Step 1 - Day 5

Mood: Damp. Just took a shower early to beat the retreat crowd. I always love sitting around in a wet head. No joke. I think I would love to live under a waterfall:)

Music: None, except for coffee makers whistling and lids of pots rattling with oatmeal boiling. We are in silent mode till all the sleepers are safely back from their voyages into dream land.

Garden: Also damp. Not my garden though. My hosts garden, riot with tulips of a staggering number of colors. They are all being kept locked-up safe behind a ten foot fence from the deer in this hilly woodland.

" We admitted that we were powerless over _____(alcohol) - that our lives had become unmanageable."

I am thinking of what it means to be powerless over alcohol. I thought about powerlessness yesterday, but today I want to think about what it means to be powerless over the thing that is scaring you the most. The thing that is seeming to tear up your world. The thing that would be on the top of your list to eliminate or annihilate, if you could, from you life. What does it mean to live with something like this every day? And know that you are powerless over it? In my case it is alcohol, to a certain extent, but more so, it is mental illness. My son's mental illness.

That has been my battle for the last three years, as least as far as I could see, though I couldn't at the time name it as such. It has been named now, but it wasn't till he started getting arrested that the rest of the family started having to name it too. It's strange being the only one, standing in a howling storm, trying to shout for help, and not being able to be heard. That's how it has felt for the past three years, as I tried to tell people in the family what I was seeing and being looked at, or told, I was probably exaggerating things. I felt even more alone, and afraid, as I watch my son descending into madness.

Even now, as I write these words, I feel like I am talking about a character in an Emily Bronte novel, the one that never got published, with the heroine relegated to living out on the moors in a dilapidated croft, left to care for the family invalid. Interesting choice of words the Victorians like to use for those with an incurable illness. Invalid. To be invalid. To be of no use. it is funny how quickly we relegate those in our lives, and in society, to the category of invalid. Are they are invalid because they are unproductive? Because they do not jibe with the flow or current form of society? Are they invalid because they do not make sense to us, or because we not make sense to them?

That was a side jaunt. The main topic is my powerlessness over my son's actions or mental conditions(s). I say conditions because a mental illness is not one steady state, it is a series of states, ever shifting and ever changing. That is something maybe some people do not understand. That your loved one is not out of sorts all the time. That is what is so frustrating too. Because when they are not, you are tempted to think everything is back to normal. Your hopes get raised. But when the psychosis returns, you are thrust into a place of fear, worry powerlessness and anger. Why him? Why us? Why this?

There is something about the mind that is so mysterious. We do not know why, or how, we have personality, emotion, thoughts. We do not know some are considered within the realm of normal, and some, even depending on the culture, are seen as dangerous, heretical or if nothing else, a nuisance. And yet, through the miracle of modern medicines we want to control them. I am not saying that I am against medications. I am very well aware of the pain and suffering that is caused when a loved one can't maintain any kind of consistent or independent life.

Manic and/or depressive states are like being cast adrift on your mental world. You are riding huge waves, bigger than you are and all you can do is be carried along. You are either taken to the top of the wave, life a surfer, or plunged to the bottom of the seen and the pressure and silence can be fatal. It can feel almost impossible to rise back up to the surface and see the sun again. This roller coaster ride of the brain's chemicals must feel like you are stuck on a amusement park ride that you can never get off. Even if you are screaming, crying and begging to be released.

But to be the loved one of someone going through this is to be the parent, standing at the bottom of the roller coaster, watching your screaming and crying child ride the coaster again and again and again. No matter how much begging and pleading with the ride attendant to please stop the ride and please let your child off, nothing you can do will stop it. That is how it is to have a Bi-Polar son or daughter. God, or higher power, or the big yellow banana in the sky has flipped the switch on the roller coaster of life and walked away from the rise to have in indefinite lunch break. The randomness can seem cruel and indifferent. Why my child, on this coaster, at this time and with this attendant?

So where does the powerlessness fit in? Well, in-general, the illness itself. Specifically, in my case, now that my son is over eighteen, I have no say in his treatment, whether he shares any of his medical information with me and I cannot talk to anyone he may work with. It also means that barring him being of danger to himself or others, I cannot interfere with his "right" to wander the community freely, delusional and homeless. There is nothing more frightening to a parent than to see your young adult child exposed to the elements, homeless, jobless, isolated and alone in their mental sates and possibly at the mercy of uncaring or worse, unscrupulous people.

