Step 1 - Day 12

Mood: Sugared up and buzzing. Ate some of Ben & Jerry's new ice cream flavor, "Peanut Brittle". Whoa ho, does that serve a punch! I pared it with homemade oatmeal scotchies. Oatmeal cookie bars with butterscotch chips. Lethal combo....Coma inducing:)

Music: The Jazz styling of Casa Estrella Africans.......

Garden: In darkness, since it is evening, but the house plants in the kitchen are doing great, especially the Wandering Jew. I've always wondered if that is it's real name, and if so, does it offend anyone?

Step 1:

"We admitted we were powerless over ____(alcohol)-that our lives had become unmanageable"

I saw my son yesterday! I didn't write about it because it was after I had posted yesterdays blog. He got my message, that I left with a friend, that I had his cell phone and called me back. I hadn't talked with him in 5 months, since late November! He said he was going to come by my work to pick-up his phone. He showed up 5 min before I was going home. I was walking outside when I saw him show up. He came over and as he approached I started to cry. He came up and gave me a hug. I didn't initiate it! I was so surprised. He said, "It seemed like you could use one". This was so strange since the last time I saw him he was being arrested after assaulting me. The first time I have ever called the police on my son. One of the worst days of my life...

His hug was brief, and it was hard to tell if there was any real affection in it. It was strange, it felt almost like an actor hugging, rather than the real thing. But maybe I am just projecting? We talked a bit. I told him that I loved him. He did not return the sentiment. He asked me if I was OK. I said I was very happy to see him, that I was happy he was alive and seemed to be OK. I told him that I hoped he was doing OK. He looked OK. He looked healthy and was wearing clean and appropriate clothing No bathrobes and carrying shot guns. That's another story...Maybe I'll tell it another time. His haired was trimmed and he was smiling. He said, "I guess I needed some space". I think he was referring to being out of contact with me.

I was still emotional, saying that so much had happened, so many intense things. Intense things to him and for everyone else too. He looked around like maybe he was uncomfortable, or didn't want to talk about it. I said that everyone loved him so much, that we just wanted him to be happy and healthy. I asked how he was doing. He said, "OK." He said he was just stopping by to get his phone, and wasn't planning to stay long. I said his phone was inside the building, so we walked back towards the entrance and to my office. I handed him the phone, which the truck driver had mailed in a plain manila envelope, with no return address, wrapped in paper towels. I said I hope it made it in one piece, that it was still working. He said he was sure it was OK...

We walked back outside, where a friend was waiting in his car. This was a friend that he was staying with, one I do not like and he knows it. I think this guy is very dangerous and a bad influence, but I had to be thankful that at least he has a roof over his head and food to eat tonight. It feels terrible to have such low expectations for the quality of his life, but it is not my life, so all I can do is just love him, however I can, in whatever ways he will let me. I wish I knew how I could right now. He got in the car and drove off. I have not heard or seen him since. I don't know when I will next. I am not trying to contact him. I might send him another email tomorrow saying I love him and am thinking about him again. Maybe I should try to ask him if he wants to come over for dinner? Maybe that's pushing it too soon?...It's so hard to know what to do....

So, what is the lesson today? The daily reader says, " When something isn't working the way I think it should, I can think about the slogan, "Easy Does It" Instead of doubling my effort I can slow down and reassess the situation. The answer may be staring me in the face, but sometimes I have to let go of what I am doing before I can see it" I think the message is to not force a reunion, or time when he and I will spend time together, or have a chance to talk, and maybe heal our relationship. I have a tendency to rush into things, to try to hard, to not listen to how I am feeling. I may think I want something, or out of fear try to grasp it, but I just end up forcing things. I scare away people or opportunities I want, because of my anxiety and stressful energy.

I have to trust that there is a time and a place for everything, and allow myself to be carried along, rather than try to impose my will on something, thinking it is the right time, or the right thing. I need to trust in Higher Power more. Trust by relaxing and letting things be. This is very hard for me, but I am going to try, because I love my son and I love myself, and we have had so many hard times and things happen to us. I think we deserve to have some joy and peace too. What does that mean? I will try to share my feels with him as they arise naturally, not forced or out of fear, but when joy and love arise, I will make sure to share it with him.

I will try to give him space, but try to be of comfort and support if he asks, in good ways that show that I believe in and trust in his own Higher Power and ability to live his life with grace too. He wants me to trust in him. I will just have to keep trying, keep believing in the good in all things, not easy for me also. He is a young man and wants to learn the lessons of his life. I can't protect him from all pain and suffering, but I will try to show him that I care what happens to him and that I love him. My heart is soaring as I write and read this. It feels so right, but feels like growing pains for my heart, because I have been running on fear, anxiety and worry for many, many months.

