Mood: suffering. I feel more confused than I ever have, at what will happen to my son, and what, if anything I should do about it.
Music: Nothing. My Ipod battery was too low:)
Garden: Planted. I finally got my veggie garden in, about a week 1/2 ago, and am tending it every morning now. Weed in the AM, water in the PM. I love my garden!
Step 3-
"Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood him."
I have been away from this blog for a couple of weeks, but not from the steps. I have been reading the CTC reader every morning, and trying to reflect on what comes up in it. I have also been making it to meetings, but not as many as in previous weeks. This is partly because of a new friendship I have made, with a man I really like, who has been in recovery for 20 years. We have spent a lot of time talking about many things, including the program, and it has been very helpful. But I know that is not a replacement for going to meetings.
This week, since Wednesday, and before, has been very hard because my son had a trail this week. The trial was to review his case, in light of the fact that his case worker had dropped him fro his alternative sentencing program, because of non-compliance. Mainly because of not taking the medication she wanted him to take. The main contention though, was that she did not supply him with counseling to come to terms with his diagnosis and the need for medication. I thought his lawyer did a very good job of representing his interests and defending him, in light of the less than ideal service he was receiving in the program.
It was very hard to see my son too. He called me up the day before and asked if I was going to the trail, and if so, could he get a ride with me. I said yes. He also asked if he could borrow $40.00 to pay the outstanding bail fee he had with the court. I really wrestled with that, because I did not want to see him spend time in jail just because he didn't have $40.00. When we were in court I actually did see a guy brought to jail for two days for the lack of $25. I think that is criminal. Barbaric.
I called a Al-Anon friend to discuss it though, because I was feeling on the edge about whether I was enabling him or not by giving him money I probably would never see. My relationship with my son is very strained these days because it is hard to find almost anything positive to hang my hat on. He told me when I saw him that he did not want a connection with me right now. He was still taking space. I was angry, and told him so, that he could ask for rides and money, but that otherwise he wanted me to stay out of his life. I told him I felt like I was being used.
It is so hard to know what is really going on with him, when I never see him, and when I do he basically keeps quiet or says he doesn't want a relationship. He seems to want to tackle the world alone, even with a mental illness. He seems so vulnerable and confused. I don't know if I should do anything for him, or with him, about that. But he wouldn't let me anyway. It is so confusing to know how to parent someone his age, going through what he is going through, and with the personality and mind-set that he has, even before he became ill. Oy!
Saturday, July 3, 2010
Sunday, June 20, 2010
Step 3 - Day 63
Mood: Confused. I saw my son a community gathering last night. He seemed good. I hugged him and tried to talk with him, but he was distant. It still hurts so much.
Music: "Another day," by Jim Gilmour. A song about acceptance, of life as it is, not what we "think" it should be.
Garden: Double dug the final bed of the veggie garden this morning. raked all the beds to break up clods, and make the soil fine enough to plant in. Starts go in tomorrow.
Step 3-
" Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him."
I feel raw this morning, after seeing my son last night. I am being reminded that no matter what happens in my life, it is my decision as to how I want to experience it. I am experiencing it as pain and suffering. Pain at the concern I feel for my son, his choices of who he is associating with, and whether I should be doing anything for him. Suffering at wanting it to be other than how it is. Wanting him to be well. Wanting us to not be where we are. Wanting not to be feeling what I am feeling right now. I feel angry, I feel disappointed. I feel scared. I feel worried and I feel confused. What should I do? I should I handle all this?
Music: "Another day," by Jim Gilmour. A song about acceptance, of life as it is, not what we "think" it should be.
Garden: Double dug the final bed of the veggie garden this morning. raked all the beds to break up clods, and make the soil fine enough to plant in. Starts go in tomorrow.
Step 3-
" Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him."
I feel raw this morning, after seeing my son last night. I am being reminded that no matter what happens in my life, it is my decision as to how I want to experience it. I am experiencing it as pain and suffering. Pain at the concern I feel for my son, his choices of who he is associating with, and whether I should be doing anything for him. Suffering at wanting it to be other than how it is. Wanting him to be well. Wanting us to not be where we are. Wanting not to be feeling what I am feeling right now. I feel angry, I feel disappointed. I feel scared. I feel worried and I feel confused. What should I do? I should I handle all this?
Friday, June 18, 2010
Step 3 - Day 61
Mood: Floating. I have been feeling very much in my love body, my self that is OK with things, as they are. It feels like being in-love. I feel so much tenderness toward everyone.
Music: Putamayo compilation, "India," a mix of contemporary East Indian artists.