To come to terms with the fact that I am powerless over my sons mental illness has been one of the hardest journeys I have ever made, so far. My instinct to protect, to advocate and to challenge is strong. Not to be able to do what I feel I do best, feels like being the best player on the team, benched for the season. I am still trying to mediate on why my higher power, or THE higher power, has put me in this position in the game. I know it is not as hard as what I am going through, but it feels hard enough right now. It is also being posed, in the Al-Anon program, that we are all powerless over our own lives. That it is Higher Powers choice, and theirs alone. Also radical.

How many ways my life has been unmanageable because of my son's illness, as well as the other activities he has been involved with because of it, cannot be counted. But the most predominate effect has been my emotional life. Maybe that is true for everyone. If it were just logistics, that would be relatively easy. It is to deal with the emotional turbulence, the fear, the worry and the anguish that just takes the stuffing out of you. Or takes the stuffing out of me. To imagine my life, with my son still being unpredictable in his actions and activities, and me calm and composed seems like a miracle. I am ready for a miracle though.

Now back to the retreat. Was this a retreat from the retreat, or am I retreating to the retreat? (smile)

Thanks for listening!

Keep coming back:)

Things to look forward to today: Writing, reading, listening and more writing.

Challenges to face today: To not think and worry too much about my son today.

Step 1 - Day 4

Mood: Frazzled from packing and getting ready at the last minute. A bit anxious too. Going to a writers retreat this weekend and will be meeting 10 new people. My social anxiety just went up a notch or two. Have to spend the WHOLE weekend with them too! Here we go......

Music: Loreena McKennitt, "The Visit". Relaxing. Makes me think about my garden and how much I love watching it grow, day by day. Also writing a really good period romance novel:)

Garden: Frosted. A cold snap last night turned the forecasted rain into a white icing on the garden. It melted off by later morning, but was still such a strange site in April.

Step 1:

" We admitted we were powerless over____(alcohol)- that our lives has become unmanageable"

It just struck me that this step is written in the plural, not singular tense. "We" , not "I". I think that is intentional, because the AA and Al-Anon programs were designed to be a shared experience. They were designed to bring the alcoholic, and the family members and relatives of alcoholics, out of the shadows. The model was to create a community of healing. Through this shared community endeavor, the stigma, the shame and the isolation would be ameliorated. Or so it is hoped. I believe this to be one of the most powerful techniques of the path and program.

It is not just admitting to yourself that your life has become unmanageable, it's that you admit it to your fellow AA/Al-Non members. Through this exposure and the acceptance and support you receive, you are released from the burden of carrying your load alone. I believe this is because one of the signatures of the disease is that you are alone in the world, that it is you against the world. That mindset causes you to feel isolated and fearful and to drink. That mindset that you are failing your life, failing at being able to control and handle it, also causes you to drink. But the truth is you never could. Because you are not, in reality, in control.

I want to explore the idea of powerlessness now. What does that mean to me right now? What is power? Power is the ability to make things happen. Power is will. Power effects change. Being powerless means having no power. But what does that mean for me? How can I have no power? As an example, when I get up I choose to eat breakfast or not. I choose what I am going to eat even if my appetite may not be mine to control. Appetite just seems to happen. I may choose not to eat, but eventually my hunger will be much greater, and if I don't eat other effects and outcomes might take place.

What about other choices? Do I choose who I love? Do I choose who I am and all my interests, skills and talents? Some people think that behavior is all chemical and genetic. Some think it is social and cultural. That all behaviors are learned. So why was I born into the family I was born into? Why was my family the race, class, social and educational as well as genetic event that it was? Why were my parents who they were and why did they make the choices they did? These questions could go on and on and on. You could drive yourself crazy with this, or spend your lifetime trying to understand yourself in this way. But how would it help you right now? To deal with life today?