Another quote from today's reader. "Easy Does It...Think about it when you are in a hurry to do something and everything seems to go wrong..." Isn't that the truth! I have forced so many things in my life, afraid I was going to miss something. I have believed that I had to struggle for everything in my life, that I could only achieve a goal if I sweat, strained and suffered. What would it be like if I could allow Higher Power to show me what I need, so me the way to go, allow myself to be led. Surrender to it's will? I need to trust that if my relationship with my son is to thrive then we need to have space and heal, but also to come to each other naturally, when the time is right. I will try to follow this suggestion from HP...I will try.

Okay, so what next? So much has happened these last few months. I have felt brought to the edge. I am tired, but I feel Spring coming with it's hopeful energy of new beginnings and new growth. I feel new life emerging from the old. I feel hope that if I prepare the soil, build a good foundation, plant the right seeds, in the right way, tend them gently, with the right amount of water and sun, then I will have a beautiful crop, a beautiful harvest when the time is right. I need to tend my relationship with my son like I would my garden. I need to take the time. Act with patience, wisdom and understanding, so that he knows that I love him and I will not hurt him. I know I can do this. I must try.

So, as this evening closes, I send my love, out on the night air to my son. I send my prayers, my hopes and my wishes for my son to know he is loved. To feel that love and to find it within himself. I wish him health. I wish him joy. I wish him comfort and safety. I hope even though he can't hear me sending these wishes to him, that he will feel them, feel the love I am sending, feel surrounded by it. I wish that he will sleep well tonight and have sweet, sweet dreams of joyful and peaceful things. That he will see himself surrounded by those that love him, and feel the comfort and joy in knowing that he has a place in this world. That people need and want them in their lives, and that his life has meaning. Good night my beautiful and brave son.... I love you.

Thanks for listening!

Keep coming back * smile*

What to look forward to: Hearing two beloved spiritual teachers tomorrow, who inspire my life.

Challenges: To continue to hold the thought of my son in my mind, with love and goodwill.

Step 1 - Day 11

Mood: Shaky. I've been finding all sorts of emotions getting stirred up, the deeper I go with the Al-Anon work, than I thought were there. That and the still ever present confusion over still trying to get a handle on my son's mental illness. What is reasonable to expect of a young person who is grappling with MI? What are they capable of? What are good boundaries? How much should I help or stay out of it?? Questions upon questions....

Music: " Ain't Gwine to Whistle Dixie Anymo' ", by Taj Mahal. A great rambling, joyful instrumental jam by some super soulful roots musicians. And just to hear Taj whistle too..

Garden: More bulbs shooting up. I'm really enjoying finding out where they all hibernated for the Winter. This new yard is continuing to be full of surprises. Colors just keep coming!

Step 1-

" We admitted that we were powerless over ____(alcohol) - that our lives had become unmanageable"

The "Courage To Change" reader for this morning was very appropriate to my expressed feelings of shakiness. It said, " When I came to Al-Anon I didn't feel....nothing moved me at all. It was like I was dead. My Al-Anon friends assured me that I did have feelings, but I had lost touch with them from years of living with alcoholism and denying every hint of anger, joy or sorrow." This rang so true. I know that many of my emails have expressed a lot of emotion, and it is not as though I am dead anymore, it is just that it takes me a REALLY long time to get to those feelings.

I have often felt, in the past, as though I were stronger than other people emotionally. I prided myself on my calm amidst other peoples fear and confusion. I spent years being in such denial emotionally, that only in times of extreme crisis did I manage to let down my own guard, and let some of my fear and pain break though. I was always the one others came to for comfort, but I was never able to ask for any. I was walled up, afraid for anyone to know how I felt, for fear that the dam would burst and drown me and everyone around me. It was such a lonely way to live.

I have also now come to realize that, just like the alcoholic whose emotional life is stunted by the use of alcohol to deal with trauma and stress, the co-dependant also loses emotionally. In trying to rescue, fix, keep together and otherwise control life around the alcoholic, they have to stifle and deny their own feelings. They have to stay strong when others are always in chaos. Theirs is the path of the super competent person. Always trying to do too much and do it too well. There is a constant fear of failure, because the weight of keeping it all together is on their shoulders alone. Keeping a good face and keeping it all together, are the constant mantra.