Garden: I weeded and pulled up grass around flower beds and such, since I don't have a weed whacker yet. hands work just find though, and can be more precise.
Step 3-
" Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood him"
I have been thinking about God, creator, and what the nature of my relationship to Him is. Before you can turn your will and your life over to Him, you have to have an understanding of who or what the Him is, as well. I currently see this as a dance of that which is Him, in the world, with other aspects or reflections of Him. I am a shard of the whole, and I am the shadow and reflection of the same whole as well. My mind, heart and body are an aspect of the creators, like a cell in a larger body, and I work with or interact with other cells, to do various functions together. Not all cells have the same function though. Brain cells and liver cells, do not do the same job.
How does this work then, when I look at the Third Step? If I am already an aspect of the creators will, then how can "I" turn myself over to Him? Who is doing the turning over? More accurately, it would be that which believes it to be separate, individual, the ego, that must surrender to the will of the creator, to God. The pain and suffering we experience are the direct result of this false sense of self believing it is in-charge, and running the show. When this false self does not get it's way, it can be a terror. The true self knows, at all times, what is best. what is actually happening is the true will of the creator. It is only the attachment, and reaction to this, by the ego, that causes all the pain and suffering in the world.
I, the "me" that I think I am, can either realize that that it is unreal, and therefore not in-charge, or it can assert itself and fail. Either way, reality will continue to unfold, with or without the ego's help. Myself as an aspect of God's will, can rest in the joy, and float in the love, that permeates all events, and all happenings, knowing that everything is OK, just the way it is. This is the only true reality. This is the only real perspective. The workings of the universe are vast and unknowable. All "we" can do is just watch, and respond to, what is right here, right now. Our little piece of heaven. Let everything else take care of itself.
Can the ego decide to turn itself over to the will of God? Is it every really in-charge of this at all? if everything happening is the will of God, then isn't the turning over, or surrendering to God's will as well? All "we" can do again, in this instance, is just to observe, to see what is really there. When we look, when we really look, there is no ego, no personal will, and there never was. It was just an illusion. It has no life of itself. It is the mistaken identity, of something that cannot be. And this mistaken identity has it's own life-span. It will "die", in it's own time and in it's own way. So relax! There is a plan for everything.
Thanks for listening!
Keep coming back:
Music: Putamayo compilation, "India," a mix of contemporary East Indian artists.
Garden: I weeded and pulled up grass around flower beds and such, since I don't have a weed whacker yet. hands work just find though, and can be more precise.
Step 3-
" Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood him"
I have been thinking about God, creator, and what the nature of my relationship to Him is. Before you can turn your will and your life over to Him, you have to have an understanding of who or what the Him is, as well. I currently see this as a dance of that which is Him, in the world, with other aspects or reflections of Him. I am a shard of the whole, and I am the shadow and reflection of the same whole as well. My mind, heart and body are an aspect of the creators, like a cell in a larger body, and I work with or interact with other cells, to do various functions together. Not all cells have the same function though. Brain cells and liver cells, do not do the same job.
How does this work then, when I look at the Third Step? If I am already an aspect of the creators will, then how can "I" turn myself over to Him? Who is doing the turning over? More accurately, it would be that which believes it to be separate, individual, the ego, that must surrender to the will of the creator, to God. The pain and suffering we experience are the direct result of this false sense of self believing it is in-charge, and running the show. When this false self does not get it's way, it can be a terror. The true self knows, at all times, what is best. what is actually happening is the true will of the creator. It is only the attachment, and reaction to this, by the ego, that causes all the pain and suffering in the world.
I, the "me" that I think I am, can either realize that that it is unreal, and therefore not in-charge, or it can assert itself and fail. Either way, reality will continue to unfold, with or without the ego's help. Myself as an aspect of God's will, can rest in the joy, and float in the love, that permeates all events, and all happenings, knowing that everything is OK, just the way it is. This is the only true reality. This is the only real perspective. The workings of the universe are vast and unknowable. All "we" can do is just watch, and respond to, what is right here, right now. Our little piece of heaven. Let everything else take care of itself.
Can the ego decide to turn itself over to the will of God? Is it every really in-charge of this at all? if everything happening is the will of God, then isn't the turning over, or surrendering to God's will as well? All "we" can do again, in this instance, is just to observe, to see what is really there. When we look, when we really look, there is no ego, no personal will, and there never was. It was just an illusion. It has no life of itself. It is the mistaken identity, of something that cannot be. And this mistaken identity has it's own life-span. It will "die", in it's own time and in it's own way. So relax! There is a plan for everything.
Thanks for listening!