It seems to me that there have been an amazing number of influences, events, genetic contributions as well as choices made, by an infinite number of people. Inside and outside my family, for generations, these choices have been made to bring me to this point, right here, right now. All of those events, choices, influences and genetic coding were definitely beyond my control, and yet they have influenced and impacted me tremendously. Can I say I am really "free" to choose anything in my life? It seems my life is a series of events that have been programmed generations ago to take place at this time. Interesting. So am I really "in control" of anything I do. If not, "who" is?

If I am not in control of my life, am I just wired to play out certain events and respond to the myriad events that are happening all around me? Are others also playing out their "wired" existences? When did it all start? How can I get to the bottom of this? How can I know what is mine, what is yours and what I am supposed to do with all this information? How am I supposed to make sense of my life? My head spins with the questions. I feel overwhelmed. I feel in over my head. It feels too big for just me. It feels as though I could not possibly know the answers to all those questions. Ever. Though I have asked them before and tried to answer them too.

We are part of a complex maze. A web of life. An intricate weaving made of the warp and woof of countless lives and countless generations. So who or what is the weaver? Many have asked and many will continue to ask this question. I guess that's why people resort to naming the totality of the phenomena of life God, the creator, Yahweh, Allah, etc.

The one thing I like about Al-Anon, so far, is that they leave a wide-open berth, in-terms of the naming, understanding and identifying this creative force/source for oneself. It is not a religion. The program is just asking you to recognize that you are part of something larger, and that web of interconnection is what is responsible for all that you see. To recognize that there is something bigger, and much more powerful, than you or I. More powerful than any one person.

Enough for now.

Thanks for listening:)

Things to look forward to: The retreat, in all it's social anxiety glory.

Challenges to face today: The same.

Keep coming back!

Step 1 - Day 3

Mood: Adjusting. First day back at work. My Monday so-to-speak. Tired. Up too late last night- missing my son and fretting about him. Just thinking too much in-general:)

Music: Taj Mahal, "Take A Giant Step" Perfect! Inspiration to rethink the tendency toward self-criticism and isolation....Unworthiness to being loved. Flaws and all. And there are many.

Garden: Shoots, bulbs and buds starting to burst forth everywhere in the yard. Green, green and more green! So vibrant. Feels like a rebirth on many levels. Also perfect.

Step 1:

" We admitted we were powerless over ____(alcohol)- that our lives had become unmanageable"

It's not just that our lives have become unmanageable. It's that we have to see it AND admit it.

It depends what your definition of unmanageable is too. For me it has been the non-stop worry about my son. The non-stop fear. The non-stop sense of responsibility, and failure to meet that responsibility, that I punish myself with.

But what is my responsibility to my son at this point? That is the question of the hour, day, week. He is a young adult right now. I have to recognize this also now. Even with a mental illness, he still has the desire to move forward, feel his own strength, his own life and the choices that go along with it. As painful as that is, he has told me, I have to find a way to let him go.

My fear is that he will be taken advantage of, harmed, not be able to protect or advocate for himself. That my beautiful son, my only child, will not be treated with love and kindness. That is every parents fear. That is also every parents impossible task. To accept that that is impossible for you control, ultimately. No matter how good a parent you are or were.

But he is homeless, essentially. He has no job. No car. No money. His case worker helped him get an EBT card. So I know he can get food. But other than that, no matter what his mindset, delusions or not, he will have to decide. And that is heart-wrenching. Searingly painful. We want to prepare our children for life, for all possible events and outcomes, or at least to the best of our ability. But how do you prepare someone for mental illness? Homelessness?

His using alcohol and drugs started in senior year of high school, which is not unusual. Before that he considered himself an athlete and, "straight edge". This term that came about in the early 80's when I was around his age. It was a sub-set of the punk rock scene. Straight edge meant you were clean and sober. That you did not want to alter or distort your perceptions. But it was more than that too. It was a challenge to stay present, to not tune out. Drop out. Deal with life.

I don't know why it changed for him, but senior year was very rough. He was constantly struggling with deadlines. Senior graduation projects, applying to colleges and senior social events. It was only later that we found out he might also be suffering from EFD, executive Function Disorder. This is where you struggle to bring your ideas to completion, struggle to manage time, plan and otherwise organize yourself. More than the average person.