I would often look at others and think they were so weak. But then I often noticed that I didn't feel the good things too. When something good happened I was just glad it wasn't a crisis. I couldn't enjoy it though. It was like I was wired for chaos and stress only. I didn't know how to have fun. I didn't know how to enjoy myself. My life was passing me by and I couldn't remember the last time I just felt relaxed, joyful and at ease. Along with this was the fear that I would be found out. That others, who were obviously so much more together than I, would find out what a mess my life was and would not want to have anything to do with me.

Life can be very tough when you reject yourself first, and more harshly, than anyone else every would. When I think of how lonely I was, how afraid and overwhelmed I was, I want to cry now. I want to grieve for that little girl, that young mother, for me now. I want to let the tears flow and say, "It's OK now. You are OK.Things are not easy, but you will get though them and you are not alone now." I want to say these things to my son now, if he would let me, but I don't know if I will get the chance.

One of the hardest things about being a parent is realizing that you have no control over how your child will feel about you, about how you raised them, how their young lives went. Whether they will be mad for years at your mistakes and failings, or whether they will find the generosity to forgive you, is not in your control. Out of guilt you might try to make it up to them, right the wrongs, but you can't change the past. You can't go back and undo what was already done. The past really is the past. And your parents have had the same road to travel.....

I am powerless to change the past. I am powerless to take back what was done. I am powerless over how my son feels, about his past, about me and about himself. I am powerless to know the future. I am powerless about what my son will feel, think or do in the future as well. I cannot live in the past, in grief and guilt. I cannot live in the future in fear or dependence on what may or not come. I can only live in the moment, in the now. I can only live NOW, right now, in all that openness and uncertainty. I can also choose to enjoy the now, rather than succumb to disappointment and confusion though. If I can't know what will come, why waste my time fearing it? There is just as much a chance that it will be something good. So let it go.....

My life feels most unmanageable when, no matter what is happening, I am either caught up in rehashing the past, or dwelling on the potential future. When I do this I am missing what is happening right under my nose. I am missing all the texture, emotion, joy as well as learning and challenge that is occurring right NOW. I was always the kind of student that would try to skim ahead, read the next page before everyone else. It was like I was trying to anticipate the potential threat. I wanted to know what was around the corner so I could be prepared for it.

You cannot truly know what will come. You might be able to guess, but it would still be just a guess. Letting life unfold could mean that it ends up being so much more than you ever though it could be. There is just as much potential for it to go that way than any other. If pain and suffering do come, you will still have to deal with it. If they don't, you won't. Why add to the possible future stress by stressing about it in-advance? What a double-dipped pain in the ass that would be! That's what is has been for me and I'm tired of it!! I wanna have some fun, for a change:)

So, for today, I will try to just be present, in this moment, and nothing else. I will try to be open to all this this moment offers. I will try to live it fully, feel it fully and then let it go. I will try to trust that, no matter what it is, I can handle it. I will try to remain hopeful that, besides the pains and challenges of life, there can be pleasure and fun too. I will try to appreciate the pleasure that does arrive, and savor it fully, as though it might be my last. I do not know when my last day will be. I do not know if I will get this chance again to feel, so I will try to be grateful that it is here, and that I have this chance, right now, to live it.

Thanks for listening!

Keep coming back * whoot*

What to look forward to: A nice night at home, for a change, to relax and watch a movie and make some oatmeal cookies:)

Challenges: Continuing to learn about metal illness and take it one-day-at-a-time!

Step 1 - Day 10

Mood: Pleased. I just received an email response, to an email I sent my son a week ago. I wanted him to know I loved him, and that I was thinking about him. He responded, " I know, thank you". (with a smiley face after it) That just made my day. He's alive and he knows I love him. Thank you Higher Power! I am grateful.

Music: "Statesboro Blues" The Allman Brothers. A really good blues song about dysfunctional families, probably including alcohol in the mix there, along with everything else.

Garden: The veggie garden is starting to poke some shoots up, most likely burdock, from under the mulch I laid last Fall. Time to start testing, amending and planning what to plant this year.

Step 1:

"We admitted we were powerless against ____(alcohol) - that our lives had become unmanageable"

I feel I need to say a little bit more about the Al-Anon group I went to last night, which was a speaker's meeting. That means the moderator asks one of the group members, in advance, to tell their story for the first half of the meeting. The woman who spoke, whom I mentioned in my last post, told a harrowing story of addiction, abuse, mental illness, dysfunction, legal and financial troubles, all with her first two partners as well as her son. All while trying to hold down her own job and parent her daughter. At one point she was living in a tent because her partner had falsely accused her of threatening his life. Until they could go to court to sort it out, she had to move out of their house. She had no where to go but the river. Amazing!

