesterdays blog, was the same issue. I was feeling overwhelmed by my own self-loathing. Yesterdays topic was about what you feel you need, before you can be happy. All the conditions you put on your happiness. It could be things, it could be relationships or it could be states of mind,etc. My happiness seems to come down to the state of happiness itself. Can I eve live in that place, and not this perpetual cesspool of pain?

I feel a lot of failure that I have negative feelings too. I see that as a weakness. I desire to be free of all feelings of fear, anger or anything that doesn't feel good. I also see this a personal failure that I cannot seem to "control" those thoughts. That I am at the mercy of them all the time. They cause emotional upset, and I go around in a funk. A state of disgust with myself. Adding insult to injury. So, is this really in my control? If this is a form of addiction, an addiction to negative thought? Am I powerless over this?

Today's reading is about accepting help, once we stop trying to solve our own problems all the time. If this is a big problem for me, negative thoughts towards myself, then how do I "let go and let God"? Do I just ask Higher Power to take these negative thoughts away? Do I ask that my self-loathing and self-hatred be removed? How can I know there is a Higher Power to ask this of as well? It's one thing to ask. It's another thing to have faith, to believe, that it will happen.

I just came back from another Al-Anon meeting, this time a few towns over from mine. I wanted to see what this new group might be like. It was small, nine people, but I spoke for the first time. I was encouraged that there was some guidance being given when I heard other people at the meeting talking about the negative self-talk and worry that runs through their minds and that over time, working the program, they saw it diminish. That was very good to hear!

It really is an illness when you incessantly worry about someone else. It is harder, I think, to not have that worry when it is your child. While they grow up, you are supposed to think about them, but at some point you are supposed to transfer that over to Higher Power. Maybe I don't trust and believe in Higher Power enough to "let go and let God", in this case as well. So how can I be reassured? How can I be convinced, so I don't feel the job is all mine anymore?

This will be the question for tomorrow. I will ask Higher Power to help me to feel greater trust and faith, that it is there not only helping me, but also my son. I have been a spiritual person, in the past. Not a religious person, but I have entertained that there is some kind of master plan, or planner, responsible for all this. What is harder, is when you have to accept that what appears to be "bad" may also be part of that plan. Especially so, if it happens to someone you love.....

Thanks for listening!

Keep coming back:)

What to look forward to: Another quiet day at home.

Challenges: Finding greater faith and trust in Higher Power.

Step 1 - Day 19

Mood: I woke up very early and lay in bed, just listening to the birds. Then my mind started to wander and I really got myself in a funk about my son. So much for staying in the present.

Music: "St. Teresa", by Joan Osbourne. Sad song about street people. Not a cheery thought to inject into my day, with me still worrying about my son and all.

Garden: Chirpy. Lots and lots of birds coming in to check things out. My cats have their tails twitching, almost spastic, from this sudden movable feast. How would you feel if hundreds of pieces of chocolate with wings suddenly landed on your lawn?

Step 1-

"We admitted we were powerless over ___(alcohol)-that our lives had become unmanageable"

I woke up in a good mood but started to dwell on all the ways I feel I am less than lovable. I kept thinking about all the things that I wished were different with my life. At the top of the list was my son's condition and the state of our relationship as well. I found myself appealing to Higher Power to give me everything I really want, if it is the will of same. I had a LONG list I started to think how much I want and need to make me happy, or so it would seem. I know. I am good at this one. Too good. I flipped open the CTC reader. CTC is Courage To Change, for short. I will use this instead, from now on. Well, yet again, the reader nailed me. Nailed me hard.

It made me wonder if these entries are written to follow each other in some magical way. Like brain washing or mind control. Imagine, all Al-Anon folks reading the same ideas each morning. A giant mass meditation would be occurring, on the same topic. Imagine the psychic breakthroughs that can happen when so many people are dwelling on the same thoughts, at the same time, in terms of world healing. Interesting......So, here is what the CTC had to say today, " At a recent Al-Anon meeting we were asked to fill in the blank in this statement: "If only ____would happen, I would be happy". Obviously, happiness cannot be conditional, but 9/10ths of what we do is based on bargaining and deal-making. If_____, then _____. I need ____, then ______. All I need is ______, then _______. Even when you think you are just asking for one thing, albeit a large thing, it's still something.

I left this blog today, and now I am coming back to it, but I am not feeling inspired to write. I am going to give myself a break this time, and go to bed early, to read a book I have really wanted to read more of, I've just been too busy, or too tired. I will allow myself this, without guilt or shame. I have been working hard, trying to understand myself better, so a little fun with not be a cop out. I know this sounds like I am giving an explanation, or an excuse, but it is not. I am actually trying to just tell myself that it is OK to not go full tilt boogie, all the time, that a break, or some fun is also OK. OK, so now I am going to go have that fun I have been talking about for the entire paragraph!!

Thanks for listening!

Keep coming back*smile*

Looking forward to: another quiet evening at home tomorrow night.

Challenge: to be inside at work tomorrow, on another beautiful day!