But I have also heard that stress, sleeplessness and self-medicating can also contribute to the conditions that can cause your first mania or psychotic break. He got through graduation and then went off to college orientation in August. From there things went downhill pretty rapidly. We don't know exactly what happened, because he didn't tell us, but I wonder if he experienced his first cycle of depression and mania then. He stopped going to classes. Slept a lot or partied. He flunked out and came home after one semester.

As I write this now I have to remind myself that that is not my fault, my responsibility. But I felt it acutely. I wanted to rescue him. I am trying to look at that now though. Trying to understand why I feel so scared for him all the time. His time, once he returned to live with me, was a very scary ride. I had every reason to be worried, but I didn't know then, what I was needing to be worried about. Well, let's change that. Not worry be about. Be aware of. Be able to be present and supportive for. I'm working on this now. Wish me luck!

Thanks for listening!

Things to look forward to today: The NAMI class tonight. Getting support from my fellow groups members about my son's mental illness.

Challenges to face today: Continuing to accept that my son has a mental illness, and that there is nothing I can do about it.

Keep coming back * :) *

Step 1 - Day 2

Mood: relaxed, since it's my day off, but procrastinating. Had to have breakfast, wash the dishes, do the laundry, do some correspondence, check my emails, respond to my emails, let the cats out.....You get the idea, all BEFORE I could sit down to write, and that is on my day off! Hmm...

Music: Aaron Copeland's "Appalachian Spring" and Putumayo's "Best of Contemporary Singer-Songwriters (1994)"

Garden: Daffodils blooming, Chinese Maple budding, Pear tree budding, planting watercress in the stream by my house, from a writer friend. Thanks friend. You know who you are:)

BTW, I'm adding these categories at the beginning of the blog; mood, music, garden-to help set the ambiance of my writing milieu:)

OK, so the point of the blog.....

Step 1:

" We admitted we were powerless over ___(alcohol)-that our lives had become unmanageable."

I think it's ironic that the first song on the Putumayo CD that is playing as I write this is Dougie MacLean's "Ready For The Storm", since that song reminds me of the reason why I came to the Al-Anon and 12 Steps program in the first place. I came because I did NOT feel ready for the storm, did not feel ready for any storm for that matter. I was living in a perpetual storm and being tossed about like a leaf in a hurricane.

I came because I had been recommended to check it out, first by my son's stepmother, then by two successive counselors my son had been seeing, one in jail, one out. All in the span of a couple of months. They had suggested it because the crisis my son was in was tearing me apart. I felt if I did not show up every day to battle the system, fight for his care and his rights, fight to protect him, I would be a failure as a parent. He would be doomed. Eaten alive. Lost. Destroyed. And it would all be my fault.

My son had been arrested for acting out in public, being aggressive and intrusive, and in the process was being identified as possibly having a mental illness. He had been in one of the local jails and being assessed by a very kind and compassionate counselor there, then after agreeing to participate in Mental Health Court, by his caseworker/counselor as well. Both had said they thought he had a mental illness, possibly Bi-Polar, and that he could benefit from medication.

The family paid for a psych evaluation and it was determined he was Bi-Polar. This was not news to me, since he had lived with me for the two years after dropping out of college, in which I saw every kind of behavior and mood imaginable. I also saw the drinking and drugging, but neither of us understood that mental illness was the cause. The drink and drugs were to deal with the symptoms, but were not the cause of his suffering. But they were still impacting both of us, and the family, just the same.

Through all this I did not feel I could handle the storm. I tried, but I couldn't. My emotions were all over the place. I tried every imaginable trick to help him get control. I set limits, made threats, threw him out of the house. Called his father, called the police. I felt depressed all the time. I would come home from work exhausted. I would hide in the house, eating to comfort myself. Watching movies, reading books. Not talking to anyone. Not reaching out myself for help. I felt if only I were a better parent, a better person, this would not be happening.

I had asked him to move out for the better part of a year, but shy of calling the police to have him removed, I decided the lesser of two evils was to just move away myself, and not invite him along. My son is 22 years old now. This was when he was 21, about to turn 22. When I think of it now, it was so drastic, such a big upheaval, but is was all I could do to break the addictive dance we were dancing. I felt I was going crazy and losing my mind, and my life, to his crisis, his illness, and I was.