I wanted to mention her again, because her troubles are still not over, her relationship with her son is still not good. From the first night I came to the meeting though, she was very welcoming and warm. She smiles, she laughs and she seems to have genuine compassion for others. I guess with the experiences she has had, you either sink or swim. She not only swam. She back stroked! She told her story with so much calm, compassion for her loved ones and forgiveness. Exceptional. Her serenity was amazing. Her goodwill was demonstrable. She was sweet and kind too. She was tested in the fire and game out gleaming gold. Very impressive.

What do I have to learn from this? She does not try to constantly fix her son, even now, with him at 30 years old and still living in the area. He is still using. He is still a drunk. He still struggles to live and get by. And he still blames her for everything. To come to a place where you have to accept that that may be the way it is, wipe your tears and move on with your life, seems daunting right now. I still do not know what is reasonable to expect of my son, in-terms our relationship. Mental illness can be so tricky. I don't know, at this point, when or if I should try to help and how. I am being relieved of this dilemma at the moment, because my son is choosing to not be in contact. I feel as though I need to figure this out soon though, in-case.

It is so painful to let go of my son, who is now an adult, who is mentally ill. I want to nurture and protect. I feel guilt that I can be with friends, have a nice meal and come home to a warm house and bed. I don't know if he has a roof over his head right now. I received the email today, but that could have been sent from a library computer. I know he has food, thanks to his caseworker, but other than that, I don't. I know I must keep going around and around with this same fear, pain and worry. I guess it is a mother thing. We want our "babies" to be safe, warm and fed. Beyond that it is negotiable. The stress of not know that is a constant pain.

My reading today from the "Courage To Change" book, an Al-Anon daily reader, is about steps 1-3. It says, "In these early steps, we admit the areas over which we are powerless-such as alcoholism and other people-and learn that a Power greater than our selves has no such limitations. We decide to place our will and our life in the hands of this Higher Power. We let go of burdens that were never ours to carry. And we begin to treat ourselves more kindly and more realistically." I am attracted to may things in this passage. Many ideas that I am trying to wrap my mind around. I do not want to go too rapidly through this first, or the next two steps, either. They seem crucial to everything that follows.

First is the idea of powerlessness. I remembered when I was growing up, seeing my mother work so hard, every day, to take care of my brother and I, the house, and because she was a "liberated" woman, go to her full-time job too. My father believed in her need and desire to have a career, after seeing his stay-at-home mom depressed most of his childhood. But he didn't seem to also believe in staying employed himself or helping my mother much around the house. When I was older, my mother confided in me, that she often felt as though she had a third child with my father, rather than a partner. She would often work so hard that she would end up sick from exhaustion. I never wanted to be like that.

So how could you find yourself in a situation like that, or like the previous speakers, and not loose your serenity? Should you stay in marriage like that? Should you ignore the other person but stay with them? What is reasonable to expect from someone who is an addict or mentally ill? How can you be in a relationship with someone like that when they are not "showing up" to the relationship in the first place? If you are powerless over the addiction and other people, then what should you, if anything, do for them or yourself, in that situation? How can a Higher Power help you in such circumstances? If it has no limitations, then what can it do to help? Does it just give you peace of mind? Does it "show" you ways to handle things that seem unmanageable? How do you place your will and your life in the hands of this Higher Power? What are the benefits to doing so?

I have been feeling a little odd about the term Higher Power today. I hear it bantered around so casually in Al-Anon, and the words, "Higher", and "Power", seem so tame for such an apparently profound idea. Where do people get their confidence and their surety that there is a Higher Power, and it really can do all that it is billed as doing? I am not an atheist. In-fact, I have studied Esotericism and Buddhism, but I came to a dead end when I realized that I was practicing it from a purely mental place. I had never really felt, believed in,or knew without any doubt any divine power or force. I did not really believe in a soul and my mind seemed to be untameable. I was tired of the concepts, the special languages and the lingo involved in all these practices and paths. I was lost.

Now, in my pain and suffering, in my feeling let down by life, I am seeking an answer to how I can be relieved of my burdens. What attracts me to the idea of Higher Power, is that all this control I thought I had may actually be not mine. But how? I have a sense now, that the world is one large, alive being that I am a part of. I do not know what this being's mind, heart and purpose is, but I do know that it all is a lot bigger than I am. I question whether I can ever know more than that and what I should do with that knowledge. How do you live your life when "you" are not in-charge? What is the purpose of this one little life in the face of the vastness or the ONE LIFE? Can surrendering one's will cause there to be a greater peace? Did I ever have a separate will to begin with? Questions and more questions. How to answer them?