Keep coming back:
Monday, June 14, 2010
Step 2 - Day 60
Mood: Shaky. Had a very interesting time going to a teaching of a favorite teacher with a friend of mine. After wards he and I had a late-night picnic dinner at a Dairy Queen, even though we didn't buy anything from them. We talked of many things and he was so kind, so kind, and trying to be do helpful....It's great to let yourself be loved and taken care of sometime.
Music: "Love Henry/Cherokee Shuffle", by June Tabor. Old-timey music from the British Isles. A foot-stomping waltz. Old ballad of lasses and beaus and courting. Good stuff.
Garden: Waiting patiently for my return. I did weed out a bunch of milk weed shoots that were sprouting up. They grow so fast, like bamboo, when I lived in Mississippi.
Step 2 -
"We came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity"
I think it's time to switch to Step 3 now. I can feel it. More tomorrow.
Thanks for listening!
Keep coming back:)
Music: "Love Henry/Cherokee Shuffle", by June Tabor. Old-timey music from the British Isles. A foot-stomping waltz. Old ballad of lasses and beaus and courting. Good stuff.
Garden: Waiting patiently for my return. I did weed out a bunch of milk weed shoots that were sprouting up. They grow so fast, like bamboo, when I lived in Mississippi.
Step 2 -
"We came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity"
I think it's time to switch to Step 3 now. I can feel it. More tomorrow.
Thanks for listening!
Keep coming back:)
Sunday, June 13, 2010
Step 2 - Day 59
Mood: Pensive. I have not heard or seen from my son in more than a week, and phone calls go unanswered. I hope he is alright. I am not sure if I should be worried.
Music: "Leaving Trunk", by Taj Mahal. He sings about having blues three different ways in this song...Now that's an accomplishment! Blues squared. That's some serious blues.
Garden: Still wet and soggy.
Step 2-
"We came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity."
Thanks for listening!
Keep coming back:)
Music: "Leaving Trunk", by Taj Mahal. He sings about having blues three different ways in this song...Now that's an accomplishment! Blues squared. That's some serious blues.
Garden: Still wet and soggy.
Step 2-
"We came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity."
Thanks for listening!
Keep coming back:)
Saturday, June 12, 2010
Step 2 - Day 58
Mood: Tired. Worked at a friend's music festival last night till midnight. Up for work today at the usual time. Yawn:)
Music: "Rock And Roll Band," by Boston. Fitting, since I hung out with the bands last night at the music festival, and will again tomorrow. Most of them are from out-of-town and even some from out of the country! I work the green room, so I get to see the unglamorous side of being a touring musician. It is a really a job most of the time!
Garden: Wet. No change there.
Step 2-
"Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity."
The last few days in the CTC, they have been covering the 12 Steps sequentially, one step per-day. Since I have not covered these steps, other than to read then at meetings, I have been glossing over them, finding my attention not focusing very well. Also, it has been rather busy this week, with all sorts of Summer happenings, so I have not been as focused as I could be, usually. Today's step is Step ten. it talks of continuing to take personal inventory, so that you can make amends as soon as you can, to keep your slate clean. It made me think of Step 4, in which you do the first initial inventory, the major clean-up. I ave been trying to imagine what that would be like, and how daunting it could be, since I am such a perfectionist. I find it hard to remember some things that happened last week, let alone 20-30 years ago, but I suppose as you start the clean-up process, it becomes easier.
So let's go back to Step 2, which is where I am at, at least for now, but I am feeling I am getting ready to head into the next step, Step 3, as this 12 Steps in 12 Months process continues. My definition of this Power greater than myself is continuing to evolve. Since I am a studier of non-dual teachings, as well as 12 Step, I can see similarities, if you choose to look for them. In non-dual teachings, you are coming to recognize who you really are, as the witness, or watcher, to all that is manifest of transpiring. In the 12 Steps, you are recognizing that "you" are not in control, and that the "you" that you thought you were, is in-fact a collection of habits, traits and conditioning, which may or may not change, but that you can experience serenity in knowing this a living with surrender to "who" is really in-charge.
By knowing that the Power we talk about in 12 Step work is the clear, serene awareness that we talk about in non-duality, and that is in-fact who you really are, you can learn to rest in that state of pure being and be much less attached to who the personality does. This does not mean irresponsibility though. It means that there is divine wisdom, and a divine plan, that is manifesting, and by surrendering and trusting in that, you can "let go, and let God" and enjoy your life a whole lot more. Irritations that are caused by "others" bother you a whole lot less as well, because it is all seen as part of a plan, and one that is so fast and complex, that the mind of this one personality could never grasp it all.