At least when we parted ways it clearly defined the problems each of us had to face. Each of us has had to confront who we are right now, independent of the other, and find out what we were each are made of. At first I thought it was going to be all him that was going to need to do the learning. I quickly found out that it was just as much me, as him, though. Maybe even more so. And boy I have had a lot to learn! A lot to learn about myself in relationships and how I protect myself from pain and hurt, and how that has shut me down from so much else in life.

It is strange writing this now. As I write I feel as though I am leaving so much out. So much of the experiences I have had with my son, not just recently, but much father back. Good ones too. I feel the need to protect him even now, try to explain, try to justify, to paint a better picture. But one of the things right now, that I am enjoying quite a bit, is not doing that for a change. There is a relief in owning what has happened, facing it, and knowing it doesn't determine your worth as a human being. It only determines the scope of your challenge. Your field of battle.

I am not only what has happened to me. I am also how I have handled what has happened to me. But that is not determined by always getting things right. It is also measured by how much you learn, and grow, from what has happened. What you have learned, about how to handle things, and how you have grown in how to handle those things better, that matters. Life is really only, and ever, about that. But sometimes I think it is like a still life, a well painted landscape, and if everything isn't balanced and pleasing, it is a bad painting, a bad life. That is changing though.

For me the 12 Steps are offering me a chance to look at that, really look at that. To create a new measure of honesty, acceptance and sanity. I have often felt as though my thoughts, my feelings, my very voice we not OK, were not allowed, or would not be listened to. I felt voiceless. I felt my very existence was shadow-like. I want to come out of the shadows now. I want to really live. Living means feeling pain, feeling everything, but not being devastated by it. Having a new understanding of life, and living it on it's terms, not mine. Because I am not in control. I am not.

Thanks for listening!

Here is another new addition to this blog:

1) Things I Am Looking Forward To Today

2) Challenges To Face Today

Looking forward to: To seeing my counselor today. I am going to ask her to review the psych eval on my son and try to reality test it against my reactions and emotions that I had the first time I read it last week. A new chance to deal with reality and find acceptance.

Challenges: The meeting tonight for the non-profit I am a member of. Some of the members are either alcoholics, or co-dependent with them, and not all in recovery, so I find the emotional chaos sometimes trying and frustrating. More opportunity to practice serenity......

More tomorrow:)

Keep coming back! *smile*

Step 1 - Day 1

I decided after watching "Julie and Julia" last night that I was going to start a blog about the 12 steps. Al-Anon has recently come into my life as a path and program and since I am a writer, and like to write, I wanted to use writing as a way to process the ideas and questions of the 12 steps, in relationship to my son's recent diagnosis with Bi-Polar disorder.

I plan to write my thoughts, feelings, reactions and experiences of my relating to the ideas of the 12 steps, and my son's diagnosis, on a daily basis, approaching one step per month, 12 steps in 12 months by the end. That will give me thirty days to mediate and reflect on each step, and write about it as I go.

So here goes:

Step # 1:

" We admitted we were powerless over ________ (alcohol) ---that our lives had become unmanageable"

I intentionally put a blank where the word alcohol is usually placed because, really, any addiction can be placed in that blank. Al-Anon was created to support relatives and friends of alcoholics in their own recovery from the disease. But any addiction will have the same effect on a relationship.

AA, or Alcoholics Anonymous, is the only recovery program that has a sister program for the relatives and friends of alcoholics. Many of us who are dealing with other addictions or issues in our lives find ourselves being recommended to, or gravitating toward, the Al-Anon group to get the same kind of support and help.

This is a good thing. I have concluded this, though I haven't opened my mouth a single time in the four meetings I have gone to, so far. I don't feel ready to speak yet, but hearing everyone else speak is like hearing my own thoughts, recorded in another persons voice, being spoken aloud back to me, each time I go. That, in-and-of-itself, is an eye-opener.

I've done a lot of soul-searching and spiritual journeying, been involved with other paths and teachers, and I have found more sympathy, understanding and acceptance in that one room than I have had in twenty years. And that is saying a lot. It's amazing when you are finally ready to start seeing yourself, clearly, for the first time. All kinds of wonderful changes start to happen.

I intend to write about that here. I intend to keep it real too. I am not "sold" on the program yet, but I am going to give it a try. I'll tell you what happens as I do.

Thanks for reading this!

Keep coming back:) *smile*