The idea of kindness towards myself and others, and a realistic sense of life, seems the most attractive part of the whole quote. My life has been a series of furious and desperate attempts to make my life, "right". Do what was right, good and correct, but always with a sense of failure behind it all. I felt the weight of that whole dilemma on my shoulders, and mine alone. If I could not contact my Higher Power, my soul, and know it's inscrutable design for my life, then I was screwed. I felt constant tension, constant worry, constant fear. How can you just "Let go, and let God" as they say in one of the Al-Anon slogans? How does this all work? I intend to keep asking these questions....

More later.

Thanks for listening:)

keep coming back!

Looking forward to: My NAMI class tonight.

Challenges: Trying to understand more about Higher Power.

Step 1 - Day 9

Mood: Tired. Slept almost 10 hours. Trying to catch-up on lost sleep. It's my day off, so I have some extra time. Feeling very sad today. Worry can be so draining. Anxiety is poison.

Music: "Oleo", by Sonny Rollins. Smooth, clean Jazz. The kind that can keep you going, when nothing else can. Thanks Sonny:)

Garden: Warming up. I spent about an hour just laying on the hill beside the house, with the cats circling around me, just feeling the warm grass under my back and watching the clouds drift by above me. The trees are starting to leaf out. Green is starting to return all around. Peaceful.

Step 1:

"We admitted that we were powerless over ____(alcohol) - that our lives had become unmanageable"

Grief seems to come in waves, in stages. I feel it like a weight, a force. It seems to have a gravity. it adds heaviness to everything. It creates a fuzzy perception, and almost thin film that seems to block certain kinds of light, sound and such. It muffles the world, muffles emotion. Dampens everything with it soggy weight. It's insistence on being endured, felt. Why must it though? What does it give back, in return. It just seems to take. it seems so selfish, so limited. It feels like a tight place where all you can see, feel and taste is that which you can't have.

I got a call from my mother, that a truck driver had called her, using my son's cell phone. My son had hitched a ride and left his phone in the driver's cab. Now the driver was trying to find him, via his phone's address book. When he reached my mother, she called me, since the driver did not want to give his name and number to her. The times are strange, we reach out to help, by picking up a stranger, never ask his name, or tell him ours. Then when we try to help him get his lost item back, another nice gesture, we protect ourselves by being anonymous. "Strange times indeed", as Lennon would say.

This event brought up a number of feelings for me. First, worry about that fact that he was hitching around. Worry at who was giving him rides and how dangerous that might be. And sadness that his life seems to consist of transience, moving about, disconnection. I wonder what he is doing with himself all day, these days. I know where he is staying, generally, at a friends. How often he actually stays there, and what that is like for him, I don't know. I do know the family is very permissive, and let's there son have friends over there drinking and drugging. I know in the past he has even dealt drugs out of there home, with their compliance. Other than that, I don't know anything anymore about what he is doing, or where, or with whom he is staying. Argghh.............Will this pain ever end??

Back again. Just returned from an Al-Anon meeting and heard a very inspirational story of a woman member. It was different than mine, but harrowing. "But for the grace of God"- came to mind. It's one of the AA slogans. I'm just starting to learn about them and read about a few today. Her story brought that home. I wouldn't say her situation was worse, just different, yet I related to her trying to keep her head up, trying to live life in a positive way, despite all the fear and negative relationships. From looking at her I would have NEVER guessed that that was her experience. It really did hit that home too. How little you can know from just looking at someone. A huge lesson in humility about not making assumptions about anyone. Always a good message to hear.

OK. A short session, since I'm tired and heading to bed. I am going to read some from a new book I picked-up at the meeting. "The Courage To Change". It's a daily reader, one message for each day, mostly of stories by Al-Anon members of their experience. Today's message was about unity in diversity, that the strength of the groups is in their representation of the universality of the experience of alcohol, addiction, co-dependence and how we can heal from the effects of all of that. Our group is very diverse. There are teens all the way to 80 year olds. Every walk of life. I love that phrase-walk of life. That life is a journey but we each walk our own path, one step at a time. The strength that comes from so much collective wisdom is awesome.

After the meeting I went and had some iced tea with a friend, a fellow Al-Anon member, who also has a mentally ill young adult child. It was very good to have her fellowship about Al-Anon, mental illness, as well as parenting a young adult with mental illness. Such a gift from higher power to bring this woman back into my life at just the right time. You children went to high school together, and are now both diagnosed with BP. She is also my teacher in the NAMI Family-To-Family group. I feel right now she is the only one who really understands what I am going through. Amazing to have her friendship. Thank you good friend! OK, time to really head to bed!!