Restoring us to sanity is the process of that surrender, that letting go. Restoring us to serenity is the act of trusting and allowing, being with and blessing what is happening, no matter what, as being OK, because it is part of the plan. This can be a radical thing for a personality that is addicted to being in control and having it's way. This does not mean though that the personality ever experiences what might be called pleasure. But when it does, we are not attached to that as well. Either way, pleasure or pain, as the personality sees it, is accepted as what is. The serenity comes in knowing and living by this. Sanity is restored when we no longer see ourselves as just the personality, but a loving and wise God, acting THROUGH the personality, to fulfill it's will. Nice, huh?
Thanks for listening!
Keep coming back:
Music: "Rock And Roll Band," by Boston. Fitting, since I hung out with the bands last night at the music festival, and will again tomorrow. Most of them are from out-of-town and even some from out of the country! I work the green room, so I get to see the unglamorous side of being a touring musician. It is a really a job most of the time!
Garden: Wet. No change there.
Step 2-
"Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity."
The last few days in the CTC, they have been covering the 12 Steps sequentially, one step per-day. Since I have not covered these steps, other than to read then at meetings, I have been glossing over them, finding my attention not focusing very well. Also, it has been rather busy this week, with all sorts of Summer happenings, so I have not been as focused as I could be, usually. Today's step is Step ten. it talks of continuing to take personal inventory, so that you can make amends as soon as you can, to keep your slate clean. It made me think of Step 4, in which you do the first initial inventory, the major clean-up. I ave been trying to imagine what that would be like, and how daunting it could be, since I am such a perfectionist. I find it hard to remember some things that happened last week, let alone 20-30 years ago, but I suppose as you start the clean-up process, it becomes easier.
So let's go back to Step 2, which is where I am at, at least for now, but I am feeling I am getting ready to head into the next step, Step 3, as this 12 Steps in 12 Months process continues. My definition of this Power greater than myself is continuing to evolve. Since I am a studier of non-dual teachings, as well as 12 Step, I can see similarities, if you choose to look for them. In non-dual teachings, you are coming to recognize who you really are, as the witness, or watcher, to all that is manifest of transpiring. In the 12 Steps, you are recognizing that "you" are not in control, and that the "you" that you thought you were, is in-fact a collection of habits, traits and conditioning, which may or may not change, but that you can experience serenity in knowing this a living with surrender to "who" is really in-charge.
By knowing that the Power we talk about in 12 Step work is the clear, serene awareness that we talk about in non-duality, and that is in-fact who you really are, you can learn to rest in that state of pure being and be much less attached to who the personality does. This does not mean irresponsibility though. It means that there is divine wisdom, and a divine plan, that is manifesting, and by surrendering and trusting in that, you can "let go, and let God" and enjoy your life a whole lot more. Irritations that are caused by "others" bother you a whole lot less as well, because it is all seen as part of a plan, and one that is so fast and complex, that the mind of this one personality could never grasp it all.
Restoring us to sanity is the process of that surrender, that letting go. Restoring us to serenity is the act of trusting and allowing, being with and blessing what is happening, no matter what, as being OK, because it is part of the plan. This can be a radical thing for a personality that is addicted to being in control and having it's way. This does not mean though that the personality ever experiences what might be called pleasure. But when it does, we are not attached to that as well. Either way, pleasure or pain, as the personality sees it, is accepted as what is. The serenity comes in knowing and living by this. Sanity is restored when we no longer see ourselves as just the personality, but a loving and wise God, acting THROUGH the personality, to fulfill it's will. Nice, huh?
Thanks for listening!
Keep coming back:
Thursday, June 10, 2010
Step 2 - Day 57
Mood: Rebelling. My spiritual friend gave me an assignment to do, to learn how to play Bridge, and start a bridge club. He thinks I spend too much time reading, studying and thinking about spiritual things. He says I need balance, and that I need to learn to relax and have some fun. But Bridge? I am not a big fan of card games. OK, we'll see...
Music: "Greensleeves", by Loreena McKennitt. King Henry the 8th's ballad to one of his many lovers or wives, I'm not sure which. Very romantic, if you don't know the morbid back story:)
Garden: Wet and blooming. The iris bed is a riot of purple blooms. Gorgeous!
Step 2-
"We came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity"
Music: "Greensleeves", by Loreena McKennitt. King Henry the 8th's ballad to one of his many lovers or wives, I'm not sure which. Very romantic, if you don't know the morbid back story:)
Garden: Wet and blooming. The iris bed is a riot of purple blooms. Gorgeous!
Step 2-
"We came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity"
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