Thanks for listening.

Keep coming back:)

What to look forward to: NAMI class.

Challenge: Getting the truck back from the shop at work tomorrow and getting back on track with the business. Wish me luck!

Step 1 - Day 8

Mood: Relieved. The day fell into place. No catastrophes. First day w/o boss went smoothly.

Music: "Trouble is..." Kenny Wayne Shepard. Guitar god.

Garden: Cherry blossom in full riot, though it is still only April. Scary....

Step 1:

"We admitted we were powerless against ____(alcohol) - that our lives had become unmanageable"

Full day. Writing group in the evening. Too tired to write at this point. Will pick-up tomorrow:)

Thanks for listening.

Keep coming back!

Things to look forward to: Al-Anon group and my therapy appointment. Also, the recycle center and working in the garden.

Challenges for tomorrow: Trying to not worry about my son.

Step 1 - Day 7

Mood: Pensive. My boss is about to go on vacation tomorrow, leaving me in-charge. Suddenly my car needs to be in the shop and a vehicle at work breaks down. Nothing like everything imploding when you are about to leave to make you think someone think they are indispensable....

Music: "Black Betty", by Ram Jam. Slash guitars mixed with an old blues lyric. Classic:)

Garden: Crocuses are crocing, Bluebells are bluing and Daffodils are daffing. The world is good.

Step 1-

" We admitted we were powerless against_____(alcohol)- that our lives had become unmanageable".

It 's interesting how quickly you can become annoyed by a question. But maybe that's because I am about to get somewhere with it? What is annoying me is that I am having to try to answer this question when I haven't seen my son in almost five months. That in and of itself is annoying, frustrating, saddening, worry and grief-inducing, just for starters. I guess it's the nature of an attachment, that the bigger the attachment, the bigger the withdrawal when it is removed or taken away from you. I am not addicted to my son in my life, but I guess I would have to admit that I seem to be powerless against my fear and worry about him, at this point. It feels like a sickness itself.

But am I getting that right? What am I saying here? It's really that I am powerless to control him, his mind, his mental illness, his habits, his appetites. Anything that he does basically. But is it that I really want to control him ? I want to help him control himself, so he does not have to be in any pain or suffer. But is that even right? Maybe it is me that is afraid to suffer? I want to control what causes me to feel something that I don't want to feel. Can I really prevent him from experiencing pain? No. Can I prevent all or any of his suffering? No again. Arrh. Ouch! This hurts just to say this. I feel tears coming. I want to cry. It hurts so much to think of him in pain or suffering like this.

Am I over thinking this? Can you have bad experiences or challenges, or whatever you want to call it, and not be devastated by them? Can I feel my feelings but not be overwhelmed by them too? What am I getting at here? What am I trying to say? I am trying to say that I feel bad. I feel bad right now because my son has a mental illness. I feel sad at what kind of chaos it is causing in his life. I feel sad because he does not want me in his life right now. I feel sad because I feel powerless to help him. I feel sad because I am afraid for him. I feel sad because I am afraid he is scared. I feel sad because he may feel Scared and possibly alone and unloved. My stomach hurts thinking about all this.

Can I really help him? Can I really help him in the way he needs most right now? I could help him with food, clothing and shelter. But where would he be then? Would that help his mind? He would be safe and secure, but that would not guarantee that he would stay. Even if he was here tonight and I was doing everything right, being supportive, non-judgemental, kind, gentle and nurturing, he would still have to deal with his own mind. Anything could be going through his head about me or himself. He could decide to walk out the the middle of the night and I could not stop him. He could decide to lock himself in his room for a week and not eat, bathe or sleep. Then where would we be? I would still feel scared, guilty, responsible and worried.

When would I not feel worried or scared for him? When could I feel completely safe and secure about him? Even if he were in college, had a lot of friends, a nice girlfriend, he felt good about his life and where he was going with it, I could still find things to worry about. I could still find things to want for him. I could still keep seeing what could be more or better for him. Isn't it true that no matter what you have, you always want more? You see the next hill, and the next and the next? When are any of us ever REALLY satisfied? When could I say, "this is enough, this is fine, this is great"? I'm not sure I have EVER felt that way. Not ever. Wow! painful stuff!

So what would it look like if I could just accept this situation, as it is, right now? Could I admit I was powerless? Do I really know this to be true? When I say powerless, what do I mean? I mean that it is beyond my control. I mean that it is not my situation. It is the other persons. It means that I may hate what they are doing, or not doing, for themselves or in relationship to me. It may mean that I feel angry, hurt, rejected, unappreciated, misunderstood and taken for granted. It may mean I feel embarrassed, disappointed, frustrated and sad. It may mean that no matter what I do it doesn't make any difference, probably because it is not me that has to do the "doing". It may mean that no matter what I say, I am ignored.

So what do all these feelings and lack of control mean when it is someone you love, or someone you love very much who is also a relative, son, daughter or partner? It means that it can really affect you. Affect you very deeply and that you have to try to figure out a way to deal with those feelings. Even if you can't do anything about what the person you love does, or what it evokes for you, you have to find a way. I know this may sound obvious, but I am finding it not so obvious, at times. It is easier said than done. When a person you love is sick, harming themselves, and you can literally do nothing about it, it HURTS!. Try it. Well, I'm assuming if you are here, you already know what I am talking about...Don't you.

So what can you do for yourself if that is the only person you do have any control over? Well, first and foremost, you have to admit that you are powerless. You have to admit it. I am not sure I am there yet. This idea is being posed and I am not sure I can admit it yet. That is the idea though. If I admit I am powerless, then to a certain extent, I have to admit that I am giving up. But what am I giving up? I feel I am giving up hope at this point. That's how it feels. I am not being allowed to do anything for my son. He is not allowing it. But I still feel if I were smarter, cared more, knew how to influence people better, then I could still be doing SOMETHING. Anything other than writing this blog, which probably no one is reading. I am not sure I am ready yet to admit it. I will not lie, though it is what is being asked of me.

Powerlessness is a very unpopular idea and trait. In this country, to admit you are powerlessness is like admitting that you have no will, no drive, no determination. That you don't care. These are almost cardinal sins in a capitalist and industrialized country like ours. This country was built on entrepreneurs, on people with strength and courage. I feel like admitting that if I am powerless it means that I am admitting that I am afraid and weak. That I will not fight for who and what I love. I know I am being asked to look at this another way, but it is what is coming up for me. But what would I be fighting for? Fighting for things to be the way I want them to be? To not be in pain? To not have to suffer?

I know, what I am writing about looks ridiculous as I write it. But this is good. It is better then it running through my head where I have no way to really look at it. To see it from a different angle. Writing this blog is like talking to a very patient, calm friend who is a great listener. How often do you really get that? I can say anything here, and I know I will not be criticized, punished, I will not be rejected. Well, maybe by those reading the blog, but not by the blog itself. Well, maybe not by the readers too:) This is very helpful, to keep writing about this, keep seeing what comes out of my mind, what feelings emerge, and just be with them. I have to keep trying, at least.

Enough for now.

Thanks for listening!

Keep coming back * sigh*

What I have to look forward to: My car being fixed and save to drive tomorrow!

Challenges to deal with: Keeping the business from exploding while the manager is away:)

Step 1 - Day 6

Mood: Recovering. Returned from the retreat, unpacked, cleaned and had dinner. 32 pages written this weekend!

Music: "Concerto for Flute", Vivaldi. Very soothing. I remember this piece from an old recording my father had, that I played when I was a child. My father loved classical music.

Garden: Outside same. Inside, the watercress that I didn't get transplanted yet, but kept in a bucket of water, grew 6 inches in two days! That's one prolific plant:)

Step 1:

" We admitted that we were powerless against ______(alcohol) - that out lives had become unmanageable"

It surprised me that I did not write anything about my son all weekend. Anything directly, that is. Directly, in the sense, that I wrote about him and what he is going through right now. Or what I am going through in regards to him, other than the blog. I did think about him though. I thought about how every good experience I go through, I wish he were there to share it, so we could have some more good memories together. I want him to have more memories of me happy, and more memories of us happy together.

I am tired and I so I want to be concentrated in what I write at this time. I will not write as much as I have the last several days. I had a scare driving home this afternoon. As I passed through the largest town in my county, I was driving down main st. and I thought I saw my son walking down the sidewalk. This is not the town he is staying in though. This is a big town in the area that he knows people in, and might go to spend some time in though. He doesn't have a car, so he would have to hitch hike there.

As I drove past this young man, I saw that he was about my sons height, had the same color hair, and a beard like my son has had at times. I have not seen my son since early March, so he may have regrown his beard since then. When he has, he has tended to look rather wild, like a wild mountain man. This young man had a sort of wild, unkempt look. He had on a dark jacket, that I did not recognize, almost a fatigue jacket and a baggy pair of jeans as my son sometimes wears. My heart started to race. The young man did not look in good shape. He looked sort of rumpled, dirty and sad. This I thought I saw all in a flash, as I drove past at 25 ml. per hour.

As soon as I drove past him I decided to turn around and see if it was him. I was concerned by the way this young man looked, and I was concerned that if it was him, he was 25 miles from where he had been staying, and it was getting to be late in afternoon. Some part of me had to know if it was him, even if I did not stop, even if I did not let him know that I saw him. I had to know if it was him or not. I looked ahead and realized I'd have to go up the road a ways to turn around. I was suddenly afraid I might lose sight of him, and not know if it was him, but I had no choice now. I had to go look.

I went up ahead and finally got the car turned around, then started heading back in the right direction, toward who I thought was my son. As I did this I thought about whether I should let him know I saw him after all. I thought about how he might feel, or if he would ignore me. I thought about if he were in a very depressed state, and what I would do if he were. My imagination started to run though all these scenarios; what he might be like, what I would do, depending on how he was and if I could handle it emotionally. I felt on a mission now.

As I kept driving back in the right direction I did not see him. I thought maybe he had stepped into a restaurant, or crossed the street to the library. I was now concerned at how disappointed I would feel if he had and I had missed my chance to know it was him. I realized I really wanted to know if it was him now, and I was hoping that we might be able to talk. I was hoping that it would be much more than just me spotting him, actually. I was hoping that he would be glad to see me, and that this 5 month separation could begin to be bridged.

I realized all of this as I was driving down the street. I realized that my desire, my fear, my worry and my possible disappointment were starting to grown unmanageable. In the span of a few short minutes from not even thinking about him at all, I was now having waking fantasies of a reunion and reconciliation. I realized all this had been a festering deposit of fear and emotion that had been simmering under the surface for quite some time. Every time I drove down the road near where I lived, or where I knew he was staying, it was my secret wish that I would see him and that we could speak.

This need for a parent to know their son or daughter is OK is normal, to a point, but where it gets unmanageable is when the son or daughter is going through a crisis or challenge and it causes the parent to worry incessantly. The constant worry is one of the most un-serene states of mind a human being can experience. There is nothing more terror-inducing than the fear and worry a parent can have for a sick or vulnerable child. Even though everyone says that worry does not help, will not change anything, it seems that is preferable sometimes to feeling as if you have nothing to do at all. This is very contradictory and therefore mentally destabilizing.

As I drove down the street I saw the head of the young man I had spotted bobbing down the street up ahead. I recognized the coat and began to breathe a little easier that, at least, I hadn't lost him completely. Suddenly, the light up ahead changed and I knew I would have to stop for it. My worry suddenly increased five-fold again. "So close", I thought. "Here we go again", I also thought. I thought "Higher power", which I am not convinced is real at this point, but for the sake of argument let's use the term. I thought, "what kind of cruel trick are you playing on me? Is this a test? Why are you testing me like this?"

What would be the test in this? What could higher power be trying to show me, with this sequence of events? The siting, the delay in turning around and driving back, the red light? I thought, "you get to see your own mind, your own emotion tied up in him, in this moment". "But, what am I supposed to learn from this? How can I help myself, help him, by understanding myself right now" I thought, " "You still don't trust him. You still don't trust his higher power. You still think you need to be in control on some level. You still think that without you, not much good could be happening to him", I also thought.

These thoughts were painful to realize, painful to hear. I still kept thinking of him as broken, vulnerable and that he was only bound to be in-trouble and unhappy without me helping him in some way. Why could I not think that he could help himself, or that he may have resources of his own, other people in the world that could care for him and help to help himself? Was I afraid of being replaced? Did I believe that I was the best for him right now? Was it possible to believe that there were other forces out in the world besides those that cause pain for him? For me?

These are questions I am still thinking about tonight. I am not done with this yet, but I wanted to acknowledge that I had become aware of them. I also wanted to acknowledge that I was aware of how much pain they were causing me. Or that I was causing myself. Causing myself this pain because it was not based on fact, on actual observable fact. They were the fantasy and speculation that my mind indulged in as I attempted to find out if the young man I saw was, in fact, my son. And just in-case you are still interested. He wasn't. The light turned green, I drove past, saw that it wasn't and realized I had spent the last ten minutes in a mental state of pain and worry. All because of my lack of trust and a very active imagination. A deadly combination!

That's all for now.

Thanks for listening!

Keep coming back:)

What I have to look forward to: sleep in my own bed, after two days on an air mattress with a sleeping bag and on a cold, rainy porch.

Challenge tonight: To not obsess about where my son is, and if he is OK and safe. It's still hard.